A Messy House Could Save Your Life

A new German study conducted by the Schlaswursen Clinic in Wiesbaden, Germany, has found out that housework can actually be hazardous to your health.

"We've always been told that a clean and tidy house is the ideal standard." Dr. Karl Gottschald stated before a symposium of colleagues in Lucerne, Switzerland this past Friday. "We have found a marked correlation between hospital visits and housekeeping.", Gottschald continued.

The study states something which isn't entirely new, but the mechanism behind the facts has exposed something which has not come to light until just recently, which is:  Most falls which occur in the house are done when trying to clean, typically in the bathtub and lifting/moving furniture when trying to vacuum beneath them.

In the past, it was assumed that these falls in the bath were done when bathing or showering, but that is not the case; they occur when trying to clean the tub and the shower.  "That's when most serious slips happen; it's very rare to find a patient seeking help while in the nude.  They are typically fully clothed when the paramedics arrive at the scene or when they enter hospital on their own for treatment." Dr. Janus Rothchilds, from Aerohospital Sud in Geneva, Switzerland said.  "Lifting injuries, as well as sometimes fatal cranial ones, tend to occur when people reach to get something down from a high place to dust around it.  They strain the wrong way or fall from ladders all the time.  If they just let the dust accumulate, these accidents would be totally avoided." Rothschild stated.

The study went on to find that most hazards in the house were slipping from cleaning tubs/shower enclosures and mopping floors, and falls from standing on ladders to clean on top of shelving.

"These things simply do not have to be done.  People can learn to live in houses with dust and germs. In fact other studies have proven a germ-free environment makes us prone to more infection. This is the science behind why antibacterial soap for the home has been discontinued from the market." Gottschald said.

"In fact, we're nearly done with our newest study which will conclusively prove that a house with more clutter causes less injuries than one which is free of debris." Dr. Lars Schmidt from Schlaswursen Clinic announced.  "People tend to be a bit more careful when they walk when they know they can hit their foot on something or trip and fall; those in cleaner houses walk faster and with less eye contact with the floor, which then leads to more broken toes.  Also, the plain reality is that a highly waxed kitchen or bathroom floor actually causes more hip injuries from slips and falls than all ice-related ones combined."

Schmidt ended the lecture by saying, "While we are not telling people they never have to clean again, we are telling them a little dirt never hurt anyone, in fact it might save just your life."



A similar study in 2005, conducted at Kingston University in London, extolled the virtues of the unmade bed. 

A New Strain of Rabies: Of Mammoth Importance

Anyone who remembers watching The Discovery Channel's "Raising the Mammoth" a few years back will know these things had fur and meat on them. They were literally big frozen Mammothcicles and they got them out of the ice in one big block.

Well, preliminary data is all but done with - with a few newer tests as more scientific data becomes available and invented. That's all good. The bad part is that a completely archaic strain of rabies has been released by accident in the lab when the Iditarod pack of dogs started chowing down on some tasty meaty bones. It was not until one of the dogs bit their handler when they realized the present-day shots did nothing to stop this unknown archaic strain. The dog was put down and the handler was given a series of the shots, twice, to try to counteract this unheard of strain.

Rabies is pretty much 99.9% fatal if not treated early...once it progresses there is no turning it back. Only two people in recorded history have ever survived a rabies bite without getting the shots. Death by rabies is not at all pleasant. No word yet on how the doubling up on shots is working. "It's still too early to tell," said Dr. Ben Rudolph, one of the paleoscientists spearheading the project. "This certainly was an unforeseen event, but a lucky one that it happened here in isolation and not when we got back to the labs in California and Reston, Virginia." Reston being the scene of the breakout of monkey Ebola in 1987, in which they were not certain if the strain cross species or was even airborne.

Could anything go wrong with this? "We feel certain we've done all we could and all dogs remain in isolation at the Northern Base. One did have to be killed in order to ascertain the diagnosis of this form of "new old" rabies. It's a very thrilling time for us...so witness a disease which might have been responsible for deaths of many animals, including human. This is what we live for, we hope for things like this, but few never happen, at least not too many that get leaked out like this one was." Dr. Timothy Scheleppe added.

