A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

19 February 2014

Day 19: Tastes like chicken

(I put a note on the box so my son wouldn't eat one.  Oh, joy of joys, I ate one a couple days ago...yes...the exact kind of "Hot Pockets" that was recalled.  So far the batch numbers on the box don't match...but I'm keeping it because they'll find out in a couple days that more were involved.  They always, always do.)

I was going to do a long-winded blog about how incomprehensible it was (at least to me) that nearly nine million pounds of beef sent out to various companies for inclusion into their products was recalled the other day, most notably, so far, to the "Hot Pockets" people...but I won't.  I still don't understand how you can be butchering up diseased and inedible portions of cows for ONE FRIGGEN YEAR and no one finds out about it until now.  Yes, one year.  One entire year.
Anyway, considering one of the main culprits for food-borne pathogens, which end up killing you, or sickening you, are cantaloupes, bean sprouts, spinach, and tomatoes...it seems I'll be damned either way -- being a meat eater or a vegetarian.  (That is totally true, by the way -- I didn't do one of those "writer's embellishment" thingies just for blog purposes.)
So, fuck it.  And, I can't eat apples, either, as apples want to kill me.  Long story - it involves swallowing a piece of one, calling up the on-call USAF base doctor, who basically hung up on me after jerkily saying "You are talking...you don't have a piece of apple lodged in your throat...anyway, you shouldn't be eating apples at 3:00 a.m."  Turned out I went to the emergency room anyway...after about six hours of impatiently waiting, i.e. being too afraid to sleep with an undigested niblet of food in my gullet. It finally dissolved itself -- about the same time I had the barium contrast swallow test; I swear it was there. And, yes, people do get bits of meat and food lodged in their esophagus and still manage to talk.  Sometimes they have to take the really long tongs and yank the food out.  It happens a lot...or so the ER people told me.  I'm thinking it probably does.
But, back to my original thought -- considering that a half-billion, yes, that's half a billion, eggs were recalled in 2010...eventually, everything you eat will find a way to kill you...given enough time.  It's like we're all playing Russian Roulette with the foods we eat and the USDA keeps reloading the gun.
So, if it tastes like chicken, beware, it just might have been one of those egg layers...they have to do something with the chickens eventually, right?  I'd suggest you go eat a nice healthy salad instead...but that'll kill you just as dead.

The prompt today at "We Work for Cheese" was "Tastes like chicken".  Please go and visit all the other participants, who probably aren't as overly worried and overly zealous as myself about the food they shove into their mouths. 



  1. Well, damn. No meat. No veggies. Guess that only leaves drinking. Wait. Hooray!

  2. It really is getting to the point of starving. You can't eat anything anymore for fear there's some strange ingredient in it. Everything'll kill you these days.

  3. Drinking is right out... GMO potatoes (vodka), and who knows what they do with wine grapes!

  4. Yee-ikes! I shouldn't be reading this stuff when I'm hungry!

  5. OMG I had a piece of sharp artichoke leaf in my throat. I went to Patient First... he said nope, nothing there. It hurt to swallow. I felt sharp pain in there... ugh. By the next morning I could not stand it. Once again took a flashlight and long tweezers. Overnight it had gotten just swollen enough that I could actually see it... I pulled it out and that was that. I so get it... it is scary!

  6. Chilling and entertaining. I am both horrified and amused by this post.

  7. I've eaten prolly half a ton of Hot Pockets in my 25 years. Ain't afraid to die, so will continue to eat them