A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

28 May 2010

What CAN I do?

The following was written by me as a silly comedy snippet (you know...if I ever tried to do a stand-up comedy routine...and if Montgomery, Alabama ever had a comedy venue to try my hand at it)...apparently serving no real purpose until now (and even now I question its purpose)...

So, anybody here have trouble sleeping?

I seriously have problems sleeping...that I've had since I can remember. Tried relaxing, warm milk, cold vodka...nothing works. So I figure I'll go and read a book...you know, you read some...you get tired...you fall asleep.

So, I go on down to the library because you can pick up used books there for like a quarter...and I picked up a few, including one big-ass one by Stephen King called "Insomnia".

Well, I'm no genius, but I figure the reason these books are for sale for less than a buck is because no one wants to read them...and who the HELL's going to want to read some horror book about not sleeping when they're trying to sleep?? Just what was he thinking??

But I've got to hand it to him...he thinks of an everyday happening and then makes a scary as hell story out of it. I just figure he's sitting there at home at the typewriter...going..."Dogs...yeah...really mean dog..."Cujo". Corn...people like corn...how about "Children of the Corn"? Ooh, what else do people like to do? Drive...yeah..."Christine"...okay...talk on their cell phones. I got it: "Cell"!"

Okay, so I can't have a dog, can't bury it behind my house if it would ever die...can't eat corn or talk on my cell phone...forget about talking on it IN my car...and I'll never sleep again. What's going to be next? A horror story about a toilet?

Oh gee, thanks, Mr. King.

Originally written 28 Jan 06.


  1. He pretty much covered the toilet in 'Dreamscapes' I think (wink wink) Thanks for posting the "early years" of Mariann

  2. No no - it was "Dreamcatcher" I believe. I just saw that about six months ago for the first time - I thought it was going to be scarier.

    Didn't King also do a toilet scene in "Creepshow", too?

    But I was talking about an entire book - just devoted to a toilet...has he done that one yet?

    Maybe I should get into the horror genre with a poopie book. You know how much I love to talk about poopies! ;)

  3. I believe it's the book Insomnia that got to me the most. It might be a different King work, but I don't think so. Anyway, there's a scene where a kid is stranded in the bottom of a well (or a pit, I read this a long time ago so some details are hazy) and it talks about how he's crying and screaming for help but no one hears him. Then comes the line...

    "His last thought was of ice cream."

    That has disturbed me ever since. Gut-wrenching, and while I recognize the artistry of the prose, man, I hated King for laying it out there like that.

  4. Well, you're no Chris Rock, but not bad.