Famous (Doctor Who-themed) NYC Restaurant

(A photo of a kimchi and spaghetti squash dish I made because I didn't have any restaurant photos...because I never take any with my phone.)

So, like I usually do, I'm sitting here clicking away on stupid crap people shared on Facebook because I'm a pathetic loser and can't seem to muster up the intelligence and wherewithal to write my book I keep saying I will write.

Anyway, I click on this one about a "famous NYC" restaurant trying to figure out why they seat the same amount of people as they did back in 2004...only now it's 2014 and they don't understand why they keep getting bad reviews and people are complaining about how long it takes, blah blah. So they pulled out an old surveillance tape and compared it to a recent one, after hiring some firm to do some research, and they were bowled over by the findings.

Um...first off, if you are seating the same amount of people you were seating in 2004...and it's 2014...and all you do is complain about how much longer it takes as everyone is using their cell phone -- this doesn't add up. If you are getting the same amount of people in your restaurant as you did a decade ago...and you are serving the same amount of people...and you didn't add a whole other room or anything...this doesn't make sense. If you are complaining that you are getting half as many people and it's taking the same amount of time as everyone is pulling out their phones, then that makes sense. You can't do both. If you hired more waitstaff...and you serve the same amount of people...um...walk around the restaurant your own damn self and see what is up.

Secondly, I've gone to restaurants - it takes me forever to shut up and make my mind up. I don't need a phone to make me indecisive...I can do it all on my own. I don't see the problem with me taking 10 minutes to peruse the menu and talk to whomever I am with. If you have a problem with that, I advise you to get a fast-food chain instead.

If people are taking photos of your food (and themselves enjoying eating it) and talking about you on Facebook and Instagram and you have an issue with that -- YOU have the problem. It's called "Free Advertising" and you are complaining? Seriously???

I could add three more things here, but I'll save you all the boredom...the article was written 21 July 2013 and you have 2014 figures? You should have known this ahead of time if you are capable of time travel. If you are capable of time travel - just pick the winning lottery numbers and get out of the restaurant business.

So...I call "bullshit" on this entire story...which can be found here:

Famous NYC restaurant

The Line, the Which, and the Wardrobe

(Me wearing my Tom Baker scarf and holding an Adipose doll that I was just given for my birthday on the 15th of December.)

The Line, the Which, and the Wardrobe

 

 

It's no great secret that I'm a "Doctor Who" fan - and I've been one since I first laid eyes on Tom Baker's (the fourth Doctor) toothy grin back in the 1970s.  But the time is nigh...and with Christmas Day Matt Smith bids farewell as Doctor #11 (or 12th or 13th even, according to some sources) and another regeneration will mark its place in history.  For those unaware, "Doctor Who" is the longest running (altho it did take a break in filming) science fiction program in history (it marked its 50th anniversary last month)...which is quite fitting as it's really all about history...and time traveling. 

 

While I don't profess to have the writing ability of Steven Moffat or Russell T. Davies, this is, nonetheless, a tribute to the show from my perspective throughout the abbreviated ages...sans the TARDIS.  (Please note that while I watched "Doctor Who" on and off between the 4th and 10th Doctors...I didn't care for it too much for whatever reasons I had...so that is why the regenerations gap.)

 

 

 

The Line

 

A catchy catchphrase.  While there have been many incarnations of "The Doctor", it seems there's only been a few catchphrases which have stood the test of time...or seem to have ingrained themselves into our collective psyche. 

 

"Would you care for a Jelly Baby?"

 

Tom Baker's iconic signature question is almost as synonymous with the show as the uttering of "Doctor Who?" as a response to whomever states "I'm the Doctor." is.  I'm also positive it has single-handedly propelled the sale of Jelly Babies to astronomic proportion.  If it didn't, it certainly didn't hurt it any.

 

"A big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey...stuff." 

 

That's the concise definition of what time is...according to David Tennant's 10th Doctor...and, if you blink, you're probably going to miss the gist of this.  Yes, Doctor Who fans are understanding what I just said, even if you aren't getting it.  But..."allons-y" -- in other words, let's go to the next Doctor down my list.

 

"Bow ties are cool." 

 

Were they ever?  Of course they were!  Bill Nye always wore one and he's about as cool as they come.  It took Matt Smith (11th Doctor) to step up to the plate and solidify it.  And, boy were they ever.  A little after the immortal line was said...the men's departments were chock full of them...mannequins without heads were sporting them...people were wearing them...and...I'm getting a little ahead of myself here.  But this is all about time traveling, so I guess I can use that as an excuse.

 

The Which

 

Which is best?  Or, actually "Who" is better?  That's the age-old debate amongst Whovians.  But...it's the same with James Bond...you always have a favourite.  My theory is "You always love your first one best."  And, I can't argue with myself there. 

