A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

24 April 2010

Monkey Sea...Monkey Due

I don't know about you, but when I was a kid I got two presents a year if I was lucky. And most times I wasn't lucky and I got one combined "Birthday and Christmas Present"...the "luck" of being born ten days before Christmas. Sure, I saw my sisters and brother get TWO presents a year, but I would just sometimes get one. Sometimes it was a really nice present...like the year I got my purple Schwinn bike with the silver glitter banana seat with the purple and silver handlebar streamers...but mostly it was crap.

And speaking of crap...there are things we (people my age) always wanted but never could afford to get.

I remember wanting a Gumby and Pokey set in the worst way. Did I get one? No. Did I get something else I seriously didn't want? Yes.

That was the way things happened in those days...we didn't have Happy Meals, Gameboys, and unlimited parental funding every...single...time we went into some store. Nowadays kids don't look forward so much to Christmas, sad to say; as Christmas pretty much happens throughout the year for most kids in some shape or form.

And when I was a little kid I remember reading comic books. They weren't MY comic books as I never had comic books...I did, however have a "French-English Dr. Seuss Dictionary" book and a Barbie wedding set that's worth nearly millions now if only I kept them IN the box and never played with them.

But, again, as usual, I'm digressing.

In the very back of most comic books you'd see these marvelous things you could order for a few bucks...and a few bucks more for shipping and handling. You remember the things...if you are as old as me..."X-ray Specs"...guaranteed to allow you the superhuman ability to see thru clothing...but, for some reason, stopped at underwear. I don't know about you, but I never wore any lead-lined undies - but as the glasses were cheap, perhaps they only allowed you one layer of fabric before their power waned a bit.

So, when I ran across something I always wanted, in, of all places, TJ Maxx...well, I just had to get it.

Then I promptly rang up my friend and proclaimed, "I got something at TJ Maxx I always wanted as a kid! Three guesses what it is!"

"Uh...a bra."

"No...I have bras. C'mon, think um...something you wanted as a kid but you never bought it...they'd have them advertised in the back of comic books."

"Um...a Weenie Whistle?"

"No...but I watched 'The Santa Clause', too. I never wanted a Weenie Whistle ever. C'mon...you always knew someone who had a friend who had them...and they said they were bogus..."


"NO! You almost got it - SEA...???..."

"I said seahorses already."

"No! Sea Monkeys!"

(My son, by the way, guessed "Weenie Whistle, too - but did manage to get it right after the 2nd clue. Naturally, I had to call him up, risking life and limb talking on my cell phone in my car, as a monumental thing like Sea Monkeys...well, can't wait until you get home.)

Yes, I, a grown woman of - um - a certain age...plunked down $8.99 plus tax to finally get my dream present.

But, remember...in the ad they had a castle and a whole family and you could watch them grow and prosper and colonize a whole microcosm...right there in your own home! (You didn't need a whole pool. Oh...go read my second-to-last blog.) This wasn't just your run of the mill brine shrimp. No sirree..these were specialized "Sea Monkey" spawn, for cripes' sake. The ads...the ads wouldn't show little faces and tails and stuff if it wasn't so. I mean, this was one of those "money back if you're not satisfied" deals that guarantees this is the real McCoy. And, honestly, how would you even mail back a bunch of living, growing sea creatures, anyway?



So...I carefully laid out my instructions and three foil packets...and removed the paper which surrounded my Sea Monkey habitat...and laid that out as well. Sure, it read like a car or stereo manual...with pictographs and hieroglyphics and arrows and such...but since I have only one shot, I want to make sure I don't do anything wrong. There is, after all, freeze-dried life at stake here.

So, there I was, with my Sea Monkey paraphernalia strewn in front of me like Indiana Jones and a temple map...my eyes darting from one instruction bit to the next...making sure I wasn't going to screw up a crucial step and somehow upset the delicate balance of Sea Monkey-ness.

Everything I did would have to be carefully planned and carried out...plus double checked and rechecked...and rechecked again before I even started. Once I got that ball in motion, as in "Indiana Jones"...there's no stopping it and no turning back.

Day 1: Pour water into Sea Monkey container...let sit for 24 hours.

Damn, damn, damn, damn.

But I've waited for 40 years...another day won't make THAT big a difference.

