A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

06 February 2014

Day 6: Scatterbrained

Well, I had a good idea for a short story for We Work for Cheese's "Discouraging Writers Everywhere" aka "30 Minus 2 Days of Writing" challenge...but, as I didn't write it down when it first came to me while I was in the kitchen buttering my waffle, it, like so many of my other stunningly brilliant ideas...dissipated pretty much as soon as it came.
It kinda went something like this:
"Look, Tom, I'm not gonna do this shit again.  I'm tired of it.  You hear me?  I'm fucking serious as a heart attack, man...I'm sick and fucking tired of it!"
It was a really good idea.  It was.  It was going to rival "Pulp Fiction" - and Tarantino would have called me in a few days (not wanting to look too eager by emailing me for my phone number straight away) to firm up the details. Sure, he would have changed the guy's name from "Tom" to "Tommy" or something...just nothing stupid like "Jed" or "Lance"...altho, "Look, Lance..." with an air of Tarantino-ish snide sarcasm in the guy's voice, might have worked.  These are the things we would have talked about on the phone...and later on, in person.
And it would have been a great film, too.  It would have made some actors famous...who will now never know what it's like to schmooze and hobnob with Hollywood's "A-List" celebrities...all because I didn't have a pen and paper handy.  I always think I'm going to remember -- I keep repeating it in my head over and over...but...then, in a blink of an eye, or in this case, a swipe of a knife...and it's gone.

It's always the same...I even had one of these things given to me about eight years ago:

It's much, much more complicated than this thing...

...because it has side buttons on the left...


...and on the right...

The manual is also about as thick as the one they give to you when you learn to fly the Space Shuttle...and the Space Shuttle people never had to drive down a busy road when an idea...an awfully brilliant idea...popped into their heads.  Needless to say...I am alive (and so are countless other people) because I can't figure out how to operate it while I'm sitting in the confines of my house, let alone out in traffic when all my most viable ideas manifest themselves.

It is, for all intents and purposes...a very sexy looking white gadget which, for some odd reason, reminds me of those old Virginia Slims cigarette packs.  And who the hell wouldn't have wanted to smoke these things back then if you could've looked as hot as Kelly Emberg does is this 1980s advert? (I hope that's her - I think that's her...I'm almost fairly certain that's her.)

Which gets me thinking...Kelly Emberg...I wonder if they used to say she was "hot an ember"?  I bet they did.  I'm going to have look up if they even used the word "hot" to refer to women back then, you know, in the 1980s, when she was in every single Vogue magazine. 
I always wanted to look like her, too...and when I had my nose done in the 1980s I was hoping they'd give me her nose.  They didn't. 
Speaking of noses...she was in a long-time relationship with Rod Stewart, who I always thought oozed sex appeal.  They also have a child together: a daughter.  I sure hope she has her nose (well, not her nose...of course she has her nose - I meant Emberg's instead of Rod's)...but, I bet she (Emberg) had a nose job, tho...only she got a better nose than I did.
They used to do this procedure on the nose...where they'd actually take a bit of your cartilage and form it into a "V" shape and pop it into the tip of your nose, so you could have that "bone in the nose" look which was all the rage in the 1980s. 
Alas, my nose doctor, Julius Newman aka "Dr. Nose" (the doctor who invented liposuction, and who had a Rolls Royce with "DR NOSE" license plates)...didn't give me a V-tip.  I did, however, get cheekbones done as well.  I didn't know I didn't have cheekbones until he pointed it out to me in his swanky Philadelphia office.  Once I had them...I realized I must not have had 'em before...because the first time I washed my face...and you know how you lean over the sink? Well, you don't really realize you truly know the contours of your face until your face gets some cheekbones put in -- the first time I cupped my hands to splash the soap off...there they were!  There were now hollows where my eyes are...instead of just a flat surface.  Pretty nifty.  In case you didn't know, they shove cheek implants up through the inside of your mouth...so you have no visible scars - and then they anchor them with a looped piece of string that goes into the grooved portion around the implant...and that's what keeps them tethered in place until they yank the strings out of your face a few days later.  THAT was a weird sensation, I tell you.  I still remember it like it was only yesterday. 
Strange the things you remember...and the things you don't.  I guess some people are just scatterbrained that way...but in totally different way than how I was going to have brains scattered all over the place in my Tarantino movie.
Yeah...I think I really woulda liked that film.
(Another strange thing: I had decided, for some odd reason to Google "Julius Newman" one day...just out of the blue...and it just so happened to be the day after he died.  I had never Google'd him before, which made it all the more odd.  I was going to work that bit of info into this blog...but I thought it would have been way too convoluted to follow...so I tacked this on as an end note. I still think it's very strange.)