Dr. Scheleppe issued this statement to the press:

"There's not a whole lot of way to get rabies...but we're not positive with this one, so that's why we are treating it with the utmost respect. We have issued a recall with the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the "Mammoth Skin Chews" distributed at various Petsmart and Petco stores in the United Stated and Canada, Great Britain, Hong Kong, Sydney, Australia, parts of Portugal, Iceland, New Zealand, and the Maldives. The FDA's home site will have more info about how to properly collect the sample and place into a haz-bag for shipping. All materials will be sent to those individuals who have them (or pieces of them left) - information can be found at the FDA's site. Until you get your haz-bag we ask that you do not touch the area and wear gloves and vigorously scrub any area that it might have come into contact with - with distilled vinegar after which a mild corrosive known primarily to acid wash/etch in ground concrete/gunite pools. All this info is listed on the FDA's site.

We do not recommend anyone be in the room until it has been safely and properly cleaned up. All clothing and shoes, rugs, and other items which have come into contact with it should not be sat on or worn. We recommend waiting for the larger "haz-bags" to get sent to you before you go into any of those rooms.

But, otherwise, there have been no reports other than the first incident. Most incidents will take place within 10-20 days from the initial contact with Mammoth Skin Chews. We ask that do you not return them to the store of purchase at this time.

Thank you."

A New Strain of Rabies: Of Mammoth Importance

Anyone who remembers watching "Discovery Channel's" "Raising the Mammoth" a few years back will know these things had fur and meat on them. They were literally big frozen Mammothcicles and they got them out of the ice in one big block.

Well, preliminary data is all but done with - with a few newer tests as more scientific data becomes available and invented. That's all good. The bad part is that a completely archaic strain of rabies has been released by accident in the lab when the Iditarod pack of dogs started chowing down on some tasty meaty bones. It was not until one of the dogs bit their handler when they realized the present-day shots did nothing to stop this unknown archaic strain. The dog was put down and the handler was given a series of the shots, twice, to try to counteract this unheard of strain.

Rabies is pretty much 99.9% fatal if not treated early...once it progresses there is no turning it back. Only two people in recorded history have ever survived a rabies bite without getting the shots. Death by rabies is not at all pleasant. No word yet on how the doubling up on shots is working. "It's still too early to tell," said Dr. Ben Rudolph, one of the paleoscientists spearheading the project. "This certainly was an unforeseen event, but a lucky one that it happened here in isolation and not when we got back to the labs in California and Reston, Virginia." Reston being the scene of the breakout of Monkey Ebola in 1987, in which they were not certain if the strain cross species or was even airborne.

Could anything go wrong with this?

"We feel certain we've done all we could and all dogs remain in isolation at the Northern Base. One did have to be killed in order to ascertain the diagnosis of this form of "new old" rabies. It's a very thrilling time for us...so witness a disease which might have been responsible for deaths of many animals, including human. This is what we live for, we hope for things like this, but few never happen, at least not too many that get leaked out like this one was." Dr. Timothy Scheleppe added.

Dr. Scheleppe issued this statement to the press:

"There's not a whole lot of way to get rabies, but we're not positive with this one, so that's why we are treating it with the utmost importance. We have issued a recall with the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the "Mammoth Skin Chews" distributed at various Petsmart and Petco stores in the United Stated and Canada, Great Britain, Hong Kong, Sydney, Australia, parts of Portugal, Iceland, New Zealand, and the Maldives. The FDA's home site will have more info about how to properly collect the sample and place into a haz-bag for shipping. All materials will be sent to those individuals who have them (or pieces of them left) - information can be found at the FDA's site. Until you get your haz-bag we ask that you do not touch the area and wear gloves and vigorously scrub any area that it might have come into contact with - with distilled vinegar after which a mild corrosive known primarily to acid wash/etch in ground concrete/gunite pools. All this info is listed on the FDA's site.

We do not recommend anyone be in the room until it has been safely and properly cleaned up. All clothing and shoes, rugs, and other items which have come into contact with it should not be sat on or worn. We recommend waiting for the larger "haz-bags" to get sent to you before you go into any of those rooms.