Sure, that's what grown-ups tell you when you get all antsy and can't wait another minute...and, true to form...I felt like I couldn't wait an entire day. A whole day was light years away...and I was that little kid on Christmas Eve again.

("Monkey Sea...Monkey Blog Two" next time.)


  1. Oh you tease!! Can't wait to read the MBII...but, as all good children do, I shall wait here with my fists balled into tiny knots calmly waiting. Yes, and it does remind me of Christmas morning...the waiting!!

    Wonderful Part I Mariann, and pls write Part II before my hands fall off

  2. I was born on Christmas day, I feel your pain.

  3. A cliffhanger blog?!
    Noooooooo! That is sooo unfair! I'm gonna gather your sea monkeys and make little protest signs and we'll be picketing out front. Yeah, that's right. Watch us! *grumble grumble* Don't you know that I can't take all this anticipation?! It makes my eye twitch. No, really it does... see!! Damn youuuuuuu!

  4. Hear hear! I second Twitching Eye Antkitty (what a good Pirate name). How can you say your blog is done whenit has a to be continued posted. TEASE!

  5. I had Sea Monkeys for a couple of years not so long ago. If you can manage to get them to live for more than a month, they can grow relatively large. And sometimes you can tell them apart. I had one, that was the king (he had the largest "crown", and he was the biggest sea monkey)and my nephew named him King George hehe. So...be patient...feed them when they need to be fed...and watch them grow. They'll eventually grow large enough that you won't need a magnifying lens to see them ;)

  6. Christopher - Yes, Christmas day is probably much worse than "10 days before". Have you ever thought of converting to Judaism? :)

    Yes, everyone - it is indeed a cliffhanger blog. I know, I know...you are now at the edge of your seat all white-knuckled and I probably have more readers than that silly "I shot JR" episode (ha! that would be something) - but not to worry...one day when I'm liquoured up enough I'll remember to write the next part. :)

    Shelly - I can see their little trilobite looking bodies already. But...sssssh...don't tell anyone...I think they are EATING each other! (Mind out of the gutter there TwitchingEyeKitty.) I had more Sea Monkeys before - I have less now - but they are BIGGER. Coincidence? I think not!

  7. See! Even Sea Monkeys believe in oral sex!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll teach Mary Sue Poo Poo to write a cliffhanger... I will make this blog go all off topic and and and and oh look a cow. Where's the Beef?!

    Oh yeah back to Sea Monkey Sucking Sex... sort of ironic considering they LOOK just like SPERM to begin with!!

  8. Is it just me, because you know what they say about sex or lack there of and your eyesight... but does the blog entrie's writing get smaller as you go down or do I need to make an appointment with my eye doctor?

    Damn you cliffhanging Sea Monkeys!!

  9. HAHAHAHA! Look at my typo. Go on, look at it. Can you find it? I see it. It's right there.

    Now it's bothering me.

    I blame your Sea Monkeys.

  10. Silly you...I was going to blame the typos on the fact you were probably typing WHILE having sex...or after having a few Mojitos. ;)

  11. Hey now! What me and moannamuppet do in our spare time and while reading your blog is irrelevant I assure you. *sticks tongue out in a saucy kind of way* But now you know what makes her moan. ;) Yep, that's right... Sea Monkey Sex!

    Shakes the Sea Monkey tank and runs away with an evil laugh.

  12. Captain Mad Moannah24 April, 2010 18:06

    Rolling On Floor Laughing My Arse Off, Falling Over, Clutching My Side, Great Now My Face & Stomach Are Hurting From Laughing So Much. :) Sea Monkey Sex Makes Me Moan. Bwahahaha. Oooooh Baby.

    *Done laughing... Now I'm pouting in corner... Why does Ginger get the Saucy Tongue Wiggle when she's being bad? Shouldn't you wait till she posts blog two for that? I'm going to go do something bad now. I'll be eagerly awaiting my "punishment" Mistress Kitty.

  13. *puts on my commando go go outfit* Oh yeah, you know what comes next naughty little moaning cap'n...and it'll drive you mad alright!

    Oh hi. Didn't see the rest of you reading this. Is this blog public?!

    And it has Sea Monkeys running wild having orgies?! Ohhhh them little sperm looking like hussies in water!

    Totally off topic and random: my word verification was fords, but what if I prefer Chevy's?

