A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

18 July 2010

Hollywood Lights

So I'm sitting here watching the "X-Men Wolverine: Origins" movie and I'm perplexed as to which super powers this "Gambit" guy has...so I Google it up.

Apparently, according to Wiki, Gambit (and I always thought he was a girl in the comic books) "Possesses the power to manipulate kinetic energy, as well as hypnotic charm. He's also skilled in card-throwing, hand-to-hand combat, and the use of a staff". He also used to be a smoker in the comic books and so was Wolverine...but, of course, as no one can be seen smoking anymore, they made them both quit. Wolverine still chomps away at cigars in the films...but, hey, he can't get hurt...so no harm done, right?

So, I'm thinking...hmmmm...if I'm a kid trying to emulate Gambit - I can see this line of reasoning unfold:

Geez, I'm no good at card throwing...can't get a single one of them to go inside that hat on the floor. I have absolutely no clue what kinetic energy is, so I probably don't have that. I never win any arm-wrestling contests, so that's right out...and I've failed to hypnotize my three-year-old sister altho I did manage to get her to throw up once...but that's only because I told her the spaghetti she just ate was actually worms. As far as that staff thing goes...well, I can't even hit a friggen baseball. But...

...I can take up smoking and be
just like Gambit!

I'm always amazed at reasoning.

There's people...correction, mutants...with giant blade claws and teeth and some with powers of invisibility and others that can shove their bare hand up the business end of a tank's grenade launcher barrel...causing it to blow up from the inside out, and of course, walk away totally unscathed. There's a guy with laser eyes and people...er mutants...who basically can't die no matter how many times you stab, throw them into things, or shoot them with your guns...but heaven forbid one of them is also SMOKING when he's tossing back a few brewskies or whiskeys at the end of the day down at some sleazy logging bar that caters to low-lifes and mutants.

So the thing that gets the ax...is smoking? The body count is about 497 and that's just fine and dandy; hell, even Wolverine just had some wild sex with the "powers of persuasion" chick. That's all okie dokie...just as long as there's no post-coital light-ups.

It used to be common knowledge that the code in much older films for "we just had sex" was the "fade to black" gradually panning back to some dual smoking scene. The sex wasn't shown but the deep cigarette inhalations were. Nowadays, the sex is shown but the cigarettes aren't. Go figure.

Oh, well...let your kids turn into gun toting, card playing, knife brandishing, authority rebelling little mutants...because that's acceptable. And while your little Pyro-emulating kid is testing out what he can do with fire, just make sure the cigarettes are way out of reach, because lighting up one of those can sure get him in a heep of trouble.

And, kids, if you're gambling on things illegally (especially in this town), be careful; you could possibly end up in jail...buying privileges with packs of smokes. Oh, wait...but you wouldn't know anything about that. A fine up-standing non-smoker like yourself - never seeing it on television or movies...well, I'm sure if you think real hard, you can find something else to trade while you're in there.

Well, it seems we've now come full circle...and if Hollywood would allow me to show you that circle, they'd look a little like this:

I best tone this down or I'll probably be attacked by the anti-smoking coalition campaign people...or maybe I'm just blowing smoke up your...but...read this if you didn't know it already.


  1. LOL! You don't watch South Park do you? They did an episode on Carl Reiner & the anti-smoking nazis that was very funny. I personally don't smoke, don't like being around smoke either; but I hate anything that eliminates our hard earned (God Given after years of fighting) freedom.


  2. While I personally believe that keeping smoking from being "glorified" is a good thing, there's just no getting around the hypocrisy. You're right, with everything ELSE kids are exposed to, the occasional cigarette doesn't seem all that big a deal.

  3. This is hysterical! I don't think smoking should be glamorized either, but hey, between seeing somebody smoke a cigarette or somebody getting killed, I opt for the cig as less harmful for kids to watch. But did you like the movie?

  4. Moanna - You are right - I don't watch South Park (watched it twice and didn't like it - maybe the two worst episodes?) I'm going to have to check that episode out, tho. Thanks! :)

    Chris - I just think with the 519 other things they show which seem like a much worse influence, a little puff now and again pales in comparison.

    Linda - Thanks for dropping by. Yes, I watched the film a couple times - but never saw the first 30 minutes of it before (for some odd reason)...so parts of it made a LOT more sense to me now. And, you probably don't know this unless you've read my other blogs, but anything with Hugh Jackman in it...I pretty much watch. Not that I always pay attention to the movie...but each time he's on the screen I look up from my computer! ROFL He is quite a treat sensation for the eyes if you ask me. ;)

  5. Agreed, on all counts. As a smoker, I would no more urge someone to take it up than I would urge someone to take up stabbing themselves in the eye, but the hysteria surrounding its presentation in popular culture is just absurd.

  6. Hugh, I thought I was the only one who noticed what Hugh looks like! I've seen more than one Wolverine movie (and that's not the genre I usually like). He rocks!

  7. sadly, the romance of an after sex ciggie has gone the way of the Dodo

  8. Heaven help me, Nanners, I first read this as "...after sex ciggie has gone the way of the Dildo."


  9. Pretty damn funny, Mariann, and spot on, too. Our kids can drink, do drugs, kill Nazi Zombies by the truckload, screw with wild abandon and watch porn all night long on their computers, but they can't touch cigarettes. It's enough to make me want to take up smoking.