A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

24 November 2008

The Food Oracle Blogger

No novel idea here...but I thought it would be fun and informative - and perhaps "dialogue inspiring" if I picked one day a week as my "taster's choice"...or "munchie review"...an outta the box or bag and into my mouth and back down my arms to my fingers out to you - in the guise of a food review...a portent of lesser importance. I shall be, for one day only, and only one day per week: "The Food Oracle Blogger". It sounded impressive to me...well, at least more impressive than "Dishing With the *cough* Semi-Hot Old Chick"...but, I'm willing to take suggestions.

Sadly, no companies or stores will probably ever give me anything to review...but if they want to - well, they can reach me at the contact info via my Profile. But I DO tend to eat...might as well pretend to make a living from it.

My tastes range from organic, ethnic, fancy, downright plain, to "can you believe she actually ATE that??" - and I plan to make it a habit detailing to you, bite by bite, my likes and dislikes of various gastronomical goodies...or "baddies"...as the case may be. It's not going to be "here's a recipe for a meatloaf dinner" or anything - just things you buy pretty much "ready-made". Oh, you might have to nuke them in the microwave or add hamburger, some milk, or an egg...and stir. There might even be ovens or cooktops involved...I can't promise you exactly what it will entail; but a wide array of products will be put to the test and unselfishly sacrificed to our stomachs just to please you, our "viewing audience". I promise to pull no punches or sugar coat anything (unless the instructions say to do so)...what I think is what you are going to read. Hopefully I can save a few of you some bad choices and $$$ and introduce you to things you might not have wanted to try.

I am planning to do one per week...but, you never know...I might sneak another one in on you in the process...I do tend to eat more than once a day...AND I also drink. So all things "imbibable" will fall into this category as well.

If you have a suggestion (within reason) feel free to pass it along. I love food - and basically have tried nearly everything out there. I am not squeamish in the least...but I won't eat raw oysters and such. Luckily, most raw oyster dishes don't call for the use of microwaves, ovens or stovetops.

All of these food choices will be made by me (or my children) alone, and as such, major entities like CBS and NBC will have nothing to do with it...no one's seen ABC in so long I don't think we have to worry about them...I think they're in the witness-protection-program or something. I don't watch FOX...so that's a moot point. There is, however, a standing invitation for "Food TV's" Alton Brown to come over and taste test food with me...but I won't hold my breath until then; he can, however, feel free to send me pointers and thoughts galore...or, more specifically, hire me.

Lastly, all product placements will end up in the trash...that's just the type of people we are.

11 November 2008

Halloween (Part II)

Well, I never did get around to writing part two of my Halloween blog, so I'm going to tack "Part II" on this one and give a much abbreviated version of it here.

In all honesty I was waiting until the election was over so the political blogs would die the death they should have had before they started...but apparently they haven't. Oh, don't get me wrong - it's not that I don't like to spend time reading interesting blogs...it's just that I find politics very uninteresting...especially when it comes to peoples' viewpoints trying to convince other people that they are complete idiots for thinking what they do because they are more right because they are voting for the "right" candidate...because all other candidates will be the downfall of America as we know it.

If the election wasn't so much like watching "Entertainment Tonight" - it might have captured my interest more...but when I start finding out "integral" information like how much Sarah Palin did or did not pay for her wardrobe, what consignment shop she claims to frequent, how much John McCain pays for his shoes, and what kind of dog Obama may or may not get due to his wife's allergies and which pound he plans to rescue it from...or not...well, ya know what? I don't care. Get a damn goldfish and let's move on to some REAL issues...but the dumbing down of America has definitely kicked up a notch and Mike Judge's film, "Idiocracy", is starting to look more and more like a quatrain from Nostradamus with each passing day. I'm now anxiously awaiting whether Paris Hilton is going to accept her invitation to the Presidential Inauguration...and where she and Michelle Obama plan to go shopping together, like the "BFF" they are...to pick out their gowns. Ummmm...NOT.

I do hope I'm wrong on all counts...so... ...back to Halloween. I dressed as Medusa, my daughter was a witch and my son, Alex, reluctantly wore the giant skull head I just had to buy him several weeks before because I thought it would be THE best costume ever...even if it was a lawn ornament. When I donned it on my head in the store - there wasn't anything that was going to stop me from getting it. He, of course, thought it was downright stupid...but at the last minute he popped it on and appropriately coordinated his wardrobe (even the Republican party would have been pleased) and we left for greener pastures and lighter lit areas to get our Halloween fix. He was complaining all the way there about how idiotic he looked.