But, otherwise, there have been no reports other than the first incident. Most incidents will take place within 10-20 days from the initial contact with Mammoth Skin Chews. We ask that do you not return them to the store of purchase at this time.

Thank you."

No, Virginia, There Is No Santa Claus

Below is the never before published "private" reply to  eight-year-old Virginia O'Hanlon's letter to The (New York) Sun asking if there was indeed such a person as Santa Claus.  This private reply was written by the paper's editor, Francis Pharcellus Church, and hand delivered to Virginia by courier shortly after the "cleaned up" version was published on 21 September 1897.

Francis Pharcellus Churd hand delivered by courier on behalf of the paper shortly after their "cleaned up" version was printed on 21 September 1897.

Virginia's beloved letter (suspected of actually being written by her father -- who is oft-times regarded as the "Founder of the 'Viral Video' of His Day") is known far and wide as one of the most heartfelt and touching dialogues ever printed -- predating "Dear Abby" and paving the way for the popular "Question and Answer" segments featured in countless newspapers and magazines, world-wide.  

This never before disclosed discourse is as follows:

Dear Editor—

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O'Hanlon
115 West Ninety Fifth Street

No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus.

Forgive me for being so blunt, but...the fact of the matter is -- there is no Santa Claus.  Your "little friends" are right; your parents have misguided you...and you trusted them.  This parent/child bond is now forever broken and, sadly, one day you will probably need therapy.  And when I say "one day", I mean...you will need years and years of weekly therapy by a trained psychoanalyst, at the unheard of fee of $30.00 per session to rid you of your trust issues. 

Honestly, from this point onward, you will look back and wonder -- while you are lazily gazing out of your classroom's window, years from now -- when you are lying, spent, on your back looking up at the ceiling after a lover's encounter, or tomorrow -- when you are in bed, head under the covers, trying to fall asleep...those thoughts will creep into your mind and you will undoubtedly have flashbacks of various things your parents have assured you about over the years. 

Things such as: 

"Am I really an only child?" 

"The Easter Bunny - another sham to make me behave?" 

"Did my pet goldfish really safely swim out of his bowl to the East River to be reunited with his family that one day when I went to grandma's for tea?" 

"Are there really no monsters under my bed, especially now, because I'm lying wide awake in my bed for hours on end, and...for some inexplicable reason my father and mother always close the door after they shun my requests for a kiss 'goodnight' -- and, would they even hear my muffled cries for help if a monster got me?"

Absolute poppycock and pure hogwash, Virginia!  In fact...chances are that's not even your REAL name.  By that I mean -- yes, it's your name now...but, before you were adopted (and by this abject refusal of affection your "parents" deny you, chances are good you aren't even remotely related to them...or perhaps you are the bastard child of that aunt they never speak of) it was probably something else.  But, it might have been Elsie or Gertrude, so consider yourself lucky, in a way.

Lastly, there are probably no monsters under your bed...but this made up creepy fat guy in a red suit shimmying down your chimney to gain access into your house just to poke around in your sock drawer because he has a stocking fetish...well, let's just say the monsters are the least of your worries, my dear!

In closing, I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your life, trudging onward from this point, being hounded by the press and taunted by your so-called "little friends" up until the day you die -- as I'm going to publish your full name and address in our paper, haha!

Or as "Santa" would say (if he existed, but my dear delusional child...rest assured, as best you can in your bed, late at night -- the very same bed without the monster under it -- he certainly does not) -- "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

-- Regards, F. P. Church, Editor

Stuffing vs Dressing

The following is an homage to Facebook quizzes and the age-old "Stuffing vs Dressing" debate.  I hope you enjoy it as much as your tryptophan high.


Which Thanksgiving side dish are you?

