The DVD Conspiracy

I had a dilemma I faced a while back...if you've kept up with my blogs you're going to hear it again for the benefit of those of you who haven't. The story goes a little like this: I never watched The X-Files when they first came out...by the time I wanted to, too many people were gaga over it and it would seem like I was going along with them all...like I was just another donkey going around in circles turning that millstone. So, I bade my time hearing my friends say they had to be home by whatever time and day it came on so they didn't miss the next episode. One by one my buddy list on my computer would trickle down to just one or two...talk about "spooky".

Years passed...and what I thought was just a passing fancy didn't pass...in fact it attracted even more people to it...it was like a horrible accident...people just had to stop and look. One day I thought I'd find out what all this fervor was about...I tuned in to an episode. All I can say is that it must have been the "Jersey Devil" one...because there was just no intrigue. THIS is what's been captivating the public for years now? THIS? I turned it off never to turn it back on until the Sci-Fi channel had it on a couple years ago. "Eh...why not...I've already seen the "Megastructures" show on The History Channel...let me have a quick looksie." I wasn't going anywhere...I was now hooked...only the dilemma I spoke of earlier reared its ugly head. The imdb stated that it ran for nine seasons...I looked up the one I was watching and it was smack in the middle somewhere. But wait!...FOX is also running their shows...and so is that TBS channel! This is great! Or IS it? Oh...season five at midnite, season two at 1:00 a.m...and season eight at 2:00-5:00? I'll NEVER be able to figure it out this way...maybe I can just buy them all? No, not at $90.00 a seasonal pop. Then someone suggested Netflix to me...I checked and for a mere fraction of the cost I could have them delivered to me and I could play them when I wanted and I'd have the added bonus of being able to watch the show for the first time without any influence of anyone saying I "have to watch"...and now I could be the one to disappear mysteriously off buddy lists. Payback time...and all for the low price of $17.99 a month for 3 dvd's out at any one time...most delivered to you the following day. Or so they claim...

So...I fill out all the little online forms and I'm going to get my three dvd's in the mail the next day! And lo and behold they come...The X-Files - Season 1 - disc 1, 2 and 3. This rules! I send them back...in the prepaid envelope they enclose (clever design by the way) to my "Nearest Netflix Shipping Facility" - in my case this means Birmingham, Alabama. By my calculations...given the fact that I could watch at least one of these 4-show dvd's in one night...and return it the next day...I could be finished viewing all 69 dvd's in...uh...well...did I mention the return envelopes were designed really niftily?

Now, please keep in mind these shows have a reason for the way they were released...one episode after the other...as they follow a plot and timeline (or at least 85% of their shows do)...so the one thing that you don't want to do...is watch them out of order. So, what's the first problem with Netflix that I encounter? They said they shipped the next disc, let's call it "disc 4" for the sake of easy identification purposes...to be due to me on Tuesday...and then I return disc 2 on Monday...which supposedly will allow the next disc on my list, disc 5 to be sent when they receive disc 2. I wait. Tuesday comes and goes...no disc 4...Wednesday...no disc 4...now I send out disc 3...and what comes in the mail? You got it...disc 5 on Thursday. Sill no sign of disc 4 by Friday and it's been sent out prior (supposedly) to disc 5. Netflix offices don't mail anything out on weekends...I am at a stalemate...I have the whole weekend and with no disc 4 to watch, I am not going to jump the gun and watch disc 5 out of order. Hmmm...a mail problem or done on purpose? I am from Jersey...we're skeptical there...so naturally I opt for the "on purpose" reason.

The following week disc 4 shows up...but this already has put a delay in the whole "watch a disc...send it back...we send the next one to you the next business day" process. But, perhaps it is an isolated event...I will go against my better judgment and give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, they couldn't do this to everyone all the time and get away with it, right? Things start going again smoothly...for a little while...and then a disc I've returned to them goes missing. Then one they've sent to me does. By this time I'm figuring they are doing this on purpose...sure, it's one silly disc to me...but you multiply that by a million discs running around there across the country and X amount of customers...that's a whole lot of delay that adds up. Adds up nicely in their favour. So, I get on my "bud list" and query some people..."Do you have Netflix? You do? Has THIS ever happened to you?" The response I get is overwhelming...anywhere from missing discs to "at least one wrong disc appearing a month". Oh sure, they are nice about "rectifying" the situation...they send you out a replacement one...the correct one they should have sent all along - but they don't take in account the time delay. One time I had a broken disc sent to me - it was a clearly done from their end...the envelope was pristine...the disc wasn't. It's reminds me of that old joke about the guy who buys a broken vase very cheaply for a friend...thinking his friend will assume it was broken in the mail...so he tells the merchant he'll take it anyway and here's the address to send it to. His friend calls a few days later and tells him about the broken vase. "Oh, my...that's awful...can't trust the mail, can you?" His friend agrees that is indeed so true...but it was very nice of them to wrap each broken piece individually. Busted! The vase AND him. Same here with the broken dvd...no way I'm going to believe there was not the slightest indentation, the slightest bit of tear or wrinkle on the envelope - but the dvd inside is nearly cleaved in two.

So...even with claims of "throttling" going on and a class-action lawsuit, Netflix continues to maintain their innocence...even tho they did agree to "settle" by "upping everyone to the next level for a month". Wow...let's see...so instead of getting my typical 3 dvd's late a month...I'll get 5?? Wow! What a great deal, guys!

My "Tag" Line

I've been tasked to drive my son around since he was rear-ended a few weeks ago and his car is now history...something that has good and bad points. Bad being I have to drive my son around since his car is now history; good being that it gives me the opportunity to talk to him some more...my captive audience, so to speak. That has nothing to do really with this blog...but it was actually the impetus behind it...I was actually behind it when I said "enough is enough in this town...I'm going to write a blog about it...I have the power...I have the three people who read this...I owe it to all of mankind". Well, I didn't exactly say all of that...which part I said is what they commonly refer to in the "business" as "a trade secret". That fact that I'm not actually "in" the business is of no consequence to this story...sometimes I just like to whine about it all...and technically YOU are my captive audience at this moment.

I used to live in Jersey (that's New Jersey to those of you who aren't FROM there) until I was 26...I grew up driving in Jersey...and Pennsylvania once in a while. I can honestly say that in my "driving" years there I don't ever recall seeing anyone without a license tag (of which we had both front and back plates)...even the "Temporary Tags" were very few and far between. We also had state Motor Vehicle Inspections once a year...there's nothing more comforting than waiting in a line halfway to the shore only to fail your inspection...which meant you had 30 days to come back...wait in line all over again...and hopefully not fail...again. Now I'm not at all insinuating that Jersey was so much better than anywhere...sure there were morons who had their mufflers strapped onto the underside of their cars with a length of rope...I had witnessed people having to push their cars out of the inspection line due to various reasons...and I heard stories of people knocking their driver's side window out because as long as you didn't have one...you wouldn't get cited for not being able to roll it down and back up again. For the benefit of those of you who don't know...Alabama has no yearly vehicle inspection...their inspection consists of someone coming out of the Motor Vehicle Bureau when you first get tags for your car...and visually verifying it's the vehicle...and that the windshield wipers and horn works. A godsend really if you've grown up in Jersey...and failed as many inspections as I have.

But the thing I cannot understand in this town is how so many people...and I saw it again today driving to the mall to pick up my son...in fact I made a concerted effort to look at each passing car after I jotted down the mental note to myself to use this idea as a blog...have no license plates on their vehicles. This fact apparently goes totally unnoticed to the Montgomery police...maybe it's okay to drive around without plates...I never looked it up, altho I would figure the purpose of HAVING plates to begin with would negate that idea totally. I do know that in Jersey they'd stop you in heartbeat (or at least they used to) if anything was amiss with your plates...and again we had a whopping two of them to keep up with. I was stopped once...well, three times actually...driving directly home...after someone had swiped my rear plate from a shopping mall...so I know they paid attention. How I wish they gave me the power to pull people over and fine them for this infraction...I would have made $301,260 for Montgomery County alone. This year alone...and it's only August.

I, as the mindful, watchful eye of license tags since my arrival to this state 15 years ago, like to think I was wholeheartedly instrumental in getting Alabama State University's tag changed to something that the human eye could read. I don't know how many of you remember, but their tag used to have gold letters/numbers with what looked to be black scratch marks superimposed over the whole tag. Even when you were 10 feet behind this plate you couldn't make out half the alpha-numerics...certainly speeding away at the scene of a crime you couldn't get even one. I took it upon myself to write Alabama's "license tag" bureau addressing this fact and they were nice enough to write me back stating that they were happy to hear from me and letters such as mine were the ammunition which was instrumental in their taking a more in-depth look into the matter which ultimately resulted in the plates being redesigned. Chalk one up for being able to actually help make a change in this world...even if it was only a tiny one.

I also feel compelled to point out a major design fault with most license plate holders...you know, the ones that have your college, a saying, etc., which "picture-frame" your tags...why is it that most seem to crop the "state" right off? I don't know how many of you have taken a look lately...and I think I've mentioned it before in an earlier blog...but I believe Alabama is the state with the most differently designed tags out there (also look at the "License Plate Information" link at the top...then to "Distinctive Plates" menu). A whole slew of tags in fact that you'd never be able to identify again at a crime scene. "What state was it, ma'am?" "Uh...I don't know...I think it had an apple or a spaceship on it...I'm pretty sure it was blue or green." Used to be, long ago...that you knew what a Jersey tag looked like, what a Pennsylvania tag looked like, etc. without having to second guess yourself. I can still spot those...and the very boring blue on white of Virginia (whose DMV site sports the fact you can now get 180 different specialized plates)...but Alabama?? I just saw one today I had never seen before and I make a habit of looking at plates...then to make it even more difficult, they had that "tinted window" convex license tag covering obscuring the whole plate. Again, good luck making a tag ID as they are speeding away from you.

