A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

19 June 2006

Stars Fell On...Wetumpka

Stars fell on Alabama some 80+ million years ago...well, not exactly "stars"...but "cosmic debris" just doesn't have the same ring to it...it's not on my license tag...and as far as I know, no one from Alabama's ever written a love ballad about cosmic debris...probably not even a ditty. Nonetheless, a meteor slammed into the ground right in my backyard and I've been talking about it for ages...and it seems not many people are really giving it the attention I think it deserves.

Where are the billboards that say "Welcome to Wetumpka...Home of an Honest to Goodness Meteor Crater Impact Site"...or those cutesy signs with the elaborate iron scrollwork on top that designate a "historical event". If this isn't considered a historical event, I don't know what is...and I think it's long overdue.

A little back-history about myself...I loved dinosaurs when dinosaurs weren't "cool"...way before "Jurassic Park" came about, I also loved space stuff, like the moon landing...and was glued to the television set when Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" series came on PBS, so you can say I'm a little surprised this area isn't touting a meteorite landing zone, something they didn't have to spend any money on to create...and capitalizing off of it in some small way.

Where are the walking tours...where are the reporters...where are the documentaries on The Discovery Channel showing the geologist with the pick-axe pointing to the shocked quartz explaining shocked quartz's relevance as it pertains to impact craters, where is that perimeter fence cordoning off the area so no one pilfers souvenirs? When I first heard about them sending in scientists to verify the geologic evidence a few years back I was extremely excited...when they left with more proof to support their earlier findings, I was telling everyone who would listen. Most people I spoke with here didn't even know they came and left...most people didn't seem to care. Oh, I know there's a lot more going on in the world to concentrate on than some 6.5 km hole left in the Earth by some wayward asteroid that now is slowly being etched away and obscured by Super Walmarts, Rite-Aids and houses anyway.

But I can step outside...and step onto the rock steps that lead down to my patio...the very same rocks that were violently heaved from the depths all those eons ago...which used to be on the side of Route 231 before we lugged them home...years before I found out about the impact crater that hardly anyone cares about. But at least now they are getting some attention...if only by us.

15 June 2006

Getting Carded

This week tens upon thousands of people did what I used to do...read dozens upon dozens of Father's Day cards to find one that doesn't have a sappy sentiment such as "You are the world's best Dad!" and "Dad...thanks for all the things you did for me throughout the years even tho I didn't appreciate them." I know that this happens as I would see someone with the same robotic movements as me..."pick a card up...open card...roll eyes...put card back...pick up a card..." I would comment..."Oh...I wish there'd be just a generic "Happy Father's Day" one...nothing like golf clubs or race cars on the front...no "#1 Best Dad" pull off medals in the inside. Just a "here's my requisite card 'cause I have to" section...to make it much easier on us. And they would totally agree...furnishing their rationale for doing it...seeking a stranger's approval...and feeling less guilty once received.

Oh...seriously, I've seen the looks on faces. Watch for yourself next time you are standing in the "Happy" Birthday, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Anniversary, etc., aisle. These people are none too happy. Rows upon rows of cards with people holding hands, kissing, having a picnic, horseback riding...you'd think they are selling tampons. It gets to be where you almost want to just complain they don't have one of those "Gift Cards" so you can just spend $4 on one to give it to the person so they can just go pick their own card out. "Here ya go...I didn't care enough to pick a present out for you...why would I bother wasting 20 minutes looking for a card?"

I can see Hallmark making a killing on these things: "When you don't care enough to send the very best...and really don't want to waste the time gagging..." Personally I like the cards without stuff inside...I like to write my own sentiments. Face it, if you are in love with someone, you should be the only one who could tell them how you think...and conversely...if you can't stand the ground they walk upon...especially if you have to tread upon it right after they do.

Yes, I know this probably sounds horribly awful, especially since I revered my Mother so...but sometimes even cards with comedic undertones can't camouflage what you feel in your heart. Sometimes you just want to just say what you have to say...without having to say anything else. Enough said.

08 June 2006

Silly Hat Fridays

If you've lived any time in Montgomery you know full well that this is just not a hoppin' town. This whole place shuts down around 9:00...most people have gone to bed long before then. The club scene...is there a club scene? Well, maybe there is...I'm old now, so maybe it's just knowledge privy only to the younger people. But it seems to me that if you are young and want to have a good time...there's just no place to hang out and meet people in this town...well, even if you are older...you got me where you go. Face it, Barnes & Noble and Books-A-Million's dating scene is only surpassed by Starbucks. In other words...this place is just not happening.

Oh, I know this place isn't New York City, or Los Angeles or Atlanta...far from it...but they have something we don't have. They have places where you can casually stroll down the street and shuffle in and out of and mingle with people who are doing the same. In fact, the town of Buckhead, a section of Atlanta that I love to visit...has a sign on the street where a bunch of clubs are lined up one after the other, which states you cannot circle the block more than three times as this would then be considered "cruising". Oh, no such signs ever needed in THIS town, ever...so I think we need to do something else to get people talking and having a good time.

My proposal...which I've thought about for years...is "Silly Hat Fridays". Oh, don't laugh now...well, unless it gets you to start talking to someone else you wouldn't ordinarily speak to. Just think about it...if a whole community can get into stacking up a flaming tower of jack o'lanterns during Halloween and beating their past record for it...well, that's something. I think we could start something, too. I think we should.

