A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

02 April 2006

"The Name's Blonde...Jane Blonde"

Gentlemen prefer blondes...blondes have more fun... Take your pick...but you have to know that blondes do stand out. How many female blonde sex symbols can you name? Mae West, Jean Harlow, Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Brigitte Bardot. Now the brunettes: Sophia Loren and Raquel Welch. Sure, there's Gina Lollobrigida (oh think back, people) and Rita Hayworth...but even Rita changed her hair colour more times than you can count (especially if you're blonde)...and her then husband, director/actor Orson Welles, made her dye her hair blonde for "The Lady From Shanghai"...knowing all too well blonde wasn't her shade. Did I mention their marriage was on the skids? Again, I digress...but all humanity knows that, "In the valley of the blonde... the ones with the Midas touch are king"...well, queen, really.

And where would we be without the blonde joke...the consummate airhead...the idyllic counterpart to the less than bright guy...someone to make HIM feel special. The shiny bright object of desire in the bar that all men gravitate toward like a moth to a flame. Have I left out ANY stereotypical blondisms? Maybe one...but maybe I just had a 'blonde moment' and forgot?

I felt some responsibility to explain myself...to vindicate myself...to clarify to those of you who have been reading my blogs and have noticed that I pick on "blondes". I hold absolutely no animosity towards those of the blonde persuasion. I, myself, have been a blonde on more than one occasion. I was even BORN a blonde. I did, however, feel the wrath that nearly all blondes experience. I was even told once...okay...many more times than once...but one stands out in particular...long before those sexual harassment suits came about...that, and I quote...nearly verbatim, altho it's been a few years..."My...I thought you were stupid because you were blonde...you really ARE intelligent, aren't you?" This was at a Civil Engineering staff meeting on an Air Force Base where I used to work. And it was said by someone, let's just say, high up there in authority. Now, I'm not a fool...and not being a fool, especially of the blonde variety, I used this type of mentality to my advantage. When you are blonde and somewhat pretty...people will grant you concessions...people don't expect much from you...it's true...don't believe it...dye your hair. When you do more than what is minimally expected...people nearly worship you. I was placed on a lot of pedestals in my day...and they were all of my doing...chances are if you are placing the fair-haired lady in your office on one...she led you there. Don't even try to deny it...she's much more savvy than you give her credit for...and most times, unfortunately, will ever get credit for. And those are the blondes that I do NOT refer to in my blogs.

The ones that I do pick on...are these types...and usually they aren't even natural blondes. The people who rely on their looks...the ones who think they can slide by each and every time with a wrinkled brow look that, really, only Hugh Grant can pull off...and he's not even blonde! Sorry...we know you aren't blonde either...chances are there's a lot about you that's not real...we could start pointing out a couple if you'd like us to. That laugh you have? The one in the restaurant or bar...the one that grabs everyone's attention like nails grating down a chalkboard? The cackle? Yes, that's about as attractive as that shade of yellow you sport on your head...at least find a colourist who can manage to find a shade that has been IN the Crayola crayon box...one that is known to man? Anyway...you know the type...the superfluous...obnoxious, "no one can be THAT stupid, can they, Jessica 'Chicken of the Sea' Simpson"? Or wait...is that just a clever marketing campaign and you've really got a 160 IQ? Hmmmm....nah.

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