A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

20 December 2009

Getting "Progressive"ly More Annoying

It's no big secret that I'm perturbed by the fact that I'm not a paid writer in some capacity. I'm not saying that I'm the greatest writer who ever walked the face of the Earth...heaven knows I'm not even in the stratosphere...but I don't think I'd end up in the "bottom 100", either.

And one of the things which always irks me - is the advertising industry. I watch commercials on television...I hear them on the radio...and I sit here in astonishing amazement over the wanton lack of creative ability...over and over and over again.

Surely some advertising firm out there knows these commercials are utter crap...and their ad execs have got to be laughing and laughing...all the way to the bank.

What absolute morons they must think the company heads are...to actually approve the inane pabulum they lay out before them...and gobble up.

And again I sit...knowing full well I can write better ad material, better scripts, better movies, better dialogue, better...well, "stuff" in general. Yes, I'm whining...get used to it...I do it well...and since I'm a year older as of the 15th, I'm entitled to be a bit curmudgeonish...hell, someone pays Andy Rooney to do just that! And, yes, I wish they'd pay me, too.

And, as if it weren't bad enough, the commercials have writing which makes my whole body cringe...they employ the most annoying people to get their message across. Case in point, as was pointed out to me today...the "Progressive Insurance" chick.

Now, I must have voiced my displeasure about this topic before here on my blog or in a comment...as, well, it's another tidbit which I've told to practically everyone: I abhor those commercials. I hate them with every fiber of my being...and I hate this "chick" with every neuron in that fiber.

I dislike her so much...I'm just going to refer to her as "chick"...and, yes, it's with derogatory contempt...unlike saying, "I'm a chick from Jersey"...just so those of you who think I think all "chicks" are thought of in a derisive manner...they aren't. Just this one.

Okay...and a few others...but that's not my point. My point is...she annoys the bejeebies out of me.

"But, Mariann, I like her."

You, good sir or madam, are whack.

Plus, you aren't me - and I'm the one writing this...you can voice your opinion by commenting...and then I will say something like, "Is, too" to your "Is not"...and we will go back and forth in a pointless "for/against Obamaesque" diatribe until finally...one of us ceases to do so.

First off, I know advertising which gets on your last nerve serves a purpose. If something is very irritating you tend to remember it...and what is the main point of advertising: getting your product remembered.

Now, you can get it remembered by having a catchy jingle, "I'd like to buy the world a Coke...and keep it company...", a catchy slogan, "Please don't squeeze the Charmin", a shocking slogan, "Nothing comes between me and my Calvins", a celebrity endorsement, "I'm Tiger Woods for Viagra" (oh, c'mon it COULD happen), or a myriad of other things...ranging from cutesy to bizarre. But the powers that be over at "Progressive Insurance" - decided glaring stark white interiors with an obnoxious raven-haired banshee was the way to go.

The contrast alone between the clinically white surroundings...which, ironically match her skin tone...and her dark hair and that candy-apple red gobhole of hers which never ceases to shut...well, makes me almost want to walk up to the television and adjust the brightness knob. But by the time it would take me to find it in the inner workings of my remote...the commercial is over. The only proof I have that I've seen it - is the reverse image colouration of retinal fatigue when I look on a blank white wall (green...where did green come from?) and the droning on and on of her grating voice piercing deep into my cerebellum or cortex...or wherever something that annoying goes to when it burns into your brain...so you can conjure images of it back up again when you need a trigger for that "fight or flight" reaction one day.

Oh...geez...can you tell that commercial leaves a bad taste in my mouth? And I think that taste is bile.

Furthermore, I think some watchdog site should investigate...because if "Progressive Insurance" is also the same entity that sells "Bumpits"...well, things like this should not be allowed to happen in these United States.

And people thought Billy Mays was annoying...

...but, hey, for the right amount of cash, I'd be more than willing to come up with the next odious script for her to read.

(This blog was specifically written in response to a comment on my last blog at the Montgomery Advertiser...someone asked if I was ever going to get around to do the "Progressive Insurance" blog...so I did.)


  1. LOL--so you don't like her????

    ((runs away quick))

  2. Hey, she may have an annoying "gobhole" (as you called it), but I also want to add that I have it on good authority that she is a "spitter". Please send your emails to....

  3. And here is me thinkin you liked most comercials lol

  4. I'm with you. I can't STAND stupid commercials but since I rarely watch TV, they strangely don't bother me! ;)

  5. Look on the bright side of Flo...when she or her company see this blog, you will probably get mentioned in their next commercial. You know, a curmudgeonly-ish woman looking for insurance. I'm just sayin'...

  6. Awww! Leave poor Flo alone! Don't be hating the perky chiclet! I like her! LOL

    Oh and Mariann...

    How cool are these boots?
    How cool are these boots?
    I love my comfy sweater!
    Talk to the moose. :P

    *does Gap cheer dance*

    Yeah, yeah I know... I probaly messed that up again!

  7. Yet another goof! :)

    You silly, silly thing...I just love ya to bits! :)

  8. Oh, I am SO with you on this one, and on your overall take on commercials. There's one that really irks me from a writing point of view. I forget what it's for, but they show a girl holding up a mannequin arm and leg and says, "And I don't want to pay one of these and one of these" . . .

    Now, she could stop right there. We get it. It's an arm and a leg.

    But then she SAYS, "An arm and a leg." Come on, people, give the audience SOME credit.

  9. Mr. Knucklehead...I KNOW! WTF is with that one??? How damned stupid have we become that we need to have something like that explained to us???

    Again..."Idiocracy" comes to mind.

  10. Why come you have no tatoo?

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  12. OMG? Really, you don't like FLO? How can you not like Flo??? ROTFLMAO! Bwahahahaha!

    Don't hit me, but I'm not JUST playing with you. I actually DO like her, plastic people make me happy so long as I don't feel it's too condescending. I have no intention of trying to argue "Is Not," "Is Too" about her though. Sometimes people rub you the wrong way, I get that.
    Having said that, I couldn't agree more about the comments on the Arm and A Leg commercial. Except that it DID make me laugh hysterically for a full minute that they felt the need to clarify. Did they think the blind people watching wouldn't get it or something?

  13. Who knows, Moannamuppet...considering we are dumbing down big time...you might see a whole lot more obvious things being explained. I just wish they'd explain what those dual bathtubs at the shore and ED have in common.

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