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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

18 October 2010

Becoming Unglued

"Mrs. Clayton, Jimmy's eating paste!" Little Suzy's tattletale shrieks broke the relative giddiness of the room and the whole class turned to see for themselves.

There he was...the telltale sign of paste hanging on the corners of his mouth like dingleberries...well, hanging on a whole other orifice; his mouth clamped tighter than that other sphincter, but smelling remarkably better.

"Let me see, James. Open your mouth." Mrs. Clayton's direct order and stern gaze (peering out from behind her black cat-eye glasses which were perched precariously on her hawk-like nose) had absolutely no effect on the kid. He wouldn't, or maybe he couldn't...but he shook his head forcefully back and forth and then a couple gulps later...he'd open wide for all to see. The evidence cleverly swallowed...his fat pink tongue wagging back and forth like an innocent puppy dog's tail. He was triumphant and, like that puppy, clearly oblivious to any wrong-doing.

With the "whiff test" administered directly after, Mrs. Clayton could do no more than to confiscate our group's paste container and we'd have to make do with passing around the industrial-sized Elmer's Glue which always needed Herculean strength to squeeze out a hair's diameter of the stuff on your paper. Even with shoving both a pin and a nail in the top part (over and over again)...the best you could hope for was an inconsistent dotted-line of semi-clotted goop to plop out and sore muscles the next day.

Now paste always had that nice minty aroma to it when I was a kid...I'm not sure if it still does nowadays...but back then it did. Perhaps that's why the paste-eaters of my era treasured it so. And you can rest assured there was always one kid in class who was an elitist gourmand when it came to all things sticky.

Elmer's Glue, although much more fun to play with (when it finally did come out) didn't have the culinary draw that nice white paste had. And don't forget, paste did have that popsickle-like stick inside the cap with which to poke and probe your way to the parts that didn't have any construction or crepe paper bits intermingled with it. Pure, unadulterated paste. Left alone with a tub of the stuff and the likes of Suzy being absent that day...Jimmy could get his fill uninterrupted. Sure, we'd laugh and point...but you have to keep in mind paste wasn't the only thing this kid was "into".

Jimmy had the unfortunate luck to be born a "Barger"..."James Barger" to be precise. Naturally, Jimmy also had reddish hair...all the more to stand out and be different from the other kids - but other than his propensity for paste...Jimmy had another proclivity: Jimmy liked to pick his nose and eat the contents therein.

In the well-oiled machinery of the mind of a five or six-year-old, it doesn't take too much gear-turning to alter "Barger" to "Booger"...and well, the name stuck. Stuck better than a nose-mining paste-oholic on a sub-zero playground in December. If you've never witnessed the sheer amount of "stuff" a nose can leak out of it in the winter in Jersey during recess...well, you haven't truly lived. Usually this is what mittens and coat sleeves were for...but little Jimmy "Booger" would be off by himself with the unbridled passion of a deer with a salt-lick. The kid was an unstoppable, unwavering gross-out spectacle. I'm not sure which he enjoyed more...the taste of paste and snot or the constant attention of his classmates pointing at him and egging him on to eat more paste and snot.

As he went through the elementary grades, Jimmy "Booger" Barger went through his fair share of paste. Paste becoming more and more a rarity with each passing year, Jimmy was eventually weaned off his habit, at least as far as we knew.

The nickname was still in use the year I moved when I was eleven, and while I was never there to know for certain, I'm pretty much inclined to believe it stuck until graduation day...when he could finally venture forth on a new life outside of the Hamilton Township School System.

Memories of youth undoubtedly fade...although some things do seem to cement themselves in our minds. It's silly what we retain in our heads years down the road - and how the simplest things can trigger those memories. You see, lately I've been wondering about poor old James...and whatever became of him -- because there's a boy in my daughter's school who looks strikingly similar.

Oh, I'm not going to blurt out any questions regarding paste ingestion to him...but...I might be inclined to get close enough to catch a whiff of his breath. You know, just for old-time curiosity's sake.

And, if it's minty fresh, eh...perhaps then I'll ask.


  1. I was just thinking about how nostalgic autumn seems to make me. The cooler weather, the comfort foods, and halloween just make me long to be a kid out there kicking up leaves, luckily I was never a paste eater so I'm not missing that.

  2. Christopher - But, c'mon, you knew someone in school who ate paste, right?

  3. It's funny-weird the things some kids will eat. MY WIFE confesses to having been a brown paper bag eater. She theorizes that there was some sort of mineral imbalance in her body that led her to eat such things. Maybe. I think she just liked the taste :-)

    (My only preference in grade school was for sniffing the blue mimeographed papers. As a matter of fact, if that stuff had remained available, I might never have taken up cocaine.)

  4. Oh, I remember that paste! It was a gelantinous looking goo, almost snot-like, and smelled like cloves or allspice (well, ours did, anyway). No wonder Jimmy ate his boogers. Ack! I was well into my thirties before I could smell or eat anything with cloves in it.

  5. "Nose-mining paste-oholic on a sub-zero playground in December."


  6. Suldog - I find it strange where it's proven that smells can trigger memories. Apparently, mine here was memories triggered smells. Figures I'd be the backwards one.

    I also loved the smell of the mimeograph paper. Being that I worked in the school office, I always got to have "first whiff". ;)

  7. 00 - Cloves, to me, bring up having toothaches...so I'm not too fond of their smell either.

    Chris - Thanks. I take that as a high compliment coming from you. :)

  8. I only liked to take Elmers glue and let it dry on my hands, then peel it off like dead skin. So cool! In a creepy, Vincent Price skin crawl sort of way.

  9. I loved this blog!!! Love to all the snot/booger pickers and paste eaters of days gone by

  10. I ate paste. It tasted great after it turns hard. I also liked glue, the orange stuff hard. But then I also ate the stuff that came up out of the sidewalk cracks when it was hot. (Tar?) Delish!

  11. I loved--love?--the taste of paste, and used to eat it all the time. I used like the taste of paper, too, so go figure. I've probably got a glueball the size of a grapefruit lodged in my stomach.

  12. Damn, Linda...I hope you are joking. I can't see you licking the tar out of sidewalk cracks. ROFL

    Mike - I never woulda figured you for a paste-eater. The paper/pica thing...well, know...it's probably the font on the paper that intrigues you - being a writer and all. (Yeah, lame attempt at a writer-type "funny".)

  13. living in an Asian country where nose picking isn't considered rude, and teaching elementary school aged children... I really wish we had minty paste here. No one seems to want to slurp up the clear glue, although their boogers are fair game.

  14. What an odd combination. Glue and boogers. You'd think the dude who picked his boogers wanted something out of his system, whereas the dude who ate paste wanted something to stay in. Maybe both picking and eating put ole Booger in his own element--sort of a natural recycler.

  15. Well thanks for the trip down memory lane ! This brings back memories that I had long ago incarcerated in the forgotten recesses of my now aged mind. Traveling frequently and attending at least two new schools each year I learned the paste and the booger eating kid was a universal figure at each class I attended. I also remember the always present kid with the nostril full of green snot, he always had the nostrils that flared upward so they were immediately noticeable. Once seen your eyes were drawn to it like flies to the lunch room waste can, many kids first attraction to prayer was praying that this kid would just eat the snot so it would be gone, or at least become skilled in the art of napkin usage. Yep, thanks for the trip down memory lane.


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