But...while I still hope I'm wrong on some issues...I also love to be right. Oh, I do. And I don't think one person passing by didn't comment on how great his costume was or where he bought it. The SUV-pulled "hay ride" turned out to be more like a "hey ride" as countless Trick or Treaters shouted "Hey...big head!" each time they passed, cars pulled up next to him and the insiders gawked, a man who came to the door of his house quipped "Your costume is definitely a keeper" and, if those didn't clinch the deal; a gorgeous babe had her friend take her photo with him and it's probably up on her MySpace or Facebook account as I type this. In fact, I'm betting his image is on more than one (quite a few people took his photo). I have to say, hands down, this was THE best Halloween I've ever been treated to.

That's "two for two" Halloweens - and I am once again vindicated.

It's nice to be the "prophetic" Mom. :)

01 November 2008

Halloween (Part I)

Yes, I know I said I'd repost a few "old" blogs...but I was inspired to write this just now.

Is it my imagination or are the 'Trick or Treaters' becoming increasingly older and few and far between as each year goes by? Now, I know there are a lot of churches and other places around the area which hold their own events - but, in my opinion, nothing can beat going around, door-to-door, to elicit free candy from people you don't know. And while that's a big part of the fun, it's not THE part I like the most. Wasn't what I liked best back when I was a kid...isn't what I like best now. And with less and less little kids partaking in it...well, Halloween, in general, is kinda losing its original appeal.

What I always liked best was being able to dress up and go off to school wearing my costume. I lived for that. All year long. Second only...maybe...to Christmas. In fact, when I really think about it...I think I liked it more.

My parents never actually BOUGHT me a Halloween costume - we invented things from stuff lying around the house...plus my mother could sew. I remember (in vain) that I "oh so wanted" to be a princess...with all the trappings of a "bona fide" fairy-tale princess: the poofy, scratchy-itchy skirt netting, the sparkly cardboard star on a stick that you'd wave in desperation of something magic-like actually happening...as if magic "magically occurred" once you glued two otherwise innocuous and cheap glittered components together - and...to complete my fantasy ensemble: that hideous 1960s hard plastic princess face mask. You know the one, don't you? The one you can't keep on your face if you tried even tho you knotted off that ridiculously long semi-elastic string in the back with the two metal clasps that would always pop out of their respective hole-holders. The one with the enormous "Little Orphan Annie" eyeholes that, no matter how hard you tried, still ended up lower than your own personal eyes - so the only thing you could do was to look down and hope your parent paid attention to the terrain when they dragged you by the hand down the sidewalk that always seemed to love skinning my knees for some reason (personally I don't think my knees "unscabbed" until I hit my teen years). The one that always had that pasty white complexion with the "yellow" hair...because we all know that only true princesses have alabaster skin and hair the colour of the "fairest" Crayola crayon in the 8-pack...because Disney told us so. And the one your friend let you try on...for a brief shining moment...before she snatched it off your face with a stinging rubber band "thwak" and obligatory "hair pull" to the back of the head.

And "joy of joys", I remember one year winning for "best costume". I went as a Hindu...complete with my makeshift "lipstick-anointed" red bindi - not sure if that is "allowed" or "politically correct" to do nowadays...but it's a moot point anyway as you can't dress up at most schools. Regardless, as a child, I certainly didn't do it with any form of disrespect...I just loved the whole "sari" thing and, so, that is who I went as...as that's the fabric my mother had - and the costume was indeed gorgeous...and worthy of the accolades that only a third-grade teacher can bestow upon a student.

But it seems Halloween gets such a bad rap from the same people who, as kids, loved dressing up...only now they don't allow their kids to dress up and they certainly don't tolerate their schools allowing them to. When I was a child, the furthest thing from my - and my friends' minds - was "the devil worshipping practices and rituals surrounding a pagan holiday"...and don't even get me started on that one - you can just Google for yourselves.

So, it's a letdown to dress up (and yes, I did dress up - I dress up each time...this time I was Medusa as I love Greek myths) and see a handful of kids walking around delighting in being a little "different" than they are the other 364 days a year. Even if you don't trust the "candy givers"...toss out the candy, but let the little ones live a little...and by all means - bring back the costumes at school. Especially now with all the schools regimenting a set uniform...one day a year to buy a wig and let your hair down wouldn't be asking for too much, would it? At least for the elementary grades. Don't deprive them of the joy I once felt...because, for some kids, in the homes they grow up in and the stuff they are subjected to (and I know...I was beaten as a child, with a belt, by my father)...it's seriously the most fun they might have all year...and it's also the stuff good childhood memories are made of.