You are stuffing. That's right, you are stuffing, not dressing. Dressing is what you pour on a salad and it has flavours like "Blue Cheese" and "Thousand Island". Have you ever eaten Thousand Island dressing inside a turkey? It's not good. It's hideous. That's why you probably won't find one recipe for it online, unless it was written by your drunk, gun-wielding uncle whose name was Bob. Everyone used to have a drunk uncle named Bob...until that commercial for erectile dysfunction came out and everyone laughed at "Smiling Bob" as he was doing things like getting "a new swing on life" with his golf-loving lady friends and had a smirk on his face that made Bruce Willis' look like he was sucking on a lemon...a lemon which used to be sucked on by Rene Zellweger (with her cute scrunchy visage) until she got her face all whack by "not having" plastic surgery.

Lemon, by the way, you can shove up a turkey's butt and is tasty, but Lemon Joy dishwashing detergent, not so much. Remember that time in the mid-1970s where you actually tasted that strawberry "Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific" shampoo? It was friggen awful! That's why you don't see Lemon Pledge commercials anymore as people were probably inadvertently huffing it and dying. Thanks a lot, Lemon Pledge, as now I have that song, "Lemon Pledge, very pretty, put the shine down lemon good..." stuck in my head. Face it...she was inhaling WAY too much of this product to be that happy whilst dusting.

And, if your friends give you any grief over calling it stuffing...well, tell them to shove it! Shove it where the sun don't shine because no one uses Lemon Pledge anymore!

Remembering Robin

One year ago I was sitting on my butt on an ugly sofa in a pretty nice apartment feeling sorry for myself. If you don't know the story -- here it is in a nutshell: A tree fell on my house a little over a year ago - the end of June in 2014. It barely missed my son as he sat in front of his computer in his bedroom. You really don't want to have a tree fall on your house -- the impact is something you will never forget and the fright which I felt -- not knowing where to go or what to do...well, is something I would not want to have anyone feel. The sofa and apartment, all all other amenities save for clothing and personal belongings was provided to my son, my daughter, and myself through my insurance company. They let you "have" stuff until you move back into your house. In my case it took nearly a year -- a divorce and a re-divorce (yes, there is such a thing), no job, no parents (or relatives to speak of other than my children), a contractor issue, and kitties in a boarding place...really gets old after awhile and gets to be quite depressing. Really depressing.

But not as depressing as the news of the day - which was Robin Williams' death

I remember the first time I saw Robin -- it was on some "Evening at the Improv" or some such show which aired really late on television on the weekend. You know the kind -- they had about five comics coming on, each doing their bit -- and, if you're lucky, you laugh. Comedians were a mainstay on "The Carson Show" and "Letterman" back in the day, and, back in the day, they had three channels and you waited all weekend for things like cartoons and comedy shows. They didn't have cable - they didn't have cussing -- and they didn't have overly sensitive politically correct comedians coming on and trying in vain to entertain you.

Anyway, this was a hair's breadth away from seeing Robin (and, yes, who wasn't on a first-name basis with the man) make his "Happy Days" debut and then get catapulted into TV sitcom fame with "Mork and Mindy". A couple people came on beforehand and then Robin hit the stage...and he hit it like a bolt of lightning.

Out of the blue this guy came on and television was never the same.

Now there were stand-up comedians before and after...but not with the (again with the) lightning wit of Robin (in my opinion). Whenever Robin was on a talk show, you knew you were in for a treat. Some people seemed to never "get" him and others just couldn't get enough OF him. I fell into the latter category.

So, naturally, when the news broke...I broke down into tears. I'm in tears typing this. What a sad, sad day in history...but...let's put aside the sadness and also the rules of this group...and please share some of your fondest memories of the wonderful, irreplaceable Robin Williams, below.

 

(The spacing is odd again...I wanted it to use the justified way, but, it reverted back to this and I can't change it up again.  One day I will go on over to Wordpress.  Does anyone know Wordpress well enough to talk me through a set-up?")

Five Tips for Approaching Men in Real Life -- My Version

So, I'm sitting here minding my own business on Facebook a few minutes ago...when this story popped up on my Facefeed...so, naturally, I decided to make fun of it.  I don't know how things like this get published and I certainly hope they got paid what I thought it was worth to write it. Seriously...people get actual real money for this drivel?  I also hope you enjoy it somewhat...and, yes, feel free to share it.  Share it on Reddit and Twitter and hashtag sites and MomMe and every other damn website that could possibly start paying me to write content for them.  Whatever that Grumpy Cat person did?  Do that.  Do that a lot for me.  Yes, I'm dead serious. 

