A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

25 April 2011


I'm sitting here watching the film "Enchanted" on The Disney Channel and there's this commercial that comes on talking about high school proms. And how people wait four years for it to happen and only three people enjoy it and blah blah (I stopped listening at this point) and then this one girl comes on and says something like, "C'mon...when do you ever get to ride in a limo...that's something you remember your entire life!"

So...I thought about my prom. I didn't go to my prom, per se...but I did go with my boyfriend at the time to his senior prom...when I was a junior.

I sat and I sat and I tried to remember if I rode in a limo or not. For the life of me I can't remember what we rode in...I don't even remember much of the prom. And it's not because I have a bad memory. Seriously, I have bowel movements which have been more memorable. How incredibly sad is that?

I remember who I went with...and I remember (sorta) who I went home with. I didn't go home with the same guy. How even more incredibly sad is that? Boy...I must have been a jerk...perhaps I just blocked the whole sordid thing out of my mind. Who knows. All I know is I went to the prom with one guy...got into an argument with my date...danced with another guy...and came home with him. Did he go to the prom alone? What happened to the guy I went with? Did he go home alone? Did he end up going home with the guy's date? Most people don't buy one ticket to the prom...and now I'm actually wondering.

All I know is that there were no "detours" on the way home. Nothing worthy of any circa 1980s "coming of age" teen movies. Nothing "Porky's-ish". Nothing "Revenge of the Nerds-ish". I've never seen "Pretty In Pink" but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was nothing like that, either.

But I do remember every single guy thinking he was "going to get lucky" after the prom. Some rode on down to the shore (the very same Jersey shore on the show) and rented hotel rooms. And I always thought "How could anyone's parents be 'okay' with that?" Furthermore, how did that conversation take place?

"Hey, Mom, Kevin asked me to the prom!"

"That's terrific, honey! Have you guys thought of a really good place to go to 'do it' afterwards?"

"What, Mom?"

"You know...it's an unwritten law...you get taken to the prom...you have to 'put out'. (Insert little knowing laugh here.) You didn't know that?? That's how we got YOU!"

"Oh, Mom...that's wayyyyy TMI."

"What's TMI, honey? 'The Mating Instinct'? Because if that's what it is...yeah...your father and I really went at it like 'bunnies in an Animal Planet documentary' when we spent the nite at this seedy little motel in Seaside..."

"Ewwwwwwwwwww...Mom...seriously...wayyyyy TMI!"

"Yeah...that's EXACTLY what I told your father after the THIRD time..."

"MOM! Seriously...that's disgusting. How can I EVER have a good time at the prom NOW?? All I'll be thinking about is...ewwwwwwwwwww...you and DAD! Ewwwwwwwwww!"

"Yeah...okay honey...you just keep remembering that...especially AFTERWARDS." (Insert evil grin here.)

Well...my daughter's not going to the prom this year...but I'm sure I'll "remember" something "really special" to pass along to her to make her enchanted event even more memorable when it rolls around. ;)


  1. Bruce Armstrong25 April, 2011 22:37

    If you replace the limo with a 1975 AMC station wagon (bright yellow), sitting on the side of the 805 freeway in San Diego with a busted radiator hose, then yes. Yes it does.

  2. I went to a lot of proms. Never in a limo though. i never "put out" after either because I'll be damned if I'd ruin a prom dress.

  3. "That's how we got YOU!" hahaha... I died laughing at this part.
    I didnt go to my senior prom either.. I thought I was too cool!

  4. love it! I went to my boyfriend's senior prom (I was a freshman) and then he in return went to mine (although I found out a couple of years later from my Mom that he wanted to break up with me before the prom, but didn't have the heart) No limo, no putting out (okay maybe a bit of playful teasing) but NOT full blown intercourse. To me, the prom was actually kind of boring---but I do have a few fond memories of it. Enjoyed his prom more than my own.

  5. Linda..."a lot of"?? Curious as to how many you went to. You must have been quite the looker in your day...I just knew it! :)

  6. Todd - Thanks! And I always get happy when I see a new reader. :)

  7. Nan - The prom was kinda boring to me. I am not a dancer...so I didn't enjoy the whole thing really. I don't think we held it at the school...I believe it was at some rented hall of sorts...or maybe even a huge convention part of a hotel. ROFL Which would be quite funny in a way when you think of it.

  8. Never went to a prom, actually. And I don't feel like I missed anything.

    Did take my girlfriend to the Christmas Dance in December, 1981. We danced, had formal photos taken, and on the drive home . . .

    . . . well, you'd probably say it's TMI.

  9. Nice piece! -what you wrote that is, not anything else. I'm not trying to put anything inuendo. I barely know you after all. I'm sure your endo is fine as it is.

    That's a nifty plan you had there, mentally sabotaging her imaginings of after-prom shenanigans. But I doubt that's enough to overpower teenaged backseat heat (hormones?) of the moment.

  10. I went to two proms a year from the time I was a freshman. I think I had a "reputation" for putting out. (I let that work for me, but I didn't "do" it.) Actually, sometimes I went to more than 2 a year if the guy went to another school from mine.

  11. This is so funny but even more funny since my stepdaughters informed my husband & I that their mother was taking them to see that, dare I say dumb, movie last night (yes on a school night, who needs sleep).....my husband says to me "what the hell do the girls need to know about prom now??" I of course had no answer for him but had a great laugh at it! Oh yeah, my stepdaughters are 10 & 11 yrs old! Never too young to "prepare" them for that night!

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