"Hey, let's talk about sex!"

Give me any woman and ten minutes...and it will lead to sex.

Well, not actual sex, mind you, but the conversation will eventually end up with us talking about some facet of sex. I'm almost convinced I've had more sex talks than Dr. Ruth and Dr. Laura Berman have...COMBINED.

There's something about complete anonymity which people seem comfortable enough about, to start spilling out their most private details right there at the card, produce or coffee section in the supermarket.

These are women of all ages - all ethnicities and all social statures. For some reason I must come across as a great sex therapist, as this has been going on with me for ages. Maybe it's my talkative nature, maybe it's my ease to listen and actually pay attention at the same time...maybe it's just that a whole lot of women like to talk about sex with complete strangers. Who knows?

All I know is that 98 percent of women out there (based on my "research in the field")...are not at all satisfied with their sex lives and/or their partners. Oh, they all go home and act like they are...or maybe they don't; but if it's any indication of the information I've been told, women clearly aren't in happy relationships...sexual or otherwise.

"Why do these anniversary cards have to say, 'You're the best thing that ever happened to me?' or 'You make my life complete.' or 'You're the best husband a wife could ever wish for!' ...why can't there just be generic 'Happy Anniversary' cards without any sentiment on them, whatsoever?"

Oh yes, I've been privy to that conversation a zillion times. Do you know how incredibly hard it is for these women to actually pick out a card? There's not many "un-sappy, un-gushing, un-laden with sexual innuendo" cards to choose from. And the ones that do fit that bill...look like "Here, Bob...you shoulda bought this yourself and saved me the trouble." Nothing in between. But I guess Hallmark wouldn't make too many sentimental brownie points if they had the "Andy Rooney Line of Anniversary Cards"...

"Whatever happened to our marriage? How come you don't do anything nice for me anymore? You don't think socks just pick themselves up DO you? Oh yes...all the waitresses in the best restaurants LOVE to be reminded that you could BUY the whole bottle for the price they charge for two glasses. Class like yours only comes with age...and we've been married HOW LONG, again??"

Those Hallmark gems aren't in the aisle you'll be looking thru. You'll be finding couples who look nothing like you holding hands, hiking; in a yacht, cuddling beneath a starlit sky, and for some reason - worshipping the game of golf.

Pay attention next time you go card shopping...on the surface it looks like it's only a sea of blank faces faced with the daunting task of choosing "just the right card". But...look closely...their apparent blank gazes twitch and grimace...and do that "eye roll" thing...and if you're very quiet, you can even hear a little whimper sounding like "yeah right" spoken under their breath. And these are the people I speak to because you can always spot them...they are there, and by the third or fourth card (like that third or fourth drink)...they're willing to open up to anyone who will listen.

It's really quite disconcerting when you come to think of it -- a whole slew of people so dissatisfied with their lives, secretly confiding in someone they know they'll never see again about a topic they probably rarely ever talk to anyone else about. It's sad that they're pouring their hearts out to someone who really doesn't matter to them...about something that...really does matter.

Apparently it also matters to over 50 percent of Americans...as they wind up divorced. Many get divorced, directly or indirectly, because of sex: the lack of it, the incompatibility over it, the infidelity because of it...the list is literally endless. And the stigma attached to talking to someone in a clinical setting about it...is most likely the key factor as to why so many women are tight-lipped about it.

Except, of course, when they run across a talkative perceptive stranger in some beauty salon, TJ Maxx, the doctor's office, Fresh Market, or any store with a card aisle.



(Originally written, but not published, about three years ago.)

The "Dating Game" (Part 2 of 3)

And what IS this preoccupation you men people have with breasts? It doesn't matter if they look as fake as two grapefruit halves shoved under some tightly stretched skin...you still crave them. If the woman bleaches her hair to that totally unnatural shade of blonde (c'mon, there's a reason Crayola doesn't have that colour in the box...please pick a shade that actually registers in our spectrum) and then cackles at the top of her lungs like the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz...as long as she's packing some 'boobage'...she can do no wrong.

But when those puppies start going south...

...well, let me give you a scenario which has happened to me a few times. True scenarios. They kinda go like this: "You could always get a tummy tuck and a boob job IF you won the Lottery." "IF you got a boob job you'd be happier." "Would you get a boob job if you could afford it?" And yes...they were all uttered by men.

You know...after living 47 years I'd like to think people are above looking at me below the neck...but it just isn't so. Sure...there are those of you out there with husbands, boyfriends - or ARE husbands and boyfriends...who are probably shaking your heads in disagreement with me right now saying "well, that isn't ME"...well, it might not be YOU...but look around. You are deluding yourself if you don't think that's the prevalent thought in man-stream (and main-stream) society.

I run across nice women every day. Really nice women. Women of all ages. And don't fool yourselves - we talk about you guys. We flat out slam ya. Yup, we do. Oh, if we could take a vote tomorrow to have you guys voted off the island...let me ask just one thing? Have you ever heard of the Amazons in Greek mythology?

Regardless of a bitter hatred of all things men (oh...c'mon, surely I jest), there's a couple other things these women have in common. They are nice, smart, and funny - but they aren't all "Barbie-doll" perfect.

Let me clue all you guys in...most of you aren't up to Antonio Banderas-par neither. But I have yet to hear any woman say "ya know...if he'd only have liposuction or some type of implant..." - and what would you guys say if we started preaching how much better YOU'D feel if YOU had a little work done?

I'm not speaking out of turn. Look at those magazines and Internet celebrity sites all over the place. They pick on Uma Thurman for being a bit "saggy" or Jennifer Love Hewitt for having a big butt. Geez the woman weighs 100 lbs...it's against the laws of physics for her to be ABLE to have a big butt. But I never see "oh look at Matthew McConaughey...he's going to need a pec lift soon", "Brad sure is in desperate need of electrolysis" or "ya know - in retrospect...Sean Connory DID make an unsexy Bond".

Those tables sure are turned when it comes to women and their bodies...no wonder we aren't content...no wonder we feel like we can never live up to our expectations...we can't live up to anyone's. And that is JUST not fair.

We live in a society which tells our daughters to be happy with the body God gave them...that they aren't overweight, that their chests are just the right size and that they will grow into their noses...then we turn around and nip and tuck and shove implants (or wish we could) in our own bodies - or, worse yet, tell our wives or girlfriends to do it...to achieve something we can never get back: our own youth. No, a BETTER youth..."better" than the one we originally had.

We are such hypocrites.


(Part 3 tomorrow...and yes, that will be the conclusion...I promise.)