I think you have to read their article first and then mine for it to make any real sense...so...just skip down first and then scroll back up when you've read it and then read mine.  This was written by Lisa Copeland...who, I'm thinking, is a self-professed "Dating Coach for Women Over 50".  Yes, it actually says that in the blog...so I'm giving her full credit for it.

Okay, let me get this straight here...but...let me straighten you out here...these are my five "new and improved" tips for approaching men in real life...

Make eye contact with him for a full five seconds. Hold his face steady for all five of the seconds...and employ one or both hands to do so.

I have to ask him a question...such as..."Hey, there are 17 other empty chairs in this Starbucks - at six other tables...but, I like this one the best because the sun is in my vernal biological equinox...do you mind if I sit here and stare at you a while?" Or, perhaps..."I'm thinking of getting a blue Mercedes likes yours parked outside...would you recommend it? Oh, you're not the guy with the blue Mercedes? Okay...um...well...um...the Earth's orbital rotation just shifted a bit...I'm going to have to ask if that other guy over there's chair is taken...sorry."

Let him answer a question you have for him...such as, "Um...is that your blue Mercedes in the parking lot with the out of state plates? Are you interested in picking up someone from their house for dinner with you in your blue Mercedes with the out of state plates?"

Take a cue from an old "I Love Lucy" show - and shove as many chocolate bon-bons into your mouth as you can at one time...sorta like Lucy and Ethel did in the "Candy Making" episode. Trust me...I'm sure you'll get his attention with this one a LOT better than dropping some cheap cell phone you just picked up at the Dollar Store for the sole purpose of dropping and shattering in front of him.

Lastly...and I quote from her article and not mine: "His job is to ask you out if he's interested in you. If he's not, it doesn't mean he's personally rejecting you. He might be married, have a girlfriend or you might not be his type." Hmmmm...I'm thinking "...might not be his type" is possibly "dating tips for women over 50" code for "he's gay"...but, apparently they couldn't come right out and say that because...apparently we are still dropping handkerchiefs as fast as instilling old Victorian sexual mores on clichéd dating tips websites.


This was fun...maybe we can do it again some day.

5 Tips for Approaching Men in Real Life


Mariann Simms aka Mariann Eperjesi is a freelance writer who is currently writing whatever she can to get noticed by anyone who will employ her for doing so.  She can be found most nights totally perplexed by what she reads online...and can be found at her blog, "Blogged Down at the Moment".  She is the founder of the interactive comedy website, "HumorMeOnline.com" although it is currently off-line at the moment, but can be found if you use a search engine.  She is also the 2003 Grand Prize winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.



I also apologize for nicking a photo off the Internet. As soon as I get my stuff back in the house (a tree fell on my house the end of June and we aren't back in there yet)...I will start taking my own photos again.  If you are the owner of this photo and I have infringed on any copyright you may have on it and have an issue, please just inform me and I will remove it promptly.  Thank you.

I Don't Love Lucy

 

I had some fun tonight.  I don't know how many of you saw the article online which was petitioning the town Lucille Ball grew up in to have a "likeness" of her removed.  It is a bronze sculpture of the beloved "I Love Lucy" star who seems to be holding what looks to be a fifth of gin and a spoon to ladle it down with.  While that line is [sort of] from "My Fair Lady"...the statue certainly is not a fair lady by any means.

I realize it probably is Lucy from one of her iconic episodes in which she shows up at Ricky's show after she schemes her way into the good graces of the station manager in order to do a live, on-air commercial for "Vitameatavegamin" - a tonic which will "pep you up" - but is mostly alcohol.  It's quite a riotous display of her comedic tongue-twisting ability.  Ability is something which this sculptor, Dave Poulin, seems highly lacking.

