A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

09 September 2007

The Science of Cleaning

Defusing a bomb, neurosurgery, and keeping my house clean. What do these seemingly uncommon things have in common? They are all things I simply cannot do.

Oh, sure, you might say, "Well, not many people can do the first two...but, c'mon, the third, who can't do that??" I'll tell you who: ME! No, seriously, I have tried and tried. Now, granted, I have two kids and lots of cats - but I stay up pretty much all night and no little elves scurry about at 2:00 a.m. and wreck the place. No poltergeist manifestations, either...so I can't place blame on anyone but ourselves.

How does it get into this state - that's what I want to know. I clean all the time - I don't come in and drop things down on a whim...but still it stays cluttered. Even if you took a scientific approach to try to solve this dilemma, say, Newton's Third Law of Motion (and trust me, something's moving this stuff around)...which states "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction". Well, once again there's some strange vortex, black hole, or anti-matter phenomenon taking place in my house because we are definitely an anomaly in the world of science. I just can't explain it...I doubt even Einstein, Newton, Planck, or even Fritz Zwicky could either...altho Zwicky did have the most plausible explanation for it all: dark matter at work...because in my own little "home galaxy", far more matter exists here than previously thought. And those neutrinos they can't ever find? I bet I've got some here...bet I have a whole darn box of them lying around...and a few stray ones right here on the table getting batted off periodically by the cats...the ones I end up stepping on and then jumping up...thinking it's what's left over from some dragged in mole.

Someone, probably high up in the physics realm, needs to crack the code here to let me know how it is possible for an area to get more messy/cluttered when more things are put away than taken out on a given day. So, if one person out there actually exists who knows what phenomenon causes this, or better yet, can actually show me how it can be accomplished so it doesn't come back two and four-fold the very next day...you are more than welcome to come here and attempt to prove my theory wrong and yours right. Just pick a day...only make it later in the afternoon as I'm always "on duty" at night ensuring no wood sprites are retaliating for all those trees we cut down years ago when we first moved here...just in case.

So, drop on by...you'll easily recognize me - I'll be the awake one banging away on the laptop perusing the "help wanted" adverts trying (for what seems) ceaselessly to procure a job...as that's another thing I apparently cannot do.

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