A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

22 June 2010

Cougar? I Didn't Even KISS Her!

CougarA Cougar is a female, usually between thirty and fifty years-old, who enjoys the sexual company of younger men. Cougars are only usually interested in men under the age of twenty-five.

Well, I guess I could possibly fall into that category if: 1) I was attracted to 20-year-old guys; and 2) I'd enjoy sexual company of them. As it stands I'm about as asexual as I am apolitical. (I know...line forms to the right, guys...what a catch, huh?)


...the male equivalent, I'm guessing , would be the "dirty old man" or "that creepy old dude".

Now, I know it's nothing new for older men to have younger girlfriends, but in my opinion:

1) If you are the guy - other than sex, what's the point? It's not like you can reminisce about the "good old days". But maybe that IS the thing. It's that age-old problem: "My husband/boyfriend never talks to me." Well, this is an excellent way around that, isn't it, guys? Hmmmmm...there might be some logic in this thinking after all.

2) Why would any hot, young chick want to see an old naked guy? I've seen one. Trust me, it's not that pretty...nor is it remotely comical enough to lend itself being seen on a routine basis. Face it, even the best joke gets stale if you hear it a couple times.

But, while I can't relate, personally, with a man's point of view, I can relate to a woman's. There's a couple things I'd like to get off my non-plastic chest (the last of which would be my bra) about this whole "Cougar" phenomenon.

No, seriously women. Think about it. We are vain creatures...you can fess up...it's true. The guys all know anyway. They're worse than us...but that's another blog.

As vain creatures we buy all sorts of things to make us look attractive. We endure 3 and 4-inch heels, that only a handful of people can actually gracefully walk in. C'mon, you know what I mean...and those of you who can't, you know who you are. If it weren't for the fabulous outfit you got at the mall and the impeccable nails you just had done, that hunched over bent-kneed walk you're sporting looks less than runway and more like "run away!" It's a pretty spot-on impersonation of that large striding Bigfoot sighting caught on film...and walking like that or a mountain goat coming down off the cliff side isn't that becoming. If you're doing that, you might want to rethink that heel size.

But I digress once again.

Lipsticks, hair dye, haircuts, manicures, tanning beds, facial creams, eyebrow and bikini waxes, palates, thongs, and push-up bras...are only a small sampling of the things we do to keep up our appearance...but it's inevitable, we WILL age. Gravity happens. "Perky" is not a word you will ever hear describing anything about you once you are on the "slide down side" of forty, unless you are Katie Couric - and even then it's said in a condescending tone.

Why then...WHY...would you subject yourself to the humiliation of some 20-year-old guy seeing you "sans" clothing?

You girls all know you play a certain game when you get in the bedroom and it's not the one the boys think. You've practiced it in countless mirrors...you got it down to a science...it is a science - the science of looking better than you do. You pose yourself in certain ways in certain lights...candles and darkness are your friends...and a couple well-timed Martinis don't hurt, either.

And when you're alone...you have another game you play: you lift your head and angle your face just so in order to take all those photos you take of yourself. You experiment until you get it right. You might even have collagen or Botox injections in all the right grooves...you might even have a boob job, but do you want to see something which will stop you right in your Jimmy Choo Cougar-tracks? If you don't have some surgical interventions...go grab a couple tissues.

Now go and grab a hand mirror outta the bathroom. If you have one with the regular mirror on one side and the magnifying one on the other side...all the better. Now hold it up to look at your face - you still look pretty hot, right? Now, holding that same exact mirror - bend forward at the waist so your face is now facing the floor.

Scary, huh?

Now, take that same mirror and lie, face-up, on the bed. Whoa! Instant face lift...a good 10 years shaved off without any surgery...maybe 20 comes off if you HAVE surgery.

But, unfortunately for all us ladies, there's not too many legitimate jobs which require you to lie flat on your back all day. So, this is why my next piece of advice is one I'm sticking to.

I don't know about you, but I certainly would rather be the better looking naked one out of the pair of us. Maybe that's why I was never attracted to those Chippendales guys...I don't want to compete with someone whose body looks better than mine. I already have a complete lack of self-esteem...give me the most out of shape guy (well, maybe not THE most out of shape guy) with a brain. Sixty? Fine. 40? Eh. 20? Hell, no! I'm not incredibly vain but I'd also like to keep those last three shreds of confidence that I do have.

So, me...a Cougar? Nah, more like a gray panther.

(Originally written, but not published, approximately three years ago.)


  1. I think you underestimate the focused nature of a horny man.

    Women tend to be 'big picture', taking in all that is to be seen. Thus, you see all of the flaws. Men, on the other hand, zero in on one (or two) things at a time, and if we see something that isn't quite arousing, we have the ability to compartmentalize that aspect and move on to some other part we find enticing. At least, that's my experience.

