A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

25 November 2009


Okay, who else is really getting creeped out by the constant barrage of Viagra and Cialis commercials?

You know, back when I was a kid, there was nothing more annoying than the "Hey, Pam...what's in the bright blue box?" "It's Stayfree Maxipads!" And then "Perky Pam", who was bumped into - in the airport by her friend, who coincidentally spills the entire contents of her purse on the floor...who coincidentally is carrying a HUGE box of 40-count of them...who feels compelled to hold them up for everyone to see...proceeds to tout their remarkable absorbability.

They would play that commercial interspersed with the "horseback riding, tennis playing, white pants-wearing" woman who also carried a 40-pack of Tampax in her purse. Then to round it off, it would be "Hey, Mom...do you ever have that "not so fresh feeling?" - and true to form, all girls supposedly confront their moms about feminine hygiene smell-masking products...and all moms carry around a 4-pack of Massengil..."just in case" this confrontation finally happens.

I don't know about you - but growing up as a young teen...realizing that I ultimately will have to carry around a detergent-sized box of feminine products wherever I go...well, I was afraid to leave my house.

Well, for some reason those commercials got replaced by ED ones. You know ED...not unlike "Bob"...who has a new swing on life...ED is Bob's black-sheep brother - who is determined to get all the attention.

"ED", of course, is "Erectile Dysfunction", and apparently every single guy in America who is over the age of 45...will not be able to leave his house because of it.

Oh, wait...that came out wrong. Let me try again...

...these commercials are friggen creepy!

Not only are they creeping ME out - but they creep out my son and my daughter. Hell, I bet they creep my cats out, too.

And where do they find the most smarmy-seeming guys for these ads? Do they march them in...have a woman go "Ewwwwwww, I'd NEVER have sex with that guy...*shudder shudder*" and then the advertising execs say "Yep! You're hired! Because if guys see YOU getting lucky on television...well, they figure THEY'LL have a shot, too."

Don't believe me? Ask any woman if they'd toss out the magazines, TV remote and whatever else she tosses out on the lawn...just to have a "four-hour moment" alone with this guy. The only thing I'd be tossing...would be my cookies.

Then there's the guy who keeps looking at, and talking to, his reflection in the store windows in the Mayberry town he's strolling thru...only to have it say things back to him like "Heading to the doctor? So, are you going to ask him this time? Isn't it time for Viagra? Isn't it time for the dry heaves?"

Sorry, that last one was my comment...not the commercial.

Then the coup de grĂ¢ce...the "dual claw-footed cast-iron bathtubs at the beach" advert.

You know, whenever *I* get into an amorous mood, there's nothing more appealing to me than heading to the shore with my surfboard and metal tub on top of my woody. Oh wait...that didn't come out right, either...

...you see - a "woody" was a type of car. Seriously, it was...see?

But, if you were over 45 you'd already know this...and you'd also know the "Viva Viagra" song is making Elvis spin in his grave.

Anyway...these 60-second spots (not to be confused with that "four hour" spot)...make me long...

...for those bygone days of my youth.

I'm sure even "Pam" would agree.


  1. LOL-wonderful blog (clap clap)

    I for one am tired of getting penis enlarger ads in my spam/email folders


  2. Thank you. :)

    I haven't been getting those much lately - I guess they know you'd probably need to have SEX once in a while in order to want a larger penis. ;)

  3. Oh, I'm so with you on this. Really, what says "intimacy" more than lying next to your significant other in his and hers bathtubs? Once the Cialis kicked in, then what? Have her over to your tub for some quick splashing?

    Hate the Viva Viagra song also, but it could've been worse (and, hmm, perhaps you could make an HMO game out of this):

    See My Bona' (tune of My Sharona)
    Norwegian Wood
    Rod of Thunder (KISS's "God of Thunder)
    Stiffer Christian ("Stiffer Christian, oh your time has come...")
    Harden My Part (you gotta swallow . . . never mind)

    I think you get the idea.

  4. When "Bob" is dressed as Santa Claus in those ads...it's really creepy. I mean, what's a parent to do when he wants to go to the 'north pole', or rather, when it comes to him?

  5. My work now sells "Extenze" penis enlargement capsules.

    WHY is this necessary for a gas station to sell?!

  6. Cialis makes you a moron (and yes, I almost wrote knucklehead...)

    BTW: the word verifier was Rubstic...

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  11. Hilarious, Mariann.

    It really does seem the advertising people have gone out of their way to make those commercials creepy as hell. It's almost like they're creating these "anti-ads" in which they're daring you to ignore the commercials. With the products being what they are, they know that loads of insecure men will pay attention no matter what kind of crap they put up on the screen.