A Bit About Me

My photo
Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

10 August 2008

The "Dating Game" (Part 2 of 3)

And what IS this preoccupation you men people have with breasts? It doesn't matter if they look as fake as two grapefruit halves shoved under some tightly stretched skin...you still crave them. If the woman bleaches her hair to that totally unnatural shade of blonde (c'mon, there's a reason Crayola doesn't have that colour in the box...please pick a shade that actually registers in our spectrum) and then cackles at the top of her lungs like the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz...as long as she's packing some 'boobage'...she can do no wrong.

But when those puppies start going south...

...well, let me give you a scenario which has happened to me a few times. True scenarios. They kinda go like this: "You could always get a tummy tuck and a boob job IF you won the Lottery." "IF you got a boob job you'd be happier." "Would you get a boob job if you could afford it?" And yes...they were all uttered by men.

You know...after living 47 years I'd like to think people are above looking at me below the neck...but it just isn't so. Sure...there are those of you out there with husbands, boyfriends - or ARE husbands and boyfriends...who are probably shaking your heads in disagreement with me right now saying "well, that isn't ME"...well, it might not be YOU...but look around. You are deluding yourself if you don't think that's the prevalent thought in man-stream (and main-stream) society.

I run across nice women every day. Really nice women. Women of all ages. And don't fool yourselves - we talk about you guys. We flat out slam ya. Yup, we do. Oh, if we could take a vote tomorrow to have you guys voted off the island...let me ask just one thing? Have you ever heard of the
Amazons in Greek mythology?

Regardless of a bitter hatred of all things men (oh...c'mon, surely I jest), there's a couple other things these women have in common. They are nice, smart, and funny - but they aren't all "Barbie-doll" perfect.

Let me clue all you guys in...most of you aren't up to Antonio Banderas-par neither. But I have yet to hear any woman say "ya know...if he'd only have liposuction or some type of implant..." - and what would you guys say if we started preaching how much better YOU'D feel if YOU had a little work done?

I'm not speaking out of turn. Look at those magazines and Internet celebrity sites all over the place. They pick on Uma Thurman for being a bit "saggy" or Jennifer Love Hewitt for having a big butt. Geez the woman weighs 100 lbs...it's against the laws of physics for her to be ABLE to have a big butt. But I never see "oh look at Matthew McConaughey...he's going to need a pec lift soon", "Brad sure is in desperate need of electrolysis" or "ya know - in retrospect...Sean Connory DID make an unsexy Bond".

Those tables sure are turned when it comes to women and their bodies...no wonder we aren't content...no wonder we feel like we can never live up to our expectations...we can't live up to anyone's. And that is JUST not fair.

We live in a society which tells our daughters to be happy with the body God gave them...that they aren't overweight, that their chests are just the right size and that they will grow into their noses...then we turn around and nip and tuck and shove implants (or wish we could) in our own bodies - or, worse yet, tell our wives or girlfriends to do it...to achieve something we can never get back: our own youth. No, a BETTER youth..."better" than the one we originally had.

We are such hypocrites.

(Part 3 tomorrow...and yes, that will be the conclusion...I promise.)


  1. I didn't like your breast post because it didn't say anything new. Yeah, yeah, we know. Sometimes the hormones does the thinking, not the brain, then the silly results. But it does serve a function, or at least can be fun.

    Anyway, I would date you.

  2. Can anything really new be said about breasts?

    Yeah...I agree with you tho, this blog wasn't my best...but it's always fun to see what I'll come up with when the Ambien starts kicking in. :)

    And you probably (would} only want to date me because I have boobs. ;)

  3. Interesting to read your blog (which I found through the Bulwer-Lytton site) right after reading the '05 B-L winner (comparing breasts to carburetors)! Wonder what Dan McKay's reaction to your post would be?

  4. Dan actually plays my comedy site, www.HumorMeOnline.com - in fact, if I'm not mistaken (and I've known to be - once or 3000 times) - he found out about the Bulwer through it.

    He's also pretty darned good at it...altho most of his entries don't contain the word "breast" or "carburetor"...as we really are more of an "ass" site in general. ;)

  5. Dead wrong. I would date you because of your literary prowess. I mean, after reading your winning line, one is left wondering, gee is there more of THAT in this woman?

    Imagine if you will, a cool evening, a lovely dinner, glass of some wine, and some dancing. The date coming to a close, and then an attempt... to put into words the feelings...but what comes out, so clumsy, so horrific...that it is good, like an ugly Betty but in words.

    Also I kind of liked your candid description of your situation, I found the candidness a bit touching. But the breast commentary lacking imagination.

    But, supposing that nothing new could be said...lack of imagination.