A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

18 March 2006

Grimice and Bear It

TLC...yes, that's "The Learning Channel", showed "What Not to Underwear" last nite...I guess a take off...hmmmm...of their "What Not to Wear" show....sad sad. You know I remember the days when TLC had documentaries on...you know...things that kinda hinted at why they had the "Learning" bit in their name...ancient Egypt, pyramids, Aztec cultures, etc. Now it's all What Not to Wear, Trading Spaces, Trading Houses, Trading Pets, Pimp My Tattoo, etc. Okay, so I made a couple of them up...but the fact remains...it's NOT the same channel it used to be...case in point, some "highlights" from the show, in case you were lucky and missed it:

They have these three women who have okay bodies...but apparently the women just hate themselves...or they want the $6000 in new undies...I'm still debating that one. Anyway, they don't look bad at all...but, wait, we MUST fix them...and the reason they are looking so schlumpy...they, DUH...are wearing the wrong undies! (Insert hand on hip attitude stance look here.)

So, out come these women and the hosts (a pleasantish man and an irritating as anything woman)...and using tongs (yes, I said tongs...thongs come later) and donning rubber gloves...they proceed to pick on the women's undies...literally...from the clothesline (by tongs)...then verbally trashing them...then actually trashing them. Queen Nefertiti had nothing on this show.

Cut to commercial break: "Brought to you by Victoria's Secret"...who woulda thought?

"The fine points of underwear"...they said it...I didn't. Personally, I woulda flashed a Madonna 'cone-bra' image on-screen when this was uttered if I was directing...but they missed the opportunity. But...now it's off to shop! Let's see if we can humiliate...then dehumiliate these women all in the span of the next 40 minutes.

Ya know - I've never had to have two people accompany me to buy underwear in my life...is this a problem our country is facing? Women not being able to pick out their own underwear without a female and male consultant?

Yippee, it's panty time...aka "thongs and butts"...she's saying (verbatim...I played it back a dozen times...I have a TiVo...didn't want to miss any of this choice dialogue) "Hey, I really expected to feel this just really restricted feeling right in my butt...but it's funny, I don't feel the string...I mean maybe if I walked around and I was being very energetic...I would have to see if it slipped around or not." Again...is this a looming national crisis we have on our hands - women all over the nation rising up...oh sorry...bad pun.

Okay...in the end the women were happy...and in the front, too...but did we REALLY have to SEE this??

I'm not a prude...but c'mon...that's why they put doors on the dressing rooms, people.

1 comment:

  1. I suggest that we form a "hit squad" of sorts (killing not actually involved unless they really, really need it) and go after these lame excuses for "reality shows". If we're supposed to "Discover" anything from having watched two mean-spirited bitches telling a woman that everything she's ever decided to wear in her life was wrong wrong worng, it's that we were humungous suckers for sitting through it.

    No, what's called for is a stealthy surprise visit whenever they're filming. Three or four bullhorns with people chanting in unison: "Who the hell cares what you think?"

    I know that I don't care. Sure, I appreciate a Victoria's-Secret-level set of alluring lingerie on a woman. Face it, though, they aren't going to wear that every day. So, on the other days, if I'm in the presence of a woman who's down to nothing but her underwear, my focus is on getting that off of her, too.

    Call me crazy.