    The differing sexual peaks of men and women enter into this, too, I suppose. The general sexual peak years for men are teens and twenties, while women - or so I've heard - peak, gratification-wise, in their thirties and forties. So, I've always felt that young men with older women, and vice-versa, seems about right for the orgasmic needs.

    Having said all of that, I'm happily married to a woman slightly older than me, and I'm 53. Add it all up and... your guess is as good as mine!

  2. Sully pretty much nailed it there. One or two redeeming characteristics is all we really need. You'll never hear a guy say, "She'd be perfect if it weren't for her thighs." We'd just ignore the thighs and focus on other things.

    We're easy that way.

  3. To me, it's really about liberation. A lot of "cougars" are women who are divorced who have been through it all - the did everything they were suppose to in the traditional sense. They changed their names, worked three jobs (their full time job PLUS doing all the housework PLUS raising the kids) and then 14 or so years later he's just not into her anymore. They wake up.

    All the absolutes are gone. They realize life is what you make it and that forever doesn't exist as in the marriage vows and they take life in a more realistic manner. They've relaxed about life, about sex.

    So they take their divorce settlement and go to university to get that degree that they shunted aside in their marital agreement and if a young man should come along who wants to aid in her studies, why not lol!

    I think women just relax more at that age and are more at ease with their bodies, with their life and aren't as high anxiety cause the worst HAS happened to them already so everything else just rolls off like rain on a well waxed car.

    I know for myself, I am a LOT more laid back now then when I was in my 20's. It just comes with experience and so what if older women and younger men want to sleep together. Seriously. So what?

  4. Oooh, I like anon's comment. I for one, am 100% in the game for Cougars. I am one (see my blog posts at http://icougar.blogspot.com). But, it has to be for the right reasons. There should always be mutual respect between two people. Otherwise -- bad mojo happens.


  5. I loved this post. But I do want to state that I am very good at walking in heels. I can even run in them if necessary. When I'm older, I'm not going to be a cougar either. I don't need to get a complex about my looks because I'm sleeping with someone 15 years my junior.

  6. Anons - Well, my outlook towards things certainly has changed...and about relationships and such. So, while I can see younger men liking that in an older woman...I still would like to be the one who looks better naked. ;)

    I, too, ScrewDestiny, can walk and run in heels - but there's so many who look like they are just clopping.

    Sully and Chris - I also understand what you're saying - but when a much older lady is hanging at a "young crowd" bar...don't guys just think she's either easy or pathetic? I'm not being mean here...as I'm in that age bracket now. I'm just wondering.

    I honestly don't think I'd feel totally comfortable with a much younger guy - a few years younger, yes...but not 20 years or so.

  7. I would guess that some might see her as 'easy', depending upon how open and inviting she was being, but that's not a bad thing to most men. I find it's the women who usually have a problem with that sort of behavior, not men :-)

  8. Nonsense. You're hot for Justin Bieber and you know it.

  9. I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't bad at all, and I found myself thinking that
    she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Texas Tandem? "It's a mother and daughter
    threesome," she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what
    this daughter of hers might look like, I said, breathlessly "No, I haven't." We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, "Tonight's your lucky night."
    We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
    "Mom, you still awake ?"

  10. You're a very beautiful woman. Men of all ages would surely delight in your company. Just like my friends from this my escort site.

  11. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at the "bending over and looking into the mirror" comment!! I have done that and it IS scary. What's also scary: I was in my living room the other day wearing just a tshirt and panties (scary enough yet?-LOL) and I was bending over doing something and happened to look behind me. I had a large mirrow propped up against the wall and I was able to see a "back" shot of me. At first I thought it was my mother--all those wrinkles and dimples!! I have now got my Mother's thighs (I told Mom that story the other day and she got a good laugh)

  12. loved the joke Anonymous (at least I hope it was a joke) ;) ;)

  13. Love this article! My husband is 15 years younger than I. We've been happily married for over 20 years. Honey, if it works it works, and age is nothing but a number. I'm 64, and my husband will turn 50 next April. And I still look better than he does naked (and he's not bad!)

  14. Now, that's the way to do it, Linda. He wouldn't happen to have a nice older or younger brother for me, would he?

    I swear I have no idea how people meet other people in this town. I certainly have not been successful. And going out to dinner once in a while would be nice.

  15. Alex has a lot of cousins, but they are mainly on the Navajo Reservation. I met Alex at the top of the Hyatt Regency when I was with my daughter (14) and her friend. Alex was a sailor getting ready to leave on a 6 month cruise having a drink with about 10 buddies. I gave him my card at the end of the evening and he wrote to me for six months while he was at sea. Never expected romance out of this one!

  16. That is so sweet. I wish I had a romantic guy.

    Things like this restore my faith in things like "love" and "until death do us part" and stuff like that. So, maybe one day...maybe one day...

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