A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

11 July 2009

Don't Dog and Drive

To the man or woman who was driving in front of me on Wednesday, June 24th, you are completely lacking in any type of foresight - even if your reflexes are to be admired.

You - you know who you are even if you shall never read this. You are one of the multitudes of people who think they are impervious to anything bad happening to them...in fact, nothing bad has probably befell you - but that doesn't meant you weren't the cause of it happening to those AROUND you.

There you were, on the stretch of road which traverses next to the construction work to widen the lanes going over Interstate 85 in Montgomery, Alabama. You were in your white Pontiac Grand Am, license plate starting with "2" and ending with "H", with your little moppy-haired dog sitting on your lap trying desperately to hang over the edge of your completely open driver's side window.

My son and I were on our way to our destination - directly in back of you. I kept telling my son how no one should be driving with a dog in the driver's seat - talk about distractions and an accident waiting to happen.

So, as we sat; I, myself, tempted to get out of my car to tell you what a complete ignoramus you were...I realized it would undoubtedly fall upon deaf ears. I am sure this obstacle course-type of driving you do - was not an isolated occurrence.

So, we sat in back of you - all the while this scenario repeated in my head: your happy little dog leaps out of the window, runs into traffic and becomes the initiator of a three-car collision (at the very least) - by innocent people trying to avoid your equally innocent, freedom-loving, frolicking doggie...until the inevitable squeal of brakes, shrill doggie yelps, and the cringe-worthy clash of metal against metal happens.

I thought of this, my son thought of this, the policeman I wished were still in back of me - he would have thought of this. In fact, I'd wager the ONLY person NOT thinking this...was you.

And then it happened. With my perfect vantage point directly behind you, I could see everything - your dog decided to "go for it".

This is the part where we give you credit - about the same time your dog was two-thirds out of the car and I was saying, "Oh geez...I hope I don't run over it" - you managed to calmly and reflexively...and in one fluid movement, catch him by the butt end and yank him back in.

Lesson learned, correct?

Nope. You continued driving, making the next left - dog still in your lap and window still completely down.

Personally, I care too much for my animals, my life and the lives of others - to ever put anyone in this situation to begin with...but, had I -- I would have counted my blessings and myself lucky, rolled up my window and bought a dog car harness the very next day.

You know...some people aren't impervious -- just oblivious.

(My thanks to Phil for the title.)


  1. Unfortunately, complete doofuses don't see a "one time" fix as the sign of a bigger problem. This is what makes them doofuses.

  2. dern, My first attempt did not post.

    Very good blog Mariann, and I hope you have informed other readers not to do this type of behavior, but then again, I think your readers are smarter than that.

    I'm glad he was able to catch his doggy before anything bad happened. But, if the worst was to happen you know he would be the one standing by the side of the road with his thumb up his a** wondering if any of the mess was his fault

  3. You've got that right - Chris AND Nanners.

    And the thing is - he would have said he only had his window open for a second, too.

    I mean this dog had been trying to get out of the window for a good five minutes. Traffic was very slow around the construction - so I was in back of him for a while. You'd figure all the dead dogs on the side of the road might be a warning that dogs do sometime make it OUT the window or fall out the back of trucks. You don't know how many people I see who have their dog in the back of the truck driving 55 mph down the road. That is just NOT a dog-lover if you ask me. Then again, some of them let their kids ride back there, too. Go figure.

    I could understand years and years ago before the whole "seatbelts save lives" campaign - but nowadays there is no excuse.