 

I first caught a glimpse of Tom Baker (4th Doctor) on PBS (Public Broadcasting System) and his larger than life Cheshire Cat toothy grin...back in the mid 1970s.  This totally captivating man with the melodious and enigmatic voice...hooked me and then reeled me right on in.  I watched, glued to the television set each week...as Tom chased another Dalek off or outwitted a Cyberman.  It didn't matter what he did...the fact that he was doing it...with that mop of curly hair, that grin, that style, and that voice.  Did I mention the grin? 

 

Then you have David Tennant.  Swoon.  Yeah, you caught me...I'm swooning.  I swooned so much during the "Tennant Years" that I can't imagine myself not swooning.  But...the guy was brilliant.  He came on camera and you believed what he was doing...because he wasn't just acting...he was taking you on a journey.  You got into that TARDIS and you were with him.  And, if he told you to "Run!" - you ran.  If he told you "Don't blink!" you didn't.  And, when he said, "I don't want to go..." you felt his desperation...you knew he was going to be replaced...but, you were hoping the show had a change of heart.  Up until the fade-in of Matt Smith's face...you were hoping...because you, like David, didn't want him to go.

 

And then there's Matt.  What shoes to fill.  Sand shoes (insert Who in-joke here).  But...wow...what a tough act to follow.  How do you follow the guy who resurrected the show from a steady "eh"...and propelled it into the headliner on BBC America?  I'm fairly sure that Tennant also secured a lofty position over in the UK as well.  But...how do you - as a relative unknown...and the youngest Doctor (26 years old) to portray the ancient Time Lord...pick up from where Tennant left off...with millions already hating you...and not willing to even give you a shot?

 

Well...you do whatever it was that Matt Smith did.  He was quirky, he was...well there's absolutely no other adjectives to describe him.  In fact, not making this up...my daughter just came out of her room and I said to her..."Quirky?" and she nodded and I said..."What?" and she said "Quirky." and then I asked her again "What?" and she said, "Matt Smith".  Now...if that doesn't prove it...I'm sure the dictionary has an entry under "quirky" which reads "See Matt Smith".  Honestly...that about sums it up.  But...he...and his "fish fingers and custard" stepped into my living room and into my heart.  And...I didn't even WANT to like him!  I wanted to sit here, stewing, brooding, and lamenting over the dismal decision they had as a replacement for Tennant...and, honestly, I couldn't.  So, it will be a sad day...later on today...when he makes his final bow and gets replaced by a man I really have no idea about.  I have no real clue who Peter Capaldi is...and maybe that's a good thing...as I have no preconceived notions about him.  You know...other than I hate him already for replacing Matt Smith.

 

But...as far as Doctors go.  The others might have played "Doctor Who" - but, in my opinion...Tom Baker WAS "Doctor Who".  He didn't have to act.  I think that's who he was.  I firmly believe that...and don't talk me out of it.  I like believing it.

 

The Wardrobe

 

An exceedingly long scarf, a brown trench coat, a bow tie (and a fez).

 

What could all these things possibly have to do with each other?  They are signature items.  You know who they belonged to...#4, #10, and #11...respectively...and they have mass appeal. 

 

To me, that's the deal breaker.  If Tom Baker were wearing spats and a chauffeur's cap...it wouldn't have worked.  The long, multi-coloured striped scarf and a Fedora...yep...that's brilliant.  It perfectly framed his curly locks and toothy grin.  On another guy - it would have looked silly.

 

A long, brown trench coat?  On a super skinny tall guy with spiky hair -- worn over top of a blue, ill-fitting pinstripe suit...with sneakers, no less?  Yep...that works.  For Tennant.

 

A bow tie on a quirky guy...who also periodically dons a Fez?  On anyone else?  Stupid and over-the-top.  On Matt Smith?  Splendid indeed!

 

What didn't work?  The wardrobe they put on practically all the Doctors...who came after Tom Baker.  Especially the guy who wore the outfit that I'm sure Gary Glitter and Elton John turned down because it was too ugly and loud.  The Doctor with all the "question marks" on him?  Looked like a cross between "The Riddler" and that Matthew Lesko guy...the one who would scream at you in his commercials telling you to buy his book which was filled with "free money!" from the government. 

 

In fact, the only Doctor who luckily didn't get a drunken wardrobe mistress to pick out his outfits during that time period...was Christopher Eccleston who wore a black leather coat.  All those others were bad judgment calls and the poor actors were doomed from the get-go...all because their clothes were totally wrong. 

 

So, when Capaldi walks into my living room later on today, I'll be able to tell if he's going to be a hit or not...based on what he says and what he's wearing when he says it.

I guess...only time will tell.

(All apologies to C. S. Lewis - "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"
All apologies to Steven Moffat - "The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe")

Top Ten Things That Have Been Bugging Me

I've not written a blog in a while. I've not even tried.

