A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

15 April 2006

'Breakout' of the Randomness

I am soooooooo old. How do I know I'm soooooooo old? Have any of you of the age of...say...remembering the 70's clearly...tried playing any video games lately? Oh my expertise ended with Space Invaders...and damn I was good. I confess...I never got into pinball...I had friends who were into pinball...I freaked out each time the thing said "TILT". Maybe, if I'm lucky, four or five of you out there reading this will understand what I just said...I am soooooo old.

I also never played Pac-Man...Ms Pac-Man or anything you had to put a quarter into. I did, however buy an Atari USED. How pathetic is that? A used Atari...it's a game player, people...remember "Pong"? Ever heard of "Pong"? Oh...go ask your father...sigh. I did...I bought one LONG before you could go ONLINE and go to eBay and bid on things...ready for this? I had to LOOK in the paper for someone actually SELLING one. Then I had to physically GO to their house and buy it. You might not actually believe this...but I still have it...along with the 10 games I bought it with. Oh...there was Pong...Asteroids, some really bad Skiing game...and like six others I never played and then there was the coup de grace...Space Invaders!

Oh, I soooooooo ruled playing Space Invaders...I would kick everyone's butt. Well, remember, this was on an Atari game system...but I soooooo pwned people. Well, back then we called it "creamed". But I was good at it.

Now back to my original question...have any of you "older people" played any video games lately? I have an 18-year-old son and a 10-year-old daughter...both can annihilate me. This is how I see it - anything more complicated than a typical Atari joystick...ain't gonna happen. This newfangled thingy you use has like 8 buttons...how do you REMEMBER where 8 buttons are, let alone WHAT they are and what combination you have to push to do things? Nowadays you go online...get cheat codes and become invincible. In Atari you just got killed...you started over again and you got killed again...until someone told you some tidbit of info like "Psssst...Pac-Man ghosts only go in ONE direction"..."Dude...you gotta be kidding me...how did I NOT figure that out???" Only we said "man" and not "dude"...again factor in the age factor.

But I sit and play Super Smash Bros. and One Piece Grand Battle...with my ONE character, "Sir Crocodile" or "Mr 0" as he's called...and I just found that out...I just pick the same guy...and I still suck. Stick with the same guy...there's 19 of them and each one does special attacks and a secret attack and you grab the fruit and it gives you power and you grab the crystal and you get more lives and what the heck am I doing? I press buttons randomly...no purpose...randomly. My son lets me win periodically..."Oh you are doing good...see? You won this time...you are getting better." Oh, right...press the "A" button three times? I have to stop and look down to SEE which one IS the "A" button...and it's the BIG button. I am sooooooo lame...I am sooooooo old. I am soooooooo pwned.


  1. You know, you're absolutely right. You ARE old!

  2. I am indeed old...but I'm not as old as SOME people...cough cough bucko cough.