A Bit About Me

My photo
Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

14 April 2012

Todays Theme: 42

Today's word is "42". According to Douglas Adams...it's the answer to the universe and everything else...but that's so obviously passe...so, let's talk about me instead!

But, first let's see our other contestants at Ziva's photography contest before we take a look at mine (located after the list): MikeWJ, Nicky and Mike, Mo, Meleah, John, aka nonamedufus, Bryan, aka Unfinished Person, Malisa, Nora, LaughingMom, Tanya, Elizabeth A., 00dozo, Cheryl, Kristen, Katherine, and Ziva.

My depiction of "42":

Forty-two is how old I was back in 2003...and, for purposes of this post, specifically on 13 July 2003. That's when life as I knew it changed. That's the day I became famous.

Well, actually it was supposed to lead to much better things than it did...but I'm not complaining. People were supposed to line up to interview me (well, CNN was the first of a short long string...so they did kinda line up a little), people were supposed to contact me for book deals (unless we're counting the couple emails I got from wacko strangers online, no one did), and so far no one has made a reality show about my life...altho I'm still game for all of these.

Okay, okay...truth be told I did have the time of my life when I reigned for one year as the "Worst Writer in the World". Oh, wait...did I leave that part out?

Yes, in 2003 I won the "Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest" - no small feat...and I was on thousands...we're talking several tens of thousands...of hits on the Internet. At one point, and I Googled so I know -- I had more hits than Alec Trebek but less than Mel Gibson (this was before the whole Mel Gibson fiasco, mind you). I was in newspapers from Albania to Zimbabwe (yes, I was actually in whatever the equivalent of the Zimbabwe Times is...I checked). I was even interviewed by a very nice woman, who would later be known as "the woman who was still miked when she went into the CNN bathroom and talked about George Bush and her brother's wife"), Kyra Phillips.

And, ever since that fateful day, I made a promise to Scott Rice (the English professor at San Jose University who started this contest back in 1982) that I would do my utmost to promote the contest...so, as you can plainly see, this blog really isn't about me...it's honestly about the contest. And you people have all been duly notified as of this day...because tomorrow, the 15th of April, isn't only tax day...but also the "official" last day to turn in your Bulwer-Lytton entries.

(The newspapers shown above are Alabama's "Montgomery Advertiser", the nation's "USA Today", and New Jersey's "The Star Ledger". Sorry if this post ran longer than 250 words...as evidenced by my winning entry, which was 71 words long, I tend to get a bit "verbosey".)

My 2003 winning entry aka "the best of the worst"...is as follows:

They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavour entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white . . . Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by colouring it differently.


  1. I tell you, I shouldn't skim. When I first saw "a very nice woman, who would later be known as 'the woman who was still miked when she went into the CNN bathroom and talked about George Bush and her brother's wife,'" I thought you were talking about yourself. ;) Whew.

  2. So tell me, did you come up with today's theme? Nicely done. And congratulations.

  3. Don't feel bad Bryan, I did the same thing! And I didn't skim... :-)

  4. HAhahaha! Excellent post! I love how you sideswiped the theme on your way to gain more national public attention!!

  5. OMG! Nicky & Bryan, I thought the same thing too!

    Good job, Mariann.

  6. Always more attention. I forgot to mention Conan O'Brien wanted me on his show and then, at the last minute, said, "Eh...we're not sure if we can fill up six minutes with this." RIGHT...Apparently someone NEVER talked to me before! Six hours later and I still wouldn't be close to stopping. What fools. I secretly think they didn't want me showing him up with my witty banter (I had been on several radio shows here in the US and one television show from Australia)-- each one was besieged by comments by listeners/viewers that they should replace the host with me. (No, seriously, audience members said it.) You certainly wouldn't want someone upstaging you when you interview them on television, now would you? So, they cancelled on me. Dammit!

    And yes, always trying to gain more public attention...I am a very good media whore. :)

  7. I feel famous, or almost famous, by association.

  8. I like your take on today's theme. Good job!

  9. Well this was certainly the most original take on the theme today. ;) I know it's been a few years since you won, but is it too late to say congratulations? :)

  10. I so wanted to enlarge that photo and read the articles. I guess I could Google you. What an original idea! Congrats on your bad writing. I think. You done good. You done real good. That's Texan for good job!

  11. It's never too late to congratulate me. :)

    Malisa - I Googled me - it should only be me who comes up - in case you were wondering what was said about me. The Star Ledger had the best article...I found it the other day online but I forgot where it was buried...anyway, not as many hits as before - but still some: https://www.google.com/#hl=en&sclient=psy-ab&q=%22bulwer+lytton+fiction+contest%22+mariann+simms+&oq=%22bulwer+lytton+fiction+contest%22+mariann+simms+&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&gs_l=hp.3...24141l28313l1l29031l11l11l0l0l0l7l375l2702l2-4j5l9l0.frgbld.&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.,cf.osb&fp=c98d3a4d2852b109&biw=1119&bih=556

    Here's my CNN transcript (since they spelled my name right, you'd never find it) which has a few errors in there - they aren't going to erect a bus - it would be a bust...which, coincidentally I am in need of at my age as it's all gone "tube-socky" on me. :(


    I'm sure that is more than any of you should want to read. But you guys should enter the contest. :)

  12. Ugh - I meant - "since they spelled my name wrong". I am indeed a bonehead.

  13. That's some truly horrible writing, Mariann. Congratulations, I think.