A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

04 January 2012

Top Ten Things That Have Been Bugging Me

I've not written a blog in a while. I've not even tried.

It's my fault - I start doing other things like playing this online fake Scrabble game, or I sit around the house watching television, or I sit around wasting time on Facebook, or I sit around the house making up excuses...and then I get mad for not being scooped up by a prominent publishing house or movie studio, and I whine silently to a few of my friends (not so silently).

But, hey, it's the new year...time to put my aging butt in gear, right?

So, I sat and I thought and thought...or more like laid there and thought and thought...and I am drawing blanks left and right. I've come to the conclusion that nearly everything you can bring up, I've done some form of it in a blog already. Maybe I used up all my ideas...so I came up with this one instead...so be gentle as I know it's not going to be one of my best efforts.

A few things that have been rattling around in my brain...yes, they are in no order. So, let's just think of them as my "Top Ten Things That Have Bugged Me"...they aren't meant to be witty or funny...so if you're anticipating that, you'll be let down.

10. The 2011 Christmas "Doctor Who" show. C'mon Stephen Moffat...I waited like six months to see that??? I know you are capable of much better. I'd venture to say I'm capable of much better. Give me a shot, will ya? I'm older than you - respect your elders...hire me. I'll even do it for free...give me a friggen shot, okay? Please?

9. "Saturday Night Live", David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, hell, even Jay Leno...see #10 (only vary it to fit you)...a shot? Please? For free first - THEN you can hire me or fire me. Just one tiny little shot...that's all I'm asking. Oprah? Donald Trump? Rosie?? Someone?

8. To the "Dasani" water people (aka the "Coke" people) and the "Chick-Fil-A" people on Eastern Blvd in Montgomery, Alabama: You know what you did...it's been what, three years?? At least pay up for the Emergency Room visit already. (Yeah...I should write a blog about this - it's long so I can't put it here.)

7. You "Jersey" shows on television: I'm FROM Jersey...I never knew anyone who was like that in Jersey...stop making me seem like an idiot so no one hires me. Or hire me yourself...I promise I can be the idiot you are looking for in a writer.

6. Just to let everyone know...saggy boobs are "in" this year.

5. I didn't talk to my mother enough and I talked to her every single day. I should have written things down...the memories of what she told me of her youth in Belgium are getting muddy and I can't remember her voice so much. For everyone with a loved one...pay attention. Everyone tells you to pay attention and you don't realize they are right until after it's too late. My mother knew I loved her so I don't have to worry about that...but I miss the most stupid things...like the way she pronounced "Post Office"...and no one will ever say it like her again in my life. Ever.

4. All the people on those "person specific" news shows...like on CNN: STOP SHOUTING! If I can't hear you, I'll turn up the volume. Sheesh!

3. One day all you mean people will get your comeuppance. Personally, I'd like that day to be tomorrow.

2. Human beings should live longer...and have a nice exoskeleton so we're more impervious to the elements, like car crashes, bullets and crazy people in Walmart.

1. I know people believe in reading the Bible and things...like prayers. I have no issue with that whatsoever. However, I do have an issue with two things about that: a) Don't just memorize a dinner prayer if you're going to pray twice a year (you C&E people can relate)...make it come from the heart...make one up on the spot; somehow I don't think God will get mad if you improvise. b) That child's prayer which goes: "Now I lay me down to sleep...I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake...I pray the Lord my soul to take." That single-handedly creeped me out my entire life. Seriously...just think of an innocent child who has no concept of death yet...reading this. Now think of that same child a few years later, with a vague concept of death. This isn't so much a prayer anymore as it is a warning -- a good haunting one when you're just about to drift off to sleep: An 'Ooops...guess we forgot to mention it, Jimmy...God sends his boogeyman to take your soul at night while you're sleeping sometimes." I'm sorry...but this needs to be totally rethought out. It's not at all comforting and it's very, very, very scary. In fact, it's almost as scary as that first "Doctor Who" Weeping Angels episode Stephen Moffat wrote.

And with that...I've come full circle. "Happy 2012" everyone! :)


  1. Actually, that bedtime prayer creeped me out so bad that my mom rewrote it: Now I lay me down to sleep; I pray the Lord my soul to keep. When I awake another day, I pray the Lord will guide my way. My little sister never had to say it the creepy way. And I'm with you as fast as Leno is concerned. Sheesh, what a waste of time.

  2. I just changed the prayer around...

    "And if I wake before I die, I hope my mom has baked a pie."

    Less creepy, more optimistic.

  3. So it WAS creepy then and not just me? Whew! :)

  4. Very Good Marianne, Now here are some of my orginal quotes from 2011..

    "Let's go to the shoreline to see what a Tsunami looks like" Sum Ding Wong

    "Never practice unprotected sex with someone who works for you" Arnold (last name withheld)

    "They will never find me here" Osama Bin Laden

    "I knew Kim Kardashian's marriage wouldn't last that long...what a loser.." Sinad O'Conner

    "That lady Gaga is a real freak if you ask me" Charlie Sheen

    "I'm still not gay" Tom Cruise

    "My old lady and I are getting a divorce" Ashton Kutcher

    "I knew Sinad's marriage wouldn't last long...what a loser" Russell Brand

    "I would die if someone spread rumors about me" Jon Bon Jovi

    "I knew they would forget all about it by now" BP

  5. I actually found that sort of prayer comforting, and still do. However, I've got to say I really like Chris's re-writing, too.

    [fill in name of show] should snap you up quick, fast, and in a hurry. But you know that already.

    Happy New Year! And if you die before 2013, let's hope it's not a punctured spleen!

    (Nah. Chris's is still better.)

  6. Sully - Yep, I don't think too many could beat Chris' idea. Pie is always good...well, unless it's Sweet Potato or something.

    And I think (fill in name of show) should scoop up about three of us. I could tell them a couple names...you and Chris would be on the top of my list.

    Geoff - Cool, Craig Ferguson's robot reads my blog!

  7. Enjoyed this very much. Yes, the bedtime prayer is totally creepy.

  8. There are also a lot more things that bother me...but I thought no one would want to read a blog as long as "War and Peace".

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  10. Hooray for a new blog post!

    this made me laugh out loud:

    "6. Just to let everyone know...saggy boobs are "in" this year."


  11. Saggy boobs are "in" everything...your oatmeal, your soup...you know what I mean.