A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

16 May 2010

Sea Monkeys III: The Final Seaquel

Because you are all dying (faster than my cannibalistic Sea Monkeys) to have me wrap up my final installment of my three-part foray into Sea Monkey raising...I certainly won't prolong this agony any longer than is humanly tolerable.

As you are all aware (if you had been following along with Part 1 and 2), I found a treasure trove of endless fun - and something I've always wanted: Sea Monkeys.

While Sea Monkeys might not be all they're cracked up to be...and certainly not all they are hyped up to be, they did do something in my house which rarely ever happens.

No, they didn't make the kids clean their rooms and I didn't finish that book I was writing; but there was actual family interaction involved in spurts, and these little freeze-dried "time-travellers", mutant as they may be, caused it.

Oh, I'm not reporting there were any "Gee, Wally, will ya look at that!" moments - and sadly, despite years of comic book-inspired anticipation, they have yet to live up to the mystique these ads insinuated. In other words, they haven't built any underwater castles - a fact which I am still upset over...and probably will be for life.

But, true to their word, my "family" hatched in a mere 24-hour time frame. Apparently we kept the thermostat in the house set to "optimal Sea Monkey breeding temperature". We were careful to put them on a north-facing window (as instructed) and barricaded them ingeniously against the windowsill with rocks so we didn't, one day, wake up to the sound of tacky plastic containers falling due to overzealous curious cats.

We, so far, have never had to make some split-second decision of whether one would even be capable of extruding minute aquatic squiggles out of carpet pile - or whether a good stomping up and down on the poor misfortunate mutant life form would be a far, far, better thing to do. So...no such "Tale of Two Cities" moments...yet.

The following days were "filled" with such family entertainment as feeding them, replacing Sea Monkey water, which evaporates at an astronomically slow rate, and wondering how I was going to clean their aquarium. Face it, microscopic egg sacs could easily be mistaken for dirty water. Perhaps when I "strawed" some out to toss it...I threw away 75 whole families.

Oh, I am sure there are ways to ascertain your Sea Monkeys live for ages - because they sell enough extra Sea Monkey stuff to guilt any caring person, i.e., a mother of a six-year-old, into purchasing. And if they don't live after you plunk down $3.00 for "Sea Monkey Medicine" (yes, I kid you not) and another $3.00 for a "Sea Monkeys 'Million Bubble' Air Pump", etc., etc., - well, there's always that "Amazing 2 Year Warranty!" of theirs.

And then, for people like me...who never acquired their Sea Monkeys until much, much later in life...there's the "Executive Sea Monkeys For Grown Ups" kit for a mere $12.00.

Oh, yeah...these guys "Sea" you coming...but I'm not falling for any of it...

...but I am half-tempted to send away for an official "Sea Monkey Diploma" from the prestigious "Crustacean College" certifying me as a "Sea Monkey Scientist". It's only $16.00 with shipping and handling included, and just think how THAT would look on my resume...and how all prospective employers would look at ME for including it.

Sounds to me there's literally hours of fun to be had right there!

Now for some amazing Sea Monkey photos...

Small Hatchlings:

Sea Monkeys front and center..."Primordial Pool" in the background:
Sea Monkey - Up Close:


  1. Love the final installation of the tale. So, do you have any Sea Monkeys still left? Have you named them? What a bummer that you have no castles yet. Would you consider your sea monkeys "couch monkeys" ?

  2. Well, so much for them growing big enough to have a nice scampi. Maybe you should put them in your pool. You know, a much bigger house for them to live in, and maybe they will become larger. Make sure you use plenty of butter and garlic for the sauce.

  3. I think that's a wonderful idea...put them in the primordial pool...see what happens!!!!