A Bit About Me
- Mariann Simms
- Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".
04 August 2012
Challenging the Gold
01 May 2012
30 Days of Photographs II - Outtakes
30 April 2012
Day 30: The Devil
Pete: I've always wondered, what's the devil look like?
Ulysses Everett McGill: Well, there are all manner of lesser imps and demons, Pete, but the great Satan hisself is red and scaly with a bifurcated tail, and he carries a hay fork.
Tommy Johnson: Oh, no. No, sir. He's white, as white as Mariann's dolls, with empty eyes and a big hollow head.
Look for yourself if you don't believe me:
A little back story. Long ago when I was growing up, my mother had this little hard plastic doll which never had any clothes on. She would keep it in her bureau which had nine drawers...three rows of three. When I would go into her bedroom, usually only when I was mad in order to "un-pom-pom" one of the hundreds of tiny white pom-poms on her bedspread (always in an inconspicuous space - I thought), I would sneak a peek inside that middle top drawer...and "it" was always in there staring back at me. It creeped the hell out of me. This same scenario went on for more years than I remember. Then one day I was rummaging in the kitchen drawers and there "it" was!
Well, that sealed the deal there...I was never the same again. Years later, when I asked my mother about the doll, she believed it was from some U.S. effort to help support the Korean War. The doll did have short straight black hair...I don't think it was like real hair...it was like a plastic cap...the same material as the rest of the body.
I always thought there was a soul associated with that doll. It always gave me the same image in my little girl head as I was growing up. Someone died...someone's soul was trapped inside - and now it was "living" in a drawer in my house - apparently making the rounds from room to room. I have no clue what happened to that doll - but, to this day, from time to time I think of "her" and wonder where "she" ended up.
Now, I was a Barbie girl - I loved Barbie and I still do. But larger dolls...no way.
Just like the little shiny hard plastic Korean doll...the larger Victorian era dolls...scare me. They always have. I'm certain they always will.
My mother bought me those two dolls (above) from an antique store years ago. I could not touch them. Moving them tonite to take their photos...was, to anyone not aware of my "issue", an act of comedy I'm sure. The kids don't like them, either...but that didn't stop my son from turning the lights out when I was taking their photos and asking me why I put them in the hallway behind me. I also would not be left alone when I took the photographs...and when I was done, my daughter asked me to remove them from her room as quickly as possible.
My son speculated that I've never gotten rid of them because they are "going to know" and "revenge me somehow for getting rid of them" - and you know what? He's absolutely right. I can't do it. They will "get mad". You don't want to get dolls mad which are home to little demons. As long as the little demons stay inside the dolls...it's okay I guess. But you are never to get the devil dolls mad...that's when they will show their true faces: red and scaly...and with a bifurcated tail.
29 April 2012
Day 29: Lines
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| (The metronone serves no purpose in this shot - I took it away in subsequent shots but those didn't have him all peacock-shaded.) |
Please also check out the work of my fellow non-contestants...and don't forget to thank Ziva for coming up with this idea...
MikeWJ, Nicky and Mike, Mo, Meleah, John, aka nonamedufus, Bryan, aka Unfinished Person, Malisa, Nora, LaughingMom, Tanya, Elizabeth A., 00dozo, Cheryl, Kristen, Katherine, and, last -- but definitely not least, Ziva.
28 April 2012
Day 28: Outlier
Day 28 -- Outlier:
MikeWJ, Nicky and Mike, Mo, Meleah, John, aka nonamedufus, Bryan, aka Unfinished Person, Malisa, Nora, LaughingMom, Tanya, Elizabeth A., 00dozo, Cheryl, Kristen, Katherine, and, last -- but definitely not least, Ziva.
27 April 2012
Day 27: Nude
Day 27 -- Nude:
But I guess it's easier to walk around with your eyes totally open but your mind totally shut when you make the rules in this state.
Cheers!
26 April 2012
Day 26: My Toothbrush
Until then, please peruse the photography participants:
Day 26 -- My Toothbrush:
On that happy note...there you have it - and now you know why I've been so looking forward to photographing my toothbrush. :)
25 April 2012
Day 25: The Future
MikeWJ, Nicky and Mike, Mo, Meleah, John, aka nonamedufus, Bryan, aka Unfinished Person, Malisa, Nora, LaughingMom, Tanya, Elizabeth A., 00dozo, Cheryl, Kristen, Katherine, and, last -- but definitely not least, Ziva.
Day 25 -- The Future:
Now, the only other thing I thought about were those 1950s sci-fi films...and this flashlight-like thingy that I bought a couple years ago. Each time I look at it, it reminds me of "The War of the Words" (the original version -- don't even make go there...there is no remake...there's only the one). Specifically speaking, it reminds me of the all-seeing scary "eye on a stalk" alien drone which was in the movie. So, I did my best to set it up all nicely and took a few photos, hoping one would convey a nostalgic futuristic slant on things.
So, there you have it...my retro-futuristic flashlight. I think even HG Wells himself might like it -- especially if it were dark.
24 April 2012
Day 24: Crowd
There are also about fifty frogs crowded in there which all jump into the murky depths once they see anything approaching. There's probably also about a zillion frog eggs in there by now, too...and those water boatmen...you can bet there's a whole crowd of those things in there just waiting to shear off your skin if you are stupid enough to pick one up and put it in your hand because it "swims cute".
