A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

03 April 2011

Of Facebook and Other Wonky...er...Wonka Things

Okay, I, against my better judgment and immense personal dislike of it...have succumbed to hanging out a bit on Facebook.

No, I haven't joined any "Mafia Wars" or "Vampire Covens" or whatever they call them. I don't grow virtual vegetables and I don't ask people to give me any sheep.

What I do is type things in my "status" line like "I'm having a chocolate truffle!" or "I wish onion rings grew on trees." - and people reply back.

Oh, sure, I reply back to their nonsensical posts as well...but it passes the time in what is a less than ordinary life...and the mere fact that people will reply back to my doing the laundry or smelling around for that "weird smell in my house I can't find" - makes me happy.

It makes me happy that people also have less than ordinary lives, too...and that we aren't all getting showed with flowers and wined and dined at the most ritzy restaurants. We aren't all jetting off for private showings at the Louvre...and I don't even know if there are such things, but I'll never get one, so I'm not that curious to Google to see if they do indeed...do such things.

But there's one thing which boggles my mind even more than people who are willing to reply back to my mundane antics...and that's the weird stuff that pops up on the right side-bar each time I go there. I copy/pasted a few below (and didn't alter anything)...and commented accordingly, not always according to what people think is correct...but c'mon, you know we're all secretly thinking them if we're totally honest here.

Here goes:

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Rachael Ray likes to eat. She's also a little porky...and her fingers look like sausages about to burst out of their casings...but they're probably tasty, so I'm not faulting her. Rachael could probably lose 18 pounds just by skipping two meals. Oh, c'mon, it's true. Did you ever see the amount of food she puts down her gullet in that show on the Food Channel where she goes eating in restaurants all over the world? She's always saying how cheap these places are...but they're not that cheap if you order one of everything on the menu that's under $10. And those "2 old diet tips" they mention? One is "NOT EATING" and the other is "EXERCISE". There's no other magical way than those other than getting your stomach downsized or being extremely depressed.

Remember that old "Grapefruit Diet" from years ago. Why it worked is because no one can eat more than two grapefruits at any one sitting. No one in recorded history has ever bought more than two at any one time...ever -- that's why there's always a surplus of them at the store. Look around - all the plums and apples are gone and there are three oranges left, but there's like half a truckload of grapefruit all nicely stacked like there are "secret grapefruit fairies" on the ready - replacing one each time one is removed. But there aren't "secret grapefruit fairies" - plus you can't stick more than two in that plastic bag anyway -- and no one's going to expend the energy to walk back over there to grab another baggie in order to buy that third one.

First off...I refuse ever to use the word "groupon". I won't use "staycation" and I won't use "interrobang". If you don't know what an "interrobang" is...good. You shouldn't. There's no earthly reason why anyone should. It's stupid and whoever coined the name should be taken out behind the woodshed, stripped naked, covered with honey and left for the ants to get. But only after their photo is distributed across the Internet with a "WTF?!" caption Photoshopped on it.

Secondly, there aren't 365 things to DO in Montgomery...and if there were I wouldn't want to do them all. I certainly don't want to die here...so at the very most I'd do 364 and stop. I'm not stupid.

And, if I'm not mistaken, I'm pretty sure I saw Rachael Ray eat what that guy's eating in that above photo on one of those shows of hers. She also washed it down with some Portuguese Kale Soup afterwards.

Okay...so they know I'm old because I have my age listed somewhere online - but to assume I just want to meet some "senior" guy is a bit premature on their part, isn't it? I mean maybe I'm a "cougar" - and then again maybe I'm a "cougar who's NOT faithful". Again with the assuming on their part. And then that "...need female attention now" bit sounds a little too much like a horny Veruca Salt from that Willy Wonka movie if you ask me. "I want female attention from an Oompa Loompa, NOW, Daddy!"

Okay, that didn't come out right...but you get the idea.

I think.

Okay, I really have to hurry up and end this blog...so I can post this blog...so I can get back on Facebook to let everyone know. "Everyone" being my 268 friends I've never met...but who are anxiously waiting for me to say something.

I think.


  1. I never notice the ads on Facebook, making me one their worst customers. But now that I've read this, I probably will start noticing them, which means they'll have my social security number and banking information before I know it.

    As for Facebook itself, I was addicted to it a couple of years ago, and then I forgot it even existed. My blog posts kept going up because I'd set it up to do that, but I never checked my wall or anything. Now, I'm addicted to it again, and thinking about abandoning it again. It's a terrible time waster, and for some reason it kind of depresses me sometimes. Of course, it also cheers me up sometimes, so I don't know...

  2. Good Lord! i've been coming here every day to find out what happened to Esmeralda and look what I get!

    I don't 'get" FB. I just don't get it. I go there and post stupid pictures once in a while because I'm bored. (I really should rename myself "Brenda Bored".) But now I have to think about those stupid ads too. I did see the cop pretending to be a senior guy looking for a "faithful woman" and thought he was kind of cute, but not cute enough to click on. I also see those ads for lose 90 pounds of belly fat by following these two simple rules. I never clicked on them so have no idea what the rules are.

    Mariann, please get back to Esmeralda! Enquiring minds want to know. I want to know.

  3. Awwww, didn't I tell you, Linda? I'm going to try - maybe - seriously maybe...if I ever sit down and do something with my life...write a book about Esmerelda instead of putting things up here about her. She was only supposed to be a silly joke here (my friend challenged me to take two unrelated things and link them up in a blog)...but I really like Esmerelda now and I just can't do that to her.

    So...I'm going to make her into a book. :) Maybe. You know...if I get around to it ever.

  4. I would like Facebook more if my bad experiences with it would halt. Like the jerky judgmental folks. Hehe. I do enjoy the occasional nonsensical convo I can have with my peeps tho :)

  5. From the "humor" perspective, this may very well be your best post ever. VERY entertaining and well-crafted.

    I just KNEW where you were going about the 365 things to do in Montgomery. For a couple more giggles, you should've listed a few.

    That could probably be it's own post, actually.

    You're welcome.

  6. PS. If you're NOT going to go there, let me know. I'll find a similar thing to do, only using a different third-rate city.

  7. Meowlissa - People judge you on Facebook?? How the hell can do that? Look what all those people are doing. We can start hanging out together on Facebook - we can build up each other's self-esteem. :)

  8. Chris - Are you the Chris I think you are?

    But no one says we can't both do them. It could be a learning experience about how incredibly boring a town is...especially in the case here, a town which is also the capital of the state.

    I know - I'll actually do some investigative reporting and ask people (in line at Fresh Market, at the doctor's office, buying cat food, etc.) if they could possibly name 365 - and if not, could they tell me a few. That might actually be fun. :)

  9. A Right Bastard09 April, 2011 07:38

    Isn't Montgomery the home of the Shakespeare fest, or something like that? "Romeo, Oh Romeo, where did y'all runnoft to Romeo?"

    Alabama, where once you get divorced, you're still cousins!

  10. I agree with Chris and think this is one of your best and entertaining blogs. I really enjoyed reading it (along with all your other ones) I really think you should write a book--I would buy it...

    good going Mariann

  11. Thank you again, Nan...and I'll try not to think it's the pain pills talking. :)

  12. Greetings! Very useful advice in this particular post!
    It's the little changes that produce the greatest changes. Thanks for sharing!
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