A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

09 October 2010

My Wonky Thyroid and Me

(Arrows indicating approximate location of my wonky thyroid.)

Okay, usually I don't write about "me". Sure, I write about things that happen to me...but usually I hope I do it where someone can go "Oh...yeah...that's happened to ME, too!" and they relate and a fairly good time is [hopefully] had by all.

Well, today is different.

Many of you out there know I have a comedy website I haven't updated in an eon plus two. Many of you out there also know that I am in an extended "pre-divorce" situation and as such I am severely depressed as I don't have: 1) Money; 2) A job; 3) Any relative I could call up and get support from; 4) My "Mummo" (what I called my mother) anymore; and 4) No health insurance as soon as I eventually get divorced. Oh...and did I mention health issues?

I usually tend to keep those to myself and my two or three chosen friends who have to endure endless crying episodes of me on the telephone and my venting and droning on and on and on about how pathetic I am and surely I am indeed a waste of skin. I'm not even a waste of "good" skin as my skin looks pretty thin and old by now and I have a sneaky suspicious feeling that I know why:

My wonky thyroid.

I tried to discount it. I tried to reason it all out. I tried to think of other reasons I have that would make my thyroid a secondary accomplice to all the perpetrators I have in my body which feel like they've gone and burglarized, ransacked and kidnapped whoever used to be IN my body. I am left with this horrible shell of who I used to be - and I don't like the "Folger's Coffee replacement" they left in my stead.

In a few words...I don't LIKE who I've become.

I have absolutely no motivation to do anything.

My hair is really thin and it looks pathetic - it's always been thin but it's even more thin and sparse, too.

I'm losing weight at an alarming rate. I'm not a big person and if I were I'm sure I'd be ecstatic about this part, but when you weigh about 120 to start with and are now at about 108 and NOTHING seems to fit...well, it's probably as bad as having a different weight issue.

I get mad at the drop of a hat. I overreact and I throw little temper tantrums...usually directed at my two kids and I hate myself for doing it.

I'm disoriented and forget things a lot. My brain's not working and of all the things I liked about myself (which weren't many), my brain was at the top of the list. Now it doesn't work. My brain doesn't work. I am crying as I type this...do you know what it's like to have your brain NOT WORK?? I don't remember things like I used to...and you take that and couple it with my neurotic tendencies (which I didn't used to have) well, my "brain case scenarios" are dire at best. I automatically think I have brain cancer, encephalitis, meningitis, brain herpes, a cerebral spinal fluid leak, dementia, Alzheimer's, specific cancers such as "tumor on my olfactory nerve", epilepsy, seizures, and just plain everyday stress-related brain issues in general.

Migraines. I've been having one a lot, especially since I got hit upside my head on the 28th of September after leaning to get out of the "blood chair". The swing arm of it wasn't all the way back and came back down and knocked me upside my head really jarring my neck and making me think I was now going to have an aneurysm in my brain. Did I mention I was on blood thinners? My little brain would bleed at the drop of a hat - and certainly at the drop of the stupid swing arm of the "blood chair". (A CT scan at the ER last week was fine. Yes, I went there as I had the most severe headache I'd ever had.)

Anxiety. I have a whole plethora of things I am anxious about. Basically dealing with my health...and being old...and having no health insurance eventually...and having no job...and wait...I told you all those things already. When your heart skips beats or goes willy-nilly-silly for a bit...and you have been diagnosed with a few things wrong with your heart - like atrial fibrillations...well, you get anxious a lot when it happens.

I'm falling asleep for no real reason other than I've been diagnosed with Sleep Apnea recently and because I didn't do my sleep study at the converted house in Wetumpka which reeked of mold and new paint...my study has apparently been put on hold. This in itself makes me even more anxious as apparently you can have all kinds of heart problems and things like strokes when you have Sleep Apnea. I never was able to go to sleep before and have had to take Ambien just to shut my brain off...so falling asleep at 9:00 p.m. vs 9:00 a.m. (like usual) is really scary.

Energy. I have none. I don't even have enough energy to type up why. Trust me...there's no energy in this body. I am the antithesis of the Energizer Bunny. I am more the Lack-of-Energy Sloth.

But the coup de gras is my wonky thyroid. My thyroidologist (yes, I made that word up) wants to obliterate my thyroid ("...like the first Mrs. Bush" he kept saying) by radioactive iodine. The otolaryngologist (no, that word I didn't make up) whom I saw in Birmingham back in February said my thyroid was "okie dokie" (perhaps not using those specific words) and didn't see any need to have it surgically removed. Then I had six fine needle aspiration biopsies there at the Kirklin Clinic and they sent me on my merry way. So, while I was sent on my merry way...I wasn't exactly merry. And I've been getting less and less merry ever since.

I feel like crap. Pure utter crap.