It's my fault - I start doing other things like playing this online fake Scrabble game, or I sit around the house watching television, or I sit around wasting time on Facebook, or I sit around the house making up excuses...and then I get mad for not being scooped up by a prominent publishing house or movie studio, and I whine silently to a few of my friends (not so silently).

But, hey, it's the new year...time to put my aging butt in gear, right?

So, I sat and I thought and thought...or more like laid there and thought and thought...and I am drawing blanks left and right. I've come to the conclusion that nearly everything you can bring up, I've done some form of it in a blog already. Maybe I used up all my ideas...so I came up with this one instead...so be gentle as I know it's not going to be one of my best efforts.


A few things that have been rattling around in my brain...yes, they are in no order. So, let's just think of them as my "Top Ten Things That Have Bugged Me"...they aren't meant to be witty or funny...so if you're anticipating that, you'll be let down.

10. The 2011 Christmas "Doctor Who" show. C'mon Stephen Moffat...I waited like six months to see that??? I know you are capable of much better. I'd venture to say I'm capable of much better. Give me a shot, will ya? I'm older than you - respect your elders...hire me. I'll even do it for free...give me a friggen shot, okay? Please?

9. "Saturday Night Live", David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, hell, even Jay Leno...see #10 (only vary it to fit you)...a shot? Please? For free first - THEN you can hire me or fire me. Just one tiny little shot...that's all I'm asking. Oprah? Donald Trump? Rosie?? Someone?

8. To the "Dasani" water people (aka the "Coke" people) and the "Chick-Fil-A" people on Eastern Blvd in Montgomery, Alabama: You know what you did...it's been what, three years?? At least pay up for the Emergency Room visit already. (Yeah...I should write a blog about this - it's long so I can't put it here.)

7. You "Jersey" shows on television: I'm FROM Jersey...I never knew anyone who was like that in Jersey...stop making me seem like an idiot so no one hires me. Or hire me yourself...I promise I can be the idiot you are looking for in a writer.

6. Just to let everyone know...saggy boobs are "in" this year.

5. I didn't talk to my mother enough and I talked to her every single day. I should have written things down...the memories of what she told me of her youth in Belgium are getting muddy and I can't remember her voice so much. For everyone with a loved one...pay attention. Everyone tells you to pay attention and you don't realize they are right until after it's too late. My mother knew I loved her so I don't have to worry about that...but I miss the most stupid things...like the way she pronounced "Post Office"...and no one will ever say it like her again in my life. Ever.

4. All the people on those "person specific" news shows...like on CNN: STOP SHOUTING! If I can't hear you, I'll turn up the volume. Sheesh!

3. One day all you mean people will get your comeuppance. Personally, I'd like that day to be tomorrow.

2. Human beings should live longer...and have a nice exoskeleton so we're more impervious to the elements, like car crashes, bullets and crazy people in Walmart.

1. I know people believe in reading the Bible and things...like prayers. I have no issue with that whatsoever. However, I do have an issue with two things about that: a) Don't just memorize a dinner prayer if you're going to pray twice a year (you C&E people can relate)...make it come from the heart...make one up on the spot; somehow I don't think God will get mad if you improvise. b) That child's prayer which goes: "Now I lay me down to sleep...I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake...I pray the Lord my soul to take." That single-handedly creeped me out my entire life. Seriously...just think of an innocent child who has no concept of death yet...reading this. Now think of that same child a few years later, with a vague concept of death. This isn't so much a prayer anymore as it is a warning -- a good haunting one when you're just about to drift off to sleep: An 'Ooops...guess we forgot to mention it, Jimmy...God sends his boogeyman to take your soul at night while you're sleeping sometimes." I'm sorry...but this needs to be totally rethought out. It's not at all comforting and it's very, very, very scary. In fact, it's almost as scary as that first "Doctor Who" Weeping Angels episode Stephen Moffat wrote.

And with that...I've come full circle. "Happy 2012" everyone! :)

Three Time's a Charm?

After watching yet another episode of Chef Gordon Ramsay get flustered and cuss his way into acceptance on some "Kitchen Nightmares" show filmed in Philadelphia, it dawned on me how nearly everyone seems to be incorporating some British slang words into their boring American lexicon thereby seeming to be extremely interesting.

In fact, some news sources speculated there were more people in the USA watching Prince William and Kate Middleton get married a couple weeks ago than there were watchers in the UK. While wedding guests in Royal attendance queued up to get inside Westminster Abbey...donning outrageous hats and dowdy clothing...Facebook was abuzz with comments. But, some posters, who fly a different red, white and blue flag, flaired it up a bit with Brit.

Oh, we've all been guilty of doing it from time to time. Don't pretend you don't. Even "BBC America" is running an ad about Brit words and what they mean and how posh it is to use them.

Like that.

