A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

04 February 2013

The Melty Man

You think you know someone. I mean, you talk to people and you get to know them a little; they open up, they tell you some stuff they ordinarily wouldn't tell their friends and family in person, but since you are on the Internet, there's no harm done, they never have to meet you. You typically share some really personal stuff you just wouldn't -- with people you'll never ever have to face in life. Am I right?

Well, I thought so, too.

It all started a few years back. My friend Chris, whom I've never met, who used to play my online comedy website, www.HumorMeOnline.com (which I never update anymore as I spend all my time obsessing about my health and pitying myself) "introduced" me to Mike. Mike, you may know, goes by a few names: MikeWJ, Michael Whiteman-Jones..."Too Many Mornings" Mike -- you know, that Mike.

Well, I thought we had struck up a friendship...he'd comment on my blogs and say nice things and I'd say nice things to him sometimes and we were all getting along fine and dandy (him posting photos of himself in different hats and all) when, out of the blue, I find out he's been battling some sort of affliction.

The obvious one comes to mind: alcohol. Yeah, who among here us doesn't like to swill back a few in the mornings, right?

Well, it wasn't that...so, naturally, the next obvious one, considering he takes photographs a lot...is that he is into some kind of porn. Maybe something to do with fruits or vegetables...something really weird...maybe with some shoe heels involved. After all, he did say he could spot a pair of Louboutins from a few feet away (pun intended) in that one blog he wrote about Washington, DC, which I think I'm STILL reading, by the way, as it was THAT long of a blog.

But, nope. Still totally off the mark.

So, I find out today...his face fell off.

Yeah...I know. THAT kind of thing, you'd think someone who calls themselves a "friend"...would mention. I've gone on and on to him about my sleeping problems, my issues with my thyroid, my lung, my toe, my pathetic boobs, my butt, etc., and you'd be darned tooting right if you guessed that IF I would have had an issue with my face sliding right off, I probably would have mentioned it.

Now, I know he posted a few photos of himself recently - but they show no signs of slippage. I'm sure he has Photoshop, and anyone with any type of artistic background could easily manipulate their face and tweak it here and there right back to where it used to be. But, I'm figuring they weren't even recent pictures. Hell, that might not even BE what he looks like. Could just be that "Mike" has some bizarre obsession with some guy with a beard whom he pays twenty bucks a pop to - to pose for some artsy "black and white" jobbers.

I, for one, am gobsmacked. I'm literally speechless...and anyone who knows me, knows damned well that doesn't happen very often, if ever.

Sure, he's probably speechless, too...but that's just because he can't pronounce words anymore because he...HAS NO LIPS...because his face fell off -- and I had to go and find out like most everyone else did -- not like a friend would: I had to friggen find out by reading it on the Internet!

But, I guess that's only poetic justice...or irony...because, after all, we did "meet" on the Internet. Two faceless people brought together by a force invisible...only much more tragic and prophetic than I ever, ever envisioned.

(Who the hell is Mike? Well, my "friend" -- you'll find out here: Mike)
This blog was written and inspired by Mike...who is a damned good writer and I'm jealous, but in a good way (if there is such a thing)...and we were both initially inspired by the "We Work for Cheese" non-contest contest...whose prompt today was "Friendship".


  1. I sympathise with your ponderings, Mariann; I am a miracle of photoshop myself.

  2. Funny how Peter Gabriel looks an awful lot like MWJ. It's somewhat of an improvement, don't you think?

  3. You know, Dufus, I was debating..."Do I put the photo of Peter Gabriel with or without the proper (and original) photograph/album cover?" As you undoubtedly know, the photo is of his album cover, which showed his name in the corner.

    I thought to myself, "Self...it would be more resembling Mike to leave it off." You know, if someone could imagine Mike and Peter looking similar...and melting...and in black and white. So I went with that. Plus, I'd figure people would be all "Huh? Peter Gabriel??"

    I am glad you thought it, too. I didn't want to be the only Dufus. ;)

  4. Dammit - I knew it - I knew I'd find a grammatical error. I won't post it up - I won't change it. I won't have to realign everything if I don't change it. Oh, help me...I'm so anal...I have to change it eventually.

    No, no - I'll just take my Ambien and take my chances. Oh, it's staring at me...it's like a sore thumb. Ugh. I tried so hard to make sure - but there it is.

    Tomorrow - tomorrow I won't be silly. I'll write a very thought-out and motivational post...and it won't have errors. I feel like such a dork - writing all silly things while everyone is being all so good at writing stuff that makes you think (or me think - as I don't know if you people are thinking things when you read them or not).

    But for now - I'll learn to live with the error of my ways.

    1. ^Naw, I'm still here in California, and you don't live with me! paracletus3 sayin "HI!"

  5. and why wasn't a pic included???? :)

    1. I didn't leave a photo - because I'm not sure who Mike is. I think he might be that Internet Grumpy Cat. You never know.

  6. Well, I was going to mention my facial problem, but then I thought, "Hell, what's the Internet for if you can't pretend to be somebody you're not?" Which is why I've also failed to mention that none of my pictures are me. I borrowed them from a friend. In reality, I look like a cross between Bradley Cooper and Johnny Depp, but I don't like to boast about it so I use the other guy's face.

    Oh, and I'm rich, too.

    By the way, I'm struggling to remember anything you've told me about your boobs or your butt. Normally, I have a very good memory for that sort of thing. A pornographic memory, you might say.

    1. Well, you didn't. But, see? It hurts doesn't it? Now you can relate to how I felt. ;)

  7. I couldn't believe MWJ's face fell off either!!

    1. Well, I hope they are able to sew it back on...but inside out...to teach him a lesson.

  8. Mike doesn't care if your face falls off... so long as you still have the boobs and butt. I hate it when bloggers don't share what they look like... I find it hard to relate to faceless friends. Then again... Mike gives a whole new meaning to faceless friends.

    1. I have friends I've "known" for over 20 years and I have no clue what they look like. You form a mental image of what a person looks like, so maybe I really don't want to know for certain.

  9. On the bright side, Mike probably isn't the first person to keep secrets on the Internet. ;)

  10. Perhaps a telethon to raise awareness for facial splats.

  11. I thought the melty man was the inadequate monster who stops erections. Ask Steven Moffat.

  12. You never really know who anyone is on the Internet, it's true. Why, MikeWJ could actually be a grumpy old man just pretending to be a... oh, wait. Never mind.

  13. When I first heard that Mike's face fell off, I though they were talking about me. Thankfully, it's him.

  14. And, check the "credits" I posted, Mr. Anonymous...I gave Moffat the nod on this one. :)

  15. Mike seems like a pretty swell guy from what I can tell. His blog is pretty entertaining. I do find it disconcerting that his face has fallen off. I wonder if he has plans to walk around in a permanently affixed mask or something.

    Also, I see you've tagged "Coupling" and "Moffat". I should have known. The mere mention of the phrase "Melty Man" brings to mind the terrible affliction of male impotence. I hope you're not suggesting that Mike is also contending with that problem. A fallen-off face is bad enough.

  16. You never know...it's not like he'd TELL ME. ;)

    Very astute of you for getting the "Melty Man" reference. :)

  17. HOLY CRAP....did you see what I wrote too?!!? :)

  18. No! Going off to look now. I thought I read them all. I probably read yours when I was Ambien'd out and forgot!

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