I know that Alabama is a lot more trusting of people than we ever were in Jersey...where we are not only born a skeptic...but we also marry it with cynicism, but you can't tell me that crime doesn't happen in this state or town...Montgomery already has had 18 homicides alone this year; Birmingham, 60. Most I know probably weren't driving cars when they occurred...but you have to ask yourself who would drive a car without tags constantly...and why? I don't think asking for a little step up on the vigiliance of non-plated cars is too much to ask...in fact it just might be the first step in stopping Montgomery's 20th...or 21st...or...

Pride...Without Prejudice?

I am going to attempt to show an analogy...brace yourselves. I am a late owl...I might have mentioned this a few times before in my blogs. Now, if you've ever eaten very, very late (I do all the time)...and have been starving for hours, when you finally do eat...your ravenous appetite usually belies whatever you are eating and everything usually tastes remarkably delicious. In this same way, when you are up very, very late...everything gets funnier...I think the brain kicks it down a notch with the IQ points and you get a little drunk off the effect...if you've ever been drunk...things people say are funnier...unless you are male and in a bar...then apparently they tend to make you fight. But that part's not really part of the analogy...so you can disregard that. The point I'm FINALLY making is that, usually, when I'm up and it's late...things that aren't inherently funny...suddenly are fodder for all sorts of things. Just ask my son...we love to stay up, watch bad flicks and "MST3K" them. We are sheer comic geniuses. Trust me.

One would figure, given this adage, that anything I watch at 4:00 in the morning would be hilarious...or at least slightly amusing, right? Think again. I wasn't into putting on a Netflix DVD of MillenniuM (I am determined to watch every spin-off of The X-Files)...so I decided to flip thru the channels to see what was on. If you've ever been up at 4:00 in the morning...there's really not much choice other than infomercials and old films. I have absolutely no problem with old films...there just wasn't one on I wanted to catch...and I have an extreme aversion to infomercials. Not everyone with a fake British accent is an expert...altho they'd have you believing it's so. Ironic that I'd end up watching the BBC America channel, after that comment, but I did. I hit the guide and it showed "game show" for a program on titled "Without Prejudice?"...given the fact I've seen British game shows before...they are usually much fun indeed. So are the ones on the Spanish channel (complete with donkey and confetti)...and any Korean one I've seen...but that's neither here nor there...so I switched the channel to watch it.

The premise of this show, which ended up not really being a game show...but more like one of those reality shows where they vote people off...in fact this was precisely the case. They had a panel of five people and then they had six contestants...a female host presided over the whole affair. The object of the "game" was each one of the people would be voted off systematically until the final person was left to claim the prize of £20,000...roughly $40,000. How they did this all was the catch. I decided that they had indeed baited me enough and I was temporarily hooked.

How did they plan to crush each person's hopes and dreams, one by one? I'm glad I asked. They planned to do it by cunning...they planned to do it by methodic rationalization...they planned to do it basically based on looks alone.

First up they get each to tell a little about themselves...about 45 seconds of "impress the would-be dater who's watching this"-type of introduction. Then they had each member of the panel of judges explain who they wanted to shelve and why. One did indeed state that the bald-headed man she (a British transgender journalist named Sasha) was choosing to vote off was based solely on the fact that he wasn't "naturally" bald and had purposely shaved his head...and she believed that everyone who did this type of thing were of the "supremacist" mentality. Hmmm...and all the while I thought this gameshow was going to be about the contestant's prejudicial thoughts...boy was I wrong. The contestant with the most votes would be made to face the judges and tell a little more about himself and what they ultimately planned to do with the money, had they won it. This man, who looked to be in his early 40s, stated that he wanted to give a portion to his friend for some reason and had hoped to kick-start his lagging career as an offshore fisherman...possibly having enough left over to buy his own boat and make an honest living. The judges, especially Sasha, were utterly ashamed of what they did...hung their heads in desperation and shook them in total disapproval of their actions. They had just judged a person based on looks alone...even tho they had all heard that old adage..."never to judge a book by its cover".

Next up...a little more detail...cameras rolling on the individual contestants...their trying to win the panel over by sucrose-coating their growing up periods. One woman, named Geo, irked me from the start. Why? Solely based on my discriminatory hatred of her...but it was purely based on a very good principle...she was stating her father was some grand astrophysicist or something...and her mother held some other job that surely paid the bills...and she was always jet-hopping back and forth from their posh "north England" 10,000 idyllic farm to their lavish Miami Beach home. Then on top of it, her husband was an architect. Oh...she really needed the money, huh? C'mon...give it to someone who scrapes bottom from the get-go...give it to the deserving. You, my dear...aren't. So...if it were up to me...she would have been sent home packing...her Louis Vuitton luggage. I sat and waited...in mild anticipation (this show wasn't doing it for me...even given the late hour)...for them to draw the same conclusion as I did. And I was appalled! Sasha and the annoying git of a woman next to her (yes, I am going to toss out as many British words as I can think of)...the one with the multi-coloured spiked hair (I have spiked hair...I can talk) were on her side...they loved her! So...they voted someone else off. I forget which...the impression they forged in my brain...well, just wasn't very ironclad after all.

Work & Education: Well...lookie here...seems a few contestants have some issues..."I don't like kids...when I have to hold one, I'll do it for a while...but can't wait to give them back...I'm really selfish, really"...said one...to which the clean-cut young panelist remarked "she was very selfish and looked like an Oompa-Loompa" because, I figure, she was short and quite busty...and a tad overweight. Everyone let out a collective groan...in unison. But...he didn't mean it THAT way...or did he? Hmmm....prejudice again, huh? Next up: He's an accountant by day...a competitive body-builder by night! Well, Sasha is impressed...so are a couple others...but one or two think he's really self-centered...and how could he describe himself as "shy" in the earlier interview...he's only wearing a Speedo, for heaven's sake! Geo continues to annoy me...she needs to be voted off...NOW! My wish is about to get granted...I am doing well...I feel like I'm watching the Miss Universe Pageant...but as with that one...I know I'm just going to get disappointed at the end. I rather like the guy who has tried his hand at lots of jobs but keeps failing, the best...plus he likes to cook for his friends...fate has certainly dealt this man a raw deal. This poor guy needs a break...or at least his on-camera persona leads me to believe.

Now here's where they get creative...they have, unbeknownst to the remaining three, placed a hidden camera in a room where they are filling out some forms. Of course they are set up individually...with the same set up each time. A group of actors are also filling out forms, making small talk with the contestant, when in comes another actor who happens to be a dwarf...who states that he hopes to get in the final mix as he really needs the money. He then walks out...and the sting goes into full force...the actors crack some "short jokes"...remarking "do you think if he wins they'll only pay him half??" The "selfish" woman says a few things that aren't very glowing...the body-builder chuckles a bit but gets back to pen and paper straight away...but to my chagrin "my" favourite doesn't even wait for the joke to be made...in fact he hardly waits for the door to close...jumping at the opportunity to make short jokes and a belittling line of others based on a full five-second encounter. A five-second encounter, which was, by the way, very congenial...he even ta-ta'd the man with a good-luck wave. My hopeful candidate is quite obnoxious...when the cameras aren't rolling he sure shows his true self...and contrary to his outward appearance, it's not very pretty.

All are quite taken aback...they are aghast...how could ANYONE be so horrid...and most annoying...how could they have gotten THIS far beguiling me? They are all in contention this time around...this man is history...and let's hear what he has to say for himself once we march him out in front for all to see. He, true to his nature, defends his actions and is offended they would take offense. He mutters some "you'll get your comeuppance"-type of nonsense before he leaves the stage...everyone realizing that you can indeed be duped and charmed...and all in the span of one hour.

Showdown time...a face-to-face meeting of the last two standing...where the panelists get to ask some questions point-blank to the contestant and the contestant, in turn, gets to hypothetically vote one of the judging elite off. First up...the "selfish" lady who was likened by the one judge to an Oompa Loompa. Hey, what do you know...she's nice...she puts up a front because she doesn't want to show how vulnerable she really is. The panelist she'd axe is the woman who has remained the most quiet...and she justifies herself by stating it's "only because she was the least vocal" and as such was wondering what was really on her mind...whereas the others "you kinda knew what they were thinking already". Sounded quite plausible...and didn't deride her or any of the others. The body-builder makes his entrance...his quiet mannerism is an indication that he was indeed shy all along. He doesn't come across very well...isn't spontaneous like the previous woman...and refuses to "vote anyone off" as he doesn't want to "hurt anyone's feelings". The writing is on the wall...he just isn't as open as his rival...he's not as friendly...he's too introspective...so he must be hiding something...she wasn't...therefore she's more trustworthy...a fate, ironically, she just doled out to a panelist only minutes before is the same that ultimately doomed the man..."just too quiet."

Now comes the part where they tell each the news...and it's also time to confront each about what they would have used the money to buy. The accountant/body-builder guy? Well...apparently he really didn't leave much of an impression on me either...or he was indeed too quiet...I don't even remember what he planned to use his money for had he won. The "selfish"...or should I say "newly redeemed selfish" woman wanted to use it to pay some bills and for breast reduction. Upon hearing that, the judges simultaneously remember the mean-spirited words of the young male panelist...and smile little awkward smiles that the winner won't "get" until she watches the taping later. Will those comments bother her? Well...she did also "get" £20,000...you be the judge.

Write On

I've decided, for the short haul at least, to commandeer my son's laptop so I can go online instead of limping along with my daughter's dinosaur. I'm also determined to write more frequently...as I've been in a depressing little slump for a quite a while. Perhaps it will snap me out of it...and be cathartic. Not that I think it will...I just wanted to use the word "cathartic" in one of these blogs once. C'mon...it was a nice segue.

Will SOAP Clean Up?

Sometimes when you least expect it...a series of otherwise unrelated events seem to converge together to point to one single event...for the case of storytelling in this blog, it's SOAP. What is SOAP you ask? To answer that question for the three of you who are asking, it's an acronym for the title of a film due out that's been given more hype online than probably any other: Snakes on a Plane.