"Posh." C'mon, no one even used the word before that silly "Spice Girl" (you know the one who looks like a lollipop -- big head, stick body, married to Mr. Spice aka David Beckham) came about...unless you count Michael Caine.

It seems, nowadays, everyone uses words like "wonky" and "numpty"; it's only a matter of time before we use words like "brill" and "pressies".

I also love to make up words. I always have and I always will. I've written about my penchant for coining words...and I've done at least one blog about British words. Go "here" and "here" if you don't believe me. Below are a couple I made up years and years ago and pretty much use them on a daily basis...so much so that I'm almost convinced they're real.

Scubby: (adj.) Unkempt looking. "Will you please shave...you're looking really scubby."

Slurb: (noun; verb) When a cat smooshes their face up against you and leaves that kinda wet scent they mark their territory with. (Said to my cats:) "Ewwww...stop putting your slurb on me!" "Stop getting me all slurby."

Scrolly Guide: (noun) The thing on your television which you view to see what is on television. "Let me look on the scrolly guide to see what's coming on at 8:00."

Why most of my words start with an "S" is anyone's guess.

So just for the heck of it I attempted to make up my own British-sounding words...and, it seems some actually might exist in some capacity. Case in point: Apparently adding "tw" to any word makes it instantly "Twitter-worthy" but since I don't "Tweet" I didn't know this...and I believe 99% of everything Tweeted is pretty much complete "twarbage" anyway.

This made me wonder if there are really any words out there which haven't been tried in some form already. I honestly believe there are people out there randomly syllablizing every single sound, combining it with another, and then popping it online to get some type of notoriety. So, I decided to jump on the proverbial bandwagon as well before it's too late.

And might I add..."'BBC America'...are you listening??"

Jilly-nubber: (noun) A female pleasuring device similar to a French Tickler only derisively British. "At her Hen Party, Kate Middleton received not one...but four Jilly-nubbers - two from her sister, Pippa!"

Twollocks: (noun) Insert gratuitous "bollocks" comment here...only do it twice.

Harrodsment: (noun) When the staff of a posh store constantly harass someone by following them around condescendingly asking if they need any help finding "something". "Each time we go into any bleedin' posh boutique just to have a look around, the Harrodsment always starts up."

I'm half-thinking of starting up a "British Word of the Day" blog. The gist of it would be that I watch "BBC America" and then blog about a word I haven't a clue about (existence and/or usage)...and then attempt to use it incessantly in a senseless blog.

After all, I am pretty much half-thinking senselessly most of the time anyway.

My blog was going to end with that sentence above...but, here's an update:

In fact I was so inspired by my newest endeavour that I created a THIRD blog! It is called "Brit Word of the Day"...and is found if you click that highlighted link right above.

Join and comment. Have fun. That's all I ask. Let me know what you think of the layout, the colour scheme, the positioning of things and so forth - and please comment there about it so I know where all the comments are. If you don't like something let me know...it's the only way I'll know something. I'm not the greatest technical person in the world - but I can figure out some things. But if you don't voice your likes and dislikes, I'll never know. :)

Time Travel and the Grandfather Paradox aka My Theory of Non-Relativity

I do not claim to be the greatest thinker of all time. I also do not profess to be in the top one million. When I think lately it's more or less about how my headache is never "just a headache"...it has to be brain cancer...and that not finding the mouth ulcer thingy on my tongue this time (even with a lighted magnifying mirror and a long-handed teaspoon in one hand and a Q-tip in the other) is highly indicative of me having tongue/mouth/throat cancer (thank you - neurotic tendencies). The fact that I've been abstaining from all alcohol for absolutely no reason whatsoever this past week...is again, in my clinical opinion...probably directly related to my tongue/mouth/throat cancer.

So when I thought the other day of a thought I've frequently thought, as I talked to someone whose name I can't even remember...on the phone - for hours and hours (Jimmy Stewart's filibuster scene in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" is nothing compared to my ability to talk endlessly)...I decided I would type this out to get it out of my system.

Time travel as we know it has been the thing many movies have been built on. And I always find fault with them all - basically because I'm anal like that and I like to compare notes after the film is over with other anal people who, likewise, feel compelled to share their insight via the Internet Movie Database (IMDb).

We all know "Back to the Future", "The Time Machine" (don't bother watching the remake I didn't even know was remade until I watched it the other day), "Terminator" (and the four or seven sequels), "The Time Traveler's Wife" (horrid, simply horrid), and so on and so on...with "Twelve Monkeys" probably being the best in my opinion along with "12:01 PM.", a short film which is absolutely brilliant...but not true "time traveling of your own free will"...but I thought I'd mention it as it really is great. And then there's "Doctor Who"...who could forget him?

But I'm rambling...kinda like I do on the telephone...

Basically, when I'm not talking on the telephone, I sit and I watch television - mainly old films, very old films...or documentaries.

Some of these documentaries are about time travel...and I tend to uber-analyze them as much as I do the films of the same "genre".

