A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

05 February 2013

Caterwaulking the Halls

This is "Day 5" of the "We Work For Cheese" website's non-contest contest for February...today's prompt is "You better put out".  Please check out the other blogs while you are there as we are all slowly losing our minds trying to fulfill this mission we undertook.

Yes, this could have gotten a lot more sexual with that prompt that should have prompted me to go that way...but it's late and people only read the first eight posts anyway, so I'm going to talk about my cats. Everyone likes a cat story, right?

Right.  Here goes...

We have a couple chatty cats...we're talking cats that walk around meowing something the entire day. I don't know what they're saying, but they are pretty damned determined to get their point across. In fact, I think they're probably wondering, since we're the ones with the opposable thumbs, that we should be the ones who should know what they want, yet we walk around asking them, "What do you want?" -- like they're supposed to just break out in human-speak any second.

Yes, humans are a stupid race.

Well, don't believe everything you've read about cats sleeping 23 hours a day and only being nocturnal. Since we (my son and I) are up at nite and asleep during the day - we know they are up at all hours...and talking. And, cats, especially chatty ones, will wait until you are three minutes into a full sleep and then walk up and down the hallway meowing up a storm.

And they don't shut up...seriously...they don't.

You figure to yourself, "They're going to get bored eventually and jump up on the cat tower and fall asleep...they are going to get bored and stop it any minute...they are going to get the hint and just go away...any second...any second now..."

But they don't. Cats are not only curious, but tenacious as well.

So, the routine around here before we crawl off to bed in the wee hours of the morning (when everyone else is getting up), goes something like this:

Son (to me): "Seriously, if they start meowing up and down the hallway, I'm going to throw them out. They can stay out there."

Me (to my son): "I can't toss them out...it's cold out there. They can't stay outside - they'll freeze...I'm keeping them in."

Son (back to me): "You better put out Pablo...all he does is cry...and he comes into my room and pees."

Me (back to son): "Then close your door."

Son (back to me): "I can't close my door...Binky won't be able to go out to use the litter box. I'm going to bed. Make sure you throw Pablo out."

Me (to son): "Well, I'm not tossing him out...it's too cold. He's sleeping in the cat thingy now anyway. I'm going to bed as soon as the Ambien kicks in."

(Segue to my son sleeping in his room with the door cracked a tad...and me attempting to doze off with a tube sock shoved in the door jamb as the cats can open it up otherwise. I have a couple cats that insist on purring for about an hour when they jump on the bed...and while purring is indeed a nice sound...purring at the decibel level of a small jet aircraft on take-off -- while you are trying to sleep, is not. So, my door is held tight by ugly ingenuity [not unlike my cat-proof faucet baggie fix] while I peacefully slumber.)

Pablo: "Meow...(pause)...meow.  Meooooowwww. Mrrrrrrrow...(pause)... rrrrrrrrr... rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrow. Mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrow...rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooow...meeeeeeeeeeeeeowwwww... (pause) ...rrrrrrrrrrroooooooow...mrrrrrrrrrrrrrrowwwww. Mrrrrrrrroooow.  Mew....mrrrrrrrrrrrow...mwowwwwww. Rrrrrrrewwwww...meowwwwww..."

Me and my son (to each other - three minutes after my Ambien kicks in...and an hour after my son has been sleeping): "Can you throw that damned cat out already??"

(Pablo...wanting to go outside before the mewfest later on tonite. Yes, those are scratch marks on the door frame.  Lovely, aren't they?  They lend an air of rustic ambiance to the room, don't you think?)


  1. I'm reading your post! I also have an unhealthy love of cats, so this entry is right up my alley. I live with two cats. One of them is very chatty. For the most part, I find his whining endearing. My fiance, on the other hand, is always telling him to shut up.

    "How can you you call yourself a loving pet owner when you hate cats so much?" I often ask her.

    She also tells me to shut up a lot.

  2. It can't be too cold... we get single digit temps here and my cat goes out. We get negative temps here and my cat goes out. And she always comes back. Unfortunately. :-)

  3. Hey Mariann! You know, I think they laze about all day, not sleeping, but daydreaming. Scheming of new ways to torment people overnight. And then they talk about it. The bedtime stroll and meow is "Okay, gather round, gather round! Come on, step lively, Mr. Jingles! Okay, did you all get the memo?" Indigo

  4. Oh my god, I know exactly what you mean! My cats never meow during the day, but every single night, just as I'm about to fall asleep, they start. And not only do they sound like someone's trying to murder them, they scratch at doors and windows and mirrors and knock things over. But only at night, and only when I'm just about to fall asleep. Satan must be a cat.