A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

11 March 2008


Just shoot me now - they came out with "Electronic Banking Monopoly".

Yes...I guess the antiquated method of actually having your kids COUNT out money by 1s, 5s, 10s, etc., has gone the way of the dinosaur and home-cooked meals. Okay, okay, I know people DO cook dinner - but I did read a statistic, by the people who do statistics, which said the "average" family gets food elsewhere (rather than making it at home) three days a week. I also know that some people actually use real money once in a while...because I do.

So, I'm sitting here watching Alton Brown's "Good Eats" show on the Food Network (yes, notice the deliberate tie-in above)...and they show this commercial with this irritating little girl who rattles off some incomprehensible dialogue before I can understand her boasting that she does "everything totally fast" - even playing, and winning (the arrogant little twit)...Monopoly. Um...take my word for it sweetie, I've played Monopoly in my youth...'fast' is not an adjective I'd use to describe it. Anyway...thanks to the miracle that is TiVo (yes, I'm being overtly hypocritical in a way here) - I call my son out to witness this heinous "don't fix it if it ain't broken" abomination for himself, who then proceeds to proclaim, "Uh...wasn't that the POINT of Monopoly...counting up your money?"

Apparently the powers that used to be 'Milton Bradley' (MB)...decided to kowtow to the text messaging crowd and make an electronic banker board version of Monopoly complete with a credit/debit card swiper. I have some news for them: If your child is texting away on their cellphone chances are they AREN'T going to play a board game...no matter how many whistles and bells you throw on it. You'd figure they would have hired someone for some outrageous amount of electronic cash to do a study on this before they plunked down some more plastic-transacted money to churn out these games.

I can hear the kids at Christmas now..."Wow...an electronic Monopoly game! Who wants to be the banker?" "Whaddya mean there IS no banker?" Granted, maybe there IS a banker...but what's the point? And just how are you supposed to steal your friend's money when they go off to the bathroom or slip yourself $500 when you ARE the banker...now? What's the point of playing when you are a kid with real fake money if there IS no money?

So much for my unborn grandchildren's dream of finding a game of Monopoly in the attic of the house they just moved into with actual real money in it so I can live off of them until I die. Well, here's to 'MB' making the "pull the plug on Grandma" version of 'Life' to put me out of my misery.


  1. What about all the sibling fights that this will avoid? How can you play something fast, even electronically, that we used to call "Monotony"? What about all the mothers who will lack one more traditional thing about which to pull their hair and and swear to some sort of deity that they're going to Medea-ize their own children if they don't stop screaming about this dumb game?

    Some people have no respect for tradition.

  2. Yes, and you forgot the ever popular..."okay, I give up, you win" thing you do as a kid at the three-hour mark. This teaches you many important lessons, some of which are: 1) Patience...any child who can sit there hoping to win for three hours straight...well, you don't see that much anymore; 2) Giving up at one point or another is good...sometimes things in life are futile, Monopoly is one of them; 3) If you put naughty words/sayings on the back of every single bill...the time will pass faster and the game will be more fun. (Yes, we did - and yes, I still have that set.) :)

  3. Someone should check and see if the Visa card company was the major sponsor in the development of this new version of "Monopoly". The credit/debit card swiper should be the giveaway.

    This is just another in the relentless efforts by Visa and other card companies to kill cash - real, touchable, foldable, bills with numbers and pictures of dead presidents printed on them. "No need to fumble around with those unwieldy pieces of paper", says Visa. "Let us do your counting for you. Who cares if we make a tiny little mistake in our favor every now and then. It's fun to wave around our pretty little platinum account cards in the faces of the Whole Foods check-out clerks who'll never qualify for them. And with the willing efforts of Milton Bradley, along with a large "electronic" cash incentive, we will condition your darling little children to look at bills like the steaming, stinking, germ laden piles of shit to be avoided at all costs that they are."

    Shame on Visa.

