Something happened in the past decade or two which no one has stepped forward to claim credit for...a great plague upon humanity has been cured. Somewhere along the line the Louis Pasteur of hair care products has failed to get his due recognition...somewhere between the time period of Charlie's Angels and the movie remake, "frizzies" and "split ends" became a thing of the past.
When exactly did this all happen? I was thinking about it the other day...oh, I think about the oddest things; but it dawned on me that I haven't seen anyone on television looking forlornly at their split ends like it was the end of the world. No "she's got frizzies!" comments from co-workers being whispered around the office behind their dishpan hands...as dishpan hands are now a thing of the past as well. That "secret ingredient" Madge had everyone "soaking in" in that Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid must have had its patent expire, along with her, sometime in 2004.
So, perhaps other horrid afflictions that dominated the airwaves of the 70's, 80's, and 90's have been exorcised from the viewing public. Let's explore that theory...and to do that we need to remember all those shows we used to watch, what they used to wear that we just had to have, and what we used to buy that we thought would make us look like them, smell like them, and be as irresistible as them...and more importantly, those commercials which promised to do just that.
It seems that women don't get those nasty nicks when they shave their legs anymore and it has absolutely nothing to do with the Epilady or Nads. Epilady which would yank the unsuspecting hair from the most delicate places on a woman's body only to make you wish you'd just pour hot wax on your body. Oh...hot wax? We can do that, too...but we have this product called Nads...Nads...guaranteed to make you buy the product just so you can giggle to your friends that you have Nads. Oh, don't even tell me you watched this infomercial without doing a double-take. But all those products are now a thing of the past...and I don't know how women go about removing all that unwanted hair and apparently the people on television don't care much either.
Women also don't need to control their bulges anymore via L'eggs Control Top Pantyhose...and girdles went out with Lucy. The last time I saw someone on TV dealing with IPLs (Invisible Panty Lines) girls didn't wear thongs that showed above their low-cut jeans as heaven forbid nothing "showed" in the 70's. Remember those seamless bras? "Oh...look at her...you can see the lines on her bra showing thru the shirt...those horrid straps...they aren't SEAMLESS!" Well, they never banked on Madonna coming along wearing her underwear on the outside of her clothes, did they? And seriously, don't we all owe her a debt of gratitude? Without her maybe we'd be so darn self-conscious by now about any protrusion our underwear dared to show that we'd be seeing lawsuits against Playtex..."Your 18-hour bra didn't last 18 hours...and I didn't get that promotion as I was paying too much attention to just how much my seams were showing when I interviewed that I couldn't concentrate on the questions themselves. I therefore am seeking 3 million in damages and another 5 mil in punytive (okay that's bad...I know it) ones...as your bra didn't remotely make me anywhere as endowed as Jane Russell." Altho Farrah Fawcett never was either...and she did just fine jiggling career and fame for a while there.
And I'm not purposely neglecting you guys...but it seems no one wants to see you naked anymore. Sorry. No more "all my men wear English Leather or they wear nothing at all"...and "take it off...take it ALL off". Forget wearing Hi-Karate...no one's going to "attack" you in the elevator no matter how many Cosmo magazines you buy her. Don't believe everything you see...or thinks she reads.
So, tonight as I watch TV I will be reminded that my abdominal bloating can be cured with Zelnorm, my insomnia can be cured with Lunesta, my teeth aren't white enough...my cholesterol isn't low enough...and if I've ever had difficulty concentrating it's gotta be a sign of something more serious that I should probably "ask my doctor about". And regardless of whether I'm taking a purple, blue, or pink pill...anything I take can cause stomach upset, headache or diarrhea...but as far as I know, my hair will still be shiny and my hands...soft as silk.
A Bit About Me
- Mariann Simms
- Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".