Now, I've read some material about Snakes on a Plane quite a while back...this movie stars Samuel L. Jackson as an FBI agent designated to accompany a mob witness en route from Hawaii to Los Angeles...where open waters are just conducive enough to provide the requisite hours-long fodder to take place. What fodder is that? Namely unleashing 400 deadly "snakes with a vengeance" upon totally unsuspecting passengers on an otherwise routine flight...for solely one purpose...to kill said witness. You know, that's a lot of trouble to go thru...and almost on par with those James Bond villains...who concoct some elaborate scheme straight out of the mind of Rube Goldberg...just to kill one single individual.

Now, if I didn't know better, I'd say that the studio execs are masterminding some plot to ingrain this film into my psyche. Monday night, my daughter shows me an article about "Snakes on a Plane" in her September 2006 (okay, they are a little ahead of themselves here) "Reptiles" magazine. Yesterday, my son cleans out and redesigns his Kingsnake vivarium...he has a total of three snakes at the moment...he used to have ten. Last night as well, David Letterman had a guest on, reptile expert, Dr. Darrel Frost, from New York's American Museum of Natural History. He explained that snakes and lizards really should be characterized into one greater order...that being 'squamata'. So, I'm thinking that perhaps they should change the name of "Snakes on a Plane" to "Squamata on a Plane"...and technically they could still keep the same abbreviation.

So, where will I be on the 18th of August? Will I slither off to the theatre to catch the opening night of this movie? Will I be one of the many they are hoping to recoil in horror at the sight of hundreds of snakes? Will this film shed any light on how snakes really are...or will it just end up doing what Jaws did for sharks? Considering the magnitude of free publicity it's already had...on just what scale will this movie break any records? And will I be able to work in one more snake-related pun before this paragraph is completed? Oh, I mite...but I won't.

Very Good Eats

What happens when you combine Julia Child with Bill Nye? No...not a science experiment gone horribly wrong...you basically, and very basically at that, get the premise of a show on the Food Network called "Good Eats" hosted by Alton Brown...and we wouldn't miss it. Yes, it is that good. He is that good. Would THIS happen if he weren't?

You don't cook? Can't stand Rachael Ray? Well, maybe that last one is just me...but chances are if you give this guy a watch or two...you will indeed watch again. In fact I've watched enough times to know that Alton lives in Marietta, Georgia...and annoyed his professors when he attended the New England Culinary Institute by continually asking "why" certain foods did what they did in recipes. Okay, I'll fess up...he didn't per se TELL us this...I kinda Google'd him after seeing a few "Whole Foods Market - Atlanta, GA" credits flashed at the bottom of the screen when he'd venture out of his kitchen to show us whatever it was he was showing us in that episode. Oh, yes...his show's not just a cooking show...he cleverly blends science and culinary know-how in between...so you actually come away not only knowing what an emulsifier is, but that eggs are one...what a mother is and why some vinegars have them and others don't, which rotisseries on grills work best...and just a whole bunch of other stuff...whipped up with an off-beat, quirky sense of humour. Even his episode titles reflect that this won't be your typical boring, run of the mill bland diet of pabulum that cooking shows of the past...or present for that matter...have fed us for ages. Sure, Emeril says "Bam!" a lot...but he couldn't keep my whole family entertained for 30 minutes (and he's got an hour-long show). On the contrary, Alton does...my 11-year-old likes him as much as my 18-year-old son...and nothing short of a role-playing action game on the computer holds his attention for long.

Now I've only tuned in to "Good Eats" for a relatively short time...the first episode I caught showed him grilling a potato (or was it an eggplant?)...with a Mr. Potato Head-type of face...and saying totally inappropriate things to it whilst it cooked. He was funny...and I was hooked. Due to that show I now know to spot the difference between male and female eggplants...and I've actually used that knowledge to pick out my very own eggplants...oh, okay...first and foremost to unsuspectingly walk up to people in the store in order to share my bit of vegetative trivia...which, by the way, eggplant is actually a berry. Nothing impresses people more than inane trivial knowledge about the sex of vegetables...unless it's sex WITH vegetables...and to the best of my knowledge, he's never done that show.

I've also deduced (no, I'm not really a stalker) that Alton likes to use the words "thusly" and "permutations", refers to items in the kitchen that perform only one job as "uni-taskers" and that he and I share a fondness of Martinis. And I know this might sound a bit odd, but each time he opens his fridge...I get a little happy, albeit maybe a little too happy, when I see the same item that I have in mine. "Ooooh...he buys the same organic cream as I do! Look...the same drinks!" But, he's just so 'gosh darned' (as he'd probably put it) entertaining, ...that it's actually fun to spy the same thing or to say why or what something is or does before he does...or to even imagine running into him in Buckhead one day. And maybe, just maybe...we could even reminisce about his "Raising the Bar" and "Olive Me" episodes while having a Martini...or two.

Bulwer-Lytton Revisited

I've been told I'm egotistical...well, by one person...who lives in my house who shall remain nameless. I've also been told that the only way to get anyplace is to promote yourself. So, I tend to believe the latter as they say there's no such thing as bad press. Well, undoubtedly there have been some people who had bad press...and they aren't around anymore...but it certainly didn't hurt a lot of careers they said it was going to. Yeah, Hugh Grant certainly is hurting nowadays I'm sure. So is Paris Hilton...yep, whoa boy, she hasn't been heard from in nearly minutes.

So the topic of this blog will center around me...as they say you should write what you know. "They" talk a lot by the way...and I bet they rewrote a lot, too. I tend not to rewrite a lot...could you possibly tell? Well, it did get me somewhere once...I might have mentioned once or twice before...but I won a little contest back in 2003 called "The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest"...which, if you are good enough at writing bad enough...on purpose, mind you...you just might get praised for it. One night, after being told about the contest, I awoke and penned down my immortal entry, changed one word, and sent it off to the contest months later. Well, I decided to try my hand at it again this year...again, without rewriting...I sent off my solitary entry (okay, this time I did send in two...but I don't think the second one counted as I turned it in literally right before they announced the winners...so for technical and embellishment purposes, I'm going to stick to my claim)...and I was picked for a "Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mention". Don't let the title fool you, it's actually quite an accolade...granted not quite the accomplishment as the overall grand prize, but I really didn't think they'd pick me twice for that.

After reading the overall winner Tuesday, I scanned the rest of them...fervently scrolling, scrolling to see if my name popped up anywhere. Yes, I know I could have easily done a "find"...but that wouldn't have had the same effect...that 38 seconds of excruciating agony and anticipation as each passing name went by...was well worth it when I found mine...down near the very end of the list...where I've convinced myself they put all the "really good ones".

So, after I got picked this time around I got to thinking...what are the odds that a previous winner would enter knowing pretty much full well there is no place to go than down...and if I did get mentioned at all, could I handle the "shame" of it...and most importantly...could I parlay it into a few more minutes of fame? Well, let's find out! (Oh, after this I am so not going to get picked a third time.)

The first thing I did was harken back to my "glory days"...and how much I loved the press attention...and how much I thought my CNN Live interview was going to award me with the riches I so fully deserved...you know, the multi-book writing contract, Letterman's people calling me countering the offer from Leno's...who were also countering SNL's. You know...all that stuff that was now rightfully mine for the taking...only there was one catch...how to go about taking something that you aren't given. I still haven't been able to figure that one out exactly...but I had someone who played my HumorMeOnline site that knew someone who knew someone or something like that...at Conan O'Brien's show. Okay, I'm no fan of Conan's...but hell...I'll be his number one fan if I end up on his show. So, off I whisked my CNN videotape, with a little picture of Alabama with the arrow pointing to Wetumpka, apparently representing me as I wasn't in a studio at the time...only to hear back from Conan's people that "they weren't sure I could fill up a whole six minutes". Oh, right...I could fill up six hours...and still not be done saying what I came to say...Jimmy Stewart's portrayal of Mr. Smith in DC has nothing on me. Of course it remains to be seen if I am as interesting in others' minds as I am in my own...altho CNN's, David Lawrence Show's, and some other show's people assured me I was.

To best be the judge of this, I think I should be interviewed some more...that is why I got up this morning and rattled off an email to Craig Ferguson's show...explaining that since he wasn't around in 2003 when I first won...perhaps now they'd like to get around to it since I kinda "won" again. Tomorrow I write to Dave...Letterman that is...and certainly he won't pass this up...c'mon he's had a guy on the show who nail-gunned a nail into his own head...how many minutes can that take to go into detail about? How much could the guy remember afterwards? He had a friggen nail stuck in his head after all!

This brilliant idea of mine is surely going to get me all those perks I missed out on the first time around...or at the very least another interview with the Montgomery Advertiser people...they DO read this blog...right?

Girls' Night Out

Well, I was going to write about how my computer died the other day...and how self-reliant we are on computers as a population...but you probably already are aware of this, as if you are reading this now, chances are you have dealt with your share of computer mishaps and inept "help".

What I'm going to ramble on about instead is sleepovers. The right of passage for every young girl...do guys even have an equivalent? I remember with extreme fondness, as a child, the anticipation of a "sleepover". I lived far removed from friends, and people in general, up until the age of 11...when we moved to a much more "inhabited" locale. Suddenly I went from total isolation, to having a friend directly across the street from me...Robyn H, if you are out there...you were that friend. Robyn was a whole year younger than me...or was it two. When you are 11...one year is a lot...two years is astronomical...now it's not so much an issue, but I would still love to be two years younger than I am...contrary to what "The Stones" say, time is not on our side.

But back to Robyn...Robyn had a sister named Patty...whom I "re-met" years after she did a stint in the Army and had "matured" quite a lot...she was actually a very nice person...but as she was a little older than me...and Robyn's sister, she was our nemesis when we were young...she was quite gullible. I think Patty came from a long line of gullible people...and Robyn and I used that to our advantage...I won't go into detail...but my, we had fun. I was never an "evil" child per se...but when a person is asking for it, and you are raised in New Jersey...well, you kinda oblige them.