    The worst ads, by far, that I have seen on TV recently are the Visa ads with all the mindless drones happily swiping their debit cards for every pack of gum or number 2 pencil they might want, and all choreographed to a big budget Broadway musical. Then along comes the poor schlub, ready with his twenty dollar bill who brings the whole frivolous spending party to a screeching halt. Good for him. The irony is that cash transactions are still the fastest most efficient purchasing transactions there are. There is no card swiping and no button pushing and no repeat card swiping and button pushing, and no receipt signing and no payment notices at the end of the month. Also, real paper bills force you to think much more carefully about handing over your hard won cash than you would be if you were just swiping a handsome little card with its comforting buffer between you and your wealth.

    Shame on Visa.

    Shame on Milton Bradley.


  4. Yes, you are absolutely right - I didn't think about that. I am sure someone had their hand in the electronic till on the other end of this game as well. Altho my daughter did have a Barbie cash register which had real money and a credit card swiper when she was little. It even had a bunch of those bar code thingies..."Oooh, you bought shoes! Good thing you've got plastic to charge it on because math is hard." Okay...it didn't actually SAY that, but you know it was thinking it loudly enough.

    And Milton Bradley isn't really MB anymore - it's some major entity that was bought out by Hasbro which bought out Parker Brothers as well, but they are allowed to "retain their former name"...so all the more to substantiate that whole gigantic VISA is trying to do away with the little guy (cash in this case)...plot they have.

    And those VISA commercials make me sick - awwww, look at the guy who just bought something with MONEY...how DARE he. Oh shuddup - go use the self check-out lanes...which is another thing I maybe will write about one day in a blog...when I go to the store, I'm NOT going to check my own self out, thank you. And did you ever notice they have a worker "hovering" over the lane to start with...like uh...doesn't that defeat the purpose of it being "self check-out" if you are going to stand there and watch me the WHOLE time??

    Okay...that's for another blog.

  5. Parker Brothers used to make the best board games when they were just "Parker Brothers" and not just some superfluous nipple on the fat, bloated chest of a larger toy company.

    Shame on Hasbro.

  6. If Tpanner can say nipple, then I want to say teat. Remind you of anyone???

  7. I've been looking for an excuse to use the word "teat" before it goes out of style. In this case, however, "nipple" and "teat" are kind of redundant. If you're gonna have a nipple, ya gotta have a teat. Then again, in the case of a superfluous third nipple, I'm not so sure.


  8. Famous actual and alleged owners of superfluous third nipples real and imagined:

    Krusty the Clown.

    Statue of Artemis, the Greek goddess of virginity.

    James Bond villain, Scaramanga.

    Chandler from "Friends".

    Actor Mark Wahlberg, aka "Marky Mark".

    British pop star Lily Allen.

    Former English queen, Anne Boleyn.

    All around hot babe, Carrie Underwood.

    The painting of Adam on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

    Star of "High School Musical", Zac Efron.

    James Doohan of Star Trek.

    Daryl Hannah.

    Buster Keaton.

    Telly Savalas.

    Danny Thomas.

    Boris Yeltsin.

    ...and on it goes - three nipples all, and in some cases four nipples and more. Believe it or not, there are actually blogs out there dedicated to finding famous people with three nipples. Good stuff.



  9. Oh, yeah - I remember Chandler's "nubbin". Actually that show was pretty funny until it jumped the shark when everyone started sleeping with everybody else.

    And, of course, I remembered Scaramanga - altho it is said if you are going to have extra nipples they will show up on the "milk line" and not just haphazardly like Roger Moore had his when he was impersonating him.

    Anne Boleyn - might as well have an extra nipple when she was accused of having an extra finger.

    Never heard about the others, tho - now I have something else to look up later on tonite to satisfy my morbid curiosity to know bits of trivia I will try to work into future conversations and blurbies on HumorMeOnline. ;)

  10. I want to suck on ANY of Carrie Underwood's nipples. Yet, 'tis nice to know I have more than two choices. Was this fact revealed in one of those AI character reveals during her season there? Would have become a fan sooner had I known sooner. Ah...suck is life. Ooops...sorry...such.

  11. Hey! How come you guys aren't reading and commenting on MY blog? Huh huh huh? I've.... I've got feelings too, you know. Hell, where's my medication?

  12. Sorry, eye wit, we're just trying to get THIS blog jump started.

    Throw the medication out and get yourself a pack of Necco wafers.