Day 17: I faked it

This is a milestone of sorts for me:  It's my 400th blog.  Woohooo!  

Now this might not seem like a lot, especially to people who write things like "Hey, my cat just threw up on my carpet!" or "Screw it, it's been a hard day, I'm going to have some wine and watch car chases and zombies on Netflix." as blogs.  

My blogs, are far from that.  Typically they are wordy.  Maybe a bit too wordy for a lot of people. I used to refer to my blog as a "blogumn" instead of a "column" as I first started writing blogs back in March 2006 at the Montgomery Advertiser newspaper here in town hoping to get a job out of it.  But, if you were reading these blogs this month, you'll know that already.  Didn't happen.  Still hoping that maybe one day someone will see these online and give me the opportunity to write something...anything...and pay me a pittance for the pleasure.

In my mind, I like to believe they are short stories...very short stories. A slice of my life hopefully buttered with enough syllables in the correct order, to make it somehow apply to your life as well.  If I can relate one of these "stories" to your life, in any way, and you think, "Hey, I thought that before!" or "Hey...that's happened to me countless times!" or "Oh...geez...I do that, too." then my job has been done.  If I can make you say, "Wow...I never really thought of that this way before...this is interesting!" then my job has just begun.

I hope one day to write a book...I've wanted to do just that since I was a small kid.  When I was little, my mother always told me to write children's books. "Mariann", she would say, (it would have been stupid for her to call me 'Bob" or "Jimmy") "Why don't you write some books for children? That's where all the money's at."  And I always thought she had no clue - this was well before all those "Goosebumps", "Harry Potter", and "Twilight" books. A LONG time before. But, damned if she wasn't right after all...that IS where the big money is.  And that's probably where I'd get the most satisfaction.  

Don't get me wrong, I'd love for adults to love my books and include my works in those "high school reading lists" - up there with all the classics and other books you dread reading over the summer. But to be able to get a child enthused enough to be glued to my book, or a series of them, like J.K. Rowling did?  Absolutely fantastic! At the end of the day, when all is read and done, I think that might actually give me the most satisfaction.  

I don't know if I'll have ever a career as a novelist, seems everyone nowadays knows someone personally (at least online) who has written a book.  Anyone can write a book.  My cats can write a book...the key to writing a good one is "to put the words in the right order."  

If and when I figure out how to do that, you'll know -- oh, you'll know for certain.  I'll be the extremely happy one walking around with a smile on my face and a skip in my step. And, when I'm not skipping, I'll have a glass of wine in my hand. And, I'll be soooooo rich someone else can clean up the cat vomit from the carpets...hell, what am I thinking here?  I'm rich! I can buy all new carpets every time they do it!

Until then...that smile on my face and that skip in my step?  I faked it.  The wine, however, is real...and it's in one of those fancy "wine-specific" Riedel glasses.  I have a bunch of them...and they honestly work...wine does taste differently in one glass vs another.  Let me elaborate a little...

Ugh...sorry...gotta cut this short...one of my cats is hacking up a hairball or something right now in the other room.  Ugh!  Ugh!  She's right underneath the piano, too, right where I can't get to her.  Ugh...this is always fun.

Anyway, go on over to "We Work For Cheese" to see what the other writers are coming up for "I'm faking it" today, Day 17, of the "30 Minus 2 Days of Writing" blogging workshop.

Day 5: The Empty Bottle

Do you ever get into that mood when you're relaxing at home and once the clock strikes that magical number you've designated as "drinking time" (as if drinking before that time would signify you might have a drinking problem) - so you get your alcohol of choice out...and you know in a few minutes you will be easin' on into your "happy place" -- so you start pouring and there's about seven drops left in the bottle?

 

Well, this blog isn't about that time.

 

It's about marketing genius.

 

And, because my time is limited (there are other blogs to read, after all) I'll stick to a couple of my favourite things:  alcohol and cussing.

 

Now, the art of using a nasty word in your brand name is nothing new...I'm sure that's how "Spencer Gifts" got started in their niche market in the mall, selling anything remotely vulgar or remotely vulgar sounding.  Does "Spencer Gifts" even still exist?  Oh, who cares.