Who wouldn't like to don a wacky hat and drive around town on a Friday night? Look what conversations it would spark..."Hey, where'd you get THAT hat? I made my own...I'm working at the Shakespeare Theatre helping out with their costumes." Or "I got mine online at this place called Giant Steps." Now, would you ever have known that about anyone, without the Silly Hat day? I don't think so. Then it just snowballs from there...you start talking about other things...and pretty soon your awkwardness has turned to real conversation and you didn't have to buy a $6 Frappamochaccino Latte and sip it outside hoping someone notices you. Someone WILL notice you! And they will talk.

Then it can also be parlayed into various things...clubs can feature a discount if you wear a silly hat, so can restaurants and other establishments. If you were living in Jersey, I'd say instead of selling those "Velvet Elvises" by the roadside, you could set up shop selling silly hats...but we aren't in Jersey...so I guess that guy who sells sunglasses out in front of Catholic High can switch...apparently that's a good place to sell sunglasses...I've seen him there a few times. And on Sundays it can be "buy a paper...and a silly hat...that'll be $20...now get your butt outta here, the light's changed". See? Not only has this idea been instrumental in garnering new relationships and promoting friendships...but it's also opened up a whole new marketing dream. "Buy a Christmas tree...get a free hat." Who could possibly pass that opportunity up? "Why...yes, my tree does rival something out of that Charlie Brown Christmas Special...but LOOK at the free hat I got!"

So, as we've just got done at the polls picking our primary candidates for Governor, I think we should see if one of them wants to throw their silly hat into the ring and start a statewide campaign addressing this. Okay, so it wouldn't be as important a platform to run on...than all those other issues that they never deliver...but someone would probably make a killing on those donkey and elephant hats. At the very least that would certainly get people talking for a while...even if they, too, make a few false promises...but hey...isn't that what dating's all about?

05 June 2006

Hair Today...Gone Tomorrow

Something happened in the past decade or two which no one has stepped forward to claim credit for...a great plague upon humanity has been cured. Somewhere along the line the Louis Pasteur of hair care products has failed to get his due recognition...somewhere between the time period of Charlie's Angels and the movie remake, "frizzies" and "split ends" became a thing of the past.

When exactly did this all happen? I was thinking about it the other day...oh, I think about the oddest things; but it dawned on me that I haven't seen anyone on television looking forlornly at their split ends like it was the end of the world. No "she's got frizzies!" comments from co-workers being whispered around the office behind their dishpan hands...as dishpan hands are now a thing of the past as well. That "secret ingredient" Madge had everyone "soaking in" in that Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid must have had its patent expire, along with her, sometime in 2004.

So, perhaps other horrid afflictions that dominated the airwaves of the 70's, 80's, and 90's have been exorcised from the viewing public. Let's explore that theory...and to do that we need to remember all those shows we used to watch, what they used to wear that we just had to have, and what we used to buy that we thought would make us look like them, smell like them, and be as irresistible as them...and more importantly, those commercials which promised to do just that.

It seems that women don't get those nasty nicks when they shave their legs anymore and it has absolutely nothing to do with the Epilady or Nads. Epilady which would yank the unsuspecting hair from the most delicate places on a woman's body only to make you wish you'd just pour hot wax on your body. Oh...hot wax? We can do that, too...but we have this product called Nads...Nads...guaranteed to make you buy the product just so you can giggle to your friends that you have Nads. Oh, don't even tell me you watched this infomercial without doing a double-take. But all those products are now a thing of the past...and I don't know how women go about removing all that unwanted hair and apparently the people on television don't care much either.

Women also don't need to control their bulges anymore via L'eggs Control Top Pantyhose...and girdles went out with Lucy. The last time I saw someone on TV dealing with IPLs (Invisible Panty Lines) girls didn't wear thongs that showed above their low-cut jeans as heaven forbid nothing "showed" in the 70's. Remember those seamless bras? "Oh...look at her...you can see the lines on her bra showing thru the shirt...those horrid straps...they aren't SEAMLESS!" Well, they never banked on Madonna coming along wearing her underwear on the outside of her clothes, did they? And seriously, don't we all owe her a debt of gratitude? Without her maybe we'd be so darn self-conscious by now about any protrusion our underwear dared to show that we'd be seeing lawsuits against Playtex..."Your 18-hour bra didn't last 18 hours...and I didn't get that promotion as I was paying too much attention to just how much my seams were showing when I interviewed that I couldn't concentrate on the questions themselves. I therefore am seeking 3 million in damages and another 5 mil in punytive (okay that's bad...I know it) ones...as your bra didn't remotely make me anywhere as endowed as Jane Russell." Altho Farrah Fawcett never was either...and she did just fine jiggling career and fame for a while there.

And I'm not purposely neglecting you guys...but it seems no one wants to see you naked anymore. Sorry. No more "all my men wear English Leather or they wear nothing at all"...and "take it off...take it ALL off". Forget wearing Hi-Karate...no one's going to "attack" you in the elevator no matter how many Cosmo magazines you buy her. Don't believe everything you see...or thinks she reads.

So, tonight as I watch TV I will be reminded that my abdominal bloating can be cured with Zelnorm, my insomnia can be cured with Lunesta, my teeth aren't white enough...my cholesterol isn't low enough...and if I've ever had difficulty concentrating it's gotta be a sign of something more serious that I should probably "ask my doctor about". And regardless of whether I'm taking a purple, blue, or pink pill...anything I take can cause stomach upset, headache or diarrhea...but as far as I know, my hair will still be shiny and my hands...soft as silk.