A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

05 December 2010

Bulging at the Seams With That "Can-Do" Christmas Spirit

'Tis the season of giving...where we open our hearts to share our good fortune...and our cupboards to share our bounty...with those less fortunate than ourselves...

...or so the old heartfelt sentiments they've instilled in us would have you believe.

Okay...back to that thought in a minute...I just wanted to say I was in a slump the last month and didn't write a blog. One could say I was tired of making the rounds to countless doctors' offices and, coupled with reading endless dismal news items centering on people killing children...or more precisely, their own children (or in their blood-line somehow) - like the one yesterday about a grandmother nonchalantly tossing their grandchild off the third floor Fairfax County, Virginia, mall's balcony to her death...well, I was figuring life itself doesn't hold enough jubilation for me to write about...lately.

That was...until today.

Today I went to yet another doctor's office and spied a ginormous sparkly wrapping-papered box sitting next to the television cabinet in the waiting room.

I, of course, went to peer inside as I am the curious sort.

Inside were a few cans. Oh, isn't that nice - a box set out for people to give to others who can't afford their deductible or health insurance to start with. Nice sentiment and all, right?

Guess again.

Out of the (maybe) nine cans inside...seven were dented. And not dented a little. Not like the ones that used to be in the mark-down aisle in any supermarket when I was a kid -- the ones we'd routinely consume because the difference between 35 cents and 29 cents was a large enough amount of money to risk your family's health because you were too strapped for cash to pony out the extra six cents. We're talking majorly mangled...bordering on seepage and explosion upon contact. I didn't look closely enough to see if the expiration dates were from the 1990's. Something held me back in the hope that human kindness wouldn't allow such a thing.



But then again...human "kindness" decided to go foraging for cans of stuff they bought ages ago (think "ghost of Christmases past" impulse buys like decadent French chestnuts or Dickensian English plum pudding)...or accidentally dropped from off the top shelf whilst looking for more "normal" things to eat. Then think of someone actually starting up their $48,000+ automobile and driving all the way to the doctor's office to gingerly insert them in a bedazzled box destined for people less fortunate than themselves to consume. Keep in mind these are the very same people who wouldn't think twice about tossing out a can of Fancy Feast cat food if it had so much as a friggen ripped label.

So, it's okay to give sub-par food to someone you don't have any ties to...it's okay...because, as they say: "It's the thought that counts."

Ugh.


(Written "the other day"...but not posted until today.)

10 comments:

  1. 'Tis the season, Mariann. Glad to see you posting again! It's been too long.

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  2. And a big, "Bah, humbug" to you too!
    ;-)

    Nice to see you're sorta resurrected! And I totally agree with your sentiments on the "I give to the poor, too!" wannabees.

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  3. This is truly brilliant, Mariann, though terribly sad. Is there nobody left in this country to stand up for the downtrodden and poor people of this country? Not even at Christmas, for Christ's sake? I hope there is.

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  4. All my comment notifications seem to have ended up in my spam bin. Bad aol.

    Anon - it's been already fixed.

    Chris - Thanks. I did take a rather long break in there, didn't I?

    Thank you Double 00. :)

    Mike - I know - it really annoyed me. Like they aren't worth ONE uncrushed can?

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  5. Sure did take a long break, I was gettin' worried. It's good to have you back..

    A very good point you bring up Mariann. One uncrushed can ain't a lot... it's possible all the bent cans came from one cheapskate trying to make a quantity over quality imperssion.

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  6. Nice to see you back!

    I especially like the other big-deal gift - which I have been guilty of, myself, so no karma points for me dissing others about it - when folks are asked for food donations and they donate the undented can of pickled beets that's been in the cabinet for six years.

    "Hell, I'm never going to eat that. I'll give that to the poor folk."

    The odd thing is in trying to remember why the can of pickled beets was ever bought in the first place. Oh, well. If the poor don't like it, let them eat creamed corn.

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  7. Grumpy - Well, that may be so - but I've seen it so many times in those canned donation things...I think it's pretty commonplace.

    Sully - I, too, have been guilty of giving stuff I bought and then said "Hmmmmmm...Cream of Turtle Soup? When the hell did I buy this...and why???" - but I can honestly say I do check the expiration dates and have never given anything expired...unless you count Ramen Noodles which always taste expired regardless of the expiration date.

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  8. turtle soup spooned over ramen noodles! a banquet in my house.

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  9. I usually go to the supermarket to buy stuff for the food bank. We don't get the most expensive things, but we do get the stuff that is not in dented packaging or expired. We also go to the local toy store to get new toys for tots. And we enjoy doing it.

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