A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

28 July 2007

In Hog Heaven

Here's a story I could really sink my teeth into...and definitely would for the "sowbucks" both these people managed to trot off with. Yes, I'm in a silly mood tonite, and in honour of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest to be releasing their winners this Monday...and also as an homage to their "Vile Puns" section, I'll be doing most of this commentary in puns...puns - good and bad...all right, puns mostly bad. But this isn't at all a work of fiction, but rather a real-life story that is definitately prime for a good ribbing. If ever I find myself in a similar situation I just might bite, too.

"But what is she going on about?" you are undoubtedly asking your collective selves. "Is she just too long in the tooth to write a coherent sentence, let alone a paragraph...dare I say, story?" No, I'm not just going to pepper the whole story throughout with vile pig and dental puns, but rather, make it replete with them. In fact I'm going to hog up every one I can...and then drill them into your head...and with any luck it won't be boaring.

The process one goes about choosing a befitting blog is a difficult chore for some - for others it comes quite easily, but most aren't nearly as verbose as mine...I tend to put pen to paper and hog up a great deal of words by the time all is said and done and at the virtual table. So, I am picky doing my blogs...certainly I have many I can choose from - a whole herd of them...and many ideas which have come before me I've read that I would have given my eyetooth to have thought of first. But I just grit my teeth and muddle through to the next topic which catches my mind's eye.

This blog was inspired by an incident which occurred recently in Olympia, Washington which I only read a few moments ago. I suspect some people reading this slice of life might go hog wild on this one...others will probably just give it nothing more than a grunt and bury it under the other daily things they are doing, never to give it a second thought. The story is about an oral surgeon, Dr. Robert Woo, who, while giving his female associate, Tina Alberts, two new dental implants, thought it would be a silly, harmless prank to pop a couple boar tusks in her mouth while she was under anesthesia, take a couple of photos unbeknownst to her, pop the tusks back out and finish up the job...all the while never giving it as much as an afterthought. It was, what he whole-heartedly believed, just a little office prank done to a colleague who would always bring up the fact her family raises potbellied pigs...and these pig conversations were pretty much joked about in some manner or form in the office for years.

Now, I don't know if the oral surgeon thought this alone was funny or if he was just sick and tired of hearing the ongoing pig stories. Regardless, Dr. Woo didn't show the photos to Ms Alberts...which makes me think it was more of a joke done not for her amusement, but for the others, and as the workers circulated these photos amongst themselves...you got it...they eventually made their way to Ms. Alberts.

One thing led to another as quickly as you can say "I have a lawyer in the family" or "I know someone whose brother's uncle's friend's sister is a lawyer"...because the next thing you know, the assistant is claiming these distressing photos caused her to quit her job because of the ongoing humiliation. Now someone has to pay and her boss is just the guy to do it...and one could naturally assume he's probably living pretty high on the hog owning his own business and all.

Now keep up...this part will go faster than Boston Butts on sale at a church fundraiser. So, Ms. Alberts goes to sue Dr. Woo; Dr. Woo in turn, turns to his office insurance company to root the money out of them and they say "no dice...what you did wasn't standard office procedure and therefore wouldn't be covered". Sounds logical to me. The next step is that they settle out of court and Ms. Alberts walks away $250,000 richer. All's well, that ends well, right? No...Dr. Woo decides he's not exactly satisfied with the ruling the insurance company initially doled out and decides he's going to sue his insurance company right back...to the tune of $750,000...making a whole lot of bacon if it works.

Well, it did indeed work and now he's sitting pretty after clearing nearly half a million (give and take lawyer's fees and Ms. Albert's initial $250k cut)...and Dr. Woo has definitely learned an "extremely costly lesson": Do not mess with people or play practical jokes on unwilling victims. Unless, of course they can't take a joke...then, by all means, do your best...or should that be wurst.

Perhaps there's a "Practical Office Joke Book For Dummies" book deal in the good doctor's future. Obviously, by these lucky turns of events, Dr. Woo's a master of turning on the charm and flashing those pearly whites...by all accounts, a natural ham. I wouldn't doubt it if he even has a few publishing houses interested in him right now, and if he doesn't, I'm sure his finding one would be relatively easy. As easy, you might say, as pulling teeth.

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