A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

17 August 2009

Hooters' Hole

Sobriety checks, red light cameras, and designated drivers. They are all deterrents to driving drunk...but I think I've found something MUCH better.

Behold, the "Hooters' Hole":

A few of these strategically placed things around Montgomery and it will be like a worm on a hook, a bit of cheese in a mousetrap, or a moth to a flame.

Those of you who have seen it in the daytime pulling out of the Twin Oaks Shopping Center (aka the Hooters/TJMaxx/Fresh Market) parking lot might have had to swerve a bit or drive into the oncoming lane when making a right turn. Those of you who are unfamiliar that it's there...especially at nite...well, good luck to you. It's a force to be reckoned...or at least negotiated around...with.

Then it got me thinking, "Just how many people, perhaps a little over the .08 legal limit, have gotten behind the wheel of their car only to find themselves calling for a tow truck?" Hey, I've clipped that thing with my back right wheel in the daytime with no alcohol in me - and I know it's there! Imagine being a little impaired in the dark...and you've got the perfect DUI trap.

So, I called up Hooters tonite (Sunday) and spoke with the manager (who was extremely nice and tolerated my line of wacky questioning) to ask her if she knew of anyone who stomped back inside after getting swallowed up by the hole. You can't really tell by the photo - but that thing's gotta have a three foot sudden drop-off...and it's not confined to only being IN the parking lot. The perimeter of this baby is huge...slowly swallowing up the street...kinda like some alien blob. In fact, the manager herself said she damaged the underside of her car the other day turning a bit too sharply. I disagree. You don't HAVE to turn sharply to end up in this hole...all you have to do is turn into your lane...the sheer placement of the thing will do the rest. As I said earlier, you basically have to drive into the oncoming lane in order to avoid that thing - especially if you have a long car...or a van like I do.

While she didn't know of anyone who got stuck or drove into this hole, it could just be they managed to get out of it before the police showed up. Face it, if you damage your car driving into a hole on the side of the street leaving a bar after you've had a couple drinks...you just might not want to alert the authorities or have them alerted by some tow truck's flashing lights. You're going to make as little a scene as possible.

And speaking of scenes...this scary thing has been on the scene being seen by me for years. What is up with the county not doing something about it? Does someone have to get badly injured before anyone takes the initiative to come out there and fix the thing? There's a couple more mini-holes growing each day in that same parking lot that will soon progress to "wok hole" status (it's too large to be classified as a plain old pot hole) if they aren't attended to in the near future.

So, to borrow and tweak Mark Bullock's signature "Clean up!" phrase he so eloquently trumpets when admonishing restaurants with failing Montgomery County Health Department scores in WSFA News' "Food For Thought" segment...all I can say to ALDOT about this hole is...

"Fill up!"

I apologize to those of you out there who were expecting to read this blogumn replete with countless "Hooters' boobies" puns and references...as I refrained. But if you ask me very nicely in an email...I'm sure I could accommodate you. ;)


  1. I felt so at home reading this post! You see, we have potholes the size of that thing we have to dodge every day as well. It makes for countless hours of fun testing your driving skills :)

  2. Well I was going to say: "A hole like that...who's going to miss it?!" But quite obviously, the dishonourable trench causes considerable trouble to wary and unwary alike!
    A very enjoyable, and expressive write-up, beautifully addressing the willful neglect of responsibility for the safety of road users by failure to rectify the situation. I do hope your words of wisdom fall upon the right ears for this matter to be "closed" at the earliest opportunity.

  3. what a big hole!! I know what you mean tho...we have a big hole in my apt complex parking lot--right in front of the mail room-makes for some fancy maneuvering!! I certainly hope something gets done about this

  4. Thank you "anonymous" - yes, it would be nice to have it filled in - as you really do have to go out of your way NOT to hit that darned thing. I don't know how things get put on the "to fix" list - but I think I'll contact the ALDOT people to see just where it stands (if it stands) on the list. I'm sure there are tons more needing to be attended to around the city.

  5. You misspelled "night" and "tonight". Just sayin'.

  6. I could use one of these holes next-door to me, to swallow up my disgusting neighbors.

  7. Yes, Sherri, I could also use a couple of these holes, preferably with fire ants, spikes and rattlesnakes in them - but it seems we really never get what we really want, does it? Oh well. I guess there'll be even more bitching in my next blog to make up for it. I'm all loopey on Ambien right now - can't even find the keys. Plus I'll have no idea I wrote this....which is always fun. :)