The leaves and pinestraw go without saying...you can definitely see there's enough crowded in there to make a fine smelly paste of waste debris. Ahhh...take a deep breath...nothing smells like Spring like the bottom of a vase of flowers left too long in the water; magnify that intense pervasive "perfume" and you might get a partial idea of what must be decomposting their little body parts away, en masse, to ensure a place in that last foot of precious water. And right about tomorrow...the mosquito larvae will decide to take up residence (if they haven't already)...and speaking of crowds...there'll be millions of their little wiggly selves pushing thru the waterworld to enter the airy world...and nothing can dispel a human crowd so quickly as a whole swarm of hungry mosquitoes in search of that first blood feed.
Yep...just to look at that photo and think there's nothing in there...is pretty ludicrous. By square inch, it has more useable real estate than any one of Donald Trump's properties...and many, many, many more squatters.
23 April 2012
Day 23: Fish Tales
So, one day, if you want good luck to follow you home...do as I...and Tim Burton did...and head on over to Wetumpka, Alabama, where they filmed a goodly portion of that "Big Fish" movie. And while it is a big fish tale in one way, in a whole other way...it ain't.
22 April 2012
Day 22: Portrait
I had a great idea of taking a photo of a photo of the King of Belgium which was given to my grandfather by the King himself (apparently they knew each other) but my daughter made the determination that a portrait is more of a close up facial thing...and good old Albert or Leopold or whoever it was sitting at his desk from 20 paces away wasn't going to constitute portraiture. I still debated this in my head back and forth as I thought it would be kinda nifty.
The only other option I really had was a charcoal pencil drawing of my grandmother whom I was always told I resembled (but I didn't want to do the split face thing again)...so that's the one I went with. But first off, please check with these fine people to visit their even finer blogs...with handsome photographs you will undoubtedly automatically be smitten with...then check mine out after the list:
I then spent the next couple hours rummaging thru many old photos and paperwork written in Flemish to try to determine various other information. It was, to me, fascinating. I've tried going on those geneology sites before - but all leads to Belgium never seem to pan out to anything. Yes, if you had American relatives, no problem; ones from Belgium and Czechoslovakia...good luck. If you know how to delve into those records...please, if you wouldn't mind, clue me in...I've never had anything of value pop up. I am sure I could possibly contact my relatives in Belgium...but I'm not sure if any of my mother's siblings are even still alive. Unfortunately, death has a way of rendering you permanently silent. It would be great to get more information firsthand...maybe one day.
Anyway, I enjoyed my time-travelling very much thanks to Ziva's little non-contest here. :)
21 April 2012
Day 21: Moon
I wanted to show the moon against a background of antiquated ugliness...i.e., the power lines that stretch across what would otherwise be a really nice view of the moon. Sure, I could move a foot or two over and the lines wouldn't be in the photo - but then again I wouldn't be able to show how friggen ugly my obstructed view of the sky was.
But, before I get any further along in my story and max out my 250 word limit (ssssh...I only count the stuff BELOW the photo in my word count)...go on over to these "30 Days of Photography II" participants and see what they came up with for todays theme (ugh...because Blogger.com screwed up formatting today and auto-upgraded me...I cannot get the "auto-linker" to link without doing them all manually again, and honestly, I'm still sick...so, please go here to see a list/link to each person: Ziva's Inferno
Day 21: Moon...
I think there is a moon in the photo - and because I took it totally by accident, I thought it would be nifty to post it up. I didn't crop the photo or anything - because I wanted the moon to be shown in my "totally by accident" shot. You know, kind of like how they managed to get a man up on the moon...totally by accident (or, for people who totally disbelieve the whole "moon-landing" thing because I saw the space capsule they used in one of their early moon missions at NASA's Space Camp in Huntsville...and there's no way in hell -- other than in a MacGyver episode, that seven rolls of tin foil, a radio from a 1968 VW, and an Erector Set missing some key pieces -- made it all the way to the moon and back).
20 April 2012
Day 20: Bird
Well, since Monday, mine have taken a sinister turn in a way...mine are all versions of the theme...but the theme as it plays out when you have a flu. Today's photo was no exception.
First off, please go 'round to all the other participants of the non-contest and see what they've come up with as I'm sure you'll be inspired much more than if you only looked here. Their names and links are: MikeWJ, Nicky and Mike, Mo, Meleah, John, aka nonamedufus, Bryan, aka Unfinished Person, Malisa, Nora, LaughingMom, Tanya, Elizabeth A., 00dozo, Cheryl, Kristen, Katherine, and, last -- but definitely not least, Ziva.
Day 20: Bird

This is my Alessi tea kettle I've had for at least 25 years...it sports a little bird whistle made out out of moulded plastic or high-heat resin fibers or who knows what it is...but it whistles when the kettle boils. I've been using the tea kettle a lot lately as I'm sick.
Truth be told, my son did not appreciate the angle and the staging of the kettle in my photographs and took a couple of his own. He was right. They were better. I never claimed to be artistic...he was always the artistic one. So, in a way, I believe he deserves credit here and all I deserve is the fact that I came up with the kettle/bird whistle idea. So, if I have to be moved down to the bottom of the pile...go ahead and do so -- as I already feel low enough with my sickness.
I was going to "capture a whole other bird" - but my children told me it was too juvenile to do...so I didn't...but it did indeed capture how I felt about feeling sick, that's for sure.


