Typically, if you've seen any of these shows...they are way over the average person's head, yet they get the guy with the PhD in Astro-Biological-Time-Quantum Physics to explain to us "little people" about theories we've gullibly bought in above said movies. To do this they resort to convoluted things like bending pieces of paper (marked "A" and "B") over and there's usually a ball and a trampoline employed somehow (think MacGyver as the prop man) and always a flashlight.

Well, one of these theories in time travel is the "Grandfather Paradox". In a nutshell, if you aren't familiar, it's where you theoretically can't go back in time and kill your own grandfather as you wouldn't be able to go back in time as you weren't born if you killed him. It's loads of fun to think about...especially if you've drank enough alcohol to get loaded or taken an Ambien...but never at the same time.

So, people with IQs in the tens of the power of 2 or 20 (or some other such mathematical rot) have concluded their own conclusions and summarily tossed time traveling back to commit such an act -- as impossible. Some have further theorized you can't go back in time prior to the invention of the time machine...as you'd have to wait X years after the invention and then can only go back in time as far as the invention was invented.

Eh...whatever. If I'm going to invent a time machine...it darn well better go back to point one and go in the future and sideways and longways and all the ways that Willy Wonka glass elevator can go.

Now, I've paid as much attention to these programs as one can (given the circumstances)...and they never bring up MY theory:

(clears throat) This theory, which belongs to me, is as follows... (more throat clearing) This is how it goes... (clears throat) The next thing that I am about to say is my theory. (clears throat) Ready? (Oh, lookie there...I time traveled back to Monty Python days.)

Seriously, here it is:

Okay, but first...you know that question which anyone with a child answers the same? The "If you could go back in time and change one thing in your life...would you?" And they get all "George Bailey" on you and say, "Well, I wouldn't because that would mean my child/children wouldn't have been born."

Well, I claim bull crap on that generic answer...which happens to be my theory.

IF you could go back in time...how do you know you wouldn't have the same children? Sure, you can speculate they'd be different...but you wouldn't really know it as you wouldn't know any differently as you don't have a time machine. Perhaps they were destined to be born anyway...and they aren't so much a strand of DNA as they are some cosmic entity that is yours alone...and no matter how many years or dimensions you could possibly travel through...they'd still end up getting here.

So, in principle, you could go back and kill your own grandfather as he wouldn't necessarily have to be related to you.

Or...something like that.

Hey, I'm still working on it...sheesh!

It's a theory in the making...and if Hollywood can get away with a few liberties, well, so can I, right?

(A side note: I am neurotic and always think the worst...I can't tell you how many times over the years it was brain cancer or throat cancer...so I meant absolutely no offense to Michael Douglas...and would never ever joke about something like that. Michael Douglas is doing the brave and right thing to tell people about his throat and mouth cancer...and because of his celebrity...many people will listen...and be saved by early intervention due to what he's been sharing. I applaud him and I hope he wins his battle.)

Chasing Dummies aka "The History Channel Jumps the Shark"

(Bear in mind I was going to submit this last week only I didn't get around to it, i.e., didn't write anything other than the opening four paragraphs.)


How appropriate is it that I'm writing a blogumn about The History Channel "Jumping the Shark" right smack in the middle of "Shark Week"??

Okay, granted "Shark Week" is on another channel, but still.

What can I say about The History Channel that hasn't been said by me before? I love this channel...or should I say, I "loved" it.

The other day, I'm going through the "scrolly guide" as I call it, trying to find out what's on. It's a fairly simple task as there are less and less channels I seem to watch.

A typical night on the sofa for me goes as follows...

Computer on, various stages of dinner preparation, some wine or a Martini on the table next to me and both my television and TiVo remotes located and within reach.

Yep...check, check, and more check.

Now it's time for me to check what's on...and this is how I systematically do it:

Step 1: Channel 65 - TCM. Any old films I care to watch? No? Proceed to "Step 2".

Step 2: Channel 58 - The History Channel. Some interesting show or documentary on? Something besides gangbangers in jails or trucks on ice would be nice. Nope.

Step 3: Channel 51 - National Geographic Channel (I refuse to call it "NatGeo" - nope, that's almost as silly as changing "SciFi" to "Syfy"). Eh...saw everything already...twice.

Step 4: Channels 401 and up - aka "All the Movie Channels I Pay for and Only Watch 'Kate & Leopold'...93 Times as Everything Else on Sucks". Nope. I'm not going to watch "Thinner" for the eighth time and I can't watch "Busty Cops and the Jewel of De" because: 1) I have kids, and; 2) I think I already know the plotline. Noticing that "Spanking the Monkey" is on yet again, I snicker for the umpteenth time about it and keep on scrolling.