 

As far as alcohol goes, "Fat Bastard" wine comes to mind...but I've never tried any.  It seems to have been named with the full intention of sticking lousy wine in a bottle and naming it something, hoping that people would buy a bottle to share with other equally silly friends...who snicker at the mere mention of a naughty word on the label.  Do wine people really do this? 

 

I haven't a clue.  But a vodka company undoubtedly tried to capitalize on their name...with titillating ads such as this:

 

 

...and this: 

 

...and even this:

 

 

So you're probably asking yourself, "What kind of stupid idiot buys a bottle of vodka based purely on its crude-sounding name?"

 

 

 

Ummm...I have no effen clue.





Now go on over to "We Work for Cheese" to read all the other fantastic writers doing their take on today's prompt, "The Empty Bottle"...I am sure they put a better spin on theirs than I did mine.

 

Simply Absurd

Today's prompt over at "We Work for Cheese" is "Absurd". And while I could go on and on about a story about my butt (for the umpteenth time) - I will spare you, and go straight to just things I find absurd. I'm not really deep thinking here and I'm right smack into the newest episode of "Ripper Street" which I think is the exact same premise as "Copper" only with a different set of actors, which, in itself is kind of absurd...but I'll throw in a few things that I find absurd.

Thirty-three things I find absurd...in no specific order...other than numerical. I decided a nice "round" number like 33 would be good so you would have to know how far to scroll down to in order to comment. :)

1. How nobody batted an eye (other than Jeannie on "I Dream of Jeannie" and that was on another network) or did a double-take at all when they switched the Darrin character on "Bewitched".

2. How dumbass things like the girl burning her hair with a curling iron manages to go viral on the Internet.

3. How dumbass I was for falling victim to clicking to watch the dumbass video of the girl burning her hair with the curling iron on the Internet.

4. How reporters on the Internet can get a job, yet I can't get one to save my life.

5. Why anyone abbreviates the would "you" -- it's only TWO MORE LETTERS, people!

6. Why anyone would take that psoriasis medicine they advertise on television considering it might give you seven different types of cancer, anal leakage (which may or may not be severe), liver failure and mild to moderate death.

7. Why people ask you how you are doing while you are on the elevator at the hospital either going to or leaving a doctor's office. Like how the hell do you think I'm doing...I'm IN the friggen hospital either going to or leaving a doctor's office! Dumbass.

8. Why someone would get inside of a laundry basket and slide down an overpass hill on a make-shift sled, literally inches away from traffic usually going over 55 mph (when it wasn't crawling at a snail's pace because of the weather) when it snowed a whopping two inches in Birmingham, Alabama a few weeks ago...considering they aren't at all familiar with snow at all as it rarely does in this area...and also the facts: 1) Snow is slippery when wet; 2) there is no ledge or berm-type structure separating you from getting run over by a car after you pummel over the railing head-first; and, 3) laundry baskets are not equipped with brakes.

9. Atheists saying "OMG!"

10. How I manage to write better when my brain is really whacked out on Ambien.

11. How people cannot readily calculate 20% of a number...yet have no difficulty calculating 10%.

12. Why any woman would want a guy who is really endowed. Seriously...hey, I saw a guy once who was really...um...built that way. No way would I touch that with a ten foot pole. Not that I could really...as, seriously...whoa boy. No way, ya know?

14. Why people who jump all over someone on the Internet for not spelling things correctly usually have a typo in their comment.

15. Why we had to put our ugliest presidents and other political figures on our American money. Why couldn't we have picked the better looking ones?

16. Why anyone still uses that "shaky camera technique" -- and just what are the requirements on that job applications?

17. Why anyone would want to be a proctologist. (Sorry...had to throw a butt one in there someplace.)

18. Why anyone would want a television service that allows you to record five shows at once. I can't even find one good one to watch at any given time. Five??

19. People who feel compelled to use two question marks in a row...as if it somehow makes it funnier that way.

20. Why the guy who head butts anyone on film never gets hurt, too.

21. Infomercials.

22. People on Facebook who get annoyed at me because I'm not eating meat during Lent on Fridays...like it's inconveniencing them somehow.

23. How Spiderman managed to swing from place to place in the old cartoon, yet none of the buildings were higher than he was.

24. Doors that open inwards in public rest rooms.

25. People who tell you "Don't mind the mess" when the most you can see that is remotely "messy" in their house are those two magazines on an end table.

