A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

24 February 2013

Simply Absurd

Today's prompt over at "We Work for Cheese" is "Absurd". And while I could go on and on about a story about my butt (for the umpteenth time) - I will spare you, and go straight to just things I find absurd. I'm not really deep thinking here and I'm right smack into the newest episode of "Ripper Street" which I think is the exact same premise as "Copper" only with a different set of actors, which, in itself is kind of absurd...but I'll throw in a few things that I find absurd.

Thirty-three things I find absurd...in no specific order...other than numerical. I decided a nice "round" number like 33 would be good so you would have to know how far to scroll down to in order to comment. :)

1. How nobody batted an eye (other than Jeannie on "I Dream of Jeannie" and that was on another network) or did a double-take at all when they switched the Darrin character on "Bewitched".

2. How dumbass things like the girl burning her hair with a curling iron manages to go viral on the Internet.

3. How dumbass I was for falling victim to clicking to watch the dumbass video of the girl burning her hair with the curling iron on the Internet.

4. How reporters on the Internet can get a job, yet I can't get one to save my life.

5. Why anyone abbreviates the would "you" -- it's only TWO MORE LETTERS, people!

6. Why anyone would take that psoriasis medicine they advertise on television considering it might give you seven different types of cancer, anal leakage (which may or may not be severe), liver failure and mild to moderate death.

7. Why people ask you how you are doing while you are on the elevator at the hospital either going to or leaving a doctor's office. Like how the hell do you think I'm doing...I'm IN the friggen hospital either going to or leaving a doctor's office! Dumbass.

8. Why someone would get inside of a laundry basket and slide down an overpass hill on a make-shift sled, literally inches away from traffic usually going over 55 mph (when it wasn't crawling at a snail's pace because of the weather) when it snowed a whopping two inches in Birmingham, Alabama a few weeks ago...considering they aren't at all familiar with snow at all as it rarely does in this area...and also the facts: 1) Snow is slippery when wet; 2) there is no ledge or berm-type structure separating you from getting run over by a car after you pummel over the railing head-first; and, 3) laundry baskets are not equipped with brakes.

9. Atheists saying "OMG!"

10. How I manage to write better when my brain is really whacked out on Ambien.

11. How people cannot readily calculate 20% of a number...yet have no difficulty calculating 10%.

12. Why any woman would want a guy who is really endowed. Seriously...hey, I saw a guy once who was really...um...built that way. No way would I touch that with a ten foot pole. Not that I could really...as, seriously...whoa boy. No way, ya know?

14. Why people who jump all over someone on the Internet for not spelling things correctly usually have a typo in their comment.

15. Why we had to put our ugliest presidents and other political figures on our American money. Why couldn't we have picked the better looking ones?

16. Why anyone still uses that "shaky camera technique" -- and just what are the requirements on that job applications?

17. Why anyone would want to be a proctologist. (Sorry...had to throw a butt one in there someplace.)

18. Why anyone would want a television service that allows you to record five shows at once. I can't even find one good one to watch at any given time. Five??

19. People who feel compelled to use two question marks in a row...as if it somehow makes it funnier that way.

20. Why the guy who head butts anyone on film never gets hurt, too.

21. Infomercials.

22. People on Facebook who get annoyed at me because I'm not eating meat during Lent on Fridays...like it's inconveniencing them somehow.

23. How Spiderman managed to swing from place to place in the old cartoon, yet none of the buildings were higher than he was.

24. Doors that open inwards in public rest rooms.

25. People who tell you "Don't mind the mess" when the most you can see that is remotely "messy" in their house are those two magazines on an end table.

26. Why people would think four faces carved into a mountainside is prettier to look at than the way the mountain was before they started carving it.

27. People who tell me that all red wine tastes the same.

28. People who tell me that all bottled water tastes the same.

29. People who make fun of people for being "ugly" - as if they played any part in how they were born.

30. People who pronounce "absurd" - "abzerd".

31. Everyone complaining at how music sucks nowadays yet it keeps on getting worse.

32. Everyone complaining at how bad all those reality shows are and how they never watch any...yet the networks keep making more.

33. How some of you are still with me after this many absurd comments...and those of you who did or did not notice that the number 13 comment wasn't there.

Ta-da!  All done.  And aren't you glad?  Oh shuddup...some were true and you know it.


  1. I'm so with you on #27, Mariann!

  2. Yes, yes, yes to 4, 11, 28.

    Especially 4.

    And really especially 28. I hate when people ask me why I get this brand or that brand because it tastes the same. No. It. Doesn't.

  3. I agree on #27, too. Red is a color not a flavor and all reds aren't the same shade. Then there's dry and sweet. I could go on...

  4. "People who feel compelled to use two question marks in a row...as if it somehow makes it funnier that way."

    Wait.... its not??

  5. Why of course it is...but it's still absurd. :)

  6. I absolutely love complaint lists. They're really fun to write, and they're also really fun to read. Sometimes all it takes is a little kvetching to recharge your batteries. Funny stuff, Mariann. I think I agree with you on everything except proctologists. I mean really, *somebody* needs to do the job, right?

    1. I probably should have chopped it down to 20 as I originally wanted to do - but so many more things were annoying me at the time.