A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

04 December 2009

Huntsville Here I Come!

Me? Getting a job working for NASA?? Smells too good to be true, right?

"No," you're saying..."you silly thing...it's supposed to be 'sounds' to be good to be true".

Oh, but I beg to differ. And I would be right. Let me ramble for a bit, i.e., explain.

I can smell things. Yes, not that great an accomplishment - we were all pretty much born with that ability.

No, but I can REALLY smell things. I smell things before anyone else does...sometimes they don't ever smell them at all. And the things I've smelled have helped others.

Long ago, I smelled a natural gas odor in an open field once across the street from a development. After reporting it to the police, he informed me that area was where the "odor release tubes" were located. If you didn't know, the "natural gas smell" is actually made and added to the odorless product so people can detect it...as without it, you couldn't smell a gas leak...and, well, that could be catastrophic. The pipes out in the field dispersed the odor...and that's what I smelled. He then remarked that I "certainly must have some nose"...as it's really not that discernable.

Well, I do.

I also told a gas meter reader once that there was a "gas smell" in the area where I lived...and sure enough, he checked and it turned out there was indeed a break in the underground line...and they were promptly fixed.

My nose is SO good in fact...that I can "smell" books from across the room. Don't believe me...go smell a book...it has a distinct aroma. I can even detect the faint smell of ink IN an uncapped pen from about 10 or so feet away. Not marker ink, mind you...regular pen ink...just lying there on the table. And I can smell it.

I can locate small dead animals my cats dragged into the house. Sure, I probably look pretty silly down on all fours sniffing about - but I can find EACH and every dead thing here. In fact...I just located a dead bird next to the cat litter box...that hadn't been there for more than a couple hours. Death...has a specific smell...and I'm good at honing in on it...fortunately...or unfortunately.

An aspect of my whole life seems to center around my being able to smell things which most people don't smell...or smell "eventually". But, just as a shark has his olfactory nerve underwater - able to detect a drop of blood in all those gallons...miles away...I am, on a much smaller scale, the equivalent of him on land. Yes, I am the "land shark" of my species.

But what good does possessing an astute nasal appendage, a prodigious proboscis, or a special "scent-sational power" like this really get you in life...except perhaps a heads up notice on when the bread is going bad or if that cream in the fridge is still good beyond its expiration date?

Apart from becoming a "drug sniffing" or "bomb sniffing" dog in the airport - seriously...what smelly job is lurking out there for me?

Well, testers at perfume companies rely on people with great noses...and I am sure the whole "aroma" factor is invaluable in a whole realm of tasting jobs - but, are there any in this area which actually need a "sniffologist" as it were?

So, by the time all those thoughts had gone through my mind, I decided to employ Google to help me find (betcha thought I'd say "sniff out") some "nosy jobs". The one I liked best was "NASA Sniffer"...oh, to be NASA's "Master Sniffer" one day. Boy, if my friends ever caught a whiff of that one -- they'd surely get their collective noses out of joint.

Sure, it's not an astronaut nor a rocket scientist, but, c'mon..."NASA Master Sniffer" isn't exactly a job to turn your nose up about.

(Did anyone else notice that "NASA" is one letter away from "NASAL"? Okay...well, maybe it's just me, then.)


  1. LMAO! Mariann is the most unusual and entertaining lady! You go girl! You get that NASA job!!!

    And just as a side note, I really had no idea that gas was oderless and the smell added!

  2. Loveeeeed it!

    I'm gonna start calling you "Snoopy Sniffer" and now I have that childhood song in my head...

    Remind me to always be freshly showered if you ever come visit me. LOL

  3. I have no idea what song "Snoopy Sniffer" is - but I bet YouTube has it. ;)

    Yes...I didn't get into personal smells...sometimes it's less of a gift to be able to smell so well.

  4. Hi, I'm a different anonymous. If I was the other one, I would have said "boobies" in my comment. So, which personal smells would you want to get into? Pits, ass, or crotch? When it doubt, Febreze it!

  5. Wait, if that's an artificial smell they add to natural gas, why don't the just add a GOOD smell?

    "Hey, is someone cooking bacon? No? Okay, it must be a gas leak then."

  6. I bet there are many companies that would pay for a swell sniffer