Five Tips for Approaching Men in Real Life -- My Version

So, I'm sitting here minding my own business on Facebook a few minutes ago...when this story popped up on my Facefeed...so, naturally, I decided to make fun of it.  I don't know how things like this get published and I certainly hope they got paid what I thought it was worth to write it. Seriously...people get actual real money for this drivel?  I also hope you enjoy it somewhat...and, yes, feel free to share it.  Share it on Reddit and Twitter and hashtag sites and MomMe and every other damn website that could possibly start paying me to write content for them.  Whatever that Grumpy Cat person did?  Do that.  Do that a lot for me.  Yes, I'm dead serious. 

I think you have to read their article first and then mine for it to make any real sense...so...just skip down first and then scroll back up when you've read it and then read mine.  This was written by Lisa Copeland...who, I'm thinking, is a self-professed "Dating Coach for Women Over 50".  Yes, it actually says that in the blog...so I'm giving her full credit for it.

Okay, let me get this straight here...but...let me straighten you out here...these are my five "new and improved" tips for approaching men in real life...

Make eye contact with him for a full five seconds. Hold his face steady for all five of the seconds...and employ one or both hands to do so.

I have to ask him a question...such as..."Hey, there are 17 other empty chairs in this Starbucks - at six other tables...but, I like this one the best because the sun is in my vernal biological equinox...do you mind if I sit here and stare at you a while?" Or, perhaps..."I'm thinking of getting a blue Mercedes likes yours parked outside...would you recommend it? Oh, you're not the guy with the blue Mercedes? Okay...um...well...um...the Earth's orbital rotation just shifted a bit...I'm going to have to ask if that other guy over there's chair is taken...sorry."

Let him answer a question you have for him...such as, "Um...is that your blue Mercedes in the parking lot with the out of state plates? Are you interested in picking up someone from their house for dinner with you in your blue Mercedes with the out of state plates?"

Take a cue from an old "I Love Lucy" show - and shove as many chocolate bon-bons into your mouth as you can at one time...sorta like Lucy and Ethel did in the "Candy Making" episode. Trust me...I'm sure you'll get his attention with this one a LOT better than dropping some cheap cell phone you just picked up at the Dollar Store for the sole purpose of dropping and shattering in front of him.

Lastly...and I quote from her article and not mine: "His job is to ask you out if he's interested in you. If he's not, it doesn't mean he's personally rejecting you. He might be married, have a girlfriend or you might not be his type." Hmmmm...I'm thinking "...might not be his type" is possibly "dating tips for women over 50" code for "he's gay"...but, apparently they couldn't come right out and say that because...apparently we are still dropping handkerchiefs as fast as instilling old Victorian sexual mores on clichéd dating tips websites.


This was fun...maybe we can do it again some day.

5 Tips for Approaching Men in Real Life


Mariann Simms aka Mariann Eperjesi is a freelance writer who is currently writing whatever she can to get noticed by anyone who will employ her for doing so.  She can be found most nights totally perplexed by what she reads online...and can be found at her blog, "Blogged Down at the Moment".  She is the founder of the interactive comedy website, "HumorMeOnline.com" although it is currently off-line at the moment, but can be found if you use a search engine.  She is also the 2003 Grand Prize winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.



I also apologize for nicking a photo off the Internet. As soon as I get my stuff back in the house (a tree fell on my house the end of June and we aren't back in there yet)...I will start taking my own photos again.  If you are the owner of this photo and I have infringed on any copyright you may have on it and have an issue, please just inform me and I will remove it promptly.  Thank you.

Day 30: The Devil

This is the last day of our adventure into photography with Ziva and her friends.  I have had a lot of fun playing (altho I took it seriously) and I had a lot of respect for what each person managed to muddle thru each and every day.  Now, before I get mushy...please look at my fellow non-contestants...and don't forget to thank Ziva for coming up with this idea...

MikeWJ, Nicky and Mike, Mo, Meleah, John, aka nonamedufus, Bryan, aka Unfinished Person, Malisa, Nora, LaughingMom, Tanya, Elizabeth A., 00dozo, Cheryl, Kristen, Katherine, and, last -- but definitely not least, Ziva.

Day 30 --  The Devil:

Allow me to quote a couple lines from one of my favourite films:

Pete: I've always wondered, what's the devil look like?


Ulysses Everett McGill: Well, there are all manner of lesser imps and demons, Pete, but the great Satan hisself is red and scaly with a bifurcated tail, and he carries a hay fork.


Tommy Johnson: Oh, no. No, sir. He's white, as white as Mariann's dolls, with empty eyes and a big hollow head.

Okay, I took a little liberty with that last line up there from "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" But I only did it to prove a point.

Look for yourself if you don't believe me:

Notice the white area around the one doll on the left with the wonky eye.  I took about three sets of six or seven photos each (damn camera battery)...and that was the only photo which showed that little whispy emanation...all the others were clear as a bell.  Yes, be afraid...be very afraid.

 

A little back story. Long ago when I was growing up, my mother had this little hard plastic doll which never had any clothes on. She would keep it in her bureau which had nine drawers...three rows of three. When I would go into her bedroom, usually only when I was mad in order to "un-pom-pom" one of the hundreds of tiny white pom-poms on her bedspread (always in an inconspicuous space - I thought), I would sneak a peek inside that middle top drawer...and "it" was always in there staring back at me. It creeped the hell out of me. This same scenario went on for more years than I remember. Then one day I was rummaging in the kitchen drawers and there "it" was!

Well, that sealed the deal there...I was never the same again. Years later, when I asked my mother about the doll, she believed it was from some U.S. effort to help support the Korean War. The doll did have short straight black hair...I don't think it was like real hair...it was like a plastic cap...the same material as the rest of the body.

I always thought there was a soul associated with that doll. It always gave me the same image in my little girl head as I was growing up. Someone died...someone's soul was trapped inside - and now it was "living" in a drawer in my house - apparently making the rounds from room to room.  I have no clue what happened to that doll - but, to this day, from time to time I think of "her" and wonder where "she" ended up.

Now, I was a Barbie girl - I loved Barbie and I still do. But larger dolls...no way.

Just like the little shiny hard plastic Korean doll...the larger Victorian era dolls...scare me. They always have. I'm certain they always will.

My mother bought me those two dolls (above) from an antique store years ago. I could not touch them. Moving them tonite to take their photos...was, to anyone not aware of my "issue", an act of comedy I'm sure. The kids don't like them, either...but that didn't stop my son from turning the lights out when I was taking their photos and asking me why I put them in the hallway behind me. I also would not be left alone when I took the photographs...and when I was done, my daughter asked me to remove them from her room as quickly as possible.

My son speculated that I've never gotten rid of them because they are "going to know" and "revenge me somehow for getting rid of them" - and you know what? He's absolutely right. I can't do it. They will "get mad". You don't want to get dolls mad which are home to little demons. As long as the little demons stay inside the dolls...it's okay I guess. But you are never to get the devil dolls mad...that's when they will show their true faces: red and scaly...and with a bifurcated tail.

 

(Lastly, I had such a blast doing this for the past 30 days...and I want to thank each and every one of you...especially Ziva and Mike...for inviting me to participate.  Thank you all...so much.)