A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

05 February 2014

Day 5: The Empty Bottle

Do you ever get into that mood when you're relaxing at home and once the clock strikes that magical number you've designated as "drinking time" (as if drinking before that time would signify you might have a drinking problem) - so you get your alcohol of choice out...and you know in a few minutes you will be easin' on into your "happy place" -- so you start pouring and there's about seven drops left in the bottle?
Well, this blog isn't about that time.
It's about marketing genius.
And, because my time is limited (there are other blogs to read, after all) I'll stick to a couple of my favourite things:  alcohol and cussing.
Now, the art of using a nasty word in your brand name is nothing new...I'm sure that's how "Spencer Gifts" got started in their niche market in the mall, selling anything remotely vulgar or remotely vulgar sounding.  Does "Spencer Gifts" even still exist?  Oh, who cares.
As far as alcohol goes, "Fat Bastard" wine comes to mind...but I've never tried any.  It seems to have been named with the full intention of sticking lousy wine in a bottle and naming it something, hoping that people would buy a bottle to share with other equally silly friends...who snicker at the mere mention of a naughty word on the label.  Do wine people really do this? 
I haven't a clue.  But a vodka company undoubtedly tried to capitalize on their name...with titillating ads such as this:

...and this: 

...and even this:

So you're probably asking yourself, "What kind of stupid idiot buys a bottle of vodka based purely on its crude-sounding name?"

Ummm...I have no effen clue.

Now go on over to "We Work for Cheese" to read all the other fantastic writers doing their take on today's prompt, "The Empty Bottle"...I am sure they put a better spin on theirs than I did mine.



  1. Ha ha ! That bottle did make me chuckle and it's not Vodka , it's Martini ! :-) Kenny .

  2. There's a cocktail (sorry) made with that brand of vodka you speak. It is called an Effen Orgasm-no matter how fast you drink it, it's easy to swallow. And assured you'll come back for more.

  3. I just wanna know where exactly you enjoyed your effen?

  4. Haha! I effen ove it!

    Oh my, the days of my youth spent giggling in Spencer Gifts. I think I saw one of those a couple of years ago - not sure, though.

  5. I enjoyed effen on my sofa. :)

  6. Bravo! Brilliant marketing plan, really. Obviously, by looking at your empty bottle, it must be pretty good vodka. I really enjoyed your post! Cheers!

  7. OH MY GOSH I LOVED GOING TO SPENCER GIFTS! Remember the black light poster section in the back? And there were naughty toys, dirty games, crude humor everywhere... it was AWESOME being a young teen and going in there! I effen loved it!

  8. That is indeed some effen marketing genius!

  9. It wasn't good enough vodka for me to get a second bottle.

    Yes - the black light poster section was always fun as a kid...and the naughty stupid gag gifts.

  10. First time I've seen those ads or that brand name. Touche!

  11. I've not seen that brand or the ads either. But then again, I'm not a vodka connoisseur. I must be missing something.

  12. Please tell me after you finished that bottle, you slammed it down, wiped your mouth with the back of your hand, and then you said, "Now that was some good Effen!"

  13. That is marketing genius right there. I've never heard of the vodka, but now I might want to try it!