Step 5: Channel 140 - BBC America. Nothing on and I'm not too keen on watching "Top Gear" and "Doctor Who" isn't on until the series starts up again in the fall. I'd watch "Being Human" just for the eye candy factor of the vampire guy, but you see one episode and you've seen them all - at least for me, as I'd still only be staring at the vampire guy and not paying any attention to the show. Move on.

Step 6: Repeat Steps 1-5. Over and over and over again all night long.

So, the other day I notice a new show on The History Channel: "Chasing Mummies". First off, I LOVE Egyptology...if there's a documentary with a pyramid, Pharaoh, or mummy...oh yeah, I'm there.

And joy upon joy, the guy who's hosting is foremost Egyptologist, Dr. Zahi Hawass! Oh, this will be great! He did for Egyptology what Carl Sagan did for astronomy.

"It's about time they put something interesting on" I think to myself, and I actually gaze upward and away from the computer directly in front of me. I mean, c'mon, there's only so many times I can check my email in one day and I've way since surpassed that number.

Granted, only a true Egyptological connoisseur would probably know this guy - but I've seen him on numerous documentaries over the years and I happen to know this guy is brilliant. He didn't become world-renown for nothing and now he'll become a staple every single week in my very own living room! I am, honestly, in my glory.

I catch on to the premise of this show quite quickly and it seems hokey but, what the heck, it's MUMMIES! Basically, a camera crew tags along with Dr. Hawass and a couple of archeological students as he goes around showing them stuff and quizzing them about what they're seeing.

Now, I never studied Egyptology. I did, however, Google what credentials you have to be in order to be an Egyptologist as I was hoping I could still be one. But, it's really quite an undertaking and one should probably not start whilst in their mid-forties (okay, smarty pants, I know...but I Googled this a few years ago). You can check out the daunting mass of stuff you have to study here (I'll wait while you go read it): Egyptologist

Done?

Okay, I'll continue. So, after studying all the studies you have to learn and gathering all the expertise you have to possess when you come into (and onto) the field, you'd figure someone would at least have a small practical grasp on Egypt-like stuff -- or at least be able to pronounce a two-syllable word, right?

Wrong.

Someone who runs things over at The History Channel must have figured for "comedic affect" they should throw in a totally inept female student and for even more "comedic effect" the camera crew should also participate in the show and talk a lot ON camera. There's the camera director guy, an affable fellow by all outwardly appearances, but I was under the impression this show might be about a guy who holds a doctorate in Egyptology showing me interesting things on camera whilst the camera crew remains BEHIND camera.

Silly me.

So, what we have here is a very skilled Egyptologist, a bumbling airhead (think Suzanne Somers from "Three's Company") and a camera director and his crew getting in on the antics, kinda like "The Keystone Cops".

While this alone was quite enough for me to make the "WTF?" face, they decided a bit of Jerry Springer was what this show really needed.

And when I say "bit" I mean a "big dollop of".

Dr. Hawass, whom I have always respected before, either had been in the sun too long or he's been sniffing way too much mummy dust lately. This guy has taken "insane God complex" to the nth degree and added a bit of annoying on top of it. Oh, did I just say "bit" again? Sorry. See above statement.

He is yelling at the students, yelling at the camera guys, demeaning the students, demeaning the camera guys, yelling some more and then saying how much he knows and then demeans everyone some more. All the while he's doing this the cameras are rolling and we never really get to find out just how much he knows as he only spends about two minutes showing anything of interest.

One episode I saw had him yelling at the airhead student (sorry, not to demean her some more, but seriously, my cat knows more about Egypt than she does) because she couldn't hold her bladder on what turned out to be a much longer than "five-hour pyramid crawl-thru" to view five burial chambers. Not only was this girl terribly afraid of going further up, she did after all, have Dr. Hawass constantly yelling at her and reminding her of the plain fact that "every single expedition he'd been on...he never knew if he was GONNA DIE or not!" And if she wasn't going to risk her life that day she had no business choosing this field and she certainly wasn't going to be on any future "chamber of secrets" missions with him.

She had a mini-panic attack (understandably) and then she mysteriously (but predictably) showed up after the others crawled on further. Then, Dr. Hawass spent pretty much the next half hour chastising the poor girl for peeing her pants. "How dare you desecrate this sacred place!" he bellowed relentlessly at her. Then the camera director guy had his own panic attack and the next thing I knew - the credits were rolling.

Now I've never been on an archeological expedition, but if I'm going to go hang out in 120 degree heat in tiny little confines of burial chambers for five-plus hours I'd figure one would have to hydrate constantly. And when you hydrate constantly your kidneys do this thing...and then your bladder does this thing...and they don't exactly have public restrooms on "Burial Chamber #3" level, so I'd figure perhaps wearing a Depends-type undergarment would be of common, or at least practical, knowledge.

