A Bit About Me

My photo
Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

02 December 2012

The Times They Are A-Changin'

Well, all this month I am challenging myself to start writing again by attempting to do a blog every other day. Yes, I've seen people do that "blog a day" thing - but I don't like being a sheep...so I decided "every other day" would be much, much, much more original.

I must admit that I used to have some belief in myself that I could write a book...but upon going to Barnes & Noble the other day, I have decided I have no chance in hell as everyone has a series and no one writes just one book at a time anymore. You have to have a set - and they have to be all about sex and clowns and vampires and horror...and basically, I've had the life sucked out of me by a clown I used to have sex with and I don't want to relive that horror by writing about it over and over again.

So, here goes my feeble attempt at writing again. Bear with me...I might take a few tries to get back in my stride, that is, if I ever had one.

(Some of the blogs this month were thought of quite a while ago...but I thought I would write them anyway.)

The Times They Are A-Changin'

So, I laid in bed again until the sun was set. This is nothing new as I'm not a morning person...which baffles most people altho I haven't a clue why. I can totally understand someone going to bed at 8:00 and waking up at 4:00 regardless of the a.m. or p.m. factor.

The only problem I have with it is that other people like to phone me up whilst I'm in my Ambien coma...and then they expect me to carry on a normal conversation which they expect me to remember later. I pretty much answer the phone with a disclaimer, "Hello...uh...since I'm Ambien right now, could you possibly call back later so I can have some idea of who you are or what we just said...or just leave a message on my answering machine?"

But, most times they won't understand, and they keep on talking altho it is clear to anyone listening to me...that I am not listening to them. Now I know I am prone to droning on and on and rambling - but usually not rambling incoherently like I do when I take my Ambien. Then, when I call them later (usually doctor's offices) they act like I should remember my conversation - but they are well aware of what Ambien does to a person...and I find that disconcerting as I am entrusting these people with the welfare of my health.

Anyway...I do digress...

...another problem with waking up much later than everyone else has to do with the time change. Why they still flip-flop the clocks back and forth is beyond me. Supposedly it was because of farmers and the daylight and their sheep being startled when the sun set earlier (like who hasn't used that excuse with the sheep...am I right Scotland?)...or something dealing with their crops and plowing.

But, as I get no sunshine in my body because I see no sunshine...I am left probably feeling like I do because of a huge lack of Vitamin D in my body. Truth be told I could easily be a vampire if it wasn't for that whole biting the neck and drinking blood bit...not because I dislike the taste of blood - I find it kinda tasty, at least my own...but I would be all germaphobic and would have to wait until the tests came back and by that time my victim would be long gone and I'd be toast as the only time the doctors ever call back is during the daytime.

But...honestly, why do they need to switch the clocks around anymore? They've found (the same "they" as always - "they" know stuff we don't) that losing that hour makes people more prone to health issues, causes more traffic accidents, and makes everyone pretty unbearable for half the year. And just when everyone is getting back to normal...they switch it again and everyone is off kilter again.

The strange thing is that not everyone observes it...and you could be working in a place up the road that doesn't...and just think how incredibly annoying that would be half the year. Also, why does Alaska even use it? Isn't it dark half the year there anyway? How would they even know what time it was by looking outside? Why would they care? They could shave off three hours and no one would be the wiser...and it's not like they are plowing a whole hell of a lot of crops in Alaska with the no hours of daylight...unless they are a big mushroom producer (because mushrooms grow in the dark), which they aren't...and I know this because "they" have told me that Pennsylvania is the mushroom capital of the US.

Heaven help me...I know trivia about mushroom production...and with that, seriously, I need to catch up on some sleep. That was sleep, not sheep...so don't you all try to blame it on the Ambien as we are on MY time now and I know what I'm saying even if you don't remember what I've said.


  1. This is a wonderfully addled rant on the strangeness of being a night person, a condition to wich I totally relate. Also, it's nice to see you writing again, Mariann. I recently took it up again myself.

  2. You had me cracking up again. First with your comments on the series of books (I am currently finishing up Sue Grafton's series, and am somewhat addicted to another series about vampires and horror and romance - sort of a million times better version of Twilight done BEFORE Twilight). Then again with the time change. I was always told we changed time for school, for back in the days when kids went to school AND worked on the farm, so they could get more daylight hours. Arizona doesn't change though. Recently they changed WHEN time changes; but they didn't change the FACT that we change time. I don't pretend to understand it. Ours is not to question why... :) Thanks for entertaining me Mariann. :)

  3. Thanks, Mike. I noticed a couple grammatical mistakes...and I hate that after the fact. I also hate the fact that if I go back in and fix the wonky spacing...the spacing will get more out of whack. So, if I do go back in to correct my mistakes...it will take me a good 40 minutes of frustration where I finally give up and one will have two line breaks and one will have three and one will have none. So...there. I know where my mistakes are - and I am so anal I want to change them so badly - but I really don't want the line spacing any further screwed up. Oh...I'd be so sitting on my hands right now to stop myself from changing them if I weren't typing at the moment.

  4. Thank you, anonymous person. :)

    Truth be told - I rather liked my "sex with a clown" comment...as it was totally thought of after I wrote the first part...but without thinking of setting it up. I don't often laugh or think my stuff is funny when I go to read it after (it's slightly amusing in my head...but getting it to flop out of my head and have everyone think of how it was in my head - is the hard part of writing, I guess) - but I did like the "clown/horror/sex/suck the life out of me" bit.

    Sad...but true and slightly funny when I think of it in a whole different way than I usually think of it. :)

  5. I happen to like Daylight Saving Time. Being a night person and not having early morning commitments most days, I can go to bed at say 3am, get up around 9am, and still have that extra daylight hour for outdoor/away from the house activities.

    Are you aware of China's time policy? China spans 5 time zones based on Coordinated Universal Time (UTC), but the entire country uses one clock setting based upon Bejing's UTC (Zulu+8). It means that in eastern China it could be noon UTC but in western China it's 7am UTC, but both clocks will read the same. Imagine adjusting to that.

  6. I've never understood why some people feel it is their right to tell you which hours you should be awake. MY WIFE and I both like to nap on weekends. Her sister will sometimes call when she's napping, and she'll say, Why is she sleeping now? It's the middle of the day!" I'm just enough of a jerk to say, "And?"

  7. Much like you I am a night person too. And that's why I have to shut my phone off altogether once I finally get to sleep, because there is NO WAY I can carry on a conversation or remember ANYTHING that was said!

  8. I've had chronic insomnia since as far back as I can remember...three-years-old maybe. Just because I CAN function with hardly any hours sleep doesn't mean I want to...and yeah...if I want to sleep at noon why is it a problem to everyone else? I don't get upset because they went to bed at 9:00 p.m.

  9. Lastly, you should know that the online therapist finder
    is really appropriate. Your talents can also be of use in rehabilitation centers.

    You will also get the chance to participate in discussions along with your fellow students.
    Here is my web-site - http://my.opera.com