A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

04 October 2009

"Trick" or Treat?

I ventured over to the newly opened "Halloween" store the other day; the one on the Eastern Boulevard by Lowe's (or is it Home Depot) where the "Goody's" used to be. Now I'm no Einstein, but I'd say this is probably a "seasonal" store...as I doubt they are planning to sell Halloween items year 'round...and at the beginning of November they'll pull up stakes (a Dracula pun)...and count (yet another!) their proceeds. I really don't think "The Christmas Store" will move in after - but you never can tell; but one would presume "The Christmas Store" would still do a lot more business than "The Saint Patrick's Day Store" -- or at least one would hope.

Now Montgomery is no stranger to giant Halloween stores...they had one a couple Halloween's ago - and these might be the same people, only in a different location...but the people who did one up prior - were MUCH more into it...and it was nearly a whole haunting experience to even set foot in the place. This one had some decorations laid out and a fog machine or two churning out some acrid smoke which I started wondering about 10 minutes in...whether or not the pellets were laced with cyanide or at least a hefty portion of lead paint...but seeing I'm still here and it's been like two weeks...chances are good I won't die from it now.

Apart from the lack of scare factor and the smelly smoke...the first thing I noticed is that the place is laid out with two distinct sides: the children side...and the adult side. And once you start rummaging around on the "adult side"...well, you'll see why.

It's naughty.

Sexy goth girl, sexy vampiress, sexy bar wench, sexy pixie chick, sexy nurse, sexy French maid...and the one that made my poor Catholic eyes burn in their sockets: sexy nun. Now I don't know about you...but if you are buying a sexy nun costume - you have just procured...and secured... your space in Hell.

Those of you who aren't that aware with the laws and bi-laws of Alabama - might not be aware that you can't sell porn here...or paraphernalia thereof...altho the "Love Stuff" store gets around this...uh...loophole..and sells these items for "educational purposes only". Don't believe me? Check out their web site online...which you have to look at in the "cached" mode - as it's not there anymore...hmmm...

But needless to say - selling these costumes is okie dokie during Halloween...I guess as long as you have a clear delineation line between the kid's stuff and the...um...well, love stuff...aka...adult Halloween costumes.

Please don't get me wrong - I have no problem with "dressing up" per se...heaven knows I've semi-fantasized about Hugh Jackman in a Conquistador outfit on more than one occasion...but then again...who hasn't?

But it just strikes me as funny - and ironic - that you can buy these outfits...which are clearly not intended for Halloween purposes only...in a state which forbids a painting of a naked nymph on a bottle of wine. (Yes, Alabama...I'll never let you live that one down.)

Still...hands down the naughtiest costume ever (and Walmart even sold it) in my opinion is this bovine one; be forewarned...this will make you spit milk out of your nose if you're drinking it when you look...and how appropriate is that?


  1. What? Still no updated pic of the Hooters Hole?

  2. That cow costume is wrong on so many levels!

  3. No hole yet - well...you know...no Hooters' hole yet. I swear I have to toss my camera in the car at nite...because I don't remember in the a.m.

    Yes...the costume is so incredibly wrong on so many levels. When I first saw it (quite some years ago) in Walmart...I literally was on the floor laughing.

  4. It would be really wrong if the partner came as a bull; alcohol might just take over during the evening and people might learn a new thing or two about the cows and bulls.

  5. I have also seen this costume and busted out laughing..it's so wrong it's funny!! I was looking at the 'Party City' Halloween catalog the other day and the 'Stewie' costume is just awful and gives me nightmares

  6. That costume is udderly preposterous. I'll be sure to steer away from that type of embarrassment. I'd steak my life on it. Makes me wanna chuck the whole holiday, as I take no stock in such foolishness. I've never herd such nonsense. I have no beef with Christmas, but I surely have a bone to pick with the costumed crowd.

    Wow, I veal much better now.

  7. Knucklehead...I sense your above comment is laced with bull. ;)

  8. When you said you were "literally was on the floor laughing", are you implying that you were on the surface that which people walk, reading from some hilarious bovine novel? Or were you guffawing so hard that all eight of your teats become exposed, causing the fine city of Montgomery to impose a law against selling costumes with crotch-level penii? (yes, I used the plural)

  9. Anon - Okay, let me clarify myself: I didn't exactly fall to the floor - but I had to sit on the little shelf that is about 3 inches off the floor and I was laughing so hard I was crying and trying to catch my breath...and I was buckled over...so had there not been a little ledge...yes...I would have been on the floor. No small feat when you have had a couple lung surgeries...trust me...you don't want to laugh as hard as that costume made me. No bovine novels...such as - um "Madame Bovinery" or anything. ;)

    I am going now Ladytruth. :)

  10. Andria from HMO and the forum here- Just saw your blog for the first time, and I had much the same experience as you describe here when I went to my local Halloween store. Last year, it was in a closed-down Wickes furniture store. The year before, it was on the ground floor of an old Montgomery Ward store. This year, it is inside a former Future Shop electronics store that has been closed for nearly 10 years. So at least in my neck of the woods, Halloween stores are strictly temporary businesses that open around the end of September and close at the beginning of November. And no, I'm not going to a party dressed as a nun, since I find that to be inappropriate. Great blog, btw! :-)