26. Why people would think four faces carved into a mountainside is prettier to look at than the way the mountain was before they started carving it.

27. People who tell me that all red wine tastes the same.

28. People who tell me that all bottled water tastes the same.

29. People who make fun of people for being "ugly" - as if they played any part in how they were born.

30. People who pronounce "absurd" - "abzerd".

31. Everyone complaining at how music sucks nowadays yet it keeps on getting worse.

32. Everyone complaining at how bad all those reality shows are and how they never watch any...yet the networks keep making more.

33. How some of you are still with me after this many absurd comments...and those of you who did or did not notice that the number 13 comment wasn't there.


Ta-da!  All done.  And aren't you glad?  Oh shuddup...some were true and you know it.

You Can't Make Great Wine with Sour Grapes aka My Look Back at 2012

You can't make great wine with sour grapes.

Well, maybe you can, I don't know as I'm not an oenophile...but I know one thing's for certain: If you lie on your back long enough "woe-is-me-ing" the day away, not much gets accomplished.

I was going to write a catchy little end-of-year blog...a summation of what I experienced in the past year. I was going to do it really interestingly like my friend, Meleah, did with hers...but as I laid there, on my bed, woe-is-me-ing" away...I realized, "By God! I don't have anything really worthy to say!"

Oh, sure, I participated in Ziva's month-long "30 Days of Photographs" non-contest in April...and I enjoyed he heck outta that one, but, other than that...what could I say?

In September my daughter accomplished being named "National Merit Scholarship Semi-Finalist". Yep...it's all MY fault right there.

October brought Hurricane Sandy ashore to mess up parts of New York, New England, and my beloved New Jersey. Even with the devastation, I longed to be back there. Geez, I miss Jersey.

Then in July and December I cried a lot - I don't like mass shootings...so shoot me. Yeah, not so funny, anymore, is it?

I also had plans of talking about a wonderful person, a stranger really...who wanted to remain anonymous and be given absolutely no thanks whatsoever. This person showed up out of Internetland...and made my daughter and I cry again...but this time it was with tears of joy and love. I won't go into details as that is what they wished...but what transpired showed me that there truly are wonderful people out there. The only thing this person requested...was that one day...I should do a like kindness. Perhaps not the same kindness...but a kindness...a kindness which I can do in some way. I will, one day, honour that request.

I had all those plans...but there I was, still lying around like a dead carp -- and still thinking about how pathetic my little life was and how I was rather looking forward to the demise of the world, Mayan-style, on the 21st of December. It would have solved a lot of the world's problems, mine included, but then I got some much-needed sense knocked into me.

I started thinking about the ills of mankind throughout the ages...and what "age" I rather would have been born. I thought about this thoroughly. I went through all the countries, too. France, England, the US...and all the others I had some vague historical knowledge about...and thought where I would have been happy...and most importantly, when.

This progressed to visions of political imprisonment -- thrown in and left to rot...just for voicing that you were against...and then, later, were for...Napoleon (or any of a myriad of tyrannical leaders). I thought about the strife of coming over to a new land, kicking people off theirs, and claiming it as your own. I thought of poor little Dickensian orphans, working their fingers to the bone in the dead of Victorian winter like so many Hans Christian Andersen "Little Match Girl" characters.

I thought of so many wars throughout the world...throughout history...and throughout my lifetime. Where would I feel safe? Where could I go? When would I pick? When are things in MY life going to get better?

Then I thought how I probably would have died from Black Plague in the 1600s, succumbed to Tuberculosis in the 1800s, been a statistic in the 1918 pandemic, or just even one of the unremembered thousands upon thousands who died during childbirth. More realistically, I would have been dead at 41 because of my lung...had I had my lung problem prior to the mid-to-late 1900s. And -- I would surely have died living in the brutally cold and hostile environment of the Russian Ural Mountains since I can't even tolerate the temperature in my house getting down to a "frigid" 69.8.

Lastly, I will stop "woe-is-me-ing" (or at least greatly curtail) every single time I read about the fortuitous happenings regarding a viral blog writer, or a blog writer turned book writer, or a book writer turned blog writer, or anything with the word "writer" in it...because it's only my own damned fault I'm not famous because apparently I'm not sticking these things, called words, in the correct order.

