I'm going to get back in the swing of things and start updating this again. I think not writing makes me more depressed. With that said, I belong to a "Classic Film Page" on Facebook, and about a month ago we started playing "a game". This game was pretty much the same as many of the contests at my humour website, HumorMeOnline - specifically the "Tweak of the Week" contest, where I invented a LOT of contests featuring films.
While I don't have the passwords (long story - go ahead and ask) to update my contests any more, a couple people decided to monopolize the thread on the old film page and "tweaked" a film title and the plot as well -- and then sat back and waited for people to laugh and laugh. Well, that last part didn't happen too much, but I saved a lot of my movies for purposes such as "Updating My Blog One Day" and that time, anyone who is reading this now, is now. I hope you smile at least a little with one or two of these. Also, it helps if you know OLD films.
Wizard of Ozzie" -- Ozzie Osbourne sets off on a journey with a couple roadies
to find his brain...but, along the way...the Wicked Witch of the Rest...of Black
Sabbath -- tries to foil his plans by making him fall asleep on a field of opium
poppies. When he wakes up, Ozzie totally forgets what he was doing (easy to do
without a brain) and now is too "paranoid" to continue...muttering incoherently
to himself and calling out, "Sharon! Can you ******* believe it.?
Okay, I think you get the gist of it...I will continue...on and on and on...kinda like when I talk. ;)
King and A.I. -- Yul Brynner plays the King of Siam who hires a robotic boy to
teach his children English. As time passes he begins to care for this child and
would like to adopt him as his own. And, as a sign of good faith, decides he,
too, will learn the ways of the boy's land...in fact...changing the whole
culture of Siam and renaming it (yes, wait for
Blandings Un-Builds His Dream House -- Cary Grant and Nathan Lane team up for
uproarious farce about a couple of guys who have to take apart a glorious house,
piece by piece, in rural Connecticut just to rid the place of a pig. Armed with
of weaponry all along the way they continually try to pummel the poor porcine to
death to no avail -- until their sassy maid steps in, hands them each a baseball
bat and remarks, "If you ain't going 'wham', you ain't killing
Happened One Night -- Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert are at it again in this
sequel to "It Happened One Night" - but, due to them both being on an alcohol
bender, neither knows what happened -- all they DO know is that something
happened because they both wake up in jail. Going before the judge, the still
somewhat drunk and quite profane Gable (probably influenced by Carole Lombard
who was known to curse like a sailor) retorts, "Well, judge...s*it happens! In
fact s*it happened one night!" Everyone laughs and the judge, who is clearly on
the payroll of Ellie's rich father, let's them all go.
forget to stay tuned for the sequel to the sequel, hitting theatres this summer:
"S*it Happened One Night Again?"
This might be my personal favourite:
White and the Se7en Dwarves" -- You thought sloth, greed, gluttony, lust, pride,
wrath, and envy where bad? A young and innocent girl comes to learn the ways of
seven little men when she enters "The Cottage". Set among a pleasant forest
dwell a group so depraved mere words cannot describe. Led by someone they call
"Doc" -- they all whistle a happy tune while scenes too shocking and too
disturbing unfold. We WILL NOT be held responsible for what happens after you
sit down. Dare you set foot inside your own local theatre this coming
Thanksgiving Day? The screams you hear just might be your own.
film is rated PG Se7enteen.
Or maybe this one is:
Bard's Day Night" -- The "Fab Four" are off on another escapade, but this time,
the English they're speaking is Shakespeare! Yes, you heard it right, all you
mods and rockers -- instead of John asking, "Please mister, can we have our ball
back?" and George saying "I wouldn't be seen dead in them. They're dead grotty."
they'll be saying such gems as, "What round orb through yonder window breaks?
Please, O kind and most noble sir, can we perchance have it back?" and "I'd
gladly suffer the sting of a bare bodkin to mine own eyes and pluck them hither
to lie with my worm'ed corpse ere I'd touch the skin of that fabric to mine own
get on board with "The Beatles" as they prove yet again...all the world's their
stage and they are merely players...of their new hit album due out in record
stores, January 5th!
a Wonderful Life" -- George Bailey's bank is missing $8000.00 and he figures
life would indeed be easier for his family if he just ended it all after the
town bully/curmudgeon reminds him that he's "worth more dead than alive." An
angel steps in to intervene and ends up tagging along relentlessly all day and
nite, constantly droning on and on and on and on. George then realizes the only
way to get him to shut up already is to go back to the bridge and actually
finish off what he originally planned.
