A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".
Showing posts with label dirt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dirt. Show all posts

10 December 2016

A Messy House Could Save Your Life




A new German study conducted by the Schlaswursen Clinic in Wiesbaden, Germany, has found out that housework can actually be hazardous to your health.

"We've always been told that a clean and tidy house is the ideal standard." Dr. Karl Gottschald stated before a symposium of colleagues in Lucerne, Switzerland this past Friday. "We have found a marked correlation between hospital visits and housekeeping.", Gottschald continued.

The study states something which isn't entirely new, but the mechanism behind the facts has exposed something which has not come to light until just recently, which is:  Most falls which occur in the house are done when trying to clean, typically in the bathtub and lifting/moving furniture when trying to vacuum beneath them.

In the past, it was assumed that these falls in the bath were done when bathing or showering, but that is not the case; they occur when trying to clean the tub and the shower.  "That's when most serious slips happen; it's very rare to find a patient seeking help while in the nude.  They are typically fully clothed when the paramedics arrive at the scene or when they enter hospital on their own for treatment." Dr. Janus Rothchilds, from Aerohospital Sud in Geneva, Switzerland said.  "Lifting injuries, as well as sometimes fatal cranial ones, tend to occur when people reach to get something down from a high place to dust around it.  They strain the wrong way or fall from ladders all the time.  If they just let the dust accumulate, these accidents would be totally avoided." Rothschild stated.

The study went on to find that most hazards in the house were slipping from cleaning tubs/shower enclosures and mopping floors, and falls from standing on ladders to clean on top of shelving.

"These things simply do not have to be done.  People can learn to live in houses with dust and germs. In fact other studies have proven a germ-free environment makes us prone to more infection. This is the science behind why antibacterial soap for the home has been discontinued from the market." Gottschald said.

"In fact, we're nearly done with our newest study which will conclusively prove that a house with more clutter causes less injuries than one which is free of debris." Dr. Lars Schmidt from Schlaswursen Clinic announced.  "People tend to be a bit more careful when they walk when they know they can hit their foot on something or trip and fall; those in cleaner houses walk faster and with less eye contact with the floor, which then leads to more broken toes.  Also, the plain reality is that a highly waxed kitchen or bathroom floor actually causes more hip injuries from slips and falls than all ice-related ones combined."

Schmidt ended the lecture by saying, "While we are not telling people they never have to clean again, we are telling them a little dirt never hurt anyone, in fact it might save just your life."



A similar study in 2005, conducted at Kingston University in London, extolled the virtues of the unmade bed. 








25 September 2011

Wash What You Eat!




Sorry for the radio silence...I was pondering all sorts of things again, one being that I didn't exactly want to do this blog right after the last blog - but I promised this one, so here it goes.






(Bear in mind this was partially written quite some time ago and it sat around in my notebook until now. There might be some anachronisms in it...but, they weren't back when I wrote it.)





I have to admit that I'm a bit of a glutton...not for punishment - but rather for certain food shows.


I'm also a bit like Howie Mandel (more of that in another blog...eventually) when it comes to germs. (If you have no idea about Howie's germaphobia and you are old enough to remember Howard Hughes' issue with germs...well, Howie is about one step away from him...and I'm a little off to the side of Howie...but not touching him.)


Now combine the two -- as you would, say, pepper and salt, only it comes out more like vinegar and oil. Metaphorically speaking, germs and kitchens, like vinegar and oil, simply don't mix well...or at least they shouldn't.


But, if you have your pulse on the idiosyncrasies of the cooking show nation as viewed through my eyes you just might see it from my point of view.


Case in point -- tune in to any episode of "Iron Chef", "Dinner: Impossible", "Chopped", etc., and focus on one thing: Washing.


Now I don't know about you, and I've been told I'm a bit whack in the "washing department"...but I wash EVERYTHING. Let me clarify that...as I don't wash everything I ingest...I just wash everything which grows. If it was once on a vine, branch, beneath the ground or rising up from it...well, it's going to get a bath before it goes into my gullet.


I don't care if you peel it and eat the insides or if you cook it after -- I'm washing it first. And I'll be using that fruit/vegetable spray to make sure all the residue of whatever I think is on it...comes off.


Hell, I even wash cans of soda and packages of cheese. Oh, yeah...I know...but, if that packaging ever touched or is going to "retouch" my food -- you can be certain I'm gonna wash it at some point before ingestion.


So, now that you a little of where I'm coming from...you might get a feel for where I'm going. Let's tune back in to the food shows, shall we?


The gist of these shows typically center around cooking food - but cooking it as quickly and as tasty as humanly possible. This might be a great idea...but it belies the obvious fact. How can you take all that food with the little twist ties intact and in its original state (if you've ever washed leeks you'll get what I'm saying here)...dump it on your cutting board and merrily start chopping away?


Look even closer (as I do...because I'm the food equivalent of a forensic patheticologist) and you'll notice those brightly coloured stickers...you know the ones on your apples and pears that you peel off BEFORE you wash them? Well, they don't. I guess they're some yummy secret ingredient because they leave them right on. Personally, I peel them off and then cut the area where they used to stick in case they used some cheap envelope glue to adhere them (the people who've watched Seinfeld will get that...the others...won't).


So, no wonder they can make a complete three-plus course dinner in no time flat. If I didn't have to wash anything, it'd go a lot faster, too.


And, amidst comments by the judges such as, "Did you wash these clams thoroughly...I noticed some grit in the salad." -- perhaps it's time to stop blaming the poor dead sea-thing and start chiding the chef who didn't rinse their radicchio.


Truth be told...the only person I've ever seen wash anything in the kitchen is Alton Brown of "Good Eats" fame...and, on the opposite end of the spectrum, the worst offender is "Dinner: Impossible" host, Robert Irvine. With culinary antics such as these it's no wonder Chef Gordon Ramsay always has his knickers in a twist.


Now I know I'm never going to be asked to be a participant in any of these shows...and that suits me just fine because the odds of me having all my food washed before that thirty minute "fully prepared entree" cut-off buzzer sounds...is pretty much nil.


As for being a judge? Sure, the food looks fabulous and cooked by the cream of the culinary crop...but the occasional semi-cooked chicken and dirt-infused mushroom would leave more than a bad taste in this paranoid person's mouth.





(As of this posting I have seen a trend toward showing more chefs...those mentioned above included...wash their food and specifically chastise others for not washing theirs thoroughly. I guess I wasn't the only one who noticed. Kudos to them - I'd love to see it in every show.)