(Also, "buttering my waffle" is not a euphemism for masturbation...but, if it were, it would be an awesome one.)



  1. Again, I apologize for the whack letter size at the end there. For some reason it used to post it up in the desired size (the "strange thing" size) - but it squeezes it to a smaller font and then it up and made an even smaller font...when, in preview mode, it was all normal. THIS is exactly why I need to start posting up on WordPress...but, I have no idea how. It's so so complicated...even more so than my iPod, which has three buttons.

    Also, sorry to everyone about not being able to post comments on your blogs lately...some refuse to let me post them...and some ask me to join things so I can comment. I get so frazzled when that happens...because I'm afraid to touch the "disappear everything off your computer now" button.

    1. Nice post on the art of being scatterbrained...not that you are, of course.

      I have those text problems too and I just go into the html and find the offending code and delete it. That sounds easy, but it can be darned confusing to delete what you need to delete and keep the necessary stuff to make it all look right.

      I also had problems commenting on some blogs until I started using a different browser.

  2. You wrote this on ambien, didn't you? Addict.

  3. Absolutely not, I swear. I wanted it to have that ADHD/scatterbrained feel to it...but all of it going off on tangents and then neatly full circle again at the end.

    I kinda like it. :) I exercised my brain muscle.

  4. Buttering my waffle - bwahahahah!

  5. Nice one. Scattered but consistent, if that makes sense, which it might, but then again sometimes you can say just about anything and it will feel like it makes sense even if it doesn't, which is something politicians and educators count on and is also the reason we, as a well-informed public, should maintain a constant vigilance on -- did you say waffles?

  6. Awesome! From waffles to cheek implants - who knew?!?!

  7. Okay, I'm convinced. You're scatterbrained.

  8. See, now I thought buttering my waffle was a euphemism for something entirely different. Well, not so different really. Actually, pretty similar. Okay, identical. What were we talking about again?

  9. Um......this is the Twilight Zone, right?

  10. Ha ha ha you are ALL OVER THE PLACE.... So funny and fun to read.... Wonderful take on scatterbrained!

  11. This was such a scatterbrained post, but quite interesting. I learned so many things! Loved how we started off waffles and ended up cheek implants and your surgeon's obit. Your brain is a scary and marvelous thing.

  12. Dammit...I forgot a word...a really small one, too. I forgot "a" which goes between "in" and "totally" in that second to last paragraph. I can never "edit" these things because it screws up all the spacing and then I have to take two hours to get them back right since I have to manually put in the HTML code. It's really, really annoying.

  13. I love your stream of consciousness style for today's post. That little white recorder looks like a nightmare to operate. And now I will never be able to butter my waffles again without thinking of masturbation. So thanks for that.

  14. Thanks. It wasn't as good as my Potato Farmers are the new Vampires/James Bond/vodka blog...which was really, really strangely all tied in...but I liked it. I do go off on tangents when I talk to people - but always manage (well not always) to get pack to my original point. :)

  15. Wow! You nailed the prompt! And I mean that in a good way!

  16. I'm still stuck on this movie. When's the release date?


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