I had no problem making friends, unlike poor Patty...I was quite outgoing...and as such had many sleepovers. I look back at it now, my childhood, and realize just how trusting adults were. I used to baby sit at the very slight age of 11...my daughter is 11 and altho I trust her, I wouldn't entrust the lives of my 3 and 5-year olds to ANY 11-year-old. I was quite mature for my age...my daughter is the same...but still...11??? That IS rather young. My first sleepover happened before then...so did my first cigarette...they both happened simultaneously. Trusting adults...and children who want to get over on them...do not mix. A word to the wise: parents who go to bed before their children when they have friends over...if you think nothing is going on...wake up...no one is that naive...let alone your children.

Again, I reiterate...I was a good child...BUT if I wanted to do stuff that was much less than on the "up-and-up"...I could have succeeded...I had so many opportunities...I remember sneaking out with my friends more times than I had friends...and because I remember being able to do it, no one is going to be able to do it on my watch.

So, as I realize my daughter is a product of genes...and my genes tend to stay up all night...I've done all I can to pound this knowledge into her friends' parents without sounding totally condescending. Okay, I did sound condescending...but I meant well...I am never going to be one of those parents who never did "anything" wrong. You know the type...the "when I was your age...I NEVER did blah blah"...oh, you did, too...we ALL did...don't go there. I KNOW what I did, therefore I know what you are capable of, as I was capable of it at your age...only I had better judgement than to do it...I had a mother who cared enough to listen to me...who was once a child herself, in an era where no one ever did anything...only she had the belief in me to be truthful. No man is an island...no woman is either.

Fried and Scrambled

Just wanted to write to let everyone know that I haven't been a slug...but I haven't been able to post anything since my computer fried.

I've just now been able to get the information to sign on to post this...and I am sure I will be frustrated some more come this evening to rant on and on in a blog about computers and the evil ways they hold us hostage.

So, until then, you can rest assured I will be thinking of being in a much, much better place...

Stars Fell On...Wetumpka

Stars fell on Alabama some 80+ million years ago...well, not exactly "stars"...but "cosmic debris" just doesn't have the same ring to it...it's not on my license tag...and as far as I know, no one from Alabama's ever written a love ballad about cosmic debris...probably not even a ditty. Nonetheless, a meteor slammed into the ground right in my backyard and I've been talking about it for ages...and it seems not many people are really giving it the attention I think it deserves.

Where are the billboards that say "Welcome to Wetumpka...Home of an Honest to Goodness Meteor Crater Impact Site"...or those cutesy signs with the elaborate iron scrollwork on top that designate a "historical event". If this isn't considered a historical event, I don't know what is...and I think it's long overdue.

A little back-history about myself...I loved dinosaurs when dinosaurs weren't "cool"...way before "Jurassic Park" came about, I also loved space stuff, like the moon landing...and was glued to the television set when Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" series came on PBS, so you can say I'm a little surprised this area isn't touting a meteorite landing zone, something they didn't have to spend any money on to create...and capitalizing off of it in some small way.

Where are the walking tours...where are the reporters...where are the documentaries on The Discovery Channel showing the geologist with the pick-axe pointing to the shocked quartz explaining shocked quartz's relevance as it pertains to impact craters, where is that perimeter fence cordoning off the area so no one pilfers souvenirs? When I first heard about them sending in scientists to verify the geologic evidence a few years back I was extremely excited...when they left with more proof to support their earlier findings, I was telling everyone who would listen. Most people I spoke with here didn't even know they came and left...most people didn't seem to care. Oh, I know there's a lot more going on in the world to concentrate on than some 6.5 km hole left in the Earth by some wayward asteroid that now is slowly being etched away and obscured by Super Walmarts, Rite-Aids and houses anyway.

But I can step outside...and step onto the rock steps that lead down to my patio...the very same rocks that were violently heaved from the depths all those eons ago...which used to be on the side of Route 231 before we lugged them home...years before I found out about the impact crater that hardly anyone cares about. But at least now they are getting some attention...if only by us.

Getting Carded

This week tens upon thousands of people did what I used to do...read dozens upon dozens of Father's Day cards to find one that doesn't have a sappy sentiment such as "You are the world's best Dad!" and "Dad...thanks for all the things you did for me throughout the years even tho I didn't appreciate them." I know that this happens as I would see someone with the same robotic movements as me..."pick a card up...open card...roll eyes...put card back...pick up a card..." I would comment..."Oh...I wish there'd be just a generic "Happy Father's Day" one...nothing like golf clubs or race cars on the front...no "#1 Best Dad" pull off medals in the inside. Just a "here's my requisite card 'cause I have to" section...to make it much easier on us. And they would totally agree...furnishing their rationale for doing it...seeking a stranger's approval...and feeling less guilty once received.

Oh...seriously, I've seen the looks on faces. Watch for yourself next time you are standing in the "Happy" Birthday, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Anniversary, etc., aisle. These people are none too happy. Rows upon rows of cards with people holding hands, kissing, having a picnic, horseback riding...you'd think they are selling tampons. It gets to be where you almost want to just complain they don't have one of those "Gift Cards" so you can just spend $4 on one to give it to the person so they can just go pick their own card out. "Here ya go...I didn't care enough to pick a present out for you...why would I bother wasting 20 minutes looking for a card?"

I can see Hallmark making a killing on these things: "When you don't care enough to send the very best...and really don't want to waste the time gagging..." Personally I like the cards without stuff inside...I like to write my own sentiments. Face it, if you are in love with someone, you should be the only one who could tell them how you think...and conversely...if you can't stand the ground they walk upon...especially if you have to tread upon it right after they do.

Yes, I know this probably sounds horribly awful, especially since I revered my Mother so...but sometimes even cards with comedic undertones can't camouflage what you feel in your heart. Sometimes you just want to just say what you have to say...without having to say anything else. Enough said.

Silly Hat Fridays

If you've lived any time in Montgomery you know full well that this is just not a hoppin' town. This whole place shuts down around 9:00...most people have gone to bed long before then. The club scene...is there a club scene? Well, maybe there is...I'm old now, so maybe it's just knowledge privy only to the younger people. But it seems to me that if you are young and want to have a good time...there's just no place to hang out and meet people in this town...well, even if you are older...you got me where you go. Face it, Barnes & Noble and Books-A-Million's dating scene is only surpassed by Starbucks. In other words...this place is just not happening.

Oh, I know this place isn't New York City, or Los Angeles or Atlanta...far from it...but they have something we don't have. They have places where you can casually stroll down the street and shuffle in and out of and mingle with people who are doing the same. In fact, the town of Buckhead, a section of Atlanta that I love to visit...has a sign on the street where a bunch of clubs are lined up one after the other, which states you cannot circle the block more than three times as this would then be considered "cruising". Oh, no such signs ever needed in THIS town, ever...so I think we need to do something else to get people talking and having a good time.

My proposal...which I've thought about for years...is "Silly Hat Fridays". Oh, don't laugh now...well, unless it gets you to start talking to someone else you wouldn't ordinarily speak to. Just think about it...if a whole community can get into stacking up a flaming tower of jack o'lanterns during Halloween and beating their past record for it...well, that's something. I think we could start something, too. I think we should.

Who wouldn't like to don a wacky hat and drive around town on a Friday night? Look what conversations it would spark..."Hey, where'd you get THAT hat? I made my own...I'm working at the Shakespeare Theatre helping out with their costumes." Or "I got mine online at this place called Giant Steps." Now, would you ever have known that about anyone, without the Silly Hat day? I don't think so. Then it just snowballs from there...you start talking about other things...and pretty soon your awkwardness has turned to real conversation and you didn't have to buy a $6 Frappamochaccino Latte and sip it outside hoping someone notices you. Someone WILL notice you! And they will talk.

Then it can also be parlayed into various things...clubs can feature a discount if you wear a silly hat, so can restaurants and other establishments. If you were living in Jersey, I'd say instead of selling those "Velvet Elvises" by the roadside, you could set up shop selling silly hats...but we aren't in Jersey...so I guess that guy who sells sunglasses out in front of Catholic High can switch...apparently that's a good place to sell sunglasses...I've seen him there a few times. And on Sundays it can be "buy a paper...and a silly hat...that'll be $20...now get your butt outta here, the light's changed". See? Not only has this idea been instrumental in garnering new relationships and promoting friendships...but it's also opened up a whole new marketing dream. "Buy a Christmas tree...get a free hat." Who could possibly pass that opportunity up? "Why...yes, my tree does rival something out of that Charlie Brown Christmas Special...but LOOK at the free hat I got!"

So, as we've just got done at the polls picking our primary candidates for Governor, I think we should see if one of them wants to throw their silly hat into the ring and start a statewide campaign addressing this. Okay, so it wouldn't be as important a platform to run on...than all those other issues that they never deliver...but someone would probably make a killing on those donkey and elephant hats. At the very least that would certainly get people talking for a while...even if they, too, make a few false promises...but hey...isn't that what dating's all about?

Hair Today...Gone Tomorrow

Something happened in the past decade or two which no one has stepped forward to claim credit for...a great plague upon humanity has been cured. Somewhere along the line the Louis Pasteur of hair care products has failed to get his due recognition...somewhere between the time period of Charlie's Angels and the movie remake, "frizzies" and "split ends" became a thing of the past.

When exactly did this all happen? I was thinking about it the other day...oh, I think about the oddest things; but it dawned on me that I haven't seen anyone on television looking forlornly at their split ends like it was the end of the world. No "she's got frizzies!" comments from co-workers being whispered around the office behind their dishpan hands...as dishpan hands are now a thing of the past as well. That "secret ingredient" Madge had everyone "soaking in" in that Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid must have had its patent expire, along with her, sometime in 2004.