Or maybe I like this one -- I know it's one of my top three:
Bare Lady" -- Professor Henry Higgins takes a draggle-tailed guttersnipe under
his wing to teach her the proper way to speak the English language.
Unfortunately, Colonel Pickering never showed up from India and, without his
help, Higgins never seems to have any money to clothe her. Let's just say there
was a bit more "bloomin' arse" at Ascot than anyone ever
Window" -- Jimmy Stewart spends his days and nites stuck in a cast, stuck in his
apartment, and stuck drinking copious amounts of alcohol the entire day. To
occupy his time he's taken to staring at the every movements of his neighbours
across the way with a pair of binoculars. When he happens to witness a murder
committed by a beautiful girl, who turns out to be a middle-aged somewhat
unattractive man, his girlfriend and physical therapist confiscate his
high-power "beer goggles" and toss him out the window.
Not bad for a film I've never seen or really heard of...Google is a wonderful thing...
Back, Little Bieber" -- Burt Lancaster and Shirley Booth star in this poignant
story about an alcoholic doctor and his disinterested wife, who spends her days
just listening to crappy songs on the radio for escapism. After they take in an
female lodger, things get moving fast...but then one day, without her knowledge,
Doc gets rid of the radio but tells her it's in the shop getting fixed. She then
spends the rest of her life having hope that one day her "Little Bieber" will
indeed return to
Man in the Green Mask" -- What do you get when you put Jim Carrey in dual roles
in Alexandre Dumas' classic tale? Well, we're not quite sure...but it's
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSMOKIN'! ! Yes, Jim plays twin brothers separated at birth in
this in this tale about intrigue, morality, vengeance, and well, just plain
hi-jinks thrown in for laughs. When King Louis XIV finds out about his twin, he
has him imprisoned and condemned to wear a green mask over his head so no one
can ever gaze upon his face again. But things don't go as the King plans, as the
mask he puts on his brother is none other than that of Loki, Norse God of
Mischief. Hilarity ensues when the Three Muskateers enter in upon the scene and
switch the characters around. A swashbuckling...over in your seat with
Sound of Muzak" -- Maria gets "trapped" in the elevator with the kids
and is forced to hear her own songs as sung by Austrian "singer" Arnold
-- Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, and Robert Shaw star in this
fast-paced, seat-of-your pants film which will have you terrified you
ever went near the water. A giant white cat needs to be bathed and
people are getting terrified to go near the water with her in it. Hear
the blood-curdling screams as the water fills with red as the claws
extend from...those paws! Shaw steps in and takes the challenge
head-on, rigging a giant raft on which to hold her steady as they try to
aim and shoot water from a hose at her...but the tiny inflatable is no
match as she unsheathes them once again -- prompting Brody to
state..."You're gonna need a bigger float."
-- Tokyo's favourite monster is back...but this time, instead of
smashing the city up...he's helping to rebuild it! When a massive 7.8
earthquake hits, Goodzilla comes out of the sea...to see what he can do
to help! Yes, he's letting kids ride on his back to take them to school
and helping stranded people off their apartment rooftops so they don't
end up late to work...in fact he's so good, even the mouths synch up
with the words this time! So, for a devastating...ly good time...be
sure to watch this film! We're sure Goodzilla would say, "Domo arigato,
Yes...I loved playing this...could you tell?
Plan Godfrey" -- Society socialite, Carole Lombard, has a plan to wed a
likeable forgotten man, played by William Powell in this madcap and
zany screwball comedy. Powell, we find out later, was from a super rich
family himself and ends up helping to restore the riches from her
father whose stock tumbled in the market. Lombard's bitter, spoiled
sister, Cornelia (played by Gail Patrick) learns a lesson in humility
and trust. In the end Carole ends up with her man, as originally
this was the exact same story as the real movie -- but then
again...that was her plan, right? The titles could have been used
interchangeably if you ask me.
Book and Candelabra" -- Liberace (kinda) stars in this tale about a man
who is annoyed at the fact his hated friend is marrying the guy next
door...so he casts a spell over him. After tinkling on the ivories a
bit and saying a few incantations the man is suddenly under his
spell...or is he? Michael Douglas reprises his role as Liberace and
Matt Damon plays the love interest...just like in "Behind the
Candelabra" only this one is a bit different. No, seriously, it is. No
fooling. Honestly. We promise.
