A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

14 May 2011

Three Time's a Charm?

After watching yet another episode of Chef Gordon Ramsay get flustered and cuss his way into acceptance on some "Kitchen Nightmares" show filmed in Philadelphia, it dawned on me how nearly everyone seems to be incorporating some British slang words into their boring American lexicon thereby seeming to be extremely interesting.

In fact, some news sources speculated there were more people in the USA watching Prince William and Kate Middleton get married a couple weeks ago than there were watchers in the UK. While wedding guests in Royal attendance queued up to get inside Westminster Abbey...donning outrageous hats and dowdy clothing...Facebook was abuzz with comments. But, some posters, who fly a different red, white and blue flag, flaired it up a bit with Brit.

Oh, we've all been guilty of doing it from time to time. Don't pretend you don't. Even "BBC America" is running an ad about Brit words and what they mean and how posh it is to use them.

Like that.

"Posh." C'mon, no one even used the word before that silly "Spice Girl" (you know the one who looks like a lollipop -- big head, stick body, married to Mr. Spice aka David Beckham) came about...unless you count Michael Caine.

It seems, nowadays, everyone uses words like "wonky" and "numpty"; it's only a matter of time before we use words like "brill" and "pressies".

I also love to make up words. I always have and I always will. I've written about my penchant for coining words...and I've done at least one blog about British words. Go "here" and "here" if you don't believe me. Below are a couple I made up years and years ago and pretty much use them on a daily basis...so much so that I'm almost convinced they're real.

Scubby: (adj.) Unkempt looking. "Will you please shave...you're looking really scubby."

Slurb: (noun; verb) When a cat smooshes their face up against you and leaves that kinda wet scent they mark their territory with. (Said to my cats:) "Ewwww...stop putting your slurb on me!" "Stop getting me all slurby."

Scrolly Guide: (noun) The thing on your television which you view to see what is on television. "Let me look on the scrolly guide to see what's coming on at 8:00."

Why most of my words start with an "S" is anyone's guess.

So just for the heck of it I attempted to make up my own British-sounding words...and, it seems some actually might exist in some capacity. Case in point: Apparently adding "tw" to any word makes it instantly "Twitter-worthy" but since I don't "Tweet" I didn't know this...and I believe 99% of everything Tweeted is pretty much complete "twarbage" anyway.

This made me wonder if there are really any words out there which haven't been tried in some form already. I honestly believe there are people out there randomly syllablizing every single sound, combining it with another, and then popping it online to get some type of notoriety. So, I decided to jump on the proverbial bandwagon as well before it's too late.

And might I add..."'BBC America'...are you listening??"

Jilly-nubber: (noun) A female pleasuring device similar to a French Tickler only derisively British. "At her Hen Party, Kate Middleton received not one...but four Jilly-nubbers - two from her sister, Pippa!"

Twollocks: (noun) Insert gratuitous "bollocks" comment here...only do it twice.

Harrodsment: (noun) When the staff of a posh store constantly harass someone by following them around condescendingly asking if they need any help finding "something". "Each time we go into any bleedin' posh boutique just to have a look around, the Harrodsment always starts up."

I'm half-thinking of starting up a "British Word of the Day" blog. The gist of it would be that I watch "BBC America" and then blog about a word I haven't a clue about (existence and/or usage)...and then attempt to use it incessantly in a senseless blog.

After all, I am pretty much half-thinking senselessly most of the time anyway.

My blog was going to end with that sentence above...but, here's an update:

In fact I was so inspired by my newest endeavour that I created a THIRD blog! It is called "Brit Word of the Day"...and is found if you click that highlighted link right above.

Join and comment. Have fun. That's all I ask. Let me know what you think of the layout, the colour scheme, the positioning of things and so forth - and please comment there about it so I know where all the comments are. If you don't like something let me know...it's the only way I'll know something. I'm not the greatest technical person in the world - but I can figure out some things. But if you don't voice your likes and dislikes, I'll never know. :)

09 May 2011

Thinking Out the Box

I have been known, on more than one occasion, to have a drink or two...or suck down my Ambien and then start (or attempt) to write.

I've written emails, I've commented at news sites, I've written...and posted blogs I had no real recollection of typing in the first place. The lack of comprehension of the material I've purported to have some remote grasp on is astounding -- and my stream of consciousness when I'm barely conscious is, to me, utterly amazing.

This, of course, never stops me as I do it again and again.

What can I say...I love to write.

Once in a while I'll notice a typo AFTER the fact. That's totally logical -- as alcohol and Ambien, even with the best intention -- and relying on the "spell check" button, doesn't catch everything; especially if you use a word that exists but you put it in the wrong place. This is where re-reading something (out loud if possible) comes in handy. Usually if you re-read something...and do it sober...chances are you will catch things. Not all times. Most times.

I've written to fellow bloggers, privately, about having typos at their blogs...I've even written to big-time reporters at big-time newspapers, and they've always thanked me for doing so. One thing a writer dislikes more than someone catching their obvious (or not so obvious) typo...is making one and not seeing it...and finding out about it later after others have undoubtedly read it countless times.

The point I'm trying to make here is that we are all human and to err is human...to re-read divine.

I always get a kick out of it when someone who is trying to be "oh so knowledgeable" hits that "submit" button on a news story comment before realizing they are a complete and utter idiot. Or, a more likely scenario, having that fact pointed out, over and over again, by numerous people. While we all make silly typos once in a while - it's another thing altogether (or is it "all together") to mouth off and basically stick your foot IN your mouth...especially when you can't edit after.

And if that isn't enough fun...we have people who are placed in positions of power...even if that power is indeed transient or limited...who attempt to make a cohesive sentence and fail miserably. These people are typically referred to as "copy editors".

Okay, okay...while I admit that last statement was a true statement more times than not...it's not what I'm talking about specifically this time. What I'm talking about is an email which was sent to my friend in Texas after he complained about a food order at "Church's Chicken". I haven't changed anything other than the name, address and telephone number. This way, just in case the person somehow reads this, he/she won't go over to my friend's house and stab him to death. I'd hate to have that on my conscience...plus who would I talk to on the phone about people who can't write their way out of a paper bag...or, in this case "out the box"...to save their lives?

Keep in mind this was written by the Regional General Manager...in a state that may or may not be Texas. (Hey, I seriously don't want my friend killed.) This email has also kept both of us entertained for over three years now...

Date: Tuesday, January 22, 2008, 9:08 AM

My name is Bob Smith RGM with Churchs Chicken on Main Street. I'm so sorry to here, 12min was the wait time before you receiving your order. As well as the sauce from the wings was leaking out the box. Your comments will be address with the Restaurant team and staff. I would like to offer you a free complimentary 12 Boneless Wings reg frie and drink for your delay. Thank you for taking the time on letting us know how to better serve you. Please feel free to contact me at 555-4567

Thank You

Bob Smith

Sometimes you just gotta wonder what some people were thinking...and IF thinking was even involved at all.

What can I say...Church's Chicken...gotta love it! ;)