So, perhaps other horrid afflictions that dominated the airwaves of the 70's, 80's, and 90's have been exorcised from the viewing public. Let's explore that theory...and to do that we need to remember all those shows we used to watch, what they used to wear that we just had to have, and what we used to buy that we thought would make us look like them, smell like them, and be as irresistible as them...and more importantly, those commercials which promised to do just that.

It seems that women don't get those nasty nicks when they shave their legs anymore and it has absolutely nothing to do with the Epilady or Nads. Epilady which would yank the unsuspecting hair from the most delicate places on a woman's body only to make you wish you'd just pour hot wax on your body. Oh...hot wax? We can do that, too...but we have this product called Nads...Nads...guaranteed to make you buy the product just so you can giggle to your friends that you have Nads. Oh, don't even tell me you watched this infomercial without doing a double-take. But all those products are now a thing of the past...and I don't know how women go about removing all that unwanted hair and apparently the people on television don't care much either.

Women also don't need to control their bulges anymore via L'eggs Control Top Pantyhose...and girdles went out with Lucy. The last time I saw someone on TV dealing with IPLs (Invisible Panty Lines) girls didn't wear thongs that showed above their low-cut jeans as heaven forbid nothing "showed" in the 70's. Remember those seamless bras? "Oh...look at her...you can see the lines on her bra showing thru the shirt...those horrid straps...they aren't SEAMLESS!" Well, they never banked on Madonna coming along wearing her underwear on the outside of her clothes, did they? And seriously, don't we all owe her a debt of gratitude? Without her maybe we'd be so darn self-conscious by now about any protrusion our underwear dared to show that we'd be seeing lawsuits against Playtex..."Your 18-hour bra didn't last 18 hours...and I didn't get that promotion as I was paying too much attention to just how much my seams were showing when I interviewed that I couldn't concentrate on the questions themselves. I therefore am seeking 3 million in damages and another 5 mil in punytive (okay that's bad...I know it) ones...as your bra didn't remotely make me anywhere as endowed as Jane Russell." Altho Farrah Fawcett never was either...and she did just fine jiggling career and fame for a while there.

And I'm not purposely neglecting you guys...but it seems no one wants to see you naked anymore. Sorry. No more "all my men wear English Leather or they wear nothing at all"...and "take it off...take it ALL off". Forget wearing Hi-Karate...no one's going to "attack" you in the elevator no matter how many Cosmo magazines you buy her. Don't believe everything you see...or thinks she reads.

So, tonight as I watch TV I will be reminded that my abdominal bloating can be cured with Zelnorm, my insomnia can be cured with Lunesta, my teeth aren't white enough...my cholesterol isn't low enough...and if I've ever had difficulty concentrating it's gotta be a sign of something more serious that I should probably "ask my doctor about". And regardless of whether I'm taking a purple, blue, or pink pill...anything I take can cause stomach upset, headache or diarrhea...but as far as I know, my hair will still be shiny and my hands...soft as silk.

Sweeps Week

I am not Suzy Homemaker by any means...my house looks lived in. Okay, it looks lived in by a bunch of bachelors, but it's not gross. The only food you'll find on the floor is the cats' fault. No, really, it is...why some cats have to take the morsel OUT of the bowl and put it on the floor I'll never know...but they do...then they leave half of it on the floor. So, if they don't want to eat off my kitchen floor, maybe you shouldn't either. And that brings me to why I haven't been writing as much as usual...I've been cleaning...but not because I want to. Does anyone actually WANT to clean? If they do...they should come here...they'd be in heaven.

The problem is I have a LOT of stuff. It's lying all over the place. You know those "How To Get Rid of Clutter" books? You got it...they are also adding to the clutter. But I must, quick like a bunny, clean up my house to "presentable" status by this weekend. My daughter is having her Birthday Pool Party/Sleepover...and after hearing one of her friends once comment that the inside of my van, in her words..."Looks like your house, Mrs. Simms". Why, thank you very much, you little twit. Okay, I didn't say I liked ALL kids. But I better get in gear.

Another problem that adds up more than you'd realize, is the fact that I am the only one in the house, apparently, with the ability to bend over and pick something up. I've done experiments...I have. I've specifically noted that if there is a piece of paper on the floor, regular 8 1/2 by 11 inch size, strategically knocked off the table by a cat, in the path of where a certain person walks past 87 times a day, it will take approximately 3 days before I get tired of it all and pick it up myself.

I am also the only one in the house who can put "dishwasher loader" and "clothes washer" on my resume. These skills, altho you'd figure were quite readily obtainable by anyone...are not. Next time I watch one of those late night "DeVry University"-type commercials on television, I'm going to see if they offer a degree in those. They should...perhaps that's what they mean by "Restaurant Management"...hmmm...probable. I bet Sally Struthers can't even load a dishwasher properly...and she's no stranger to food.

Don't get me wrong, I've cleaned the house up plenty of times...but we don't routinely have anyone popping over for me to actually make that "cleaning pilgrimage" that often. I'm just not that devoted. I'd love to entertain people...I'm very social...the only problem is that all my friends live "online"...and none of them live close to me. I've tried to mingle...I'm just not the quilting bee, garden club, Pampered Chef kinda person. I can't fit another kitchen gadget in my house...and I'm much too food snobby to purchase one via the likes of a Tupperware-ish party. Yes, I am...I admit it...I am a culinary queen...I turn up my nose to anyone who doesn't know what a shallot is. Arugula and I are on a first name basis...as are watercress and Kosher salt. What? You don't use Kosher salt? Tsk tsk. See what I mean? I'm such a food snob...Alton Brown (of Food Network's "Good Eats" fame) and I could spend half the day arguing over which garlic press is best...and why, scientifically, mine works better. He's always hanging in Atlanta...maybe he'd be willing to come over...hey, I'd even clean the house up!

But, I'm running out of places to put my stuff...and the stuff of my mother's...she liked stuff...I unfortunately inherited all her stuff. I say "unfortunately" only because I'd much prefer her to be alive than to have had it all since 1999. I can't get rid of her stuff...I'm way too sentimental. I have notes my girlfriend and I exchanged between classes from 8th grade and T-shirts from boyfriends saved...you don't think I'm going to eBay my mom's stuff anytime soon, do you? And I'm also running out of time. It might seem like I have scads of time...but I'm not the most motivated of cleaners. I am not the quicker-picker-upper...I clean in spurts and I think my spurts are brought upon some ancient celestial happenstance...and no stars are aligning anytime soon and the summer solstice isn't until mid-June. Oh, I have much better things to do mid-June than clean...at least I hope I do.

So, come Friday, I will do what people since the dawn of man entertaining man have done. I will become a hunter-gatherer. I will hunt down all the stuff I haven't picked up and I will gather it...and toss it into that one room that NO one is allowed to enter. I will keep a watchful vigil...my children will be briefed ahead of time...they know the routine...it's ingrained in them like Pavlov's dog salivating at the sound of a bell. It's like our "Plan B"...our contingency plan for emergencies. And if a bunch of kids dripping chlorinated water on my mom's old oriental rugs on their way to the hallway bathroom, countless times, isn't an emergency...I don't know what is.

Summer Vaca...shun?

Well, they are doing it again...the last day of school is tomorrow and it's a half-day. If you've been reading my blogs, you know I have a major issue with half-days; if you haven't you do now...only I won't go into detail like I did last time. This time there's more of an issue. One-third of the kids won't even show up, and another third will just show up and leave after saying their "good-byes"...report cards are being sent home, so it's not like you even have to GO there to collect your report card and leave...there's really no reason TO GO to school...as everything's been turned in, all the stuff out of the lockers have been cleared out and did I mention it's a HALF-day? I doubt they'll even be taking attendance. But my daughter is determined to go - and stick it out the whole time...or I guess that would technically be "half time".

Then I have the whole summer to sit back and relax. And that brings me to the crux of this blog's matter: Babies, toddlers, kids and summer vacations, kids and college, kids turning 18...and what I've actually heard come out of some people's mouths.

Now, I like kids. Kids like me. They always have. I remember being very young and little children were somehow drawn to me...if they would have been puppies, I would have had quite a few of them follow me home. I don't know what it is...but even in a car this Pied Piper attraction (well, without the horrid ending) was, and still is, apparent to me. In a drive-thru line at the bank...pulled up next to a car at the light with them next to me...it's like some strange magnetic attraction. Now, I'm not stupid, I know kids will make faces, wave, and act downright silly to passing cars...they're kids...duh. But this is different...plus they AREN'T doing it to the car on the opposite side...they are focusing on me.

"Oh...you just wait, as soon as you have your baby, you'll be DYING to go back to work to get away from IT!" Wow, aren't I glad you weren't MY mom. Yes, this phrase and a few similar versions was actually uttered to me when I returned to New Jersey after living in Las Vegas for a while...and visited my old office to tell them all I was pregnant. So, I'm saying to them, "You know I plan to stay at home as long as I can and raise my child". "Oh...you just wait...you'll change your mind once you have IT." IT? Don't you love how people always call that "baby to be" an "it"? That always strikes me as if it's some alien out of an old black and white sci-fi B-movie..."IT!" I noticed someone saying that to my very pregnant friend at the end of season soccer party we had a couple weeks ago...even tho she told them a couple times that she knew her baby was going to be a boy.

I didn't go back to work...I stayed home and raised my son. My son, who learned to read right before his 3rd birthday. And when I say read, I mean like you or I read...not sounding out the word "C-A-T" with any hesitation...and all without the aid of me strapping him to his highchair and shoving flash cards in his face for hours on end. So, when we were at doctor's offices and he would start reading whatever was around, people's jaws would drop. It was rather fun to see their reactions, I must say. But a couple peoples' reactions just perplexed me...one was a teacher...who I never did get a straight answer from...but both told me, in not so many words that I'd "be sorry he can read that advanced later on". Why?? I still haven't a clue.

