A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

17 February 2008

A Trick of the Eye

I'm sure this has happened to everyone at some time...you catch a partial glimpse of a word with another following it, underneath it, etc., and you have to do a double-take as you think it says something completely different from what it is, most often enough, pretty risque...or totally nonsensical. This story centers around one such happenstance specifically.

I first did this a year or so ago travelling down Route 231 driving from Montgomery back to my house when out of the corner of my eye I see a little strip mall with about four or five stores in it...and one named, or what I spied it as, "PRECISION CRAP". I did that little "whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis" head thing and, of course, the word was not "CRAP", but "CPAP"...which, I know even less about than the other...but, naturally, I made a mental note to look up what "CPAP" was when I arrived home, which, even more naturally, I forgot to do on several dozen such subsequent trips.

But that didn't stop me from remarking to myself, and then, on later excursions, to my children, that had I ever really wanted a brilliant marketing ploy...naming a store "Precision Crap" would be sure to bring in a buttload of people...yes, pun intended. I'm not one to buy whoopee cushions or gag items from mall stores to give to my friends when they get married...but you can bet your as...(oh, that's just too easy)...let's just say you can bet more than a few dollars I would have sauntered into that store by now had the name actually been that. And who could blame me...and who wouldn't do the same?

Face it...the curiosity factor alone would (not to mention the overflowing parking lot from others with the same inclination as I) have gotten me to double back to take a looksie inside to see just what crap they are selling and why it is so precise. Would it actually BE bathroom items? Could it be a stool gauge? (Yes, someone out there is selling these...or at least I think they are.) Or is it more of the "difference between a 5/16 inch wrench and a metric one nearly identical in size" preciseness? How about those little metal slidey gap devises they put between that bent doodle of your spark plug and the plug itself kinda things? I mean, SOMEONE has to sell them...whatever they are called...and they ARE pretty precise. But a whole store devoted to those? Nah...I bet they'd have shelves and shelves of stuff LIKE that, or nothing like that...but precise nonetheless.

And who wouldn't want to buy at least something from the store so they could show their friends the bag with the words "Precision Crap" meticulously centered eight centimeters from each side, in exactly direct proportional pitched font to always, always maintain those measurements? They are, after all, THE precision crap specialists. They wouldn't get the big bucks for just approximate crap...anyone can do that...it takes nerves of 18/10 stainless steel to churn this stuff out consistently correct.

And speaking of being correct, I mentioned this whole incident to a friend, who knew exactly what a CPAP was...and I looked it up, and sure enough, he was right. They are masks to wear when you have sleep apnea...and when you suffer from that, you certainly don't want to take your chances at the "IMPRECISE CPAP" store...because, rest assured, their stuff IS crap.


  1. Tiffany and Co. 5th Ave. New York, and then right next door to it, Precision Crap. Oh that would be sweet, and they'd probably do a brisker business than Tiffany.

    Alas, precise crap is permanently out of reach, an impossible dream, the El Dorado for the HMO crowd, but it does make a very pleasing oxymoron. And if anyone ever used the name on their store front, I'd be there in a heartbeat. I'd be there wandering around, amusing myself with all the little knick knacks and, like with the Discovery Channel Store in the mall, I would eventually wander out without buying anything at all.

    The Precision Cpap store begs the question, "how does a store that sells nothing but masks for people with sleep apnea actually stay in business?" There must be a healthy demand in the state of Alabama. But that's a subject for another blog.


  2. A person who knows what CPAP is must have had to use one, knew someone who used one, or has needs to get out more often. You are right, someone who could get away with such a powerful “truth in Advertising” would make a s…load of money from the curious or the compulsive shoppers who only know how to buy. Therapeutic shopping would be Dr. Phil’s next mantra of healing. A satellite store could be labeled “Stuff”.
    I always wanted to open two restaurants called “ITS UP TO YOU” AND “I DON’T CARE”. I WOULD BE A RICH MAN. To eavesdrop on conversations occurring all over the world in infinite numbers:
    Spouse #1- Lets go out to eat.
    Spouse #2 –Where do you want to go?
    Spouse #1- I DON’T CARE!!
    Spouse #1 – ITS UP TO YOU!!
    The wealth would now flow into my coffers all due to my ingenious way of providing the proper venue for the choices made. Now I need to decide the menu for these establishments (examples: what are you having?, order me something, I can’t decide, what’s the special?, I am not really that hungry, etc). Hunger is now overwhelming me, ergo, I think I will make some Muchada and beans for dinner. ADIOS