A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

06 February 2013

I Put My Heart Into This One...I Really Did

Well, I was going to write some heartwarming story about Beach Haven in New Jersey and Hurricane Sandy and how I used to go there...and how much destruction they have suffered. It was going to be sad...and with me lamenting my youth and it was going to have some inspirational tie-in somehow...but I haven't felt well all day and just a little while ago (when I finally got up at 6:00 p.m.), I thought I was having some heart attack or something.

I have a wonky heart and it's scary...coupled with the fact it was beating about 5000 miles per hour and I was sweaty...plus I also had a wicked headache - I just sorta imploded. I darted in out of extremely messy rooms trying to find my blood pressure machine to calm me down a bit -- it always seems worse than it is, at least that's how I've had it so far. Absolutely no safe haven in the storm that is my mind when I'm going into panic mode.

Then I took a heart pill, which I think is a blood pressure kind of pill, and it slows my heart down...and I drank one of those "old people" Ensure shakes - and I feel a lot better. Perhaps it was a blood sugar issue - I keep telling them I have blood sugar issues, but they tell me I don't. Well, THEY don't ever take my blood sugar when I wake up after lying there for hours trying to sleep, but failing miserably.

I was also going to make a wickedly naughty post about something being "clean s-haven"...but, I didn't. But you can bet your ass it was going to be rollickingly hilarious and you would have spat milk out of your nose...even if you hadn't drank milk in ages. Seriously, it was going to be THAT friggen brilliantly done.

But I didn't.

I decided to calm down, breathe, sing old movie songs, and load the dishwasher instead.

"H aven, I'm in h aven...and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak..."

...damn, my wonky "e" on the keyboard must be sticking again.

At least my heart seems to be beating right and I can speak again...


(This is Day 6 of Nicky and Mike's "30 Minus 2 Days of Writing" non-contest contest over at "We Work For Cheese".  Today's prompt was "Haven".  Please check out the other blogs over there...but ignore all the ones on the list which were posted before mine.  Yes...do that.  ;)  That would be a good thing to do.)



  1. AH HA HA HA HA !!!! I am DYING!

    "clean s-haven"

    That was the best one of ALL posts today!

  2. Thank you, Katherine...my one and only visitor. :)

  3. "Seriously, it was going to be THAT friggen brilliantly done. But I didn't." This speaks volumes to me. I feel this way a lot about blog entries that I end up not writing. I usually quit due to laziness or writer's block, but there's something inside me that knows the entry could be brilliant if I would only find the motivation to spit out my words.

    Also, I love "Cheek to Cheek".

    Finally, I hope you feel better soon. Come back when you're good and rested, and I'm sure you'll be wowing us and forcing milk out of our nostrils again.

  4. Two visitors! I had two visitors! I'm trying for first place today - altho my blog for texting really sucks. I feel like linking all my much better blogs on it. ;)

  5. I prefer Boost over Ensure, as if I'm an old person gourmand, right? Anyway I find it's easier on the nasal cavity when you splurt it out your nose.

  6. I did make third place today! Woohooo! Tomorrow I am trying for first. :)

  7. I looked - the dark chocolate Ensure is pretty good...but it makes your poop turn nearly black. Scared the hell out of me the first time I drank it. Just like the grape Gatorade will make your poop green for some reason.

    Yes...I look at my poo.

  8. I'm glad you're okay, Mariann, that sounds really scary! Don't worry about the post, I'll pretend to be reading your brilliantly funny clean s-haven post instead and spit some milk out of my nose. ;)

  9. Thank you, Ziva. :) Goat, soy, chocolate...it all still counts.

  10. Well now, Mariann... I don't want you to think I was ignoring you... I was just off hibernating. So glad I woke up to this marvelous story. It got my heart racing! Now, where is my heart medicine?