Can't Take it with Pooh" -- Christopher Robin's gang of friends are
being kicked out the "Hundred Acre Wood" because the big real estate
people want to put huge stores and fancy apartment buildings up in it.
Winnie and pals are delightfully zany in this film as rabbit blows stuff
up in his rabbit hutch...and Tigger dances up a mad frenzy in the
living room with Piglet -- all the while Christopher (now a grown man)
is trying to impress his quite rich fiance's parents who show up on the
wrong day. They even send poor Eeyore to the store to buy some canned
salmon because there's nothing in the house to eat...Grandfather Pooh
sees to that -- he's always got a rumbly in his tummy. By the time
Eeyore moseys on back after walking one hundred acres and back
again...the damage is already quite done. Will true love conquer all?
Will the "Hundred Acre Wood" still remain...or will it end up only being
"Owl's Little Acre" in the end?
Mango in Paris" -- Marlon Brando is a very hungry American ex-pat
living in Paris -- desperately walking the streets day and nite looking
for a mango to eat. When he finally does find one...it's old and very,
I rather liked this one, too -- altho I might go to Hell for it:
Zen Commandments" -- Charlton Heston IS Buddha in this Cecil B. DeMille
production. Watch as he leads dynasty after dynasty to enlightenment
while trying to be stopped by Yul Brynner at an airport. "He is the
one...who is one with everything!" Yul finally declares as he is brought
down helplessly to his knees. A film of not really Biblical
proportions really...coming to a theatre this Christmas. Um...can we
say that? Christmas...really? Buddhists don't
celebrate...uh...well...be sure to see it soon!
at Eight" -- A stellar cast shines in this glorious comedy all about a
wonderful dinner party at affluent Milicent Jordan's house (played by
Billie Burke). The trouble is...people are cancelling, they have an
extra man coming, and, of all things that could go wrong -- the aspic
just got dropped! Jean Harlow is wonderful as the bawdy glamourpuss
from the wrong side of track trying to crack into high society with her
low-brow workaholic husband, played by Wallace Beery. Marie Dressler is
a riot knowing her looks are failing and so is her pocketbook if she
doesn't unload some of her dear friend's (played by Lionel Barrymore)
worthless stock she possesses. When everything comes to a head...right
before dinner...and since that aspic was dropped - everyone gets to go
home empty-stomached...but also a little bit lighter in their loafers.
(Hey, "gay" used to mean a whole other thing in the 30s, too...so you
know...they WERE actually lighter in their loafers - as no one got fed.)
A Space Oddity" -- David Bowie stars as "Major Tom" in this super
stylized version of Kubrick's classic...but with a twist -- it's part
musical. HAL's not the only one singing "Daisy, Daisy, give me your
answer true..." this time around. And for those of you who are
wondering...no need to worry -- David doesn't get nearly as naked as he
did in "The Man Who Fell to Earth".
Bringing Up Baby" -- Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn are newlyweds
in this sequel to the original...and she's about to give birth! They,
of course, move in next door to some wacky neighbours who seem to be
over more often than George likes. (You know how animals are always
sensitive to these things.) As Cary finishes up his (now defunct -
because they never existed) brontosaurus, Kate's about to give
birth...to something that even Major Applegate can't flex his vocal
chords enough to reproduce that sound. Hilarity abounds and will have
you spinning...almost as often as that darned baby of their's head does!
Without a Pause" -- James Dean stars in this motion picture about a
teen who is filled with angst against society, his family, and his newly
found out about past. He's so enraged that he gets on a rant and goes
on and on and on and on; a never-ending diatribe, which...no one around
him manages to ever get a word in edgeways.
(Yes, it's kinda like me once I get started. You should hear me on the phone...I NEVER shut up. )
Granted, some of these are not that great...
No Thank You" -- Sean Connery stars in this James Bond spy thriller
about an overly polite megalomaniac (played by Joseph Wiseman) who just
can't breech the rules of etiquette. "I'm sorry...where are my manners?
Please sit down and help yourself to this sumptuous meal my chef
prepared just for you before I kill you...ever so sorry about that, old
chap. Tut tut tut...that's the wrong fork, sir. Yes...no no - the one
to your extreme left...remember, always work your way from the outside
inwards as each course is brought 'round."