Please don't get me wrong...I can't even draw a proper stick figure and all my "saw-blade" Christmas trees I'd been forced to make out of construction paper, paste, and glitter each year in grade school for my parents could never look the same on both sides.  I am not, and never will be...artistic.  But...I can tell crap when I see it.  I saw a lot of it just a few minutes ago.

Out of sheer curiosity, I looked up this guy...as the article did say the man responsible for starting the brouhaha over the statue, stated he "didn't want to disparage the artist's entire body of work, saying Poulin has other works that are quite good, but this one needs to go."  So, I Google'd.  I figured there must be some mistake...like maybe the bronze mold blew a gasket or something...or, more than likely, someone made up an April Fool's Day thing and it took a couple days to get going.

It wasn't.

Click after click on his "Dave Poulin Sculptor" website -- I was more mortified than the last.  I decided I would start naming each one - and while I was copy/pasting each photo to my Facebook account, I titled each one.  One of my friends asked me to make a blog with all of them in one fell swoop, and I am duly obliging.  I honestly was laughing at some of my titles...which is rare for me to do.  I don't sit around maniacally laughing at my own stuff as some people probably think I do.  I do it rarely.  I laughed a few times with these...and, with any luck, you will, too.  (I hope Mr. Poulin has a sense of humour.)

I'm just going to copy/paste my stuff over from my Facebook page without cleaning it up or editing it...so you can see the spontaneity.  I was churning thee out like a madman...or madwoman, as the case may be.  (Please click on each image to view it larger and in all its glory...cough, cough.)

I call this one "Boo!" Scary monster child frightens woman to death. This is done by the same guy who did that horrid Lucille Ball sculpture that her town is trying to get removed.

 I call this one "Attack of the Zombie Soldier"...

I call this one "Zombie Guy":

I call this one..."Help! My head's on backwards!"

 I call this one..."Stretch Armstrong" (you have to be old like me to remember the toy)...

 The side of the one above - which I now call "Terror in Central Park"...

 I call this one..."Shoulda drowned"...

I call this one "Your Number's Up". Hopefully this "artist's" number is up, too. Seriously - these are horrible.

  
ROFL - I thought that was her foot without a shoe for a minute there. Whew! I think it's just leaves. So I shall call this one, "In the book it says...206 bones in the human body and the sculptor didn't give me one of them"...

Geez - they keep on coming - I swear to God - they don't end. This guy must not sleep!

This one I call "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Where the Hell You Saw It...'Cause I Ain't Going There To See It!"

(My friend said this - I swear I was having a dialogue with another human being - I just don't talk to myself randomly on Facebook -- you know, not that much.  She said:  Well if you make a post please tag me in it! I've got to drag myself to bed but I will share as soon as I get up lol)

Calling this one: "Thank God I don't See the Front of This"...

I call this one..."Is that a goat-dog hybrid? Seriously...WTF IS that he's dragging?"

I call this one, "Shit...I looked at the Solar Eclipse!"

This one? "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Horror Park -- A Tale Too Frightening for Mark Twain to Ever Write"...

This one I call..."Dude...Get Back...I Think I Just Shit a Turtle!"...

 This one...I call..."Whoa...a Magic Bong!"

(I showed this to my son after this exchange and he said I labeled too many as "zombies" -- but I'm thinking this guy could sell a lot of  these things in a niche market looking for zombie statuary.  Seriously...people buy a lot of zombie stuff.)

This one is..."Zombie With Shovel"...

This one looks quite good...I call it "Got Someone Else To Sculpt It For Me"...

Last one. I call this one: "Village of the Damned" (If you saw the film you will understand.)...

Well, there you have it.  That was my "Facebook Entertainment" for tonite.

Sorry about the formatting...for some odd reason it kept disappearing things when I reformatted and went back to centering and spacing issues and all sorts of things.  Due to the high number of photos I copied/pasted and all the Facebook stuff I copy/pasted, I'm not going to risk it.  I'll try to clean it up in a new blog...but I'll have to go into the source HTML code and sometimes that's just really a pain.  I might just center everything and call it a day.  (I had wine and haven't slept yet - so, technically this is still my nite.)


Here's a link to the original story:  I Love Lucy Statue