I've Got Mono

Here's a proposed Craig Ferguson (host of CBS's "Late Late Show") monologue I came up with long ago. Keep in mind this was written the first year he started hosting - so his "voice" has changed some...i.e., he doesn't say the same things like he used to. This was purely for my entertainment...it's not like Craig asked me to write his monologues or anything...it was just for fun. It also helps if you have seen Craig and know his mannerisms and vocal intonations...if not, you can always call me up and I'll read it to you in my best "Craig voice". :)

Please be aware I'm posting these blogs how I originially wrote them years ago. Consequently they aren't going to be timely and they aren't going to be like my regular blogs -- mainly a lot of these are just "comedy snippets" of sorts.

Jane Birkin and the Hermès bag named after her.

I was walking around the "ritzy shopping district" the other day, and I can't believe what these stores in Hollywood sell for kids.

"Oh yes, why my daughter just HAS to have a pair of $5000 Hermès earmuffs...ALL the kids in her class do"...like whatever happened to getting your kid a Barbie!?

When I was a wee lad growing up in Scotland...I got to name a sheep - and it wasn't even MY sheep - it was Mr. Flannagan's across town. THAT was MY lousy Christmas present - not some poofy $5000 earmuffs and a Birkin bag. What the hell's a Birkin bag, anyway - and why does it cost $30,000??!

What's even worse, is that you have to wait TWO years if you want to get one...unless you go to eBay and then it's anyone's guess. Would YOU know a fake Birkin bag if you bought one? I certainly wouldn't. "You know, Marge...your tag looks sooooo three-thousand dollar-ish."

I know what you're saying...here's another late nite talk show host talking about expensive 'to die for' purses. But this is true!

These Birkin bags were named after Jane Birkin...who was an English actress who did a lot of French films in the 60s. I Googled her, I did...and she was NAKED in EVERY SINGLE photo......with Brigitte Bardot, even!

Hey, when you have Brigitte Bardot telling you to "put some clothes on, girlfriend"...you know you have something.

So, I guess the Hermes designers were sitting around one day saying, "Well we have the Kelly bag named after Grace Kelly -- and that one has style, can we maybe...oh, I don't know...make a bag with a lot more slutty appeal? How about this Birkin one? Sure! And let's say you have to wait months to get one...that way it will be like an adult 'Tickle-Me-Elmo' doll..."

...and speaking of tickling...I think THAT'S the movie where Birkin was actually wearing those muffs.

Well, the photo WAS a little fuzzy.

C'mon..it's true!

(Originally written 9 December 2005)