Fast forward a little and I come to find out that my son's birthday is 2 days after the cut-off for entrance into Kindergarten...but he's reading 80 books a night...has every dinosaur and their facts memorized and can already add and subtract. So, to make a long story short, I take him to my parents' house in New Jersey, where the cut-off is in October and he gets in...knowing all too well (yes, the secret's out...I did it on purpose) that the school here has to accept transfer students. Aha! A loophole. Not a week in school I'm approached by the teacher who tells me my son has no business being in Kindergarten. Uh oh... No...they want to test him as he's just kinda wasting his time sitting there. They administer the test and he reads at 8th grade level with comprehension and 4th grade overall. They advised against skipping that many grades but suggested we stick him in 1st...which we did. Now, all the while, I'm volunteering at school mainly at the lunchroom, where again, all the kids love me. Every day they'd all come over and hug me...oh you can't do that anymore in schools...heaven forbid anyone shows a child the least bit of affection...and they tell me all about their day and show me their lunches and give me pictures they drew for me. They didn't do that for the other people helping out...but they did for me.

I actually LISTEN to kids...and I talk to them...they can pick up on that. I used to watch a set of twins when my son was two years old...the twins were a little younger. Both parents worked. Now, I'm not ever saying this is bad...not at all...but I would hear from them, many, many times "I don't spend a lot of time with my kids, but the time I do spend is quality time". Uh...okay. You get out of the house as soon as you wake the kids up - you can barely muster up a kiss "good-bye" to them, one parent was long gone before they got up...you return home around 5:30...the kids eat dinner and you bathe them and pop them into bed all by 7:00-7:30. Wow...bowl me over, that's a whole lot of quality time. "Eat, hurry up and eat...drink your drink...time for bed"...5 days out of the week. My kids never went to bed that early...and if I would have worked like that couple did, you can bet they would have stayed up a tad longer. Oh, after working for them for a few months, they let me go as they stated that I "watched their kids too much"...I didn't let them run up and down the busy street without all of us holding hands...I didn't let them climb up and down the steps to the 2nd story wooden deck with the "fall thru" railing, and if they ran out of the room...I went after them. Oh, yes...they had an issue with all of this...especially since they cried their faces off each time I would go home...and each time they woke up they wanted to come to me instead. Honestly. "Oh, all kids go thru a phase where they don't want to come to their parents"... "All kids go thru a phase where they see a stranger, scream bloody murder and cling to you like a leech", "Oh, all kids..." they'd tell me. Um...no they don't. Oh...I didn't even mention...after a week, the kids stopped saying "buh buh" and pointing to everything they wanted...and actually talked. Yes, they were talking within a week. The parents were amazed. Hey...did you ever think maybe you needed to TELL them that everything they were pointing to had a name?

"Wow, I can't wait until my son turns 18 so he can get the hell outta the house"...or "I can't wait until my daughter goes off to college so I don't have to deal with her anymore"...yes, I've head them both...quite a few times. That's nice. So, let me get this straight...they didn't ask to be born...you had kids that you despise so much you want to kick them out as soon as humanly possible? Hmmmm. Okay...I'll not even get into this one...but the way I've always seen it, if you're not a real "people person" maybe you shouldn't take that job working with more of them.

So, as my daughter wraps up another school year we can commence staying up later at night making fun of movies on television, watch our two shows on the Cooking Channel, "Unwrapped" and our favourite, "Good Eats" with Alton Brown (oh he's silly and fun...we like him)...stay up and watch Craig Ferguson and sing the opening song, watch The History Channel (oh she likes documentaries), and generally wake up whenever we feel like and just hang out. Oh, I suppose we'll hang out with my 18-year-old son, too...since I haven't yet kicked his butt out. I better not mention that fact tomorrow as I run into all those parents huffing about how they "just can't wait until school begins again in the fall".

Baseball's Been Barry Barry Good To Him...

I don't watch a lot of sports...I do watch the Olympics, that's about it. I've watched the last game in a World Series once or twice, but my fascination with sports ended when Bjorn Borg stopped winning tennis matches. I remember, in my youth, being glued to the set on Saturday afternoons watching "ABC's Wide World of Sports" with Roone Arledge.

I remember "the guy". Oh, you remember "the guy"...if you've ever seen the show, you just don't know his name. Vinko Bogataj who will live in infamy as the "agony of defeat" guy...the guy whose fall off the ski jump looks like death personified. He wasn't at all badly hurt, by the way...but regardless of that fact, he still managed to make us cringe each and every week.

Speaking of cringing...how about "the thrill of victory"...achieved under quite controversial allegations. I'm talking about Barry Bonds...who just tied Babe Ruth's 714th home run record...eclipsed only by Hank Aaron's phenomenal 755. Again, I reiterate that I'm not sports-conscious by any means, but...the guy has been under question for steroid use for some time now. With good reason a lot of them probably use or have used some type of performance enhancers...but as baseball's just recently started testing for them...and suspending players...how can you possibly allow "alleged past offenders" to set or match records? Where do you draw the line? Can a line be drawn after the fact?

Actually, when I really think about it...it would be much more entertaining if they all used steroids. All of them running around at warp speed...heart racing at double-time...hitting balls out of the stadium routinely...not realizing their arm just flew off with the bat...and none of them really needing protective athletic cups...oh, c'mon...you KNOW what steroids do, right? Hey, I'd actually WATCH those games. Talk about the agony of defeat...in the long run.

Granted Babe Ruth was like 98 when he retired in 1935...okay, so he was only 40...he looked older if you ask me...but Barry is almost 42. He's no spring chicken by any stretch...even a 7th inning one...and something tells me he's not going to surpass Hank's record. Something tells me he shouldn't. Something tells me Pete Rose should be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame...but...that's a whole other blog I'm not going to get into any time soon.

A little something to keep in mind...Bonds will pull in $20 million this year alone (the fourth highest salary in baseball...and the highest paid Yankees player), not including bonuses and endorsement deals. In 1932, Ruth's salary was $80,000 a year...adjusted to today's standards, that would be roughly $1,000,000. Steroids, incidentally, were invented in the 1930s.

"Click It or Ticket"..."being held" for two weeks only

"Click It or Ticket." Sure it's cute and fun to say...but is it working? Are they really getting the right statistics when they tally those "Oh, seat belt use has increased by X amount since we've implemented this policy" figures up? Let's take a look, shall we?

A policeman pulls someone over for running a red light or speeding. What's the first thing they do...other than hide the gun if this is happening in LA? Well, if they're not wearing a seatbelt, you can bet they reach over and put it on. There's some kind of seatbelt or DUI check-point up ahead (which, I've only ever witnessed once in my life and it was in Herndon, Virginia)...uh oh...let's all put our seatbelts on. "Well, seems everyone's all buckled up in this vehicle...carry on." Oh, those tactics work so well don't they? Of COURSE seatbelt use is up if you go by those things. How about we consider a couple more stealthier ways to find out...and possibly save some lives plus get some revenue in for the towns while we're at it.

Cameras at toll booths. Case in point...we had recently gone over the toll bridge (or is it just a road really) that crosses from Prattville into Montgomery, and in front of us was a car with two adults in the two front seats and a child bopping around in the front between them and a couple more in the back, clearly all not restrained. The child's actions in the front made Britney Spears' "baby-holding" driving fiasco look totally innocuous by comparison. We mentioned something about it to the toll booth guy, and he commented that he had once casually suggested to someone passing thru that perhaps they should buckle their children in. They complained...and he was warned never to do it again or it was his job. So, here's a guy, trying to do the right thing and he gets read the riot act. I think he should be able to press a button, take a photo and then pass it along to the proper authorities. Of course, after a while...people who never buckle their kids in will hear there are cameras at the toll booths and they will "click-it...to avoid the ticket"...then their kids will just un-pop themselves after the "all clear" signal is given. But at least it might catch the ones who don't even have baby seats IN their cars.

Cameras at school parking lots. You can't count the number of times I've seen people driving thru the pick-up line with their babies on their laps...and how many kids I see get into the front seat where they aren't supposed to be sitting due to the airbag...and how many ride off without any seatbelts on at all. And airbags exploding with their extreme force, even at a low-speed impact, can lead to decapitation. I told this fact to a parent one day whose little girl was in the front seat of the car while they were about to pull out. Oh...if looks could kill, I would be long dead. She promptly told me where to get off...and to mind my own business as it was HER child. Well, ya know what? I don't think that being a parent gives you carte blanche to play God with your child's life. That whole "I brought you into this world...and I can take you out" mentality just isn't appropriate here. In a 'Cosby' sitcom when "Cliff Huxtable" is lecturing "Theo" about something up in his bedroom...it's funny and fits...in a real life-or-death situation, it just SHOULDN'T apply.

I should be able, as a concerned individual, to report this person. There should be some type of hotline that people could call...oh, I realize the Montgomery police are busy...but perhaps someone in authority pulling this woman (and all those other infractors) over and giving her the 3rd degree MIGHT sink in. I bet she wouldn't tell the cop to butt out. Did you guess by now that I have a major issue with this subject when it comes to children? I certainly do.

First off, a child cannot make rational decisions about their safety inside a motor vehicle...the adult in the car makes and enforces the rules...and as such, they should be held 100% accountable for their actions. Whenever I drive children on field trips...without fail, there is always one...sometimes two, who do not put their seatbelt on or on correctly...and when confronted, I'm told "my parents don't make me wear them". Well, they wear them in my van or we don't move.

Secondly, do these non-seatbelt-wearing people have any clue the guilt they'd inflict on another person in case an accident happened? I'll explain this concept a little: If I were to somehow be party to an accident, either my fault or another's...and someone went flying thru the windshield or got all smashed up inside the car due to their not wearing proper restraints, I don't even want to think how I'd deal with it. I ran over a squirrel once and saw it flopping around in my rear-view mirror...I can't imagine dealing with the death of a human being...especially a child. No one has the right to subject someone to that when it possibly could be avoided. No one has the right to subject their own child (or someone else's) to the possibility of an increased death risk each time they get into the car by not enforcing seatbelt usage.