I tried watching a second episode the following week, but I had to turn it off. Dr. Hawass had them all sitting around in his hotel room or somewhere on big comfy chairs, which didn't seem remotely Egyptian to me, screaming at them some more in another of his previous episode-like egotistical rages.

Sigh.

Seriously, "History Channel" people, it's time to change the catch phrase from "History Made Every Day" to "History Made Unwatchable Every Day".

And, unfortunately, in my opinion, with this series debut, they officially "Jumped the Shark".

Theories About Doctors and Spies

Well, here I will sit all weekend long watching my "Doctor Who" DVDs I rented from Netflix...I also have seven hours and five minutes of "Doctor Who" shows I TiVo'd as BBC America had the good sense about them to have had a marathon last week (some tonite as well)...unlike a certain SyFy channel who couldn't bother to continue with their great tradition of back-to-back "Twilight Zone" episodes for days on end.

I asked my son to come out of his room last nite to talk about what to have for our 4th of July dinner. I'm not too sure if I will grill anything and Alex doesn't want to be bothered with the grilling chore at all; as manly a task as they lead you to believe it is. My daughter's been wanting me to make Beignets, so I guess at one point that will happen...I've only put off making them enough times that my Cafe Du Monde mix is now out of date...but since it's just basically flour and yeast...I'm willing to bet the yeast doesn't know if it's May 30th or July 3rd. Yes, I'm crazy that way...stand back...I'm a risk taker for sure.

So, because "Doctor Who" was playing, my son opted to sit down as well and, after watching the David Tennant "Doctor Who" episodes for a bit, he concluded Tennant was indeed better than the new one...altho the new one isn't bad. Mr daughter is a Tennant girl as well.

My thoughts? I'm still a Tom Baker Doctor kinda girl...and therein lies my theory.

My theory is that you like the Doctor you grew up with. Just as with James Bond...most people will tend to tell you the one they liked the best...was the one they grew up with. I liked the nice campy Bond of the 1970s...yes, don't start throwing rocks at me just yet; I can't help it, I like Roger Moore. I never thought Sean Connery was sexy until he was much older. Pierce Brosnan is hot...and the new Bond, Daniel Craig - eh...he reminds me of a much older Jason Bourne.

But back to The Doctors...I grew up with the toothy, maniacal, long-scarfed Tom Baker who elevated the show when he took it from the original droll military episodes each week and morphed the regimentation of the weekly array of Colonels and upper crust "old chaps" into something else entirely: being silly and fighting a whole different type of monster. When Baker left, a series of other doctors came and went...hardly catching a moment's glimpse of my attention until David Tennant.

David is THE best Doctor to have come along in ages. And now, his reign is no more and his replacement is this little wisp of a bow-tied man-child as the displaced Gallifreyan Time Lord. In fact Matt Smith is indeed the youngest Doctor they ever had. Matt had some big shoes to fill, but he seems to be filling them and running in them extremely well. The only issue I have is with his companion. While Amy Pool is awfully cute and makes nice eye candy for the gents...the show is being "Always About Amy" or "The Amy Show" and I don't like that. She should NOT be the most sought after possession in the whole universe. Time to give more air-time to the Doctor in my opinion. He is, after all...The Doctor.

And then it got me thinking last nite watching one of the David Tennant vs The Master (oh, how I love John Simm as The Master) episodes....that secondly to Bond's, "Bond, James Bond" phrase...announcing that you are "The Doctor" holds about...or dare I say perhaps more, distinction.

So, those of you who are familiar with both shows..."James Bond" and "Doctor Who"...who would you rather be? A time lord who saves the world or a spy babe magnet, who also, ironically, saves the world?

And which "Bond" and which "Doctor Who" do you like best? How about "Doctor Who Companions" vs "Bond Girls" for that matter...which one will always hold a fond place...in your...heart?

Monkey Sea Monkey Two

Okay, I've kept you all on the edge of your seats for a while now. And when I say "you all" it's not like the Southern "y'all"...it's more like the collective three of you who read my blog. But...the anticipation is going to be partly over soon...and soon you will know what I mean by "part"ly over.

The last blog I left you wondering about my Sea Monkey nurturing - will they hatch? Will they grow up and build a castle? Will they cling to the edge and die...or will they just sit on the windowsill totally forgotten as easily as I tend to forget about watering plants?

Well, first...yes, they did hatch. I had a bunch of those little squirmy things the size of microscopic lice in my Sea Monkey habitat. They really paled in comparison to the huge things my backyard pool grows in the off season...and speaking of comparisons...

...let's compare what the instructions for Sea Monkeys say vs what they really mean, shall we?

Sea Monkey instructions are a wonderful study of contradictions of sorts...as they rather are written with failsafe legal loopholes built in.

Apparently the Sea Monkey folks decided long ago that there's nothing more detrimental to the Sea Monkey business boom than a class action law suit filed by disgruntled Sea Monkey owner lawyers. Yes, when you stipulate that these things have an "Amazing 2 Year Warranty"...you have to, 1) Be able to stand behind it; and 2) Be certain that the majority of Sea Monkey owners are going to lose interest in these things in a fortnight.