Plus, first and foremost...I'm just not sticking to it.

But...I'm going to really try this year...basically because I'm just so tired of swallowing that bitter whine of mine...and there's no better vintage than now to get started.

Day 27: Nude

Well, I know everyone has been waiting for "Nude" Day...and it's finally here. I, too, have been waiting for "Nude" Day - but much longer than anyone else. More after the introductions of my fellow non-contestants...and don't forget to thank Ziva for coming up with this idea...

MikeWJ, Nicky and Mike, Mo, Meleah, John, aka nonamedufus, Bryan, aka Unfinished Person, Malisa, Nora, LaughingMom, Tanya, Elizabeth A., 00dozo, Cheryl, Kristen, Katherine, and, last -- but definitely not least, Ziva.


Day 27 -- Nude:

Back in August of 2009 the powers that be which reside on the Alabama Alcohol Committee got their panties in a wad...over the lack of panties. A French bicycle ad from the 1800s was a tad too racy to slap on a product which is only sold to people over 21. And the thing is, as you can plainly see...it's not in a suggestive, full-on, horny-porny pose. It's just a drawing of a naked nymph...but, Alabama stated that children would see these wine bottles in stores (so, keep your kid away when you buy your alcohol) and their little brains could not handle a side-view of a stylized art depiction of a nude lady. What you are seeing here is a tiny button of a nipple and a somewhat Rubenesque tushie. Yeah...too much for the people at the Legislature and Alabama's Board of Alcohol Commission to wrap its dirty little heads around - so they banned it so we wouldn't be able to wrap our dirty little hands around any bottle in the state of Alabama...ever.

But...as you see...I have one! I bought it in Atlanta - and it's probably illegal for me to own it in my state...but that's just the rebel...or actually, the yankee...that I am. I am keeping my nude nymph'd bottle and giggle like a displaced New Jersian schoolgirl each time I look at it and think back about how this controversy was blown completely out of proportion and more than a tad too insane in this day and age. After all, heaven forbid someone drink a bottle of wine without a naked chick on the label and they end up butt naked; at least with this bottle -- there was truth in advertising, right?  "If you drink this wine you might get as naked as this labelled lady...don't say we didn't warn you!"
 

But I guess it's easier to walk around with your eyes totally open but your mind totally shut when you make the rules in this state.

Cheers!

Cl...assy Reminders

You can spell "CLASS" a lot of ways - but..."Remind me of your name again in the morning" is not one of them. Let me elucidate...

My daughter and I were doing our usual TJ Maxx/Fresh Market jaunt today and we noticed a lady who was walking back to her car in the parking lot wearing a T-shirt which looked exactly like this:

She had a couple kids in tow, one of whom was a girl approximately 10-years old...give or take a year or two. Now, correct me if I'm wrong...or maybe I'm just overly prudish...but isn't wearing a shirt with a saying like that - in front of your pre-teen daughter - an open invitation?

In a couple years from now when the daughter has a boyfriend...if she doesn't have one already (yes, I'm rolling my eyes...I've met so many people recently with "'tweens" who have "actual" boyfriends or girlfriends...and the parents are bragging about it)...and the mother is wondering how the heck her "oh-so" innocent daughter got pregnant when she didn't know ANYTHING about sex -- well...there ya go.

Maybe she has a few more T-shirts at home in her bureau saying things like "Don't bother...I'm not drunk yet"..."Who needs brains, when you have these!"...and "You're a naughty boy...go to my room!" Keep in mind those are only the ones I can put on my blog here at the Montgomery Advertiser's site because of the "word censor". I've seen a LOT worse at those little kiosks in the mall...I've seen mothers AND their teenage daughters shopping together for naughty T-shirts right in Eastdale Mall. (Bear in mind this all is taking place in a town [in a state] which just banned a wine because the label depicted a painting of the side view of a nude nymph on a bicycle.)

Yep...nothing instills a real sense of mother/daughter bonding like matching "I'm a virgin (but then again, this is a very old shirt)" T-shirts.

And while this definitely proves the old adage, "You can't buy class" - I bet you can get the saying put on a T-shirt (especially with a few of the letters strategically worn off). ;)

(I also post this blog on the Montgomery Advertiser's online site...just in case you were wondering why I mentioned them and the "word censor".)