  14. My word verification this time is unalic.

    That sounds naughty. It's like hey "you need a lick". *blushes* Who thinks up these things?! I want a job where I get paid to come up with made up word verification words.

    Now I totally forgot what I was gonna write. I hope you are all happy now. I bet it was those darn evil Sea Monkeys that are behind all this.


    I remember now!

    Did you all notice that Mary Sue Poo Poo has "weenies" as one of her tags for this bog?!


  15. I never "had" Sea Monkeys 'afore. Though I once had a biker woman in the '70's.

  16. I don't think your monkeys are eating each other BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! It's just survival of the fittest ;)

    BTW, have you ever seen Sea Monkeys mate? It's really fascinating to watch. They latch on to each other for anywhere between hours to days, and they flutter around the tank together and kind dance around. It's fun to watch. You'll see once your babies get old enough to spawn hehe.

  17. Taking Over the World Kitty - I don't know what that word means - but "lunatic" now has a word which rhymes with it. :)

    Shelly - I'm afraid I'm down to one or two Sea Monkeys...the odds of them mating is drastically reduced now. :(

  18. Wait about a week...you'll see little babies swimming all over the place :)

  19. Did you think to ask the two you have where the hell the others have gone? Perhaps you need to spank your monkeys! ;-)

  20. Anonymous - Far be it from me to tell you what to do when YOU are drunk...but even I don't presume I can talk to Sea Monkeys when I've imbibed a few too many. ;)

  21. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
    I take my eyes of this blog for one minute and I come back to anonymous writers spanking their monkeys and Shelly watching Sea Monkey porn!


    How dare I NOT get a phone call or a text message or something?! This is MY kind of conversation! *humps Mary Sue Poo Poo's leg*

    My word verification word is vantior, I thought it said vibrator at first. I blame Mariann's duck duck goose vodka.

  22. *googles 'weenie whistle'*

    Oooh my word verification word is slang and hip, like wow daddy-o!
    It was comaz. Yeah, that's right with a Z. Cuz we iz cool like that.

    Bet your Sea Monkeys could only wish to be this cool. :P

  23. Damn. I once dated a guy with the last name of Zammit. How damn cool is that?? Anything with a "z" in it automatically makes it like a whole lot cooler.

    I remember paying "Duck, Duck, Goose" - but there never was alcohol involved.

  24. Ok now that I officially have googled 'weenie whistle' I can say...

    HAHAHAHAHA! I had one of those!
    I did! I did! I blew my weenie with pride, baby! Ok, that come out right...

  25. DIDN'T come out right.
    Damn typo.

    Zammit, err Dammit!
    It's all them evil sea monkeys fault!

  26. What's the delay m-a-a-a-a-a-an?!
    You could have written the second part of this blog by now! I mean, sheesh, I managed to make a blog out of commenting on your blog... and yet we are still waiting on part two of the Evil Masterbating Sea Monkeys from Hell, who look like sperm floaties in a hot tub, blog!

    word verification is: kerati
    That's Karate with a southern slang.

  27. I was born three whole days before Christmas. Imagine how my formative years went when it came to presents.

    Like you, strangely, or perhaps not so strangely because we're about the same age, I also desperately wanted seamonkeys but never got them until I was an adult--just a few years ago, in fact. I won't tell you what the outcome was because I don't want to spoil your next post.

    Really nice column, Marianne! And well commented, too. Congratulations!

  28. I bet they end up sticking to the side of the tank like long forgotten snot shots. I'm right, aren't I?

  29. Ok, first off, WTF with this comment section making me do this thing TWICE? Two days in a row now that it's done this. Stupid blog site. And now to our regularly scheduled comment:

    For the record, I did not say "Bra's". I said "panties". You were probably too ambiened-out to remember our conversation. Btw, in that same phone call, you also said "titties", a word you always told me you hate. I don't know why, as it is such a cute word. Titties. (i swear i am 12 years old all the time, teehee)

  30. And btw, Aunt Kitty rhymes with titty.

  31. Dammit...I always hate when Craig Ferguson divulges my telephone conversations with him.

  32. A French-English Dr. Seuss Dictionary? Okay, I have to ask. How do you say "Four fluffy feathers on a Fiffer-Feffer-Feff" in French?