So...the reason behind my blog here other than releasing pent up hormones of frustration (which is probably yet another sign my thyroid is wonky)...has anyone out there been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and dealt with it in some way? I know I can go online and read all the thyroid posts and whatnot - but it would be nicer if someone I remotely knew (even tho I don't know any of you, really) had some first-hand knowledge of it they'd like to share with me. Sharing with me via the phone...even better. Seriously, I'm getting very desperate here...I honestly would like to talk about hyperthyroidism experiences (of which there are many more than I listed here).

I really don't want to suck down some radioactive iodine...but it's looking better and better every single damn day. Especially if I can follow it with a Martini chaser.

Oh, for the days Reader's Digest would publish their "I am Joe's Spleen"...as I would rather read that (only you know..."I am Joe's Thyroid") than the wide range of scary things that come up when I type "hyperthyroidism" into that "outlined in black box" thingy known generically as the Google Search Engine.

Anyone? Please...please...please...


  1. Don't know, the picture looks pretty healthy, a lot better than you make it sound.

    good, a real easy word puzzele

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. It's also about a year old. :) I've gone downhill since then. I look and sound like a Harpy. :(

  4. It told me I flunked the letter test, then tried to post the comment twice

    Yep I'm getting old too

  5. Nah, don't believe you, I bettin you still look good

  6. Whenever I post up a comment - I always have to post it twice. In fact, I don't even type the "CAPTCHA" code in the first time as it always gets rejected.

  7. I feel better, I'm not the only one

  8. Mariann, when I was 25 years old, I was diagnosed with a severe thyroid condition. In 3 months time, I went from 120 pounds down to 97 pounds. And my eyes started bugging out of my head. Oh, and my hair and nails began growing like a zombie. My hair turned dull and thinned out but I thought I was just "nervous". I had trouble sleeping and would get up to iron at 2 AM. Uh huh. Plus I was a basket case nerves wise. I was in a pre-divorce situation at the time too and thought all of the "complaints" I had were in my head. They weren't. They were in my throat!

    They actually gave me the radioactive iodine to firm up the thyroid prior to surgical removing it.

    I dated my surgical resident for 5 years after my surgery. He was a stud, that one was!

    All these years later, my doctor tested my thyroid and said it was quite low. Now I take a supplement. It does get better, but the thing has to be fixed. Valium helped me get through it. So would weed I gather. Good luck Honey, and I know this is miserable, but once they kill off the damned thing, you'll be a lot better.

  9. While reading this it felt like you were describing me... I think I have a hyperactive thyroid but, alas, I'm not old enough to 'know about such things' or go to the doctor by myself so I cant. But something about the sleeping problem, if you stay up for a full day and night and then go to sleep at the desired time, you feel so much better in the morning. Oh, and a way that I use to de-stress myself is to only think about the day itself, and not tomorrow or a week later or anything. Just the one hour in the one day that I'm living through now. It helps me out so much. Okay, this is getting too long, and I'm sure you didn't really expect 16 year old's to read your blog or comment or anything, so I'll just end it here.

  10. Jax - Don't apologize at all. You can have a wonky thyroid and not even know it. I think mine's been wonky for years.

    I'm glad you felt I was describing you - perhaps we can all help each other. Many people just keep everything bottled up and never get diagnosed. If this ends up being my thyroid I'm going to get so mad - as I could have done something about it years ago when they first suggested I have it "yanked out".

  11. sorry, can't help on this one but I certainly hope you find out what the problem is..I hate to hear my Mariann having problems

  12. Really sorry for all with a diagnoses of hypothyroidism. This is by far the most helpful resource I've foiund so far...


    Sounded like you were describing my sister exactly!! My sister has had thyroid issues for a while now and we're looking for as much information and help as we can find.
    Thank you for your post

  13. Thanks for the link - I'm going to look at it right now. :)

  14. Mariann, I'm truly sorry you don't feel good. When your health suffers, everything suffers, and there's no doubt in my mind that all the stress of your recent life has only made things worse. I do believe this, though: It will pass. The stress will pass, they can treat the thyroid and you will begin to feel like your former self again. It might take some time, and I'm not saying you'll feel 22 again, but it will get better. Now you are in MY thoughts and prayers......

  15. Thank you so much, Mike. I know you and your family have been dealing with a whole lot more here recently (unfortunately)...but it means a lot to me to be in your prayers.

    Please know that you and your family continue to be in mine.

  16. Forgot to tell you my mom is going to have a thyroidectomy (heck if I know if that's a good word or not). Anyway, even though she hasn't had any issues peeing, the extra calcium being made in the thyrodial doohickey has given her a nickel size kidney stone. My brother, the nurse, tells me that the docs usually remove all of the thyroid, though their intention is to only cut out part of it. Think of it as a partial circumcision (if you had a weenee). So, not sure when they are going to do this, but she has had all the symptoms as you, and you are certainly as aged as she is ;-)

    So, maybe you DO need to have your thyroid circumsized.

  17. They said I didn't need to have my thyroid "circumsized" -- so I think that's a good thing.

    Good luck to your mom - let me know when she has to get it yanked out.

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