Now I'm not claiming to be the brightest bulb in the chandelier nor the sharpest tool in the box, but I'm certainly not one fry short of a Happy Meal, neither.

If, for some reasons my little denizens of the sea fail to hatch or I fail to feed them or my cat drinks the water out of their bowl or whilst in the throes of wild monkey sex (not to be confused with Sea Monkey sex) knock the bowl on the floor and they all die...the fine folks at the Sea Monkey headquarters will send me a water purifier packet, a packet of Sea Monkey egg pouches (valued at the astronomical sum of $6.00) absolutely FREE! They will also send me the "Official" Sea Monkey Handbook (an additional $3.00 value)...also absolutely FREE! And all this will be sent to me FREE of charge if I send them a self-addressed stamped envelope and $3.00 for handling. Heck, that's a deal - as I incur absolutely NO SHIPPING CHARGES! How great is this??

But...even while I realize by doing the above I would have already paid the shipping charges...I have to wonder...so the instructions that came with MY Sea Monkeys were the...what?? UNofficial Sea Monkey Handbook? Certainly I must have been gypped with my original purchase not to have a genuine handbook. What I have is a measly 8 1/2 by 11 inch instruction sheet. Granted, it IS printed on both sides...but the more I look at it as I type this, the more I think it's not even a full 8 1/2 by 11. Seriously...what a letdown.

This flimsy excuse for a handbook goes on to try to convince me that I am to be congratulated on "becoming the owner of the most fantastic pets to ever live and breath!" Yes..."live and breath" is what it says...as apparently I can't hold any claim that they really aren't at all in the same league as my cats...as, well...my cats "breathe". Danged loophole again.

They further tell me that I'll have more fun with them than any sea creature I've ever owned. I don't know about you - but I've owned fish. Fish are pretty boring. They might be nice to look at, but it's not like you can pluck one out of the bowl and sit with it on the sofa. At least not without it smelling after a bit.

These little flecks of sea things will also reward me "with endless hours of pleasure and enjoyment" - and unlike make-believe toys, pet Sea Monkeys are really alive and ready and eager to put on a show. And unlike the insane lady who felt compelled to feed her Tamagotchi while driving...you probably won't kill a cyclist if you're too busy sitting at home, mesmerized, watching your Sea Monkeys.

I have to give the writers of the instructions some credit as they stopped short of saying they are the "Doctor Who of the millennia" - but they might have well said it with this ludicrous statement, "Sea Monkeys are real Time-Travellers asleep in biological time capsules for their strange journey into the future!" Hmmm...perhaps they can get Tom Baker to smile his toothy grin and hold up a packet of eggs and a TARDIS-like container to put them in. Hey...anything's possible - plus he probably hasn't been doing anything lately anyway.

But, wait...I gotta ask...aren't these things just brine shrimp? Once and for all...they aren't brine shrimp! Stop already! They are a "species" of brine shrimp...but they are unique. Not only do they claim to have unlocked the secrets of their life cycles - they've also hinted at creating some mutant sea thing: A hybrid they've crossbred (not unlike England's "Royal Family") but now they will grow larger and live longer than any "natural" variety of brine shrimp. Oh, yeah, they're royal for sure. In fact they mention something about Egyptian Kings in the literature they provided. So, chances are good my Sea Monkeys are blue-bloods -- you know...if they had blood.

My amazing two year warranty eludes to the assumption that my Sea Monkeys live at least two years...but just how long DO these things live? Well, according to my UNofficial 7 3/4" x 11" paper (yes, I just measured it), due to "new computer-driven processing technologies and ultra-pure, non-toxic chemicals, twice as many Sea Monkeys instantly hatch, grow larger and live longer than ever before". Wow! That's a mouthful...and impressive. But wait...just how long DO these things live? Apparently my instructions were not only written by Sea Monkey biologists but political biologists as well!

Now I know everyone is going green...and so's my Sea Monkey water...but that's for the next blog (yes...it's going to be a three-parter, folks). Some of you out there might be wondering..."Mutant royal brine shrimp? Just because they're hybrids...doesn't make them ecologically-friendly, ya know." But, let the fine folks at the Department of Sea Monkeys in Maryland assure you these things are really safe. So safe they can make this disclaimer: "Sea Monkeys are in no way harmful to humans or the environment. If they somehow find their way into natural water ways or sewer lines, they simply will not be able to survive."

So relax, everyone...if I "somehow" FLUSH THEM DOWN THE TOILET, they won't come out as giant alligators on the other end.



(Speaking of ends...stay tuned for Part 3 of my fantastic foray into the fascinating...oh, forget it...just stick around and read my last part when I write it, later on this week.)