A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

01 August 2008

Dying To Get To Sleep?

This is something somewhat silly (and hopefully somewhat entertaining) I wrote back in January 2006. What jogged my memory of this long-forgotten piece you may ask? Well, I was reading blogs here (yeah...I sometimes do indeed read other people's blogs...and sometimes I comment on them, too - hint hint) and I came across chernandez's blog about the Stephen King novel, "Insomnia"...and that got me thinking about the little comedy snippet I wrote about his book after I had picked it up at the librar... well, you can read it for yourselves below. As for Ms. Hernandez...and anyone else I don't coerce into reading my blogs: Thanks for reading...AND commenting on them...thank you very, very much.

So, anybody here have trouble sleeping?

I seriously have problems sleeping...which I've had since as far back as I can remember. Tried relaxing, warm milk, cold vodka...NOTHING works. So, I figure I'll go and read a book...you know, you read some...you get tired...you fall asleep. That old wives' tale.

I drive on over to the Wetumpka library because, one...it's close; two...I have a card, and, three (mainly, three)...you can pick up used books there for like a quarter...and I picked up a few, including one massive one by Stephen King called "Insomnia". Well, I'm no genius, but I figure the reason most of these books are for sale for less than a buck is because no one wants to read books with more pages than the Encyclopedia Britannica and the Warren Commission's report on the JFK assassination - COMBINED. But, first and foremost, who's going to want to read some horror book about not sleeping when they're trying to sleep?? Just what the hell was he thinking?? Oh wait...I said "hell". Can I say that here? Well, regardless...that's a whole OTHER story he wrote.

But I've got to hand it to Mr. King...he thinks of an everyday happening and then makes a scary as anything story out of it. The way I see it, he's sitting there in his home at the typewriter...yellowing-at-the-edges disturbingly gruesome crayon drawings his kids drew long ago tacked up behind him on a cork memoboard, going..."Dogs...YES! Really...mean...dog. Really...mean...RABID dog...Cujo! Corn. People like corn, right? How about kids AND corn? Kids IN corn? Hmmm...children OF the corn? Oooh...what else do people like to do? Drive...yeah...Christine...okay...how about talk on their cell phones...I got it! "Cell"!

Okay, so let me get this all straight. I can't want things, can't get on an airplane, can't lose weight, can't have a dog, can't ever bury anything behind my house if anything were to die, can't eat corn or talk on my cell phone...forget about talking on my phone IN the car...and I'll never sleep again IN a hotel...especially IF I read "Insomnia".

What's next? A horror story about a toilet?

Oh, gee...thank you, Mr. King.


  1. Done it. Try Dreamcatcher's scary toilet scene. Seriously. I was afraid to crap for about a week.

    Nevermind that the toilet leads to the sewer where IT lives. "We all float down here!"

    The man can make anything scary and sinister and gross.

  2. Figures - but at least the whole book doesn't center around a toilet...does it? Oh...can you guess I don't like watching or reading scary things, otherwise I'd have already known this.