"Eye brake for..."

Inner workings of a state of the art laser weapon or brake light? You decide.

Buzz Lightyear had it wrong...it's not "To infinity and beyond!" - it's "An Infinity from behind...

...is really, really, really annoying!"

Seriously...can someone say "severe retinal damage"?

While my new saying might not be as catchy as the original, I am going to go out on a limb here and say the only man-made objects you can see from space other than "The Great Wall of China" are Infinity brake lights.

If you are behind someone, especially at night, and you feel the membrane peeling off your eye as easily as the skin on a grape, chances are that car in front of you is an Infinity.

If you've ever been patiently waiting behind the guy with 17 items in the "15 items or less" aisle in the store and caught a glimpse of that red multi-light scanner doohickey and it gave you flashbacks to the "Sandman scene in Logan's Run with Farrah Fawcett vivaciously aiding the laser-happy plastic surgeon"...you'll have a tiny understanding of what I'm trying to get across here.

If you've ever had the inclination (with or without having a buzz) to look down the working barrel of a laser pointer and then, like a total idiot, turn it on...well...I think you get the message by now.

Why these lights have to be twice the brightness of anything an arc welder deals with is beyond me.

Have the designers who okayed the 20,000,000 foot-candle luminosity of the light system ever driven BEHIND one of their cars? As with other automotive manufacturers, they might stand behind their cars...but I'm inclined to believe they do so only in the daytime.

I was driving home from Birmingham the other night when what should pull out before me during rush-hour traffic, but a car with tail lights doing more damage to my cornea than any solar eclipse ever could. Between stops I managed to glimpse the type of car: Infinity.

I tried in vain to let someone else get in front of me. I nearly came to a dead stop and signaled to the merging drivers to "go ahead of me". Certainly any car between me and the Infinity would be a welcome change. Any car that is, but another friggen Infinity!

I kid you not...there must be about 170,092 of them in Birmingham and each of them was damned determined to get in front of me on the way home that night. Each time I figured I'd get a reprieve...a traffic light...a guy weaving in and out of traffic like a bat out of hell...you got it -- another Infinity.

My eyes felt like they were bleeding razor blades by the time a late model truck with a missing taillight and a smelly exhaust got in front of me. I thanked God and prayed he was heading the same direction I was.

He wasn't. And yes...another Infinity took his place as soon as he turned off.

I'm just hoping there's some level of Hell they toss the people into who invented this "shield your eyes as if it were Medusa" brake light system. And I hope that level of Hell forces them to have their eyes yanked open wide with a "can't blink" contraption like "Alex" was strapped up to in A Clockwork Orange...combined with being subjected to a never-ending slit-lamp ophthalmologic exam...until infinity...

...and beyond.

(31 Jan 11: I hate when I make typos or other such stupidities which I find days later. This time it was a big technical one -- I meant to say "laser pointer" and had typed "laser printer"...which makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever in the context of what I was trying to get across. I have fixed it and now it reads better - but it's too late for most of you...all three people who read this blog. I had my chance and blew it. I'm going to have to read these things out loud to my kids next time...a fact I know they will JUST LOVE as they nearly feign death to get out of reading them as it is now.)

Halloween (Part I)

Yes, I know I said I'd repost a few "old" blogs...but I was inspired to write this just now.


Is it my imagination or are the 'Trick or Treaters' becoming increasingly older and few and far between as each year goes by? Now, I know there are a lot of churches and other places around the area which hold their own events - but, in my opinion, nothing can beat going around, door-to-door, to elicit free candy from people you don't know. And while that's a big part of the fun, it's not THE part I like the most. Wasn't what I liked best back when I was a kid...isn't what I like best now. And with less and less little kids partaking in it...well, Halloween, in general, is kinda losing its original appeal.

What I always liked best was being able to dress up and go off to school wearing my costume. I lived for that. All year long. Second only...maybe...to Christmas. In fact, when I really think about it...I think I liked it more.

My parents never actually BOUGHT me a Halloween costume - we invented things from stuff lying around the house...plus my mother could sew. I remember (in vain) that I "oh so wanted" to be a princess...with all the trappings of a "bona fide" fairy-tale princess: the poofy, scratchy-itchy skirt netting, the sparkly cardboard star on a stick that you'd wave in desperation of something magic-like actually happening...as if magic "magically occurred" once you glued two otherwise innocuous and cheap glittered components together - and...to complete my fantasy ensemble: that hideous 1960s hard plastic princess face mask. You know the one, don't you? The one you can't keep on your face if you tried even tho you knotted off that ridiculously long semi-elastic string in the back with the two metal clasps that would always pop out of their respective hole-holders. The one with the enormous "Little Orphan Annie" eyeholes that, no matter how hard you tried, still ended up lower than your own personal eyes - so the only thing you could do was to look down and hope your parent paid attention to the terrain when they dragged you by the hand down the sidewalk that always seemed to love skinning my knees for some reason (personally I don't think my knees "unscabbed" until I hit my teen years). The one that always had that pasty white complexion with the "yellow" hair...because we all know that only true princesses have alabaster skin and hair the colour of the "fairest" Crayola crayon in the 8-pack...because Disney told us so. And the one your friend let you try on...for a brief shining moment...before she snatched it off your face with a stinging rubber band "thwak" and obligatory "hair pull" to the back of the head.

And "joy of joys", I remember one year winning for "best costume". I went as a Hindu...complete with my makeshift "lipstick-anointed" red bindi - not sure if that is "allowed" or "politically correct" to do nowadays...but it's a moot point anyway as you can't dress up at most schools. Regardless, as a child, I certainly didn't do it with any form of disrespect...I just loved the whole "sari" thing and, so, that is who I went as...as that's the fabric my mother had - and the costume was indeed gorgeous...and worthy of the accolades that only a third-grade teacher can bestow upon a student.

But it seems Halloween gets such a bad rap from the same people who, as kids, loved dressing up...only now they don't allow their kids to dress up and they certainly don't tolerate their schools allowing them to. When I was a child, the furthest thing from my - and my friends' minds - was "the devil worshipping practices and rituals surrounding a pagan holiday"...and don't even get me started on that one - you can just Google for yourselves.

So, it's a letdown to dress up (and yes, I did dress up - I dress up each time...this time I was Medusa as I love Greek myths) and see a handful of kids walking around delighting in being a little "different" than they are the other 364 days a year. Even if you don't trust the "candy givers"...toss out the candy, but let the little ones live a little...and by all means - bring back the costumes at school. Especially now with all the schools regimenting a set uniform...one day a year to buy a wig and let your hair down wouldn't be asking for too much, would it? At least for the elementary grades. Don't deprive them of the joy I once felt...because, for some kids, in the homes they grow up in and the stuff they are subjected to (and I know...I was beaten as a child, with a belt, by my father)...it's seriously the most fun they might have all year...and it's also the stuff good childhood memories are made of.