A new report due out Monday by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) states that more than 6 in 10 people between the ages of 8-44 who were killed inside a passenger vehicle were not restrained. (Okay, I have a little problem with that statement...if it's "more than 6 in 10"...is it 7? Is it 8? Or is it 6.25? You'd figure they'd be able to pinpoint it.) That's a whole lot of people not wearing a seatbelt if you ask me...much more than previously thought. The NHTSA figures 48 million people do not routinely use seatbelts when they are on the road.

The "Click It or Ticket" campaign kicks off May 22nd and runs thru June 4th...complete with roadside checks and their goal to boost seatbelt awareness. Well, maybe those advertisements need to show a little gore instead of a cutesy slogan...like those Meth ones do. Maybe a real accident-based commercial with a disturbing visual and the voiceover "I brought you into this world...and I can take you out" added...just might get the point across. Maybe.

I'm Game

Someone hacked into Paris Hilton's cellphone again? No need to...she's coming out with a mobile game...featuring herself and a "likeness"...and you can download it to your very own cellphone. How hot is that? Uh...tepid? That means "lukewarm" for all you Paris Hilton fans. Oh...c'mon...this woman has made millions (and like she really needed to make MORE money) being almost as dimwitted as Jessica Simpson. Speaking of dimwitted, did anyone witness Britney Spears reading David Letterman's Top Ten List on his show the other night during her "it's official, I'm pregnant again" public disclosure? First off, she should really take the gum out of her mouth when she speaks...it's not exactly classy...oh wait...this is Britney...carry on. Secondly, what were the odds she couldn't pronounce the word "Tamiflu" (yes, she actually asked Dave for his help) but had absolutely NO problem with "Viagra". Kevin? Kevin Federline...your secret's out. But back to Paris...

Now, supposedly Paris walked in all late to the big game launching at the Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles, and then botched up the name...introducing it as "Diamond Quest" instead of "Jewel Jam". Gameloft (the makers) covered it up later by saying the name they had plastered all over the place was just a "working title" and that Paris' announcement was indeed correct. See what money can do? She probably has enough money to download a ton of these to make it a best seller...and when things sell like crazy...crazy people buy them. Oh...c'mon again, it's a Paris Hilton cellphone game...I doubt people sitting in their astrophysics classes are going to be playing it. Anyway, she states they are coming out with a series of games, the first ones geared toward teens/t'weens and the later ones...people of all ages. Oh, great, she plans on being in the news for years to come.

Gameloft, ironically, is a Paris-based (that's Paris, France) gaming company. The French love Jerry Lewis. I thought that tidbit of information might help put this all into perspective.

I have a couple problems with all of this. My first being...WHY do companies make these people richer? Oh, I know celebrities sell things because everyone is all "Oooh Shaq shops at Radio Shack...I should, too". Michael Jordan eats Wheaties...I should, too. And these people get paid millions, especially in Japan (I bet they still love Tom Cruise there) to do these commercials. I think they'd make more money if they just put some regular guy in the ad and only paid him $400, but then they wouldn't be able to come up in the search when someone Googles "Michael Jordan".

My second problem is...why don't they make the celebrity video games that people would really like to play? Face it, who wants to play "Who can spend the most money while carting a ratdog in your Juicy Couture carrier?" when you could play "Smack Tom Cruise upside the head each time he mentions the words 'awesome' or 'Mission Impossible sequel'"? I woulda said "Scientology" but Tom might come here and jump up and down on my furniture in retaliation...not that he'd hit his head on my ceiling or anything...but I don't let my own kids jump on my sofa, I'm not about to let Tom. Oh...and while we're jumping...why not let David Blaine jump on the bandwagon as well and put out a game where you enclose him in something and then stick him in some ludicrous situation for a month. It would kinda be like a Tamagotchi...you have to turn the game on once in a while to make sure Blaine still is alive...but you don't have to worry about feeding him. Both sound like winners to me.

But until then...we'll always have Paris.

To Sleep, Perchance to Drive...

"I don't remember...I don't recall...I got no memory of anything...anything at all." Three of you out there might recollect these lyrics from Peter Gabriel's "I Don't Remember" song...or maybe this will just be a prophetic legal defense in the future. And then a class-action lawsuit begins and I will never sleep again as "Sanofi-Aventis" goes out of business.

"Sanofi-Aventis" is a French-based pharmaceutical company, maker of 'the stuff that dreams are made of'...Ambien...altho I don't remember ever dreaming while ON Ambien. Hmmmmmm... Of the 26 million prescriptions that were filled last year in this country alone, a very small percentage claim they've done things like raided the refrigerator, had sex, and even driven around in their Ambien "coma", completely unaware...only to find out later on...usually when someone tells them. And once these lawsuits get going, you can bet that tons more people will suddenly "remember" that they've also done these things...and jump on the proverbial bandwagon.

My doctors tried to get me to try Ambien for a good four years before I finally consented...and only after I spoke with several people whose opinion I valued; I even perused the message boards before I started my nitely Ambien regimen. The commentary there read straight out of a Hitchcock film..."I only took half a tablet, I got up in the middle of the nite and hit my head on the sink and went back to bed...I didn't realize it until the next day when I woke up". "I had sex with my husband and he said it was the best ever...I don't remember it at all"...well, that's what we all say when we do things we ordinarily wouldn't...so I took that one rather skeptically. "I ate the raw chicken in my fridge...and I messed up the whole kitchen...this was the first time I took Ambien, too...maybe I should take a lower dosage because I must admit I slept quite well." The posts went on and on...even more entries than when I did a search for "transmission replacement for a '96 Dodge Grand Caravan". Reluctantly, I took my pill and got sleepy for the first time in my life...it was nearly heaven on Earth and I had met my maker...thank you...or should I say "merci am...bien", Sanofi-Aventis.

Now my prediction which I've been predicting for ages after reading all those comments years ago...which, because of all the hoopla going on lately...I'm figuring it's only a matter of days...Ambien daze...away, before someone kills someone and then blames it on the drug. Ambien is a hypnotic drug class...an amnesia-inducing effect if you will...that's why so many people who do wake up have no resulting memory of the events...you are in a trancelike state kinda like sleepwalking. A case which stands out in my mind, which I am sure is going to be found somewhat relevant in a future "homicide by Ambien" trial, is one I heard ages ago on one of those Dateline-type shows. A man, Kenneth Parks, got up in the middle of the nite, sleepwalked out to his car and sleepdrove to his in-laws, stabbed his mother-in-law to death and physically assaulted his father-in-law...then got back into his car, noticed blood and cuts on his hands and turned himself into the police stating he thought he "might have killed some people". He was later acquitted of all charges based on something known as "homicidal somnambulism". He's also not the only person who has killed and 'sleep'walked off scot-free.

So, while a goodly portion of people swallow down their pills tonite...I'm wondering if some legal team's dream jury will someday soon swallow an Ambien-induced murder.

I'm Beginning to Sense a Theme Here...

The things we do when we are young...well, the way I see it...the more things you've done when you were young, the more you can tell your children "don't do what I did when I was your age". And then you can tell them what you did and they look at you and go "yeah, right...like YOU did THAT"...and that brings us to the prom. Well, it brings us to other things, but for now it's just the prom.

Oh...it's not that bad...it's really not. Okay...it is...I confess. I forgot all about it..and when I remembered, I was all "I cannot believe I DID THAT". More of that later...what really was the impetus of this whole blog was yet another article (I've read a few this year) which addressed the fact prom expenses are getting way out of hand. Tickets, dresses, tuxes, dinners, limo rentals, etc...the costs are nearly as much as that senior class trip. The article I read today regarding Notre Dame High School in Sherman Oaks, California, stated that tickets to the prom...and I'm guessing for two...are $130. But it'll cost $0 for a limo as they are going to pile the attendees into buses to take them the 50-minute trip to the Long Beach Aquarium where it's being held. Oh yeah...that's awfully impressive..."C'mon honey, I'll let you sit by the window on the way back...and maybe we can get everyone to sing '9,999 Bottles of Beer On the Wall' on the way up so it won't seem like 50 minutes". Good luck...it'll seem like four hours.

I remember last year, watching a "Today Show" episode showing prom dresses. Prom dresses straight off the streets of New York...and I'm not talking about the ones on 5th Avenue. Who, I thought, would ever let their daughter dress like THAT??? They made J Lo's green Versace dress she wore to the Academy Awards that one year...oh you remember it...the one that was held on by Velcro or super-glue or something...look more like a Communion dress in comparison. These dresses were incredibly...oh what's the word I'm looking for...let's just say they looked like you'd be making more wearing it (or taking it off ) than what you paid for it. Now, I remember my prom...and all the proms before and since...every single guy there figures he's getting lucky that nite...well, except for the ones on that 50-minute bus ride...but to see your corsage taking up more space than the material itself, must have been a hormonal free-for-all. "Uh...I'd pin it on you, Mary Lou...but I'm afraid it would distract from your massive décolletage...plus there's nowhere TO pin it on to begin with." And the parents, gleefully taking photos and admonishing the daughter..."Now...don't you do anything I wouldn't do". "Hmmmm, okay, Mom...but remember, YOU let me buy this dress".

Well, I had those girls beat...in a way...I wore two nitegowns to my prom. I looked and looked for a dress...but they were all typical prom-looking frou-frou, bridesmaid-looking frosting-on-the-cake concoctions...so "look at me I'm a prom dress...you can't possibly wear me ever every again...yet you paid $$$ on me"...and I didn't want to do that...so I got creative. I had always loved Victorian dresses...and had an extremely pretty and ornately embroidered top to one of those bustle dresses that my mother had bought for me from an antique shop . One that evokes the pre-turn-of-the-century glamour of all those films Helena Bonham Carter starred in before she started going out with Tim Burton...rather "A Room With a View"-ish garb...but, my dilemma...I only had the top. What to do? What to do? Inspiration struck me as I was digging thru my stuff. I always loved negligees reminiscent of the type Jean Harlow wore in her films...and yes, I wore them from about the age of 15...I so liked the golden age of Hollywood as a child...therefore I had a few. So, with my black Victorian top and a long black slip of a nitegown under it...my prom dress began to take shape...but it still needed something. I ran out to the mall and found another...one which had yards and yards of sheer black fabric at the skirt...it would work perfectly...and it did...my black slip nitegown under the sheer one and the top over them both. And no one ever suspected I was wearing two nitegowns to the prom...and how many people can say they did that...and still got to wear them after?

Oh...I nearly forgot again. As for my horrible deed done at the prom...and I do think it was quite the 'not nice thing to do'...I attended the prom with one guy...and left with another. And for the life of me I can't remember the name of the guy I left with...and I've got a pretty good memory. Needless to say, my date didn't get "lucky" that nite (at least not with me) and neither did "what's his name".

The State of the Reunion Show

"Catfights and Caviar"?? That's the best title they could come up with for the Dynasty reunion show they aired last nite? No wonder Aaron Spelling didn't have anything to do with it. Personally I was pulling for "Death Becomes Her II"...but I guess they put this together without thinking much...kinda like Linda Evans' plastic surgeon's technique.

Oh...did you NOT see her? Now I did some IMDb-ing last nite...Linda Evans was born in 1942, Joan Collins in 1933, and John Forsythe in 1918. Why Linda didn't ask Joan for a surgeon's name is beyond me. Now, even with a soft focus lens and miles of gauze to shoot it thru...Joan and John, almost 73 and 88, respectively, looked much better than she did. But, no...she had to ask Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett for a recommendation. And her and Joan were all kissy-kissy..."Oh I loved you, too...was there anything better than filming our scenes together??" all the while you could see Joan staring her down thinking how much better she's holding up for being nine years older.

I must say...when Dynasty was on...I rooted for Alexis...Joan's character. She had much more depth than Linda Evans...and she wore those clothes just so much better. Shoulder pads, when you are built like a linebacker...aren't flattering. I'm sure Nolan Miller saw a few Joan Crawford movies in his day...but hey, it was the 80s and clothes and big hair ruled. I had big hair...and I'm waiting for shoulder pads to come back into style. There IS no "style" anymore...it's just "whatever". Maybe there needs to be another Dynasty-type show on instead of all those reality ones. A little fantasy isn't a bad thing.

Who didn't want to trade their regular dysfunctional family in for a filthy-rich dysfunctional family? "You didn't unload the dishwasher...again???" surely pales with the antics the Carringtons and Colbys got into. We had no lily pond to push each other into...we had to just slam doors when we got mad...we had no priceless antique vases to fling...and no one ever bothered having plastic surgery to try to impersonate me a la that terrible Linda Evans aka Krystal Carrington thing they had for a while there. Come to think of it, I bet no one wants to impersonate her now. Ouch...meow...claws back in.

So...they had a few of the principal characters back for the reunion...the guy who played Adam Carrington, the guy who played Blake and Alexis' gay son, Pamela Sue Martin who was the spoiled daughter character, and Catherine Oxenberg, who was the focus of THE worst nite-time soap opera debacle rivalling that inane Dallas "Bobby was in the shower/just all a dream" season...I'm speaking of the "Moldavia wedding" carnage. And I think they had someone else on...I forgot who...maybe they didn't. Then, at the very end they paraded John Forsythe out like some living fossil trophy..."Oooh look at him...he's still alive...we managed to pull this thing off before they all died"...they even had the bad taste to have Joan and Linda say "I thought YOU died" whilst clinking their champagne glasses. Oh this was abysmally horrendous dialogue worthy of...um...oh...any reunion show, really.

Like going down the proverbial receiving line, one-by-one they all agreed they owed their fame and a huge debt of gratitude to John Forsythe...Joan Collins bit her tongue as she knew damned well they owed it all to her...John was the only one who admitted it...but, like Bette Davis when she made the talk-show circuit when she was very old, years after "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?"...he could say whatever he wanted regardless of what anyone thought...he reached the celebrity age of reason. I admire that in a person.

Speaking of Bette Davis and "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" did you ever notice her scary make-up in it? Oh, and did I mention Linda Evans?

Another One Writes the Dust

The past few weeks have not been banner weeks for writers...well, at least a handful of them. First we had "The DaVinci Code" violation...Dan Brown was cleared for wrongdoing and sent on his merry way while the two other guys who wrote the other book...you know...the one that, henceforth, will be infamously known as "the other book"...will be destined to go down in history like the Walter Hunt/Elias Howe/Isaac Singer sewing machine patent fiasco. WHO is Walter Hunt you ask? Exactly.

Enter one Harvard University sophomore, 19-year-old Kaavya Viswanathan, whose two-book deal with Little, Brown and Co., got pulled off shelves faster than the average person can spell the word "plagiarism". Now, I'm no Harvard grad...but you can bet I knew from the 3rd grade that when you COPY something from the encyclopedia, like when you are doing that essay on Lincoln, you PARAPHRASE something...you rewrite it...you do everything but copy it verbatim. So, she lifts portions of Megan McCafferty's book and claims she musta, in essence, "just remembered them too well"...oh sorry, the legal term they used was "internalized"...she inadvertently "internalized" McCafferty's words and just went ahead and wrote them down as her own. Oh...sorry again...at least change the state from NEW JERSEY to something a little less obvious...maybe New Hampshire? Maybe I need to write a book about New Jersey, too...yes, about a girl from Jersey who reads about a girl half her age who gets a two-book deal who goes to Harvard and apparently doesn't have the sense to change the facts enough, all the while shopping while her boyfriend, if she woulda had one, would've pointed this all out to her...REPEATEDLY. "Hello...Little, Brown and Co....I'm definitely available...and I know how to 'Google'."

Exit one Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist whose job at the Los Angeles Times writing a column and Internet blog is now history. Michael Hiltzik was caught "self-blogging" on his "Golden State" blog. What I mean by that is that he surreptitiously "pretended" to be someone else commenting on his own blog. Now I didn't go TO his blog...IF it's even still there...but something tells me he knew all too well the comeback line for whatever quips he came up with. Hey, prize-toting dude...that's totally unethical...do you NOT have a conscience? Do you not have any morals...do you not have any sense to NOT get caught?? How the heck do you get caught on your OWN blog faking your own comments? Did you not have the forethought to maybe use a computer that wasn't AT your desk IN your office? Maybe like signing onto your kid's computer or something? Maybe use some guy's computer at Starbucks when he goes to the bathroom? Oh, he says he only did it once...at his blog...but admitted to commenting on other blogs about his blog and newspaper. Something tells me Mr. Hiltzik wasn't a Harvard grad...hmmm....or was he? Ironically, his Pulitzer came from a series of articles he co-wrote with reporter, Chuck Phillips, on exposing corruption in the entertainment industry. "Yo, Chuck...I got yer next Pulitzer right here!"

So, I anxiously await the next writer to go down...because that puts ME that much closer to getting that elusive book deal...or cushy newspaper job. "Hey, LA Times people...are you reading this?"

Dog Day Afternoon

Seems Montgomery went to the dogs this weekend and no one even noticed.

There was a dog show this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at the Garrett Coliseum...and by the looks of it at the time that I went...no one got the word. And I went when they judged the dogs...you'd have figured the biggest turnout would have been then. It was the three of us and 7 other people...all the rest were associated with the contestants themselves it seems.

Is it any wonder? I didn't see it advertised in Petsmart, Pet Supplies Plus, the news channels...and I can't speak for the paper as I didn't look in it. How I found out about it was a banner strung up on the corner of Redland Road and Rte 231 at the gas station there. That's it...I didn't see it anywhere else...and I almost forgot about it, until today. Seems I wasn't alone...and it's a pity as it was free admission. Not too many things you can do that are out of the ordinary, legal and family-oriented that are free nowadays. And this was definitely one of them.

Okay, so it wasn't the Westminster Dog Show...CNN wasn't in attendance..."Rufus" the Bull Terrier wasn't in attendance...and if he were, no one would have known. You see...there was no announcer calling out information like "This is Grand Champion Master Snozzle of Arcadia Land of Pretoria...also known as Snozzy...he's a Hungarian Puli and is being handled by Kay Lemming...the proud owners being Dr. Tom Katzenberg and his wife, Missy". So...the dogs and their handlers went around the little arena while the side arena's tape was being pulled up. Distractions were noteworthy here...seeing as this was my first "show"...I'm not certain if they are in the larger shows. Something tells me the Department of Corrections guys walking around in their white uniforms are not standard at Westminster's show. The only standards you will see there are of the Poodle, et. al., variety. But this one wasn't that snobby.

No one balked as we came in during the presentation of the Working Group class of dogs...and we went up straight to the judging area to stand around to see the dogs. No one asked us for credentials...no one asked if we had a hidden cat in our pocket to disrupt the goings-on...no one from the media panned on us when we walked in thinking we "were someone". The only cameras I saw were more of the cell phone variety...and the "Best of Show" ribbon looked like it was chewed on by the previous winner.

But there were fancy dog breeds there...not just some guy and his Labrador mix and some woman who tried to look like Paris Hilton carting her ratdog around talking to it. Okay...there was this one woman who was talking baby-talk to her Chihuahua...but she was very nice and stopped to chat with us a while. And people were primping their Shih Tzu's and poofing out their Poodles...hairspray and combs were flying frantically as this was, by all accounts, a real dog show...and the people and dogs took it seriously. There were breeds of dogs as diverse as Schipperke, Saluki, and even a Hairless Chinese Crested...oh get your mind out of the gutter...it's a DOG. Maybe if they would have played that angle up...it would have had a bigger turnout. Perhaps next year they'll get a bit creative with the advertising and we'll see this: "Bitches galore and Mexican Hairlesses...all under ONE roof!" Now THAT might pack them in...even if they eventually find out they're just a bunch of "dogs".

But try explaining that one to the wife and see if you still don't end up in the doghouse.